BY:
X-Men 3: The Last Stand (2006)
Tim The Film Guy is a big nerd and I love my comics and superheroes. The movies have been both good and bad to this genre over the years but very rarely does a steaming pile of shit fly at you like this film did. X Men 3 isn’t alone in the shit comic movie world, it’s joined closely by Spiderman 3 and Green Lantern, but this one has a special place for me as the worst of all. Bryan Singer might not have achieved anything special with the first two in my eyes but they were still pretty good and I saw potential. Brett Ratner destroyed this series and it took 5 years for Matthew Vaughn to claw it back.
Now for the sake of this Shitfest: Winter I have watched the film again to really get to the bottom of why I detest this film so very much. So expect swearing and lots of profanities, I can already feel my blood boiling!
Shit Analysis starting now.
Why hello 20th Century Fox, bringer of all my Shitfest entries. Must have a squad of untalent scouts scouring the earth for the worst scripts ever created.
Alright and I am in, starting off real strong. Gotten ourselves into the 60’s, no wait its only 20 years ago? What’s with the cars? Whatever. OH MY GOD I forgot about the CGI faces, they have done some creepy things to both Sir Ian Murray McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart’s faces, ha look at Mckellen’s teeth!
Now we have little miss sunshine show off some Telekinesis power. And what do we have here why its king of the cameos Stan Lee with a dribbly hose pipe. Hahahaha the innuendo. Just thought, why did the parents leave this girl in a room with two old men with creepy CGI faces? I mean Magneto is sounding real creep in this scene.
Why did they think having a kid self-mutilate himself was okay, it’s so weird and dark. Then they just cut to science magic, tubes and chemicals wizzing around a factory. I feel like dads not liking their sons being mutants has been done, literally by the last film. Just have the government make it because they fear mutants, doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.
“The Not Too Distant Future” YOU GODDAMN LIARS! You knew this was a massive tease for nerds and you used it as a little joke, a training room exercise? Real weak guys. The weird thing is that the story they teased is now getting released this year and doesn’t to me look as good, the sentinels especially. Also stop using wirework, we can tell and it looks awful.
And now everybody’s favourite X-men character emo Cyclops now with more tears and totally acting like a little bitch. I hate characters who don’t either get over something or learn to live with the pain, they bore me and it’s an excuse for poor character development.
I actually quite like Beast in this played by Kelsey Grammer. Now we have a captured Mystique, this is normally pretty and sexy, wait what was that line? “I don’t answer to my slave name” What?! You weren’t a slave, who wrote this shit.
Who is the bad guy in all this, the company making the cure? Magneto? The Phoenix? Pick one and stick to it! You can’t keep splitting the film into moral dilemmas and choosing between which villain you will be fighting around this corner, oh shit am only 18 minutes in and I know my least favourite scenes are still to come.
Cyclops is down, I repeat Cyclops is down, nothing but glasses remain. Phoenix is in though, bat shit crazy but in never the less. Boy this film is so weirdly paced, we now have Angel getting “cured” Oh no wait jumping out the window and flying away, like a chicken. Wish he screamed FUCK THE CURE as he flew out the window but clearly expecting too much from this film.
Oh no it has arrived! The mobile prison truck holding the worst casting choice of all time. The anticipation is killing me. Every time an X-men film is made leather jacket sales go through the roof, every cast member must have five each. And here he is, the Juggernaut played by the always brilliant Vinnie Jones, “Are you going to let me out of here? I need a pee” could have at least said piss you moron, really fucked this character up.
It can’t possibly be another hour! And am taking a break.
Okay back and refreshed. Jean has gone loopy and broke out of the mansion and for whatever reason has returned to her childhood home. Both Charles and Magneto rush to get the power of the Phoenix on their side, not sure how wise a plan that is, kind of like two armies wanting a Nuke with a faulty trigger switch, I wouldn’t want it anywhere near me. Still there’s a fight, and Juggernaut throws wolverine into the house going directly against Magneto’s order to keep them out. Nothing makes any sense, pure chaos ensues. Oh and then Xavier dies, well gets vaporised. Not many X-Men left, they really didn’t want to make a sequel to this did they.
Does anyone remember the stupid love triangle they shoe horned into this film about Rogue, Ice Man and Kitty? It is so stupid, so unnecessary and pointless. The only consequence is that Rogue decides to get the cure, well we think she gets it, the story is never really concluded. I assume they forgot about the whole story idea when the bridge starts moving across to the island. I really hate Rogue in this series. She was so great in the animated series.
I can’t even be bothered to talk about the next 20 minutes. It’s just nonsense leading up to the big fight near the end. Brotherhood meetings, plastic gun training and a school that apparently cannot function without Xavier, meaning he taught them…absolutely nothing.
Okay so where at the fight with the Brotherhood of superhero rejects vs. 4 out of the 20 X-Men! This will be interesting. Literally from one shot to the next it when from day to night, did the brotherhood just stand on the bridge for 3 hours before attacking? Also I hate stupid armies filled with terrible extras, they just seem to run at the soldiers, most don’t even appear to have weapons or powers. Also who wrote Magneto’s dialogue, “Traitors to their own cause”? Shouldn’t it be “Trailers to their own kind”? Because they are fighting for their cause, just like they have been for three movies now, you should know you’ve been their villain the whole time.
The Juggernaut just started attacking as he heads into the building to murder a child and I kid you not as he runs through a group of soldiers the sound effects they use are on bowling pins being knocked down. This is not fucking Looney Tunes; it’s a $220M blockbuster with teams of sound and visual producers and editors, what the FUCK IS HAPPENING?!
I am now furious! We got terrible dialogue running rampant, absolutely retarded decision making from characters, this film has entered full on shit mode! “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!” I could literally talk about that for 30 minutes. Also should have called this film rise of the Phoenix, or a more apt name would be the dust maker because apparently nobody can have any imagination when it comes to Telekinesis, every time she dusts people I just think of that Skittles advert haha everything he touches turns to skittles. Alright that’s where am leaving this one, gonna grab a bag of skittles.
Tim’s Film Reviews Not Recommended
Story: 20% Acting: 40% Characters: 5% Dialogue: 5%
Superhero/Action: 5% Style/Sound: 5% Visuals: 50%
Total: 18%
For the love of god Bryan Singer please do better than this, it’s all I ask of you.
bahahah this was a cackling good read Tim. I honestly don’t recall much from X-Men 3 but that might be the entire point — it was utterly garbage and forgettable.
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Tim might be sleeping one off so I’ll thank you his behalf and add THIS MOVIE SUCKED.
LOL Tom.
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Let the comments begin 😀
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Thank you very much, glad you had such a good time reading it 😀
Don’t try to remember Tom, just don’t 😀
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Very funny, Tim. And yes. This is shittastic. Good review.
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I have Tim tied up in the garage so: he says “Thanks a lot!!” and isn’t pleading for mercy.
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🙂
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Thanks James, glad you had a laugh, tiss the point 😀
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Haha, now that I think about it the Skittles comparison is so apt. Love it.
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LOL Anna!!
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Haha glad you get that one 😀
Also I think the guys name in that was tim as well 😀
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Good review Tim. Ratner dropped the ball in a big way here, I don’t have the will to rewatch this.
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Tim is currently doing a song and dance number at the local saloon so I thank you for him and add: there’s no point to ever re-watch this shit.
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Thanks and I concur with Isaac in that it doesn’t need revisiting. EVER!
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Lol, awesomely funny stuff Tim! This movie really is a let down.
Hey Eric, when’s that email coming for the super special secret project?!
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Tim is off at the local bar eating some Calf Fries (look that up) so I thank you for him. Also – I sent it earlier today : )
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Ha thanks Joe and I totally agree. Looking forward to this secret project 😀
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I don’t hate this film as much as you do, but lol, it is fun watching you tear it apart.
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That’s what Shitfest is all about – telling the TRUTH.
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Well as long as you found it humorous I have succeeded 😀
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Yeesh. I wasn’t even watching this, but I could feel every bit of your pain. HATED this one. In my opinion, it’s neck and neck with Spider-Man 3 for worst superhero movie ever. Such a disappointment. At least First Class is good! Sorry you had to suffer through this again, Tim…but nice job!! Lol.
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This and SM3 are prefect examples of how to FUCK UP a franchise. I’m already worried – or maybe even starting to not give a shit about the Man of Steel sequel – too many fucking characters ruin the soup.
#proboshitfest #caraisprobilicious
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If Zach Snyder screws up Batman, I will never forgive that motherfucker.
…Don’t tell the Mutant I said “motherfucker.” She might tell my mom.
#oursecret #batprobos #iwillcutzachsnyder #shitsgettingreal
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It’s our little secret…!
#underthetablefistbump #secretnods #illtakeittomygrave
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Have to argue with this one, its not the number of characters its how they are written. Plenty of large cast films that are amazing 😀
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Oh yeah couldn’t quite decide between the two and then I remember “Bitch I’m the Juggernaut” and my decision became incredibly easy 😀
Thanks and I am glad you liked the review 😀
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Fuck Brett Ratner. Seriously.
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No shit, Dan – the guy needs to hang it up.
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Especially after rush hour 3 😀
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I can’t really remember much about this. I either stopped watching it which I never do, or fell asleep early on and never bothered going back. Which means I thought it was shit-tastic as well.
I kinda liked The Green Lantern. If there is ever some form of anti-shitfest where you have to write about a film everyone says is shit, but you think is rad. I’m going to write about the Green Lantern. But not Spiderman 3. No one likes that. Except emos. If emos are even still a thing. I think they all turned into goths or hipsters or something.
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“If there is ever some form of anti-shitfest where you have to write about a film everyone says is shit, but you think is rad.”
You should TOTALLY do that on Beer Movie! You can sign me up and I already have one in mind!
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Haha, maybe.These things can be a bit of organising. Will see if I can muster up the organisational willpower. Plus I’m not sure I can afford the royalties I will have to pay you for use of the Shitfest trademark.
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I know – while I think people enjoy these things – it’s actually a lot of working your ass off. If you want to do that and need some pro bono assistance – you can count on me –
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I also like the idea of the anti-shitfest, I have already thought of a few films 😀
Glad you liked the review and agree with this one 😀
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Alrighty man. If the anti-shitfest ever happens, I will let you know.
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I’ll be waiting 😀
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Totally with you on this one Tim, it’s absolutely terrible. Juggernaut just sums up everything wrong with it. Top read mate!
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Tim is currently changing out the cat litter box, so I’ll thank you on his behalf. I totally agree with you on Juggernaut. What a pitiful treatment for a cool bad guy. Bullshit.
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OH GOD NOT THE JUGGERNAUT!!! It was done so badly 😦
Glad you liked it Terry and thanks 😀
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Haha! Nice review, Tim. Don’t remember hating it QUITE as much as you but don’t remember liking it either. I like “Cyclops now with more tears and totally acting like a little bitch”. Ha! Totally. : )
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Tim is currently scrubbing the poopy streaks out of the toilet that were totally and 1000% not created by me so I’ll thank you for him.
Also – this movie was terrible shit.
#terribleshit
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This movie was your skid marks in Tim’s toilet. #SkidMarks
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It sure was!! But not as bad as The Secret Village.
#foreshadowing #horsecrap #probing
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Thanks and yeah you do 😀
Haha they never got cyclops right in this series, really sad and I hope they can bring him in later films if possible, just stop crying! 😀
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Great review. This really was a big, steaming turd…
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Tim is currently doing time in prison for lewd conduct so I’ll than you or him.
And, from my POV – this movie stunk it like fresh shit.
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The steamiest 😀
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What an excellent choice for Shitfest! It really is awful. I bet you could have written this whole thing just about Juggernaut! Brett Ratner is the worst
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You know, he really is the worst. Not quite Uwe Boll bad but pretty fucking shitty.
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At least Uwe Boll is making films as an elaborate way to scam the German government. Ratner is just shit
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My essay on Juggernaut 2000 words 😀
Thanks Mike, glad you liked my choice 😀
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The entire thing with the Golden Gate Bridge was completely unnecessary. They never heard of a boat?
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Why didn’t he crush the Island complex with the bridge? They clearly established he could have 😀
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A what?? What is this boat?
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why the fuck do I even even own this own this movie? argh!!!
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LOL Vic!!!
Burn it!!!!
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Haha what?! Actually I can’t talk because I got a copy for Christmas once and I am pretty sure its still around in my house 😦
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No more Trilogy’s, please…
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or stop dropping the ball at the end, or don’t think of it as an end, or write better films 😀
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Love your reviews! 🙂
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Your welcome haha xD
Thanks 😀
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Thanks again for the honor Isaac and your wonderful words to describe my absence 😀
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Ah, just a great review here Tim, I love it. There was a lot wrong with this, and I really dislike Rogue (in all of them), and they really over-cheesed this!
I have to say, I was seriously unimpressed with how easy it was to kill off the Phoenix, waaaaaaaaaay too easy!
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“I was seriously unimpressed with how easy it was to kill off the Phoenix” Haha they ruined everything in this film. Really want a reboot but lets see what Singer can do with the amazing Day’s of Future past story arc, because if its not great, it needs to end 😀
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Teehee, there was a lot that fell flat. I am feeling good about Days of Future Past… now just to hope that feeling stays that way!
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Great job Tim!
You’re right about Rogue, her character was not handled properly at all in this franchise. I got so sick of her whiney bulshit about not being able to hand crank her boyfriend to completion.
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
She would be a shitty girlfriend… talk about SHITFEST!!! Blue balls forever…. X_x
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I thought I was only person who hated this Xmen movies.
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I think you are in the MAJORITY here!!
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I feel like so many people are obsessed with it… I always hear people getting worked about them. jerks…
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LOL
Fuckin’ jerks…!
Is it Sunday yet?????
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HURRY week hurry! ok I’m going to read more of your stuff so get ready for more comments. Insert sinister laugh.
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WONDERFUL!!!!!
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Ahhh Tim, you always know how to make people smile. Your reviews are always entertaining to read and thi was one of your best. X-Men 3, what a fail of a film. Can’t believe that there are people that actually like this film. I remember re-watching it for my month of superhero film reviews and it felt like torture. Besides Kelsey Grammer’s Beast and the song “Angel’s Cure”, there are no redeeming factors about this film at all. I don’t understand how the writers and director could go from something as great as X2 and give us this piece of shit. I pray Days of Future Past works or heaven help us. 😛
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LOL – this was pretty awful!
Thank you for reading!
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