Good morning! I can’t say that I’ve been patiently waiting for this to come out or anything but it’s been available on on Apple TV (seemingly) since they started putting movies out there, but it’s always just been available for purchase only and I’ve never felt like doling out 20 Simolians for something I have no idea about. That’s from Norway. But, one day I was lying around on the couch, flipping through Apple TV, bitching about how I’ve seen everything and clicked the clicky for this once again and there it was – available for rent – so I fucking rented it and watched it and ate a roast beef sandwich with curly fries and gave the dogs some of the leftovers and then had some Sweet Tarts and a Diet Dr. Pepper and I probably did some Tweeting and replied to some comments on my site here and might have played some Candy Blast Mania on my iPad and bitched when I ran out of lives so I played some Candy Crush even though that’s not very much fun any more and then this was over and I actually really liked MOST of it. So – as we get on with our lives, let’s get this out of the way:
So – these two Norsemen are crime scene cleaner uppers – well one if them really isn’t, he’s just helping out for the day – and he throws up a lot – but these two dudes are cleaning up a bunch of blood and guts one day when they get a call to go find some dude’s body that’s been ripped apart by animals up in the Norse woods somewhere. They find a few of his bones here and there and then head into this dingy little shack out back to poke around. In the shack, see, they find a door. And this door leads to a real shithole of a bedroom filled with dirty clothes and a zillion cans of expired food. Behind this room is another door and this leads to a filthy, complicated laboratory complete with, get this, a TAPE RECORDER. A Tape Recorder!! I bet half the people who read this don’t even know what that is. Here’s some education from your Good and Clean Friend at THE IPC: An audio tape recorder, tape deck or tape machine is an audio storage device that records and plays back sounds, including articulated voices, usually using magnetic tape, either wound on a reel or in a cassette, for storage. In its present day form, it records a fluctuating signal by moving the tape across a tape head that polarizes the magnetic domains in the tape in proportion to the audio signal. Tape-recording devices include reel-to-reel tape deck and the cassette deck.
One of the dudes starts playing a tape and, while you might think it’s some 80s rap or maybe even some Alan Parson Project, it’s not. It’s some old dude talking to some chick about her hygiene and such and one of the tapes ends with her screaming. YIKES!!! Next to the desk where the Tape Recorder is, is a bath tub filled with some sort of milky liquid – and no, Mike, it’s not jizz. It’s some sort of pheromone cleansing solution juice and, yep, just like you would expect – because this has happened to all of us – a hot naked chick pops up out of the tub!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAATT!!! AGAIN????!!?? SHIT!!!! Anyway – I really liked this movie – quite a bit, but here’s where we get to the thing I didn’t really care for: the CGI creatures….
I guess I just don’t get why some filmmakers decide to go this route, like in MAMA. I mean… why?? Is it cheaper?? Is it cheaper to do this than to buy practical effects?? I mean – I thought MAMA was going pretty good…. until they introduced MAMA, a pitiful looking CGI ghost thing. I actually thought this one was going REALLY good until they introduced that up above. Couldn’t they just pay some skinny teenage girl to put on a wig and some fake skin and some fake claws to come hopping out of the woods?? WHY?? WHY ZOE WHY???
Oh well, I suppose… I won’t spoil how this one ends but it’s pretty good if you can get over the CGI people. I will say this – while Thale may look nice and sweet and have a killer butt, she’s a savage badass!!!
On a side note – the John
Holmes Hughes Marathon continues over at Cinema Parrot Disco. Today I may or may not have added an entry about the homosexual porn that’s called PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES. Get there, if you dare, by clicking anywhere in this paragraph!!