Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HAUNTER (2013) PRETTY DAMN GOOD

HAUNTER1

You know, I’ve seen this movie hanging around for a few months and never really felt like I would like it – I mean, a haunted house movie with Little Miss Sunshine in it and all, but I finally found it for free out on Netflix streaming and gave it a watch and I really, really liked it. Quite a bit, actually. It’s very well told, the sets look good, the acting is pretty decent and it’s really well told. There’s no boobs, there’s no blood and I don’t even think there was any cussin’ – so maybe it’s horror lite – but I really liked it. FO SHO!

HAUNTER2

On every IMDB message board there’s always a handful of fuckers who HATE EVERYTHING and, of course, this one has that too. ‘SEEN IT 1000 TIMES BEFORE!!! FUCK YOU!!!‘ and “BEEN THERE DONE THAT!! I WANT MY TIME BACK!!! MY LIFE SUCKS NOW!!!!” Whatever fuckers. Sure we’ve seen it before, in fact, here’s the first haunted house story:

Caveman One and Caveman Two are out walking around looking for something to fucking eat. They pass a cave dwelling Caveman Two has never seen before.

Caveman Two: OOGAH OOGAH!!! I think I’m gonna go in there and see if there’s anything to fucking eat!! AROOGAH!!!!

Caveman One thinks: OH MAN!! That’s where that hot piece of ass lives!!

Hot on his feet, Caveman One says: ARRRRK OOOGH!!!! Don’t go in there!! There’s something in there that will kill you and eat your brains and fuck your butt!!! AROOOGH!!!!

Caveman Two says: OOOGG ORK!!! I sure don’t want anything up my butt. Thanks, Blood, you really saved my bacon!! OOOK ORKKK!!!

And thus, the haunted house story was born and passed down to us and here we are today.

HAUNTER3

So – if you’re going to make a haunted house story this day and age – you need to try and bring something new to the table right? Well – through the first half of the movie or so, they bring in something different and I don’t want to spoil this one so I won’t get into it much, but – I really liked what they did there. Oh – and Little Miss Sunshine did a really good job. So did Steven McHattie – the dude from PONTYPOOL. well – wait – they all did. I especially liked the girl in the top pic up there. I really believed in her and she’s a total cutie.

HAUNTER4

Well – you know what? I just liked everything about this movie except for the way the bad guy meets his end. I think they might have got stuck in a hole somehow and couldn’t quite figure out how to end him properly. Oh well – that doesn’t take away from the entirety of the thing. If you’re not looking for a bunch of violence, a load of boobs, gimmicky jump scares and buckets of blood – you’ll probably really like this. Is it going to scare the shit out of you? Nope. Are you gonna get turned on and make it with whoever is sitting next to you? Well, you might but it won’t be because of this. It might be because whoever is sitting next to you just slipped you some Spanish Fly. And that Spanish Fly came from someone who is standing outside your window right now with a video camera.

***

On a slightly less creepy note, I know all of you follow Zoe already but if you didn’t, I recently manned up and fought the good fight regarding her constant posting of half nude beefcake-y men and did a piece on my top ten pieces of ass TV Crushes for her site. You can get there easily by:

IPCBUTTON

41 comments

  1. Victor De Leon

    Glad you dug this one. More people need to see it. It is IMPERATIVE! Ok, lemme calm down. It has mood and atmosphere and it is a thriller that isn’t cliched and conventional. Nice job, man!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You lucky person! All you people in US get to see this on Netflix. I’m impatiently waiting for it to hopefully be available soon! I love Abigail Breslin…she’s just awesome! I’ve read so many reviews saying this is meh but I still want to see it! 🙂

    Like

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