WAIT!! That’s not a cornucopia!! That’s one of my old headers I use to use! What the hell??
Well – SHITFEST is over for the time being and I got to do a lot of movie watching since I didn’t have to do a bunch of movie writing because you are all beautiful and wonderful and wicked and cuddly. So, instead of boring everyone with a bunch of words about a bunch of things I’ve seen over the last month, here’s some short synopses (see how I pluralized that??) of some things I’ve seen.
WATCHMEN (2009) FOUR SALLY JUPITERS
What’s not to like about this movie?? I don’t get why so many people hated it. I think they probably weren’t familiar with the source material. I think. I mean, Snyder used the graphic novel as his story boards. It looks exactly like the book. I am also glad he didn’t use a GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS at the end. Maybe it’s a little too long but… oh well. I guess if I did have one gripe – it would be the use of Billy Cruddup as Doctor Manhattan. I mean not exactly the actor himself but his voice just sounded so feeble and meek. I think I expected something stronger, more deep. I don’t know who though. Jesse Eisenberg? HAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! SHIT!!!!!
COP LAND (1997) FOUR JUMPSUITS
Remember when the guys in that poster looked like that? Remember when Janeane Garafolo was cool? Remember that summer in 1985 when we went to Disneyland and rode The Matterhorn so many times we got sick? Remember that month we spent in the bilge room of that boat illegally immigrating from Cuba to America? Remember when we found that bag of Peyote and ate it and tripped our balls off for a week straight? How about when I got bit in half by a crocodile? LOL – those were the days!!
COPLAND is a fun trip down memory lane too. There’s nothing wrong with getting old and all of that shit but it’s kind of fun to see Robert DeNiro and Harvey Keitel not looking like gray, wrinkled human prunes and Sly Stallone before his constant eye plastic surgeries. Good cop, bad cops, hearing challenges – it’s all good. Think: THE DEPARTED’s older uncle.
SUBJECT TWO (2006) THREE REMOVED SPINES
If you like Independent films based on resurrecting dead people like Frankenstein then you’ll probably like this one if you can find it. It has a cast of four people and the co-star will remind you of Jack Nicholson in Cuckoo’s Nest. This is set at the top of a mountain so if you’re scared of things like: snow – you’d better skip. This isn’t too bad at all but suffers from a little slowness. But – there is a hot blond in it for two minutes.
THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE DEAD (1995) FOUR FRENCH HOOKERS
AWWWWWW SHIT I love this movie!! Have you ever seen this?? Have you heard of it?? This is all kinds of awesome and you specially have to give these guys credits for their one of a kind dialogue. Buckwheats! Give it a name!! Everyone knows I’m out of my tits. Fecal Freak! It’s kind of spongy! LOL Boat Drinks!!
ESCAPE PLAN (2013) THREE AMY RYAN SURE IS GOOD LOOKING(s)
This movie was kind of stupid but what else could I be expecting. Convenient timings, bad acting, lots of fighting… he really made a sextant like that??? I mean – the expectations were low and this was cheesy but it was ok. I mean, come on. It’s Big Schwartzy and Sly. They’re old and still milking the 80s action teat, suckle, suckle, suckle. It’s not THAT bad.
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS (2013) FOUR, MAYBE EVEN FIVE “I’M IN SEAT 15!!!!!(s)”
What the fuck’s not to like about this?? This movie is FUCKING FANTASTIC!!! I don’t normally watch Oscar nominated movies because I don’t ever like pretentious asshole movies – but this one was excellent (and not a pretentious asshole). This will be posted after the Oscars so – if GRAVITY doesn’t win (I’m sure it won’t) I hope this does. GO GO GO!!
RESIDENT DEMON (2004) BULLSHIT
I turned this stupid mother fucker off at 11 minutes and 34 fucking seconds. This is worse than that videotape footage of me dancing to Queen’s “I want to Break Free” from back in the early 90s. I couldn’t even find a decent movie poster for it. What a dirty anus of a movie!