Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2014: WINTER | THE CLOSING CEREMONY ~ GREEN RIVER (2008)

SFWPOSTERB

BY:

theipc1GREEN1

What is this bullshit??? This keeps – well “kept” – showing up as something I would like, recommended on my viewing history on Netflix and, I suppose that could be right since I order a LOT of SHIT from them. But this – this is TERRIBLE! I finally decided to give it a shot because the cover poster is actually kind of decent looking, evoking something that might be good but GOD DAMN this was a piece of shit. I mean, for real, wipe your dirty ass with this and let’s tell this thing to go fuck itself. “Go fuck yourself” – isaacspictureconclusions

Can you imagine if someone had the balls and the sense of humor to use a quote like that? I would… AND WILL!!!! The following are true life testimonials from around the globe that in no way reflect my respect and love for the person who is quoted here.

GO SHITFEST!!!

“ISAACS CAN GO SUCK MY DIRTY BALLS!!!!” – HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO

“THE IPC HAS BAWS LIKE WATERMELONS BUT HE’S GIT A WEE TINY BOABBY!” – MARKED MOVIES

“IT’S HARD TO FIND A BIGGER CHOP THAN THE IPC!!!” – ZOE

“I KIND OF LIKE THE GUY” – SEVEN DOORS OF CINEMA

“I’M FOND OF IT. HUGS!” – CINEMA PARROT DISCO

“I ONCE KEPT THE IPC LOCKED UP AND CHAINED IN MY BASEMENT FOR SEVEN WEEKS.” – THE CINEMA MONSTER

“I MADE A SWEATER OUT OF THE IPCs I DUG OUT OF MY NAVEL…” CINEMA SCHMINEMA

“TWO IPCs, ONE CUP.” – THE ORACLE OF FILM

“DING DING DING ALING, DING DING DING ALING, DING DONG ALL THE WAYYYYYYY” – TRANQUIL DREAMS

“AYYYYYEEEEEEEEE GOES THE PIRATE” – HEAD IN A VICE

“LOOKS LIKE I PICKED THE WRONG WEEK TO STOP DRIPPING SUPER GLUE ON MY INNER THIGHS TO STOP THAT IPC INFECTION” – KLOIPY SPEAKS

“I’VE BEEN FRIENDS WITH THAT FOR 30 YEARS????” – SCROTEY

“THIS GUY DOESN’T KNOW HIS ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?” – WITH A FRIEND LIKE GARY

“FLEXING MALE BUTTOCKS ACTIVATE!”  –  WIDE WEIRD WORLD OF CULT FILMS

“I MISSED FROZEN AT THE THEATERS FOR THIS???”- SILVER SCREEN SERENADE

“I’D LIKE TO LOCK THIS SHIT IN A DUNGEON.”-  GOREGIRL’S DUNGEON

“NOT EVEN ON HALLOWEEN.” – EVA HALLOWEEN

“I’VE THROWN MY POOP AT MUCH LESS.” – BANANAS ABOUT MOVIES

“THE THIRTY SECOND RULE IS IN EFFECT WITH THIS GUY.” – MADAME WEEBLES

“MY HEDGEHOGS POOP  RELIGIOUSLY AT 9:00 PM EASTERN.  AND THEN WE COVER THE IPC IN THEIR DROPPINGS.” – NICOLE NEVERMIND

“I’LL MISS YOU MOST OF ALL, SCARECROW!!!” – SMASHING THROUGH LIFE

“THE IPC?? UM… I’LL BE BACK IN 13 SECONDS.” *SPLURT* “NEVER MIND” – NICK

“I’M GOING TO GO EAT SEVENTEEN PIES IN FOUR MINUTES!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!” – MOJO’S WORK

“DAMN THESE ‘HOT ‘N SPICY’ CHEX MIX ARE HOT… MORE… BEER…” ISAACS PICTURE CONCLUSIONS

GREEN2

I watched this on Netflix streaming so I didn’t think about taking some screen grabs because I figured there would be some out there,  but there isn’t Jack Shit that I can find so we’ll go with some extra text. A couple of good looking, dopey-acting chicks head off into the hills of the American Southeast. I really did actually kind of like them both but the direction and the script FAILED them miserably. They get to this cabin and it starts to rain and it’s night and the car horn starts going off so the car is dead the next morning. Over twenty minutes (or maybe less) the two ladies talk about how the car is dead and how the blond tried to start it – going so far as describing how she put the key in the ignition and such – and then a forest ranger shows up so they try and kill him. HUH???????

“THE WORST OF THE WORST. PUKE PUKE SHITCRAP.” – CINENEMA

“I’D RATHER EAT POOPED OUT CANADIAN MAPLE LEAVES THAN THIS IPC DONKEY SHIT.”  – FILMHIPSTER

“I’D RATHER SPEND TIME IN A SOMALIE PRISON THAN GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.” – BRAD @ HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO

“I GIVE THIS A D-MINUS. IN FACT, I GIVE THE IPC A D-FLAT… AND A D-BAG.” – JJAMES REVIEWS

“IN IRELAND, WE CALL THIS SCREW YOU.” – THE VERBAL SPEW

“I’VE NEVER SEEN A WORSE TIGHT END.” – OU HEAD FOOTBALL COACH BOB STOOPS

“JUST SAY NO.” FORMER FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES, NANCY REAGAN. “THE IPC WILL FUCK YOU UP MORE THAN SMOKING GRASS.”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NDUGU. LOL” – PORTY THE LNP MVP SAID ON MY BIRTHDAY.

“I’M AN NPA!!!’ – SAID NATALIE P-A WHEN I TOOK OVER NPAs AT THE COMPANY I WORK FOR.

‘HEY WAIT, I KIND OF LIKE THE IPC…” LAUREN

“I’VE NEVER INTERACTED WITH THIS INDIVIDUAL IN MY LIFE – LOL” – HASTYWORDS

“WHAT A CHUMP!!!” TIM’S FILM REVIEWS

“I  BLOCKED THIS FUCKER AS SPAM A LONG TIME AGO…” SCREENKICKER

“I’LL TAKE THE CHEAP SEATS, THANKS. YOU KNOW, THE NOSE-BLEEDS FOR THIS GUY.” THREE ROWS BACK

“I THINK THE IPC IS CUTE.” JAVAGIRL

GREEN3

Guess what happens next? They hunt down the forest ranger, hold him at gunpoint and – ahem – while the blond chick hikes to the top of the mountain for better cell service  – ahem, the brunette tortures and kills the guy (or does she?) while listening to records on the record player. It makes no fucking sense at all and the actual end shot is a leaflet paper of the two girls who have gone missing, at the local Quick-E-Mart. WHAT THE FUCK?? TERRIBLE.

“HIS SHIT IS MUCH MORE TOLERABLE ON WEED.” – BAKED MOVIE REVIEWS

“PANTS CREAMINGLY GOOD.” – TERRY MALLOY’S PIGEON COOP

“THE IPC HAS BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK. I KNOW, BECAUSE I WENT WITH HIM.” – JENNIFER LOPEZ

“I’D RANK HIM AS A FIRST CLASS HOBO.” – JOHN LINK MOVIES

“SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITY!!’ – SIR PHOBOS

“NOT EVEN WORTH A CAN OF PABST BLUE RIBBON.” – NOT NOW I’M DRINKING A BEER AND WATCHING A MOVIE

“SCARIER THAN A SPECTRE.” – RENAE RUDE

“SNAP, CRACKLE, SCREW THIS GUY… LOL…” – SNAP CRACKLE WATCH

“HE LIKES BAD-ASS HEBREWS.  *CLINK” – MOVIE ROB

“ACCIDENTALLY CLASSY!! (NO, NOT THE IPC)” – FILM GRIMOIRE

“I’LL SNIFF YOUR BUTT ANY DAY!!! BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!’ MY DOG, TOOTS

“I’M JUST AN OVER PRICED BAG OF YUMMY AIR!!!” – FUNYUNS

“YOU CALLED ME A FAT, FUCKING SQUASH???? I’LL FUCK YOU UP, YOU COCKSUCKER!!!!” VAL KILMER

GREEN4

And with that, SHITFEST 2014: WINTER comes to a close.

“A TOTAL BONER KILLER” – RINCEWIND

“HE SEEMS TO KEEP TURNING UP LIKE A BAD PENNY….” – LAST ROAD REVIEWS

“I’M SURE PEOPLE WALK FOR MILES FOR THIS SHIT.” PARLOR OF HORROR

“I LIKE IT.” REN X KYOKO’S SPACE

“HE’S A LOVELY CHAP.” – ABBI @ WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

“HE LIKED GRAVITY’S SCRIPT????” –  DAN THE MAN’S MOVIE REVIEWS

“BULLSHIT.” –  WORDS FROM THE HERETIC

“I THINK HE’S DECENT ENOUGH.” –  RHINO’S HORROR

“I THINK THE IPC GAVE ME A HICKEY ONCE….” – FILMS AND THINGS

“I THINK THE IPC GAVE ME A HICKEY ONCE…” – FRAME RATES

“8MM MADE ME FEEL UNCLEAN. SO DOES THE IPC.” – DRAKULAS

“I’M STILL WAITNG FOR HIM TO SUBMIT HIS SELF PORTRAIT.” – SYNCOPATED EYEBALL

“HAVE YOU EVER DANCED WITH THE DEVIL?? WELL, THE DEVIL DOES THE FOXTROT AND THE IPC DOES THAT DANCE AT THE BEGINNING OF KUNG FU HUSTLE.” – TOM @ DIGITAL SHORTBREAD

“NUTHIN’ MAKES THE IPC’S BAWS TINGLE MAIR THAN TWEAKIN’ A SMEAKER!!” – YOU TALKIN’ TO ME

“I TRIED TO DO HIS SILHOUETTE ONCE BUT IT WAS JUST A BLOB OF BLACK MOLD. I LOVED IT.” –  MR. RUMSEY

“I TAKE IT BACK. I LIKE THE IPC.” – SILVER SCREEN SERENADE

“YOU KNOW WHAT?? ME TOO!” – CINEMA PARROT DISCO

“HE CAN STILL LICK MY DIRTY NUTS.” – BRIAN @ HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO

“HEY!! I THINK THIS IS CLEARING UP!!” – KLOIPY

“I JUST JIZZED AGAIN.” NICK

“I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE CINEMA PARROT DISCO INTRODUCED ME TO THIS THING… : (” FILM NERD BLOG

“I’D JAM WITH THIS MOTHER FUCKER ANY DAY.” NIC CAGE

“BOAT DRINKS!!” – MUCKERS

“I LOVE YOU TOO THE IPC!! AND NO THIS ISN’T JUST A HORNY FANBOY DREAM YOU’RE HAVING…” MELISSA RAUCH

If I missed anyone – please don’t get mad at me – I started writing this last December and have met a lot of new people since then. If I omitted you by being stupid – sound off on me in the comments and I’ll add your testimonial to the list!!

***

Don’t forget – now it’s time to vote!! Send me your top fie picks IN ORDER to ei@theipc.me and I’ll tally them all up. I’l leave the voting open until Sunday the 9th and announce the winner on Monday the 10th!! WHOOOOOOOOP!!! In case you forgot or might have missed some, you can find the whole lot:

HERE

This has been GREAT, everyone!! I hope you all made new friends or found new blogs to follow. I hope you had a good time!! This was wonderful!! 

When do you want to do this again??

Love and Gratitude,

ei

Oh – here’s this if you want to use it : )

SFWPARTICPANT

80 comments

  7. Java Girl

    Haha!! I don’t remember saying that, I think I’ve said worse things. You made me sound like an angel, which Im not, haha! But thanks for including me! I love reading your posts and all the comments you get. 😛

    Like

    Reply
  10. jjames36

    “Over twenty minutes (or maybe less) the two ladies talk about how the car is dead and how the blond tried to start it – going so far as describing how she put the key in the ignition and such – and then a forest ranger shows up so they try and kill him.”

    What? The? What?

    AND LONG LIVE SHITFEST! (Seriously, the series is awesome.)

    Like

    Reply
  15. lukebbtt

    Haha, In a few years’ time, when you release your autobiography, collate all of these quotes, so people get an accurate description of your life.

    Shitfest Winter has been awesome. Game of Thrones might have been warning me about the long Winter for three seasons, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this brutal!!!

    Like

    Reply
  17. Joseph@thecinemamonster

    Eric!! SHHHH! You were supposed to keep that on the DL! Remember? You asked me to keep you there? You were struggling to watch the ‘A Nightmare On Elm Street” series and told me to lock you up until you finished. The things I had to do, what you ate, where you went potty, I don’t want to think of that every again!

    Like

    Reply
  18. Parlor of Horror

    Nobody vote for me because after my 6th viewing of ‘Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Living Dead’ I have decided that I really like the movie and I’m working to get the “Shitfest” review taken down, but Eric won’t respond to my requests, and I think everyone should drop what they’re doing and go watch Zombie Ass, right NOW! because like a bad stomach virus it should keep spreading.

    I retract all my statements about ‘Zombie Ass’ and hope it gets a People’s Choice Award or something equivelant, so it will live on in the minds and asses of the movie watching public.
    POH

    Like

    Reply
      • Parlor of Horror

        I’m going to watch it again, right now! 😉

        Congrats on another successful Shitfest! You’ve created quite a legacy.
        I began watching this Green River flick because I thought it was going to be about the Green River killer. I didn’t get too far in because, well… (see review above). Anyway, thanks for all of this shit, I had a shitty time 🙂

        Like

      • Parlor of Horror

        I can’t quit… I have watched it again and again. My daddy used to call me ‘shit fer brains’ and this is the one movie that celebrates that. I’ll keep watching until I shit out my last ounce of gray matter 😉

        Like

  22. Beer Movie

    I don’t even know what the fuck Pabst Blue Ribbon is… but it sure sounds like something I would say. Excellent work sir, and congrats on another Shitfest installment.

    Also, I’m thinking I might actually make anti-shitfest happen. Am going overseas for a few weeks mid-year, so thought I could just get organised early and run it whilst I am away.

    Like

    Reply
  23. Monkeyboy

    Great closing ceremony, some of the quotes are… out there! In a funny way! I actually need to do some catching up. I’ve been busy with shit, and missed a few of the entries. Will be reading them all this weekend, and probably posting a Shitfest megapost on my site with lots of lovely links, like last time. 🙂

    Like

    Reply
  25. Smash

    Dude, this post is so amazing, I love the shit out of it. And who woulda thought our buddy Val would be so pissed about that squash remark? Hahaha, he’s such a puss. Can’t wait to find out who wins!!!

    Like

    Reply

  26. Pingback: Marvelous Mondays: Elektra 2005 by the IPC | Life of this city girl

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