What? Thought that just because Shitfest was over little ol’ Cara would slink back to Silver Screen Serenade and mind her own business? AW HELL NAH, BRO. Eric thought he could bribe me with a nice, shiny trophy. “Take this and never judo chop my security again!” he implored. So I didn’t.
I CLOTHESLINED THEIR ASSES INSTEAD.
But I did it because I wanted to let all you lovely people know how grateful and humbled I am that you chose my entry as your favorite. Seriously. Receiving that announcement from Eric could very well go down in history as my favorite blogging moment ever—hell, one of my favorite life moments ever. I was that excited. So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. Mmmmwah! (Just so we’re clear, that was a kiss and not a judo chop.)
Anyway, I must give credit where credit is due: this post would not exist if it weren’t for Smash, who started what I think will become a brilliant tradition for all future Shitfest champions. After her riotous Rumpelstiltskin entry scooped up the trophy for Shitfest 2013: Fall, the lovely Miss Smash shared an epic post detailing her life as a champion (and you can read that here). Naturally, I had to follow suit. So here’s my story:
After jumping out of bed on a sunny Wednesday at the crack of noon (I work weird hours), I gleefully remembered that it was the very same day a special package was to arrive—a package from none other than Mr. The IPC “Sir-Probes-a-lot” himself. So I rushed down the stairs, flung open the door, and whaddaya know? This was awaiting me:
Upon opening this delightful package and wading through a sea of packing peanuts, I found a box with an envelope attached—an envelope with my name on it!
Inside this envelope was not only a very sweet handwritten note from Eric, but even some IPC swag!
And inside the box there was THIS:
Never had my eyes beheld such beauty! Such perfection! Such roundness! I was in awe. And I realized: like all great pieces of art, this glorious object must be named. A name sprung from my lips. “Miguel!”
Initially, this name was supposed to represent a character from the film that inspired my Shitfest entry, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones. I later discovered that there are, in fact, no Miguels in the film. But whatever. It works for him.
Miguel and I became fast friends, and later that day, I took him to work with me!
Naturally, little Miguel was eager to get to work, so I let him borrow my name tag and help out here and there.
However, I then discovered that Miguel had been violently clubbing some of the creepy patrons who came on to him. Needless to say, I was displeased. So was security. They had to…ahem…intervene.
I decided to let Miguel take a break while he recovered from the side effects of a vigorous tasing. I told him to go pick out a book and read for awhile. Unfortunately, I left and came back to find this:
I tossed that book aside and told him to go find something more appropriate for his age in the children’s section. He was gone for some time, and I thought he was off having good, clean fun. However, I was later told that he spent this entire period running through the lobby, screaming obscenities, and talking enthusiastically to anyone who would listen about his “red room of pain.” He’s a very influential young trophy. His spastic ways and vivid imagination severely concerned another one of the officers on duty, who had no choice but to arrest him for drunk and disorderly behavior.
After posting his bail money and returning home, I decided that Miguel’s excessive energy needed to be spent elsewhere—like on the streets fighting crime. I must say, we make a pretty remarkable team.
However, I also want Miguel to embrace his creative side, so we’ve taken up arts and crafts. Our first project was recommended to us by Detective Rustin Cohle of HBO’s True Detective. We’re not very good at it yet, but we’re trying.
At least Miguel had fun!
But our activities haven’t stopped us from blogging! Miguel has quickly become my co-author. He has a surprisingly sharp editor’s eye!
I’ll tell you what, at the end of a busy day, there’s nothing more wonderful than slipping into bed, snuggling up to your freshly won trophy, and dreaming about the lifetime of adventures that await you.
So that’s what life is like here! I hope this post has assured you that I’m not wasting my champion status. I promise, little Miguel is living life to the fullest. What’s that, Miguel? Oh, okay. He’s telling me to add, “YOLO!” Truly, he is the Plato of his generation.
Thanks again, guys!! We❤ you!! LONG LIVE SHITFEST!!!!!!