(THE DEFENDING SHITFEST CHAMPION!!!)
Embrace of the Vampire (1995)
This movie is a turd and I can’t even believe that I watched the whole thing. The. Whole. Fucking. Thing. It’s only an hour and a half but it felt like an eternity, I guess that’s what they were going for? I could’ve easily gotten enough material for this Shitfest post from the first twenty minutes alone, but apparently I’ve got too much integrity to cop out like that. Or I’m simply a masochist. Either way, I lose.
This movie’s plot is so fucking stupid that I’m kind of embarrassed to describe it now that you know I watched it all, but anyways…
In the opening scene we see a disgustingly sweet and overdone tryst between two lovers back in the old timey days. Probably the 1700’s or something stupid like that. This guy is obsessed with his perfect virginal love, and so they roll around in the grass like Harlequin Romance cover models for a little while resisting that almighty urge to penetrate the shit out of each other. Because she’s a good girl, got it? After she leaves, he lays there for a while with a sickeningly lovestruck look on his face. And I believe we’re to assume that he’s relieving himself of a very dire blue ball situation.
Then out of nowhere these three chicks with huge cans wearing only weird white sashes that barely cover them up come along and start rubbing their dirty clits all up on him. And he just lies there and lets them, like the true gentleman lover he purports to be. Doesn’t even try to fight them off or anything even though he’s crazy in love with the virgin. Oh but wait, they’re vampires and they start biting his chest and neck all sensually and then magically he’s a vampire too.
Flash forward to present day and this guy thinks he’s found the reincarnation of his long since dead true love in the shape of a young college girl. Played by none other than Alyssa Milano. So, Alyssa Milano plays a virgin. And at this point I laugh out loud because yeah fucking right. Having Alyssa Milano play a virginal schoolgirl is like asking Shaq to play a white dude midget. Nobody’s buying it. But, I’ll play along I guess. She’s a virgin and the creepy vampire dude wants her, so he starts somehow implanting these really sexual dreams into her mind to try and “seduce” her. He only has three days to try and make her want him so he can turn her all vampy and they can bone for all eternity. But it will only work if she stays pure. So if she starts slutting it up at college, as all college girls are wont to do, then he’s screwed.
The dreams are startling and weird for her, they make her privates all tingly. But she’s got a boyfriend. A really cliched one too, who keeps on hounding her to give up the goods. No joke, they seriously say lines like “If you loved me, then we’d make love already” and “Aren’t I the right guy for you?” and “Don’t push this, just be happy with what we have”. It’s shitty, really shitty, after school special dialogue, the kind in the movies they show you in high school health class. It’s exactly the kind of crap that teachers and parents think will convince impressionable teen girls that guys are only out for sex and you have to be on guard at all times to ward off their unsavoury advances or you’ll shit out eight kids by the time you’re 22 and will totally hate your life.
And the vampire by the way doesn’t even have a name. He’s just credited on imdb as “Vampire”. When I describe his scenes and call him Vampire, I’m literally calling him by the character name he was given for this movie, I’m not trying to be all flip and humorous about it.
Vampire’s big plan is to send this virgin sexy dreams that will make her want him, but she still has to keep those legs closed and stay pure for him. WTF? Like, how? What the… I don’t get it. If you make someone all hot and bothered, and they have a boyfriend that is pressuring them like 24/7 for a quick little B+E into their untapped vag, then how do you expect your plan to ever work? Shouldn’t he be sending her dreams of goddamned unicorns and squirrels frolicking on a sandy G-rated beach all the live long day? GAH! I hate this so much.
And she’s surrounded by all kinds of cliched slutty college scenarios. Slutty girls who tease her for being a virgin, friends who try to convince her to play the field and introduce her to dumb muscled up frat boys at parties, people who slip shit in drinks so they can get all after hours rapey, and of course, there’s a slutty bisexual girl who lures Alyssa into her room and takes her top off to snap some “artsy” nude photos of her and then forces a way too intense lesbian makeout on her. You know, regular stuff like that. And Vampire doesn’t like it one fucking bit. So he kills all the people who try to corrupt this poor little virgin’s purity.
I repeat, this poor little virgin is being played none too convincingly by Alyssa Milano.
I mean, really, this thing is just an excuse for the director to get Alyssa’s clothes off as much as he possibly can. She does an absurd amount of nudity in this movie. For a supposed virgin, she sure is fucking quick to disrobe. I thought this was going to be a campy horror movie, but it’s actually a soft-core porno masquerading under the guise of horror. And there’s no turning back for me now, I’ve seen too much. My soul is forever unclean for having watched this asinine attempt at a movie.
It felt like a soap opera, after school special, and porno all mushed into one hideous beast without any real aim or plot. Watching it makes me want to burn my own face with a curling iron.
And the big ending, you ask? Well, Vampire gets her to come to him on the final hours of her dying day and as he goes to bite her throat she feebly cries out her human boyfriend’s name. So Vampire goes “Arrrghhh, no! You were supposed to want me” and then dies. What a fucking whiny little bitch. You are a freaking vampire for fuck sakes. Since when do vampires ask their victims if it’s okay to go ahead and bite them? They’re supposed to be badass motherfuckers who take what they want and do as they please. But apparently this is the most lovey-dovey fucking vampire on the planet and he asks first. And when he doesn’t get the answer he wants, he just dies. What a pussy! That’s great, really scary villain you created there guys, way to go.
This movie should have been called “See Alyssa Milano’s Tits A Shitload of Times”. At least then I could have given you all a rueful “Well, you get what you pay for, I guess”.
But on the plus side, because I’ll be damned if I end this shit on a negative note, there is one scene that really got me laughing. Alyssa tries to prove she’s a bad girl at a party and guzzles up a bunch of wine that she doesn’t realize has been laced with Ecstasy. So she trips major balls at this party and starts hallucinating that everyone around her is engaged in this really weird, spontaneously occurring orgy. Anyways, the best part about her trip is that there are these two really muscly guys in the background grinding up on each other. The budget for this movie was so low, I guess they didn’t have an even number of male-female extras, so two dudes had to get paired up. And you can very briefly see in passing that they are so not into it, so clearly that’s exactly what happened. They got paired up for an orgy scene because they were the last two loser extras left with nary a female in sight and they hated every minute of it. Amazing!
Like I said, this one’s a real turd. Avoid at all costs, unless you feel like yanking it to Alyssa Milano for two minutes. But even then, avoid the other 88 minutes of this movie like it’s the plague.
Not a weekend reader?? Please be sure to check out a couple of sizzling, wicked submissions we posted over the weekend!!