Isaacs Picture Conclusions

TEXAS CHAINSAW (2013) TWO TOP HATS

TEXAS1

*SPOILERS IN THIS ONE*

First off, I think I should come right out and say that I’ve only ever seen the first one of these so I’m not really familiar with the canon here. Oh wait. Did I see the remake??? HMMM??? I think I started it one night when I was stoned and don’t remember any of it. Did I see the Beginning one?? The one where the chick plops the baby out on the floor and throws it in the dumpster? I think I started watching that one morning on a day off and quit and never finished it. Either way, the first one scared me when I was a kid so I never revisited any of them but a week or so ago I was sitting in Dallas, minding my own business with NOTHING to do and – having read pretty miserable reviews about this – thought “Why the fuck not” and turned it on (it was free). I mean, it’s got the hot chick from TRUE DETECTIVE in it!! Maybe I’ll get to see some more of her – um – sizable acting abilities????

TEXAS2

Sadly, that would not be the case, but I actually thought it was going ok, despite this bullshit:

TEXAS3

And when I say OK, I mean just OK. Blood was being spilt and people were doing The Sex and that scene in the back of the van was actually kind of good. But then…. BUT THEN!!!!! FUCKING LEATHERFACE GOES CHASING HER THROUGH A FUCKING COUNTY FAIR AND NO ONE SEEMS TO GIVE A FUCK THAT SOME FUCKING DUDE WEARING SOMEONE’S FUCKING FACE IS CHASING A FUCKING GIRL THROUGH A FUCKING THEME PARK WITH A FUCKING CHAINSAW!!!!!

TEXAS4

And then – as if that wasn’t fucking enough… SHE GRABS ONTO A FUCKING FERRIS WHEEL CAB AND GOES OVER THE WHOLE GODDAMNED THING HANGING ON TO IT LIKE THIS:

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I mean – FOR REAL???? And no one cares about the maniac at the bottom of the ride???? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

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Just in the nick of time some cop shows up and points his gun at Ole Leatherface so he runs off and no one seems to care. After some exposition and Daddario’s character discovers she’s Leatherface’s cousin, just when you think this couldn’t get any fucking stupider, because to get any worse would be impossible, this happens:

The cops trap Leatherface in a meat grinding factory, chain him up and start stomping the shit out of the mother fucker who’s killed dozens and dozens of people and WORN THEIR SKIN FOR A FACE while he’s being dragged to the big meat grinder, the filmmakers adeptly try to make us feel SORRY FOR HIM up to the point where Cousin Daddario kicks his fucking chainsaw over to him and utters the worst line in movie history: “Do your thing, cuz!”

WHAT

THE

FUCK

So, of course, he gets free and butchers the cops and the mayor and they go down the meat grinder thing and, naturally, she takes Leatherface home and takes care of the maniac serial killer who wears people’s skin as a face and clothes himself in dresses because, like we all know, “Family is Family”. Are you fucking kidding me?? WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT.

Tomorrow is our big SHITFEST Social!!! WOO HOO!!!! Hopefully some people turn out and it’s not just me!!!

50 comments

  1. thomasjford

    Hahahahahaha, I laughed at your review and the films premise in equal measure there! It sounds utterly awful, but kind of in a tongue in cheek, knowing kind of way? Which kind of makes it OK, doesn’t it?

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  2. table9mutant

    WTF? Lol. What a load of shit.

    I actually am not sure what I’ve seen of these either. The original, of course. And that Jessica Biel remake (not actually the WORST thing ever made). Um.. Maybe part of that bad Zellweger/McConaughey one. Think that’s it. Not really my type of thing!

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  6. Zoë

    Naturally you would have to have read the miserable reviews first!

    What the hell did I just read? Okay should not even have been said here. How do you… why would you… family is family… why… he’s Leatherface dammit!

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  9. Joseph@thecinemamonster

    So wordpress awesomely unfollowed you again! Not to worry, quickly rectified :). This movie sucks major dog balls, despite having the stunning Daddario and her…um…assets…

    Only good part is when she crawls into the grave with leatherface hunting her down!

    LOL, “do your thing, cuzzzzz!!!” What the actual fuck is that?

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    • theipc

      This movie fucking sucked!! The only part I actually liked was when the two chicks were stuck in the back of the van…

      I KNOW!!! WTF????

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  11. Parlor of Horror

    LEATHERFACE GOES CHASING HER THROUGH A FUCKING COUNTY FAIR AND NO ONE SEEMS TO GIVE A FUCK… Ya gotta’ remember, this is Texas, I’m surprised someone just didn’t hand the bastard a shotgun to git ‘r’done, proper!

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  13. caragale

    I’ve never had much of an interest in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and after reading this I’m not keen to change that…Lol. You sat through all of this and “not even any boobs???” That, my friend, is a travesty.

    SO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW!!!! #excitement #probos #shitfestsocial

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  14. Beer Movie

    Oh I thought Shitfest Social was last week. Unfortunately I can’t make tomorrow either though (tis the missus’ birthday). Good luck though dude. Very keen to see the results and hopefully if there is a second one I can be involved.

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  18. Monkeyboy

    This is a really shit movie. It’s only worth watching for the amazingly hot Daddario (episode 2 of True Detective was awesome!!). Also, if you work out the timeline properly, Daddario should be something like 40 years old. Hottest 40 year old ever!

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