Let’s make no mistake. This movie from 1990 is absolutely WRETCHED. The acting is PITIFUL, the sets are even stupid, the plot is ridiculous, the cast is ugly, the music is most foul and everything about it sucks! But, somehow, I kind of liked it. I think most of the people that were hanging around here at the beginning of 2013 have kind of petered out but some long timers might remember this. Last year I was running a second website that is 1000% NSFW and I challenged Brian to watch a movie. It was an absolutely fucking awful bowl of oily stool, so naturally I challenged him to torture himself and you can see what happened HERE. While I didn’t find anything funny about that goddamn movie, I kind of had the experience they had with this one, although I was sitting by myself and not talking to anyone. For some reason this movie is SO STUPID that it knows how FUCKING STUPID it is and, basically, makes fun of itself. My rule is that if you can’t make fun of yourself, you can’t make fun of anyone else so… yeah, this movie sucks but I kind of liked it.
This film crew is making a cheap porn called “Bad Girls From Mars” and, during a break, the lead goes to her dressing room (which looks like a gas station bathroom) and is sitting there with her top off, combing her hair when she sees a note on her vanity (that’s NOT the lead, above). I don’t remember exactly how the note read but it was something like this:
roses are red
violets are blue
you’ll soon be dead
when I kill you with this ribbon
Later, after she’s been missing for a few hours, the crew goes to look for her in her dressing room and finds her hanging from a rope, deader than fuck. “I hope we can re-use her black dress…” comments an intern. Naturally, they hire the blond lady up top who is NOT an actress, but a world famous prostitute. Also naturally, after she is picked up from the bus station, she goes ahead and changes her top three or four times while being driven down the street in an open convertible.
After arriving at the pool party to meet the cast and crew, she changes into her bathing suit and heads out to the patio. As she walks to get a cocktail, a blond lady dives into the pool and swims to the other side. “That’s (someone), she’s (something)” the director points at the lady in the pool. Cut to her and she’s leaning on the side of the pool and her hair is perfectly dry, styled and she’s wearing sunglasses. LOL Stupid Asses!!
Eventually Big Boobs heads to the set of the movie and finds a note on her desk. It’s something like:
One, Two, Buckle My Shoe
Three, Four, Open the Door
Five, Six, Pick up Sticks
Seven, Eight You’re Going to Die in a Few Minutes
So she tears out screaming and runs down the street with her tits out and comes across a convenience store being held up. Of course, she’s a world famous prostitute so the guys ask for her autograph, which she obliges and then it’s back to work. Soon, more boobs are out everywhere and the SCHPROIIIIIIIING sound effect is being used and people are doing some fuckin’ and more people die and then we get to the big reveal so: SPOILERS!!! SCHPROIIIIIIIING!!!
It turns out that the intern (above) (who horror folks have probably seen in other things) used to be a dude who the world famous prostitute fucked in a garbage dumpster when he was a virgin. He loved it so much he turned himself into a woman and can only fuck people if the smell of trash is in the air. So Big Boobs puts a grenade in her mouth and blows everything to smithereens and then they go back to finish the shoot. Nothing makes any goddamned sense and I kind of loved it a little bit even though anything from 1990 can go fuck itself.
I know this last image sucks and I am sorry OCD-Mates but it’s all I could find. There’s a girl wrestling / fight in the middle of this that lasts abut ten minutes that is absolutely hilarious and to die for. I could watch that all the time. Oh well, I guess this is about enough of this shit. This is totally a useless piece of shit but…. kind of stupidly awesome.
The Itsy Bitsy Spider crawled up the waterspout.
Down came the rain, and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun, and dried up all the rain,
I can only have sex if there is trash surrounding me thanks to you.
Only Eric…. Haha
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL!! 🙂
LikeLike
I think I might have seen bits of this film on a television that was installed in this bar I used to go to occasionally. They put cheesy 90s films like this on with the sound off to be super ironic and cool. Something about the poetry and that chick’s awful blonde hair is really familiar!
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is a terrible thing…. but I had fun with it in that “first time you ever made out with someone” kind of way…. awkward and messy….
LikeLike
Dearest Chop,
Welcome back.
You definitely know what I love STACKS about this post 😀
But this is definitely something I will be giving a wide berth.
Love,
JB
LikeLiked by 1 person
Warmest JB,
LOL! Just for you!!!
I’m unusually busy at work today 😦 Talk soon!
Love and Fondles,
Chop
LikeLike
Chop,
That really cracks me up every time. It won’t get old.
😦 I know. We (being me, myself, and I) are missing you stacks!
Love,
JB
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. This movie has “Eric” written all over it… ; ) I liked “anything from 1990 can go fuck itself”. Lol! I also love that amazing poetry.
Roses are red
Eric likes boobs
But if he’s at work
He won’t take a poo
LikeLiked by 2 people
That’s the GREATEST poem I’ve ever read!
LikeLike
Oh, Eric. You’re such a fucking poet. *Wipes tear from eye*
LikeLiked by 1 person
I second that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
IT WORKED!!! I MOVED SOMEONE!!!!
*cries a little*
*cries a lot*
*wails*
*shuts the fuck up and gets back to work*
LikeLike
And I think I might have actually seen this pile of rubbish, back when I was a teenager and we were getting free Cinemax. Can’t remember for sure, but it sounds familiar enough that it’s possible.
Mind you, I have no memory what I thought about its quality. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
“Quality”. That’s not the word I would use for this…. 🙂 Nor would I use “Value”.
LikeLike
If I have seen it . . . either would I. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
First off………..boobs………Second……what the hell is this??!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
90s SMUT!!
LikeLike
OH lord! Does she have her boobs out the entire movie?
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL!! PRETTY MUCH!!!!
#alloutboobs
LikeLike
#shakeem
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent poetry!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL!! THANKS!!!
LikeLike
Oh… god…
LikeLiked by 1 person
HA HA HA!!!
LikeLike
hahaha “the cast is ugly.” I laughed so hard at that, it’s such a perfectly blunt statement and I believe you 100%.
LikeLike
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
LikeLike
Molly and the Ghost is still one of my favorite things I’ve ever written. I wish I could be there for your shitfest social. Maybe just you and I could do something along those lines sometime.
LikeLike
I would love too, my sister. I’ve been trying to think about how we could. The thing is – the wife doesn’t like these types of movies so it’s easier for me to give these a watch while I’m fucking off at work….
LikeLike
Oh I’m sorry I meant to write this on Screenkicker.
LikeLike
Oh, Ok. Sorry to reply.
LikeLike
I’m just fucking with you, cocksucker.
LikeLike
Typical Frenchman…..
LikeLike
I’m always down for girl wrestling especially if it’s ten minutes long. Shot, that’s longer than the fight in They Live. I’m there bro. Oh, and where the hell did you watch this?
Rose are Red
Violets are Blue
Vic digs boobs
Glad my wife has two
Now, where’s my fucking Pulitzer!
LikeLike
Consider yourself Pulitzered!!!!
I got it through Netflix, DVD style 🙂 It’s kind of awful – but fun 🙂
LikeLike
Lolololol. This is glorious. Your poems crack me up. You are the Walt Whitman of the movie blogging world, my friend.
LikeLike
LOL – I do try 🙂 Remember – when I die – on my gravestone I want:
HE TRIED
LikeLike
HA! Noted. 😉
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLike