Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2014: WINTER ~ X-MEN: THE LAST STAND (2006)

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XMEN3

X-Men 3: The Last Stand (2006)

Tim The Film Guy is a big nerd and I love my comics and superheroes. The movies have been both good and bad to this genre over the years but very rarely does a steaming pile of shit fly at you like this film did. X Men 3 isn’t alone in the shit comic movie world, it’s joined closely by Spiderman 3 and Green Lantern, but this one has a special place for me as the worst of all. Bryan Singer might not have achieved anything special with the first two in my eyes but they were still pretty good and I saw potential. Brett Ratner destroyed this series and it took 5 years for Matthew Vaughn to claw it back.

Now for the sake of this Shitfest: Winter I have watched the film again to really get to the bottom of why I detest this film so very much. So expect swearing and lots of profanities, I can already feel my blood boiling!

Shit Analysis starting now.

Why hello 20th Century Fox, bringer of all my Shitfest entries. Must have a squad of untalent scouts scouring the earth for the worst scripts ever created.

Alright and I am in, starting off real strong. Gotten ourselves into the 60’s, no wait its only 20 years ago? What’s with the cars? Whatever. OH MY GOD I forgot about the CGI faces, they have done some creepy things to both Sir Ian Murray McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart’s faces, ha look at Mckellen’s teeth!

Now we have little miss sunshine show off some Telekinesis power. And what do we have here why its king of the cameos Stan Lee with a dribbly hose pipe. Hahahaha the innuendo. Just thought, why did the parents leave this girl in a room with two old men with creepy CGI faces? I mean Magneto is sounding real creep in this scene.

Why did they think having a kid self-mutilate himself was okay, it’s so weird and dark. Then they just cut to science magic, tubes and chemicals wizzing around a factory. I feel like dads not liking their sons being mutants has been done, literally by the last film. Just have the government make it because they fear mutants, doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.

“The Not Too Distant Future” YOU GODDAMN LIARS! You knew this was a massive tease for nerds and you used it as a little joke, a training room exercise? Real weak guys. The weird thing is that the story they teased is now getting released this year and doesn’t to me look as good, the sentinels especially. Also stop using wirework, we can tell and it looks awful.

And now everybody’s favourite X-men character emo Cyclops now with more tears and totally acting like a little bitch. I hate characters who don’t either get over something or learn to live with the pain, they bore me and it’s an excuse for poor character development.

I actually quite like Beast in this played by Kelsey Grammer. Now we have a captured Mystique, this is normally pretty and sexy, wait what was that line? “I don’t answer to my slave name” What?! You weren’t a slave, who wrote this shit.

Who is the bad guy in all this, the company making the cure? Magneto? The Phoenix? Pick one and stick to it! You can’t keep splitting the film into moral dilemmas and choosing between which villain you will be fighting around this corner, oh shit am only 18 minutes in and I know my least favourite scenes are still to come.

Cyclops is down, I repeat Cyclops is down, nothing but glasses remain. Phoenix is in though, bat shit crazy but in never the less. Boy this film is so weirdly paced, we now have Angel getting “cured” Oh no wait jumping out the window and flying away, like a chicken. Wish he screamed FUCK THE CURE as he flew out the window but clearly expecting too much from this film.

Oh no it has arrived! The mobile prison truck holding the worst casting choice of all time. The anticipation is killing me. Every time an X-men film is made leather jacket sales go through the roof, every cast member must have five each. And here he is, the Juggernaut played by the always brilliant Vinnie Jones, “Are you going to let me out of here? I need a pee” could have at least said piss you moron, really fucked this character up.

It can’t possibly be another hour! And am taking a break.

Okay back and refreshed. Jean has gone loopy and broke out of the mansion and for whatever reason has returned to her childhood home. Both Charles and Magneto rush to get the power of the Phoenix on their side, not sure how wise a plan that is, kind of like two armies wanting a Nuke with a faulty trigger switch, I wouldn’t want it anywhere near me. Still there’s a fight, and Juggernaut throws wolverine into the house going directly against Magneto’s order to keep them out. Nothing makes any sense, pure chaos ensues. Oh and then Xavier dies, well gets vaporised. Not many X-Men left, they really didn’t want to make a sequel to this did they.

Does anyone remember the stupid love triangle they shoe horned into this film about Rogue, Ice Man and Kitty? It is so stupid, so unnecessary and pointless. The only consequence is that Rogue decides to get the cure, well we think she gets it, the story is never really concluded. I assume they forgot about the whole story idea when the bridge starts moving across to the island. I really hate Rogue in this series. She was so great in the animated series.

I can’t even be bothered to talk about the next 20 minutes. It’s just nonsense leading up to the big fight near the end. Brotherhood meetings, plastic gun training and a school that apparently cannot function without Xavier, meaning he taught them…absolutely nothing.

Okay so where at the fight with the Brotherhood of superhero rejects vs. 4 out of the 20 X-Men! This will be interesting. Literally from one shot to the next it when from day to night, did the brotherhood just stand on the bridge for 3 hours before attacking? Also I hate stupid armies filled with terrible extras, they just seem to run at the soldiers, most don’t even appear to have weapons or powers. Also who wrote Magneto’s dialogue, “Traitors to their own cause”? Shouldn’t it be “Trailers to their own kind”? Because they are fighting for their cause, just like they have been for three movies now, you should know you’ve been their villain the whole time.

The Juggernaut just started attacking as he heads into the building to murder a child and I kid you not as he runs through a group of soldiers the sound effects they use are on bowling pins being knocked down. This is not fucking Looney Tunes; it’s a $220M blockbuster with teams of sound and visual producers and editors, what the FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

I am now furious! We got terrible dialogue running rampant, absolutely retarded decision making from characters, this film has entered full on shit mode! “I’m the Juggernaut, Bitch!” I could literally talk about that for 30 minutes. Also should have called this film rise of the Phoenix, or a more apt name would be the dust maker because apparently nobody can have any imagination when it comes to Telekinesis, every time she dusts people I just think of that Skittles advert haha everything he touches turns to skittles. Alright that’s where am leaving this one, gonna grab a bag of skittles.

Tim’s Film Reviews Not Recommended

Story: 20%       Acting: 40%      Characters: 5%      Dialogue: 5%

Superhero/Action: 5%      Style/Sound: 5%      Visuals: 50%

Total: 18%

For the love of god Bryan Singer please do better than this, it’s all I ask of you.

75 comments

  1. Tom

    bahahah this was a cackling good read Tim. I honestly don’t recall much from X-Men 3 but that might be the entire point — it was utterly garbage and forgettable.

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  7. caragale

    Yeesh. I wasn’t even watching this, but I could feel every bit of your pain. HATED this one. In my opinion, it’s neck and neck with Spider-Man 3 for worst superhero movie ever. Such a disappointment. At least First Class is good! Sorry you had to suffer through this again, Tim…but nice job!! Lol.

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    • theipc

      This and SM3 are prefect examples of how to FUCK UP a franchise. I’m already worried – or maybe even starting to not give a shit about the Man of Steel sequel – too many fucking characters ruin the soup.

      #proboshitfest #caraisprobilicious

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  9. Beer Movie

    I can’t really remember much about this. I either stopped watching it which I never do, or fell asleep early on and never bothered going back. Which means I thought it was shit-tastic as well.

    I kinda liked The Green Lantern. If there is ever some form of anti-shitfest where you have to write about a film everyone says is shit, but you think is rad. I’m going to write about the Green Lantern. But not Spiderman 3. No one likes that. Except emos. If emos are even still a thing. I think they all turned into goths or hipsters or something.

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  11. table9mutant

    Haha! Nice review, Tim. Don’t remember hating it QUITE as much as you but don’t remember liking it either. I like “Cyclops now with more tears and totally acting like a little bitch”. Ha! Totally. : )

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  20. Zoë

    Ah, just a great review here Tim, I love it. There was a lot wrong with this, and I really dislike Rogue (in all of them), and they really over-cheesed this!

    I have to say, I was seriously unimpressed with how easy it was to kill off the Phoenix, waaaaaaaaaay too easy!

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    • Tim The Film Guy

      “I was seriously unimpressed with how easy it was to kill off the Phoenix” Haha they ruined everything in this film. Really want a reboot but lets see what Singer can do with the amazing Day’s of Future past story arc, because if its not great, it needs to end 😀

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  21. Smash

    Great job Tim!
    You’re right about Rogue, her character was not handled properly at all in this franchise. I got so sick of her whiney bulshit about not being able to hand crank her boyfriend to completion.

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  23. Hypersonic55

    Ahhh Tim, you always know how to make people smile. Your reviews are always entertaining to read and thi was one of your best. X-Men 3, what a fail of a film. Can’t believe that there are people that actually like this film. I remember re-watching it for my month of superhero film reviews and it felt like torture. Besides Kelsey Grammer’s Beast and the song “Angel’s Cure”, there are no redeeming factors about this film at all. I don’t understand how the writers and director could go from something as great as X2 and give us this piece of shit. I pray Days of Future Past works or heaven help us. 😛

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