GUESS WHO’S BACK.
TELL A FRIEND.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Cara from Silver Screen Serenade here to completely trash The IPC brighten your day via a delightful post that has maybe been approved by the head honcho himself, Mr. Eric Isaacs. And by “maybe” I mean not at all. Mwahahaha! The ignorance! The laughable ignorance! To leave ME with access to his blog…what a FOOL!!! A FOOL, I SAY!!!
…Oh. Hey, Eric. Wh-what am I doing? Um…nothing. Just, you know, posting about movies and stuff. Hey, I heard there are spicy olives in the break room fridge. Yeah, some girl said they were too much for her, so she left them in there and said anyone could have them. Also, it’s somebody’s birthday, so I think there’s cake…
Is he gone? Phew. Okay. Where were we? Oh yeah—MWAHAHAHA!!! So we all know Mr. The IPC is happily married to Mrs. The IPC, and I’m sure she’s lovely, and I’m sure they have a wonderful life with their gassy pets and their terrible horror movies and such. But deep beneath that happy existence, Eric carries a heavy burden—a longing so secret that even Mrs. The IPC doesn’t know about it. And that longing…is for men. That’s right. Eric Isaacs wants to lock lips with some dudes. But not just any ol’ dudes—ten very specific dudes that any woman or man would be hard-pressed to resist.
So without further ado, from deep within The IPC’s psyche I present this top secret list: Ten Messy, Manly Makeouts from The IPC’s Dreams.
10: Chris Hemsworth in any role
Though most of them would never admit it, every heterosexual male is at least a little attracted Chris Hemsworth. How could you NOT be? Just LOOK at that man. But Eric’s feelings were awakened by a very scandalous post from our good friend Table 9 Mutant revealing Hemsworth’s bare, rock-solid booty in Rush. Hemsworth is a tall dude—probably the perfect height for our tall friend Eric to lean in, grab that toned bum, and whisper in his ear, “I’ll call you Thor—you can call me Jane Foster,” before going in for a luscious smooch. Hot stuff.
Eric would like nothing more than to be wrapped up in the cape of the coolest superhero around, Batman. He would take any Batman—yes, even George Clooney and his nipple suit—but his top choice would be Christian Bale’s raspy-voiced Dark Knight. Mmm. Yep. Batman would whisper, “I am the night.” Eric would stroke his cheek and whisper back, “Tonight, I’ll be your night.” Let the hot and heavy makeout ensue.
8: Detective Rust Cohle (True Detective)
I haven’t seen True Detective, but after seeing this post, I can confirm that Eric has found yet another male makeout fantasy via sexy southern cop Rust Cohle. Played by Matthew McConaughey, I assume the character smokes a lot of pot and plays bongo drums and say “Alright, alright, alright,” a lot. Oh, wait—I’m being told that McConaughey is no longer playing the same role he plays in everything. In fact, he’s even…a respectable actor now? When did that happen? Regardless, Eric would snog that man like there’s no tomorrow.
Update: I have now seen several episodes of True Detective, and it is fantastic. You should watch it. And, yes, Matt is fantastic and probably makeout-worthy.
7: Matt Kowalski (Gravity)
I’m sure Eric has always had a thing for George Clooney (who doesn’t?), but this particular character is what really made him wonder what it’s like to kiss the silver fox because Eric LOVED this movie (see his review here). Watching too-cool-for-school astronaut Matt Kowalski float around inspired a whole new makeout fantasy for Eric—one that’s out of this world. It involves both of them being astronauts and sharing oxygen…and exchanging a whole lot of carbon dioxide.
6: Pre-perm Mike Brady (The Brady Bunch)
I’ll be completely honest: I have never seen a full episode of The Brady Bunch. Oh, but Eric has. Plenty of them. Robert Reed played Mike Brady, the family patriarch, and even as a young ‘un, Eric admired him. But as Eric grew, his admiration became something…more. Just look at this Brady fanfiction cleverly disguised as a Rambo review if you need more proof of that. Maybe Mr. Brady isn’t in that installment, but you can bet he’ll make an appearance in the next one—probably teaching a young man named Eric how to kiss girls…teaching by demonstrating on Eric, of course.
5: Jon Snow and/or Tyrion Lannister (Game of Thrones)
As a Game of Thrones fan, Eric has plenty of attractive men to choose from, but right now he’s torn between sexy, brooding bastard Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) and snarky, clever dwarf Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage). Sure, Jon has the perfect hair and the pouty lips, but my GOD Tyrion is witty and hot with that scar. In his Jon fantasy, Eric whispers, “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” makes out for a while, then admits, “Okay—you know something.” But with Tyrion, Eric tenderly traces the scar on the dwarf’s face and reminds him, “A Lannister always pays his debts.” Tyrion responds by sucking face. A Lannister lion indeed.
4: U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens (Justified)
All the girls love a hot cowboy—and so does Eric. Played by Timothy Olyphant, U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens is, from what I understand, brave, clever, sassy, and pretty irresistible. Again, I haven’t really seen much of this show, but I can tell you that that Olyphant looks damn fine in a cowboy hat. Eric wholeheartedly agrees. He’d like to play quickdraw with the marshal—and by “quickdraw” I mean he’d like to stick his tongue in the man’s mouth.
Is there more of a man’s man than Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo? Probably not. And Eric would like Rambo to be his man for a manly makeout. Again, you can see a semi-review of Rambo in the link I mentioned above in the Mike Brady section, complete with a few good pics—though not the ones Eric really wanted to use, which involved a lot of shirtlessness and muscles. Eric doesn’t always understand everything Sylvester Stallone says because the man has a serious case of mush mouth, but it’s okay. Eric would just put a finger on Rambo’s lips and say, “Shh. Don’t speak.” Tender kisses would follow. Very romantic.
2: The Doctor (Doctor Who)
I love Doctor Who, and I love me some Doctors. Apparently, so does Eric. But while I’m more fond of later regenerations (helloooo David Tennant), Eric’s got the hots for the Fourth and Fifth Doctors. Played by Tom Baker and Peter Davidson, these time-and-space-traveling fellas stole Eric’s heart long ago. What wouldn’t he give to wrap himself up in the Fourth Doctor’s obnoxiously long scarf and steal a smooch? And to what lengths would he go to nibble on that celery on the Fifth Doctor’s jacket, only to share it with him in a Lady and the Tramp moment later? Needless to say, if the Doctor said, “Let’s go time travel, baby,” Eric would be in that TARDIS in a heartbeat.
1: Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation)
“Are you going to tell a man that he can’t fart in his own car?” No, these are not the words of Eric Isaacs—although they very well could be. They are, in fact, the words of his soulmate, Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman). With his many words of wisdom on Parks and Recreation, it’s no wonder that he ensnared the affections of our Mr. The IPC. Eric dreams about that perfectly styled hair, those soulful eyes, and the lips beneath that manly mustache. His makeout sessions with this man would be so much more than a physical attraction—though that’s certainly there. This is true love, people. Ron is the one person Eric’s wife might actually have to worry about. Watch out, Mrs. The IPC—Ron Swanson is one hot tamale.