I don’t know why but I have been struggling to write about this goddamned thing. I mean, it’s all kinds of fucking awesome, Jeremy Piven ISN’T an enormous douche, the visuals and cinematography are pretty wicked, it’s bloody and fun, Jason Bateman is hilarious and Alicia Keys is Smokin’ Hot but I can’t really think of any way to go about this one. Should I tell a poop story….?? No….
You know, I just can’t get into talking about Smokin’ Aces… so let’s talk about a different piece of cinema. It’s a very short, extremely profound piece of art and it can be found HERE. It’s called The Oracle Returns, featuring a skinny man named Luke Abbott who speaks and moves his hands and arms a lot, like I do. There’s also a mysterious drawing of Jon Snow from, I assume, Game of Thrones but we’ll get to that in a little bit.
First off, the viewer is quick to notice that Luke REALLY uses that right hand a LOT. To what purpose? Does he have some sort of physical tic? A curious debilitating side effect from all of those Penis Enlargement pills he’s been taking since he turned 21? Perhaps he’s preparing to masturbate? Or, maybe there’s some sort of infestation of insects where he’s standing and he’s trying to shoo them away. Whatever the reason, Luke our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Secondly, at 49 seconds into this film, Luke appears to be humping the air, performing as if he had mounted someone in the French Position. One can’t be sure what exactly is going on in the man’s mind as a miserable Rick Astley song from the 80s is playing over the audio, but Luke appears to really be getting after it. Who does he believe he’s porking? Table Nine Mutant? The Critical Cinephile? Jail Bait????? THE IPC? The main character from A PUBLIC RANSOM? I guess we’ll never know for sure. Also intriguing, at the 1:03 mark, he ropes an imaginary noose around his neck and pretends to hang himself… is this that move that killed David Carradine? I think it was Smash who postulated “Who was the first person to think, ‘I think I’ll hang myself while beating off’, and what were the results?” Is this what Luke is getting on about? Is he intending to hump the likes of Brian @ Hard Ticket to Home Video and then hang himself to get a better jizz on??
As the video ends shortly after that, some of these questions may never get answered. And, while Smokin’ Aces was really good, the end of it was pretty stupid and, with the end of both videos, I feel unfulfilled and stuck with a case of the Blue Balls. YEARRRGGHH!
#cake
I have no idea what just happened there, but good review anyway haha
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LOL!! PERFECT!!! My work here is done 🙂
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Dear Chop,
Dear goodness, this is entertaining! I am going to pop over and check out dear Luke’s video while on lunch now and I will report back to you. It sounds ridiculously entertaining.
Excuse me, while we are at it, but… I might be getting an imaginary porking?! What?!
Love,
JB
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JB,
My money is on you for the porking. I don’t call you JB for no reason.
Love,
Chop!!
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Chop,
You are gunning for an arrest I see…
Love,
JB
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JB,
Hands off like plutonium!
Love,
Chop
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I like to leave my movie open to the viewer’s interpretation. I like to hope I reflected the euphemism of society’s need to corrupt and consume everything, which ends with their inevitable passing away.
And if you think my right arm is bad, wait until you see me after a drink. I am like a fucking windmill. Haha.
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I watched your birthday video…. did you get that cleared for seizure inducing visuals before you posted it??
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I’d like to smoke Alicia Keys’s ace.
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FILTH
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#filth
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I’ll see if I can get something set up.
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You’re the man!
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She replied back to my email:
Dear lady or gentleman,
I don’t do it with short people who live in New Jersey.
Sincerely,
AK
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Who’s short?
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At some point in time you commented on something letting me know that you were like, 5′ 1″ but had an enormous willie….
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Haha! WTF? I’m confused. Was Luke in Smokin’ Aces? Was Ryan Reynolds dancing around to Rick Astley? What’s all this talk of porking???
#MmmCAKE!
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Peter Porker!!!!
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I’m actually Ray Liotta. It is amazing what prosthetics can do these days.
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WOW!! You’ve lost, say, 300 pounds??? Nice!!
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OW! You’re on one today haha. Ergot poisoning?
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I had a day off yesterday so I got some rest 🙂
And ergot poisoning.
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Maybe we can start a new beat-off trend that doesn’t involve accidentally hanging oneself. Like… I don’t know… um. Maybe you could beat off out an open window on the second story and aim for the shrubs? Report back to me, tell me if it was thrilling. And if not, back to the drawing board.
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I like it!! The Open Air Beat Off… TOABO
#TOABO
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Sorry, i have a confession to make. While you were away making this comment i beat-off over your drawing board. Soz 😦
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Well, in the interest of cultivating a new strange, how was it for you?
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The actual act wasn’t great but the excitement about getting caught was amazing!
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Wait…I did what? With who? Whatever it was, I’ll swear right now that I was totally roofied. Or he was. Or we both were. Hell, I’m under the influence of roofies right now. Who are you people? Where are my pants?
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HA!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I’m kind of groggy too but I think that’s your pants over there in the dishwasher and Luke is passed out nude and face down on the stairs… oh, and it looks like someone peed in the silverware drawer…
What a night!!
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I knew this spoon tasted funny!
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And NONE of my comment is based off of anything that really happened to me…….
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#likeafatkidlovescake
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Sneaky Littlefinger!!
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I’m pretty sure I fell asleep in this.
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In Smokin Aces or Luke’s movie?? 🙂
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Maybe both.
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LOL
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Great Review!!
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#cake. Amen.
And this review is hilagiours, in its tangentiality. 🙂
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Hilagiours? Serious. What is wrong with my fingers?
Hilarious.
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I was reading that on my phone and thought you had slipped a new word past me 🙂
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And THANK YOU!!
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No. Thank you for entertaining me.
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Aaaaaand catch up starts…NOW! I’ve never seen Smokin’ Aces, but I did see Luke’s video. Five star stuff. I like how you’ve broken things down. Clearly, you’re a big fan. 😉
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LOL Cara!! HA!!! You should check out Smokin’ Aces – it’s pretty good!!! THANK YOU for checking things out over here!!!
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Anything for a PROBY!
#probielove #probies4eva #probilicious
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#probies4eva #lovingcaraproby #delicious
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This looks like one wild flick Eric.
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This thing is all kinds of good!
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I trust you there Eric.
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Hey Eric, I was wondering if you could check out my About Me page. I recently uploaded a photo of me to give readers an insight, and I value your opinion.
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You got it, boss!
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Thanks man.
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Acknowledged!
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Finally watched this and I was like what the fuck was this shit? This was outrageous, bloody and balls out action. My head can’t take it, haha. Plus Alicia Keys looked hot in those boots. I wouldn’t say it was an amazing movie but it was an over the top shoot em up fest.
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Yes sir! I loved it and loved Keys : )
Never check out the second one, even out of curiosity!
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I think I’d have to watch it again to see what I thought of it. So much razzmatazz going on in it.
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Yep – I loved it – I watched it on DVD so long ago and then watched it a few days or so before I put that post together. Some time you should see Stretch. It’s by the same director and kind of up the same alley as this one but with less shooting.
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As I said, will have to give it a second chance and see how I feel. Thanks for the recommendation of Stretch. Gotta sign off for sleep, gotta break in a thong for my new routine. How does leopard print sound to you?
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Sounds winning, boss : )
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Leopard thong it is then. I’ve heard it’s a winner in the bedroom department Eric, you should invest in one. Talk to you soon boss.
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And just one more thing before the banana hammock is on, how is the movie filming going bud?
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Duty calls, catch you soon boss.
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