WAIT!! That’s not a cornucopia!! That’s one of my old headers I use to use! What the hell??
Well – SHITFEST is over for the time being and I got to do a lot of movie watching since I didn’t have to do a bunch of movie writing because you are all beautiful and wonderful and wicked and cuddly. So, instead of boring everyone with a bunch of words about a bunch of things I’ve seen over the last month, here’s some short synopses (see how I pluralized that??) of some things I’ve seen.
WATCHMEN (2009) FOUR SALLY JUPITERS
What’s not to like about this movie?? I don’t get why so many people hated it. I think they probably weren’t familiar with the source material. I think. I mean, Snyder used the graphic novel as his story boards. It looks exactly like the book. I am also glad he didn’t use a GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS at the end. Maybe it’s a little too long but… oh well. I guess if I did have one gripe – it would be the use of Billy Cruddup as Doctor Manhattan. I mean not exactly the actor himself but his voice just sounded so feeble and meek. I think I expected something stronger, more deep. I don’t know who though. Jesse Eisenberg? HAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! SHIT!!!!!
COP LAND (1997) FOUR JUMPSUITS
Remember when the guys in that poster looked like that? Remember when Janeane Garafolo was cool? Remember that summer in 1985 when we went to Disneyland and rode The Matterhorn so many times we got sick? Remember that month we spent in the bilge room of that boat illegally immigrating from Cuba to America? Remember when we found that bag of Peyote and ate it and tripped our balls off for a week straight? How about when I got bit in half by a crocodile? LOL – those were the days!!
COPLAND is a fun trip down memory lane too. There’s nothing wrong with getting old and all of that shit but it’s kind of fun to see Robert DeNiro and Harvey Keitel not looking like gray, wrinkled human prunes and Sly Stallone before his constant eye plastic surgeries. Good cop, bad cops, hearing challenges – it’s all good. Think: THE DEPARTED’s older uncle.
SUBJECT TWO (2006) THREE REMOVED SPINES
If you like Independent films based on resurrecting dead people like Frankenstein then you’ll probably like this one if you can find it. It has a cast of four people and the co-star will remind you of Jack Nicholson in Cuckoo’s Nest. This is set at the top of a mountain so if you’re scared of things like: snow – you’d better skip. This isn’t too bad at all but suffers from a little slowness. But – there is a hot blond in it for two minutes.
THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE DEAD (1995) FOUR FRENCH HOOKERS
AWWWWWW SHIT I love this movie!! Have you ever seen this?? Have you heard of it?? This is all kinds of awesome and you specially have to give these guys credits for their one of a kind dialogue. Buckwheats! Give it a name!! Everyone knows I’m out of my tits. Fecal Freak! It’s kind of spongy! LOL Boat Drinks!!
ESCAPE PLAN (2013) THREE AMY RYAN SURE IS GOOD LOOKING(s)
This movie was kind of stupid but what else could I be expecting. Convenient timings, bad acting, lots of fighting… he really made a sextant like that??? I mean – the expectations were low and this was cheesy but it was ok. I mean, come on. It’s Big Schwartzy and Sly. They’re old and still milking the 80s action teat, suckle, suckle, suckle. It’s not THAT bad.
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS (2013) FOUR, MAYBE EVEN FIVE “I’M IN SEAT 15!!!!!(s)”
What the fuck’s not to like about this?? This movie is FUCKING FANTASTIC!!! I don’t normally watch Oscar nominated movies because I don’t ever like pretentious asshole movies – but this one was excellent (and not a pretentious asshole). This will be posted after the Oscars so – if GRAVITY doesn’t win (I’m sure it won’t) I hope this does. GO GO GO!!
RESIDENT DEMON (2004) BULLSHIT
I turned this stupid mother fucker off at 11 minutes and 34 fucking seconds. This is worse than that videotape footage of me dancing to Queen’s “I want to Break Free” from back in the early 90s. I couldn’t even find a decent movie poster for it. What a dirty anus of a movie!
I want to break freeeeeee! LOL! Well done Eric.
This is an awesome little thing. I am actually currently on the lookout for Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead so that I can understand you and Mark and the incessant need for boat drinks!
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Hey – GREAT!! I think you’ll love it!! And then you can also: Boat Drinks!
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Damn straight!
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Damn straight, Zuts!!
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Things To Do In Denver is great, as is Copland (from memory, it’s been a while though) but as much as I admired Captain Phillips, I still thought it was a tad over rated. Soz.
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I think I liked Captain Phillips so much because I had NO desire to see it and then the wife kind of made me and I liked it despite the fact that I was a douche about watching it.
That same thing happened with The Green Mile…
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We actually have the dvd of Watchmen…. and the graphic novel. Uhm, I like the printed one more.
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I can get that.
Have you read any of the Before Watchmen stories??
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Check you out watching proper films and that! Some good stuff here. Glad you liked Watchmen, I didn’t understand the hate for it either, I loved it.
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Neither do I…. WTH??
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Haha, “what a dirty anus of a movie”. That’s a great description. I quite liked the Watchmen film as well and I’m a huge fan of the graphic novel. I agree with you about the giant octopus alien thing though, it just would have been too silly, although it does fit with the graphic novel for some reason… I can’t imagine seeing it on film.
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Trust me – if a movie can be worse than a video of me dancing, it’s a DIRTY ANUS.
Promise.
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Ain’t nothing worse than a dirty anus, that’s for sure.
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NOTHING!!!
Amen Sister.
SCREW dirty anuses!!!
Wait… what just happened here?
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Captain Phillips is good. 12 Years is better. 🙂
And Garcia’s Things To Do In Denver . . . I saw it once, back in the ’90s. I don’t really remember it, but I do kind of remember jizzing myself a little over its awesomeness.
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You should totally revisit it – it’s holds up very well. Even if we’ve all forgotten who Fairuza Balk is and how to spell her name.
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Wow – I’ve actually seen three of these. That’s not bad! : ) Sorry I didn’t love Captain Phillips… Watchmen is the best of these. And, yes – I was glad the ending was changed. And I can’t believe I read a graphic novel. Once. : )
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Soooooooo…..
you’ve seen Captain Phillips, Watchmen and Resident Demon??????
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Oh yeah! Make that four with Cop Land. ; )
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EXCELLENT!!
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Btw – Shitfest is over. Why are you still posting images of sexy guys??? ; P
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
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Awww. You’re cute! : ) #Cute
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THANK YOU, you are very sweet!
#youareverysweet
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Thing to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, or TTDIDWYD as it’s known in my social circle, is an awesome movie! Christopher Lloyd is so freaking amazing in this, and it makes me love him even more than I already did. Which is saying a lot because he was already freaking unstoppable Doc Brown to me by the time I saw this one.
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Pieces!!! Smash!! –
Boat Drinks!!!
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Cop Land is definitely underrated, but Resident Demon is one of my favorites.
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Did I eject too prematurely on Demon??
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ABSOLUTELY! It gets AMAZING about 20 minutes in and doesn’t let up.
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FUCK!!! OK – I’ll requeue it up on Netflix… i wonder if it’s on NF Instant??
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You’re in for one hell of a THRILL RIDE!!
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I can’t wait!!!
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Oh wait, I’m thinking of Demon Resident, about a devil-worshipping doctor.
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Well fuck… there goes my day….
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I so agree I miss young cool as hell Deniro. Now he is just cool old guy. Was he in that Vegas movie with the old guys?
Remember when we used to run on the beach naked. Remember when we didn’t have to work for a living. Remember when people didn’t have iPhones. Remember when Myspace was cool.
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Yep… and Stallone before is 87 eye lifts : (
Rocky…
*sighs*
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What happened to him he looks SO weird. Yup at one point in our life he was awesome, little boys looked up to him, now… um not so much.
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LOL – YEP – Rocky was my inspiration my whole life… now Rocky is……………. old……. : (
I still LOVED ROCKY BALBOA!!!!!!!!
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hell yes now he is your anti-inspiration! DO not try to be like Sylvester.
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Oh, Eric, you do make me laugh!
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I try!!
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You suceed! x
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YES!!!!
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Escape Plan did the business for me.
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*chins in your direction*
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I still need to see Captain Phillips. Glad to see you enjoyed it!
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I did – but I think that was because I thought I was going to hate it…
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I dig these little reviews, dude! Fun stuff! And so many GOOD ONES!!! Hoorayyy!!! P.S. I’m one of those people who doesn’t really love Watchmen… #imsorry #donthateme
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THANK YOU CARA GALE!!!
&
HMMMM…..
#istillloveyou
#urcute
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AHHHH DID ROBERT HACK YOUR BLOG???
#rurobert?
#probielove
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LOL!!! ………………..no…………….
#iprotectu
#probies4life
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Nice work sir. I really liked Watchmen. Wouldn’t mind revisiting that one actually. I think a lot of people just have a lot of hate for Snyder, whether or not it was justified. I’m not gonna lie though, I woulda loved me some GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS. In fact, I think every film should just end with a GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS dropping from the sky and mashing everything GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS style.
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I like how you can like these comments. Especially the fact that you can like your own and it pops up on your notifications. I just gave myself a nice little confidence booster.
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I know!! I love it – I can’t wait to start mass liking comments!
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LOL!!!!
A GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS INDEED!!
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I LOVED Copland. Such a great movie! I like Watchmen, but felt it dragged a bit at the end. I read the GN, so I sorta knew what to expect 🙂
Never saw Things to do… or Subject two.
Hated The Escape and Captain Philips was ok. I plan to re-watch it soon to see if I’ll like it better the second time around.
Great synopses Eric 🙂
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Thank you, sir!!
@”Never saw Things to do… or Subject two.” – you should!
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Never heard of Subject Two. Looks interesting. I’ll give it a shot. Never saw Watchmen. Just never got around to it. I know. I know…
The other picks are all cool flicks, man. I love Cop Land.
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Cop Land is great!!
Thanks for hanging around today!!
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No prob bro. Playing catch up. I may come around a bit late but I do stop in, man!
Yeah, Cop Land rules. It’s on Netflix still, I believe. I’ve been binge watching “24” lately. But the movie is in my queue. Or now it’s called “My List” or some lame shit like that.
Always happy to stop in!
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I appreciate it!!
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