Isaacs Picture Conclusions

A SPRING CORNUCOPIA… OF MOVIES!! – FROM THE IPC

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WAIT!! That’s not a cornucopia!! That’s one of my old headers I use to use! What the hell??

Well – SHITFEST is over for the time being and I got to do a lot of movie watching since I didn’t have to do a bunch of movie writing because you are all beautiful and wonderful and wicked and cuddly. So, instead of boring everyone with a bunch of words about a bunch of things I’ve seen over the last month, here’s some short synopses (see how I pluralized that??) of some things I’ve seen.

WATCHMEN (2009) FOUR SALLY JUPITERS

WATCHMEN

What’s not to like about this movie?? I don’t get why so many people hated it. I think they probably weren’t familiar with the source material. I think. I mean, Snyder used the graphic novel as his story boards. It looks exactly like the book.  I am also glad he didn’t use a GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS at the end. Maybe it’s a little too long but… oh well. I guess if I did have one gripe – it would be the use of Billy Cruddup as Doctor Manhattan. I mean not exactly the actor himself but his voice just sounded so feeble and meek. I think I expected something stronger, more deep. I don’t know who though. Jesse Eisenberg? HAHAHAHA!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!! SHIT!!!!!

COP LAND (1997) FOUR JUMPSUITS

COPLAND1

Remember when the guys in that poster looked like that? Remember when Janeane Garafolo was cool? Remember that summer in 1985 when we went to Disneyland and rode The Matterhorn so many times we got sick? Remember that month we spent in the bilge room of that boat illegally immigrating from Cuba to America? Remember when we found that bag of Peyote and ate it and tripped our balls off for a week straight? How about when I got bit in half by a crocodile? LOL – those were the days!!

COPLAND3

COPLAND is a fun trip down memory lane too. There’s nothing wrong with getting old and all of that shit but it’s kind of fun to see Robert DeNiro and Harvey Keitel not looking like gray, wrinkled human prunes and Sly Stallone before his constant eye plastic surgeries. Good cop, bad cops, hearing challenges – it’s all good. Think: THE DEPARTED’s older uncle.

SUBJECT TWO (2006) THREE REMOVED SPINES

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If you like Independent films based on resurrecting dead people like Frankenstein then you’ll probably like this one if you can find it. It has a cast of four people and the co-star will remind you of Jack Nicholson in Cuckoo’s Nest. This is set at the top of a mountain so if you’re scared of things like: snow – you’d better skip. This isn’t too bad at all but suffers from a little slowness. But – there is a hot blond in it for two minutes.

THINGS TO DO IN DENVER WHEN YOU’RE DEAD (1995) FOUR FRENCH HOOKERS

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AWWWWWW SHIT I love this movie!! Have you ever seen this?? Have you heard of it?? This is all kinds of awesome and you specially have to give these guys credits for their one of a kind dialogue. Buckwheats! Give it a name!! Everyone knows I’m out of my tits. Fecal Freak! It’s kind of spongy! LOL Boat Drinks!!

ESCAPE PLAN (2013) THREE AMY RYAN SURE IS GOOD LOOKING(s)

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This movie was kind of stupid but what else could I be expecting. Convenient timings, bad acting, lots of fighting… he really made a sextant like that??? I mean – the expectations were low and this was cheesy but it was ok. I mean, come on. It’s Big Schwartzy and Sly. They’re old and still milking the 80s action teat, suckle, suckle, suckle. It’s not THAT bad.

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS (2013) FOUR, MAYBE EVEN FIVE “I’M IN SEAT 15!!!!!(s)”

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What the fuck’s not to like about this?? This movie is FUCKING FANTASTIC!!! I don’t normally watch Oscar nominated movies because I don’t ever like pretentious asshole movies – but this one was excellent (and not a pretentious asshole). This will be posted after the Oscars so – if GRAVITY doesn’t win (I’m sure it won’t) I hope this does. GO GO GO!!

RESIDENT DEMON (2004) BULLSHIT

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I turned this stupid mother fucker off at 11 minutes and 34 fucking seconds. This is worse than that videotape footage of me dancing to Queen’s “I want to Break Free” from back in the early 90s. I couldn’t even find a decent movie poster for it. What a dirty anus of a movie!

62 comments

  1. Zoë

    I want to break freeeeeee! LOL! Well done Eric.

    This is an awesome little thing. I am actually currently on the lookout for Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead so that I can understand you and Mark and the incessant need for boat drinks!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. thomasjford

    Things To Do In Denver is great, as is Copland (from memory, it’s been a while though) but as much as I admired Captain Phillips, I still thought it was a tad over rated. Soz.

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    • theipc

      I think I liked Captain Phillips so much because I had NO desire to see it and then the wife kind of made me and I liked it despite the fact that I was a douche about watching it.

      That same thing happened with The Green Mile…

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      Reply
  5. Anna (Film Grimoire)

    Haha, “what a dirty anus of a movie”. That’s a great description. I quite liked the Watchmen film as well and I’m a huge fan of the graphic novel. I agree with you about the giant octopus alien thing though, it just would have been too silly, although it does fit with the graphic novel for some reason… I can’t imagine seeing it on film.

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  6. jjames36

    Captain Phillips is good. 12 Years is better. 🙂

    And Garcia’s Things To Do In Denver . . . I saw it once, back in the ’90s. I don’t really remember it, but I do kind of remember jizzing myself a little over its awesomeness.

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    • theipc

      You should totally revisit it – it’s holds up very well. Even if we’ve all forgotten who Fairuza Balk is and how to spell her name.

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  7. table9mutant

    Wow – I’ve actually seen three of these. That’s not bad! : ) Sorry I didn’t love Captain Phillips… Watchmen is the best of these. And, yes – I was glad the ending was changed. And I can’t believe I read a graphic novel. Once. : )

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  9. Smash

    Thing to Do in Denver When You’re Dead, or TTDIDWYD as it’s known in my social circle, is an awesome movie! Christopher Lloyd is so freaking amazing in this, and it makes me love him even more than I already did. Which is saying a lot because he was already freaking unstoppable Doc Brown to me by the time I saw this one.

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. snapcracklewatch

    I so agree I miss young cool as hell Deniro. Now he is just cool old guy. Was he in that Vegas movie with the old guys?
    Remember when we used to run on the beach naked. Remember when we didn’t have to work for a living. Remember when people didn’t have iPhones. Remember when Myspace was cool.

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  16. Beer Movie

    Nice work sir. I really liked Watchmen. Wouldn’t mind revisiting that one actually. I think a lot of people just have a lot of hate for Snyder, whether or not it was justified. I’m not gonna lie though, I woulda loved me some GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS. In fact, I think every film should just end with a GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS dropping from the sky and mashing everything GIANT FUCKING OCTOPUS style.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  17. movierob

    I LOVED Copland. Such a great movie! I like Watchmen, but felt it dragged a bit at the end. I read the GN, so I sorta knew what to expect 🙂

    Never saw Things to do… or Subject two.

    Hated The Escape and Captain Philips was ok. I plan to re-watch it soon to see if I’ll like it better the second time around.

    Great synopses Eric 🙂

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    Reply
  18. Victor De Leon

    Never heard of Subject Two. Looks interesting. I’ll give it a shot. Never saw Watchmen. Just never got around to it. I know. I know…
    The other picks are all cool flicks, man. I love Cop Land.

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    Reply
      • Victor De Leon

        No prob bro. Playing catch up. I may come around a bit late but I do stop in, man!

        Yeah, Cop Land rules. It’s on Netflix still, I believe. I’ve been binge watching “24” lately. But the movie is in my queue. Or now it’s called “My List” or some lame shit like that.

        Always happy to stop in!

        Like

  19. Pingback: Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead (1995) Review | Cinema Parrot Disco

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