*SPOILERS IN THIS ONE*
First off, I think I should come right out and say that I’ve only ever seen the first one of these so I’m not really familiar with the canon here. Oh wait. Did I see the remake??? HMMM??? I think I started it one night when I was stoned and don’t remember any of it. Did I see the Beginning one?? The one where the chick plops the baby out on the floor and throws it in the dumpster? I think I started watching that one morning on a day off and quit and never finished it. Either way, the first one scared me when I was a kid so I never revisited any of them but a week or so ago I was sitting in Dallas, minding my own business with NOTHING to do and – having read pretty miserable reviews about this – thought “Why the fuck not” and turned it on (it was free). I mean, it’s got the hot chick from TRUE DETECTIVE in it!! Maybe I’ll get to see some more of her – um – sizable acting abilities????
Sadly, that would not be the case, but I actually thought it was going ok, despite this bullshit:
And when I say OK, I mean just OK. Blood was being spilt and people were doing The Sex and that scene in the back of the van was actually kind of good. But then…. BUT THEN!!!!! FUCKING LEATHERFACE GOES CHASING HER THROUGH A FUCKING COUNTY FAIR AND NO ONE SEEMS TO GIVE A FUCK THAT SOME FUCKING DUDE WEARING SOMEONE’S FUCKING FACE IS CHASING A FUCKING GIRL THROUGH A FUCKING THEME PARK WITH A FUCKING CHAINSAW!!!!!
And then – as if that wasn’t fucking enough… SHE GRABS ONTO A FUCKING FERRIS WHEEL CAB AND GOES OVER THE WHOLE GODDAMNED THING HANGING ON TO IT LIKE THIS:
I mean – FOR REAL???? And no one cares about the maniac at the bottom of the ride???? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!
Just in the nick of time some cop shows up and points his gun at Ole Leatherface so he runs off and no one seems to care. After some exposition and Daddario’s character discovers she’s Leatherface’s cousin, just when you think this couldn’t get any fucking stupider, because to get any worse would be impossible, this happens:
The cops trap Leatherface in a meat grinding factory, chain him up and start stomping the shit out of the mother fucker who’s killed dozens and dozens of people and WORN THEIR SKIN FOR A FACE while he’s being dragged to the big meat grinder, the filmmakers adeptly try to make us feel SORRY FOR HIM up to the point where Cousin Daddario kicks his fucking chainsaw over to him and utters the worst line in movie history: “Do your thing, cuz!”
So, of course, he gets free and butchers the cops and the mayor and they go down the meat grinder thing and, naturally, she takes Leatherface home and takes care of the maniac serial killer who wears people’s skin as a face and clothes himself in dresses because, like we all know, “Family is Family”. Are you fucking kidding me?? WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT.
Tomorrow is our big SHITFEST Social!!! WOO HOO!!!! Hopefully some people turn out and it’s not just me!!!