Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2014: WINTER ~ MAMA (2013)

SFWPOSTERB

BY:

zoe-banner

Alrighty, I am back for another Shitfest outing! Yay! However, the content that comprises of Shitfest is not always so exciting. So let us move on to my entry and the reasons behind it.

mama poster

Mama… I had so many people raving about it (that probably did not help the film’s predicament), telling me that I had to get on it; it was theoretically really awesome and scary and blah, blah, blah. Well, let me tell you, the day I watched this was the day that I lost a lot of faith in a lot of people and their opinions that surround me, as harsh as it sounds.

Let’s start off with the wig that slithers across the floor and chases you… I lie. I will come back to this gem momentarily, there needs to be a basis to understand the terror that was incited within me!

For one, this movie contained some of the worst CGI and effects I have ever clapped eyes on. It was blatantly shitty, which would have been okay if nobody was trying to pass it off as too serious and creepy. We had ridiculous little girls scarfing each other’s hair and unable to stand up, one barely talking, both from the wild, but the older one readjusts so rapidly back into society. Erm, alright then! Then we can move onto the story. This story could have had potential and then pissed it all away. My word, I got dragged into this flimsy little joke?! The story was so scattered and mislaid that it was like someone cast a giant net out and reeled it back in and just worked with what stuck. Let us not forget the fact that Jessica Chastain was so miscast here and just looked awful! She really didn’t rock that rock chick look. Yes, I said it. This wasn’t her role!

mama really, really bad cgi

Because two wild, dirty rugrats on their own wouldn’t be bad enough, throw in some antiquated CGI and mix it all about!

I mean this was a highly anticipated movie… for what?! I am still confused about it. The more I think about it, the less sense it makes to be honest. I mean these two kidlets are stuck in the wild and make a miraculous return home to their uncle Lucas and his woman Annabeth. They bring some dark and evil entity with them, but then… the darkness is lost when it… when it…  when it’s a fucking wig that chases you! I mean how that even… I just – I would just bop it with a broom or something and sweep it out. I have never feared for my life when laying eyes on a wig. Anyone else around here? This might have terrified someone suffering from Maliaphobia, but the Average Joe? I think not!

Bad hair days can really incite terror!

Bad hair days can really incite terror!

Alright, so someone has figured the wig is not as petrifying as they would have hoped, so they make it grow into a really tall, really ridiculous looking monster bitch. As I said, this is getting outrageous and out of hand. We have psychologists hunting through the house of the supernatural, kids munching each other’s hair and being floated around by some malicious entity, we have a hospitalised uncle who is there due to tripping over the wig (what, really?!), and an unconvincing rocker looking after two wild rugrats… recipe for disaster I say. But it does not end here! The uncle’s deceased brother Jeffrey, the father of the girls, actually communicates all sorts of arb junk to the hospitalised brother and he suddenly understands and has to save the girls again… this is just getting all too much for me.

When the wig fights back.

When the wig fights back.

The supernatural wig witch abducts the wildlings and takes them away, intent on them being with her forever. Oh, by the by, apparently the wig witch was some nutjob who escaped from a mental asylum with her infant child and then there was a cliff involved and then she and her baby were dead and now she needs a replacement. Alright, back to the cliff. Very awkward family reunion, which had a lot to do with the rocker hanging onto a kid’s arm/robe/whatever was there to grab. It was ludicrous at best! One crackpot kid wants to go with the woman, the rest of the people are trying to hold her back but you know what, let her go! Or whatever you think is right for a toddler I guess. I will never get the time of my life back that was wasted watching this absolute disaster, and I pity all us poor souls that saw it, and truly hope that none reading this will go down the same abysmal path!

I think this movie was a bloody awful affair, from the beginning to the end. It just progressively got worse, and the effects sucked and the events were ridiculous and nothing was working. Last but not least, I think The Frog needs to be reinstated for this. Yep, the film merited him!

no-frog

77 comments

  1. I was admittedly enjoying this film during its first half but as it went on and the shitty CGI was introduced, it lost it way. Also, the ending was as bad as a “Fucking Octopus” 😉

    Boat Drinks!

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  2. strawberrypiemovies

    All I could think of at the end was ‘they’re sitting too close to the edge of the ‘cliff'”. I suppose that’s material for a sequel – Mama 2 – They Fell Off The Cliff.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It was a bit better than most of the recent batch of horror movies that usually come out, although I will admit that Mama herself did look and seem a bit goofy once she showed up. Good review Zoe.

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  4. Haha, everyone has been trying to get me to watch this film and I do not know anything about it. Your review guaranteed that I will never watch this movie. You saved me! Thank you, Zoe. You are a genuine life-saver.

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  5. YES YES YES YES YES. I wanted SO BADLY to like this movie because I had heard good things about it (I know!) but after about 20 minutes (maybe sooner) I realized, no, it wasn’t going to happen. The CGI sucked ass, and Mama wasn’t scary, just weird looking and crazy. Jessica Chastain isn’t one of my favorite actresses at the best of times and she was indeed woefully miscast here. So that didn’t help. I agree with you and The Frog: NO.

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  6. Yeah… I’m not gunna watch this one. It is really surprising that Chastain decided to do this role, her career was really taking off, she didn’t need to go slum it doing shitty horror flicks.

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  7. Tom

    hahah “I would just bop it with a broom or something and sweep it out.” hahah that’s precisely what I plan to do with this film, sweep it the fuck out of the door before it can even tread foot in my home. ‘My home,’ being my sanity/viewing experience. This does sound pretty awful and I wasn’t sold on it from the beginning.

    Sorry you had to suffer through!!!

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    • Sorry this is so late, busy going through all eligible voting entries hahahaha. Yeah, you can sate the curiosity like that, don’t waste an hour and a half on it!

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