Isaacs Picture Conclusions

NYMPHOMANIAC VOLUMES 1 AND 2 (2014)

NYMPH1A

Well, well, well…. Nymphomaniac, eh…..? Lars Von Trier…. Shia LaPoof’s boner… explicit sex ALL OVER THE PLACE (*NOTE: I have read, since originally typing this draft up, that they used “Porn Actors” for the explicit sex scenes and CGI-d the “Theater Actor’s” face on the body, so I might not have had to actually witness LaPOOF’s Stiffy) …. very thorough blow jobs…. girl on girl… giant African peniles…. extreme violence… It’s all there…. for four fucking hours… literally. Four hours of High Art fucking…. and sucking… and beatings… and a SHITLOAD of talking…. our main man Mark LOVED THEM. I was hesitant… curious but hesitant. I mean, I HATED Trier’s ANTICHRIST and I thought MELANCHOLIA was OK but what would this big controversial thing have in store for me? Looking at Mark and Joseph’s very positive reviews, I recently took a day off to recover from some allergy sickness, stayed in bed all morning and had a go at Volume 1.

NYMPH1B

*THERE WILL BE MAJOR SPOILERS IN THIS*

So our movie starts off with Stellan Skarsgard coming across a bloody and beaten Charlotte Gainsbourg in an alley behind his shitty one bedroom apartment. Instead of calling an ambulance or even the cops, he takes her up to his room, feeds her tea and they get to talking about her life of fucking people and fucking herself.

You know what?? Fuck it. I’ll say this – these movies are both well done and well made and Trier tells the story he wanted to tell and got away with a bunch of shit and, like all three of his movies I have seen, you’ll probably either really love it or hate it and I understand if you love it but there’s something I just have to get off of my chest that’s been bothering me for three days now. I am getting ready to totally give away the ending in about three seconds. TOTALLY! You’ve been warned!!

NYMPH1c

SO – after everything we’ve just fucking been through… after listening to these two people talk for FOUR fucking hours, after watching her fuck everyone in town so often that her puss bleeds, after watching her get the fuck beat out of her and peed on, 60 Year Old Virgin (yep) Skarsgard finally puts her to bed and decides to sneak out for a piece of ass for the first time in his fucking life and she says “No, don’t” and he says “But you’ve fucked thousands of guys” SO SHE FUCKING SHOOTS HIM AND KILLS HIM AND RUNS OFF INTO THE NIGHT??????? HUH?????? She just killed the only person who was EVER nice to her because he wanted some sex???? She fucked ten guys a night for her whole life and she shoots this poor fucker who just listened to her life story because he wanted a dip in that pool??? Couldn’t she have jacked him off or something???? What a MISERABLE way to end that story.

And why does this poster exist??

NYMPH1D

Udo Kier was in this for, like, three minutes… His scene? He’s a waiter waiting on young Joe (The Nympho) and LaPoof in a fancy restaurant. He gives them tea and cakes while she shoves spoons up her puss. Quality!! You know… come to think of it the whole concept of this movie is preposterous…  Why would someone all beat to shit open up to some stranger like that? “Hi, I just got beat up by my ex-lover and peed on by my other ex-lover. Want to hear my life story?” PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

NYMPH1e

Yet, still, these aren’t the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I liked Christian Slater in it. It was good to see him in something NOT godawful. I thought Uma Thurman was FANTASTIC and I LOVED how mature (and beautiful) she looks now. What else? I can’t even say I liked the sex since most of it was so non-erotic I couldn’t believe it. I guess those BJ scenes were sexy. I liked the fact that one character had a deformed ear. Honestly, I’ve thought about this for four straight days and that’s all I think I liked. Four straight days of trying to figure out WHY THE FUCK they ended it like that.

NYMPH1F

I guess it’s not like I totally hated either one of them either…. I just didn’t… well…. CARE. I care more about this sandwich I am having for lunch more than I cared about Joe or Skarsgard or any of the characters, really. I really only felt anything for Thurman’s character and I liked what was going on with Slater until he shit himself. Really?? GROSS, Trier. Oh well. I guess now I can say I’ve seen them if anyone asks but no one will. I wish I hadn’t spent twenty bucks to see these. I hope everyone has a GREAT week!!!

53 comments

  1. Dear Chop,

    You know what, the more I read about these the more I think that there is no ways that I am going to be able to make it through them… I just… it doesn’t look like my thing. I am sorry to hear that you wasted twenty bucks on this!

    Aside from that though, loved the review! You just put it out there exactly as you experienced it. Sounds… too far out of what I could get myself through. And four hours? That is some serious commitment right there…

    Love,

    JB

    Like

    • theipc

      Dearest JB,

      You know I care about you and I protect those who I care about. These movies are pretty heinous and I wouldn’t suggest you watch them, especially all four fucking hours. I mean, everyone should make their own decisions but… avert your eyes here IMO.

      Love,

      Chop

      Like

      • Dear Chop,

        I have always valued your honesty above all else and I think I am going to have to go with you on this one, I just don’t think that I can do it.

        Love,

        JB

        Like

      • theipc

        Dearest JB,

        I think we’ve made some good decisions here today. I also see that you didn’t love Gravity which hurts, but I appreciate your honesty. I’ll be over there in a bit to read the full thing and cry a little. But I am still very fond of you.

        Love,

        Chop

        Like

      • Dearest Chop,

        Why does everyone assume I didn’t like Gravity?! I enjoyed it just fine! I had a lot of fun with it and found it gripping and exciting, though I think I would have been bowled over more by a MASSIVE screen and 3D. A 7.5 is truly not the end of the world, I thought it was fair!

        Here now Chop, remember how I had to let it go when you ragged all over Shutter Island and my DiCaprio? This is NOWHERE near the same level as that!

        I am relieved to hear that at least!

        Love,

        JB

        Like

      • theipc

        Fondest JB,

        Well, good!! I was only able to read a little blurb in the pingback and thought you didn’t like it. Heading over there after this to read the full thing.

        Yes, it was unfortunate about Shutter Island… I just didn’t like that thing at all.

        #POOP

        HAHAHA!!!

        Love,

        Chop!

        Like

      • Chop,

        You damn near gave me a heart attack there, I was very confused for a minute! In which case I will wait for you to read the whole damn thing first haha!

        Oh well… at least you liked the other Scorsese/DiCaprio endeavours!

        Love,

        JB

        Like

  2. OMG! Thank you sooo much Eric. i a have been debating seeing this for a few weeks now and every time I think maybe, I decide not to. Sounds like I made the right decision and won’t be watching them after I’ve read your review.

    These posters are hilarious tho 🙂

    Like

    • theipc

      I wouldn’t waste your money. Maybe if you have a chance to see it for free and you have NOTHING else to do it might be worth it to say you’ve seen it but….

      those fucking posters….!

      Like

  3. Eric!!! Amazing film, especially vol 2! It’s all good though, totally understand that Trier is just too much for a lot of people. He’s such a polarizing filmmaker, you either love or hate his work. Excellent post! Happy that you spoiled the ending, it’s near impossible to review this film without doing so!

    Like

    • theipc

      I know you loved them… I actually liked the first one enough to go for the second but it just got loooooooooooooooooong and boring to me. By the end of it I was almost having a panic attack I wanted it to be over so much.

      Oh well!! Thanks!!!

      Like

  4. Great review, dude! I assume. ; ) I mean – I stopped halfway through as I MIGHT watch these. Just for the sex. But I’m far too stupid and have no class so I highly doubt I’ll appreciate them. I’ll be honest – I’ll fast forward to the nasty bits. ; )

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  5. Your taste is in your penis, sir! How dare you rag on such a piece of art. You are a philistine and no mistake. 😉

    I will agree with you on the ending, though. It did end on a bit of a bum note that didn’t make entire sense with the rest of the film.

    As always, I appreciate your honest thoughts… Even if you are very wrong!!

    Boat Drink, my Blogga!! 🙂

    Like

    • theipc

      I knew you’d ride my ass for this one but I have to honest… I actually liked part 1 enough to do part 2 but part 2 was just… wrong and the end REALLY FUCKING disappointed me. What a piece of shit ending. Oh well… glad you loved it!!

      BOAT DRINKS MY BLOGGA!!

      Like

  6. Since you told me there are major spoilers here, I just skimmed through this. But I get the gist that you aren’t a terribly big fan. I hope I like it more than you do, when I finally see it. 🙂

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  7. Pingback: Today’s Headlines presented by R.O.T.O.R.! 4-9-2014 | Hard Ticket to Home Video

  8. garylee828

    Wow, I just tried to give this a go on netflix and it was so damn dull that I had to skim through it just so I could try to make out what the heck the story was. I am actually surprised you didn’t detest this thing. I actually have to disagree w/ you about something (big surprise!!) – I thought Christian Slater was terribly miscast and his accent was dreadful. The only good part of the series was William DaFoe’s storyline where he got her to start working for him doing debt. collections. They could have made a solid 110 minute film with Gainsbourg and DaFoe running a debt. collection agency together. Would have been much more interesting. DaFoe was the only interesting character in the film. And “P” also had the potential to be intriguing, especially b/c of her background. But overall, this was a snoozefest. Not really shitfest, but snoozefest. Maybe we need to have “Snoozefest: Fall” before “Shitfest: Winter”. lol.

    Like

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