Isaacs Picture Conclusions



I don’t know why but I have been struggling to write about this goddamned thing. I mean, it’s all kinds of fucking awesome, Jeremy Piven ISN’T an enormous douche, the visuals and cinematography are pretty wicked, it’s bloody and fun, Jason Bateman is hilarious and Alicia Keys is Smokin’ Hot but I can’t really think of any way to go about this one. Should I tell a poop story….?? No….


You know, I just can’t get into talking about Smokin’ Aces… so let’s talk about a different piece of cinema. It’s a very short, extremely profound piece of art and it can be found HERE. It’s called The Oracle Returns, featuring a skinny man named Luke Abbott who speaks and moves his hands and arms a lot, like I do. There’s also a mysterious drawing of Jon Snow from, I assume, Game of Thrones but we’ll get to that in a little bit.


First off, the viewer is quick to notice that Luke REALLY uses that right hand a LOT. To what purpose? Does he have some sort of physical tic? A curious debilitating side effect from all of those Penis Enlargement pills he’s been taking since he turned 21? Perhaps he’s preparing to masturbate? Or, maybe there’s some sort of infestation of insects where he’s standing and he’s trying to shoo them away. Whatever the reason, Luke our thoughts and prayers are with you.


Secondly, at 49 seconds into this film, Luke appears to be humping the air, performing as if he had mounted someone in the French Position. One can’t be sure what exactly is going on in the man’s mind as a miserable Rick Astley song from the 80s is playing over the audio, but Luke appears to really be getting after it. Who does he believe he’s porking? Table Nine Mutant? The Critical Cinephile? Jail Bait????? THE IPC? The main character from A PUBLIC RANSOM? I guess we’ll never know for sure. Also intriguing, at the 1:03 mark, he ropes an imaginary noose around his neck and pretends to hang himself… is this that move that killed David Carradine? I think it was Smash who postulated “Who was the first person to think, ‘I think I’ll hang myself while beating off’, and what were the results?” Is this what Luke is getting on about? Is he intending to hump the likes of Brian @ Hard Ticket to Home Video and then hang himself to get a better jizz on??


As the video ends shortly after that, some of these questions may never get answered. And, while Smokin’ Aces was really good, the end of it was pretty stupid and, with the end of both videos, I feel unfulfilled and stuck with a case of the Blue Balls. YEARRRGGHH!



  1. Dear Chop,

    Dear goodness, this is entertaining! I am going to pop over and check out dear Luke’s video while on lunch now and I will report back to you. It sounds ridiculously entertaining.

    Excuse me, while we are at it, but… I might be getting an imaginary porking?! What?!



    Liked by 2 people

  2. I like to leave my movie open to the viewer’s interpretation. I like to hope I reflected the euphemism of society’s need to corrupt and consume everything, which ends with their inevitable passing away.

    And if you think my right arm is bad, wait until you see me after a drink. I am like a fucking windmill. Haha.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Maybe we can start a new beat-off trend that doesn’t involve accidentally hanging oneself. Like… I don’t know… um. Maybe you could beat off out an open window on the second story and aim for the shrubs? Report back to me, tell me if it was thrilling. And if not, back to the drawing board.


  4. Aaaaaand catch up starts…NOW! I’ve never seen Smokin’ Aces, but I did see Luke’s video. Five star stuff. I like how you’ve broken things down. Clearly, you’re a big fan. 😉


  5. Finally watched this and I was like what the fuck was this shit? This was outrageous, bloody and balls out action. My head can’t take it, haha. Plus Alicia Keys looked hot in those boots. I wouldn’t say it was an amazing movie but it was an over the top shoot em up fest.

    Liked by 1 person

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