Well, well, well…. Nymphomaniac, eh…..? Lars Von Trier…. Shia LaPoof’s boner… explicit sex ALL OVER THE PLACE (*NOTE: I have read, since originally typing this draft up, that they used “Porn Actors” for the explicit sex scenes and CGI-d the “Theater Actor’s” face on the body, so I might not have had to actually witness LaPOOF’s Stiffy) …. very thorough blow jobs…. girl on girl… giant African peniles…. extreme violence… It’s all there…. for four fucking hours… literally. Four hours of High Art fucking…. and sucking… and beatings… and a SHITLOAD of talking…. our main man Mark LOVED THEM. I was hesitant… curious but hesitant. I mean, I HATED Trier’s ANTICHRIST and I thought MELANCHOLIA was OK but what would this big controversial thing have in store for me? Looking at Mark and Joseph’s very positive reviews, I recently took a day off to recover from some allergy sickness, stayed in bed all morning and had a go at Volume 1.
*THERE WILL BE MAJOR SPOILERS IN THIS*
So our movie starts off with Stellan Skarsgard coming across a bloody and beaten Charlotte Gainsbourg in an alley behind his shitty one bedroom apartment. Instead of calling an ambulance or even the cops, he takes her up to his room, feeds her tea and they get to talking about her life of fucking people and fucking herself.
You know what?? Fuck it. I’ll say this – these movies are both well done and well made and Trier tells the story he wanted to tell and got away with a bunch of shit and, like all three of his movies I have seen, you’ll probably either really love it or hate it and I understand if you love it but there’s something I just have to get off of my chest that’s been bothering me for three days now. I am getting ready to totally give away the ending in about three seconds. TOTALLY! You’ve been warned!!
SO – after everything we’ve just fucking been through… after listening to these two people talk for FOUR fucking hours, after watching her fuck everyone in town so often that her puss bleeds, after watching her get the fuck beat out of her and peed on, 60 Year Old Virgin (yep) Skarsgard finally puts her to bed and decides to sneak out for a piece of ass for the first time in his fucking life and she says “No, don’t” and he says “But you’ve fucked thousands of guys” SO SHE FUCKING SHOOTS HIM AND KILLS HIM AND RUNS OFF INTO THE NIGHT??????? HUH?????? She just killed the only person who was EVER nice to her because he wanted some sex???? She fucked ten guys a night for her whole life and she shoots this poor fucker who just listened to her life story because he wanted a dip in that pool??? Couldn’t she have jacked him off or something???? What a MISERABLE way to end that story.
And why does this poster exist??
Udo Kier was in this for, like, three minutes… His scene? He’s a waiter waiting on young Joe (The Nympho) and LaPoof in a fancy restaurant. He gives them tea and cakes while she shoves spoons up her puss. Quality!! You know… come to think of it the whole concept of this movie is preposterous… Why would someone all beat to shit open up to some stranger like that? “Hi, I just got beat up by my ex-lover and peed on by my other ex-lover. Want to hear my life story?” PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.
Yet, still, these aren’t the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I liked Christian Slater in it. It was good to see him in something NOT godawful. I thought Uma Thurman was FANTASTIC and I LOVED how mature (and beautiful) she looks now. What else? I can’t even say I liked the sex since most of it was so non-erotic I couldn’t believe it. I guess those BJ scenes were sexy. I liked the fact that one character had a deformed ear. Honestly, I’ve thought about this for four straight days and that’s all I think I liked. Four straight days of trying to figure out WHY THE FUCK they ended it like that.
I guess it’s not like I totally hated either one of them either…. I just didn’t… well…. CARE. I care more about this sandwich I am having for lunch more than I cared about Joe or Skarsgard or any of the characters, really. I really only felt anything for Thurman’s character and I liked what was going on with Slater until he shit himself. Really?? GROSS, Trier. Oh well. I guess now I can say I’ve seen them if anyone asks but no one will. I wish I hadn’t spent twenty bucks to see these. I hope everyone has a GREAT week!!!