Let’s make no mistake. This movie from 1990 is absolutely WRETCHED. The acting is PITIFUL, the sets are even stupid, the plot is ridiculous, the cast is ugly, the music is most foul and everything about it sucks! But, somehow, I kind of liked it. I think most of the people that were hanging around here at the beginning of 2013 have kind of petered out but some long timers might remember this. Last year I was running a second website that is 1000% NSFW and I challenged Brian to watch a movie. It was an absolutely fucking awful bowl of oily stool, so naturally I challenged him to torture himself and you can see what happened HERE. While I didn’t find anything funny about that goddamn movie, I kind of had the experience they had with this one, although I was sitting by myself and not talking to anyone. For some reason this movie is SO STUPID that it knows how FUCKING STUPID it is and, basically, makes fun of itself. My rule is that if you can’t make fun of yourself, you can’t make fun of anyone else so… yeah, this movie sucks but I kind of liked it.
This film crew is making a cheap porn called “Bad Girls From Mars” and, during a break, the lead goes to her dressing room (which looks like a gas station bathroom) and is sitting there with her top off, combing her hair when she sees a note on her vanity (that’s NOT the lead, above). I don’t remember exactly how the note read but it was something like this:
roses are red
violets are blue
you’ll soon be dead
when I kill you with this ribbon
Later, after she’s been missing for a few hours, the crew goes to look for her in her dressing room and finds her hanging from a rope, deader than fuck. “I hope we can re-use her black dress…” comments an intern. Naturally, they hire the blond lady up top who is NOT an actress, but a world famous prostitute. Also naturally, after she is picked up from the bus station, she goes ahead and changes her top three or four times while being driven down the street in an open convertible.
After arriving at the pool party to meet the cast and crew, she changes into her bathing suit and heads out to the patio. As she walks to get a cocktail, a blond lady dives into the pool and swims to the other side. “That’s (someone), she’s (something)” the director points at the lady in the pool. Cut to her and she’s leaning on the side of the pool and her hair is perfectly dry, styled and she’s wearing sunglasses. LOL Stupid Asses!!
Eventually Big Boobs heads to the set of the movie and finds a note on her desk. It’s something like:
One, Two, Buckle My Shoe
Three, Four, Open the Door
Five, Six, Pick up Sticks
Seven, Eight You’re Going to Die in a Few Minutes
So she tears out screaming and runs down the street with her tits out and comes across a convenience store being held up. Of course, she’s a world famous prostitute so the guys ask for her autograph, which she obliges and then it’s back to work. Soon, more boobs are out everywhere and the SCHPROIIIIIIIING sound effect is being used and people are doing some fuckin’ and more people die and then we get to the big reveal so: SPOILERS!!! SCHPROIIIIIIIING!!!
It turns out that the intern (above) (who horror folks have probably seen in other things) used to be a dude who the world famous prostitute fucked in a garbage dumpster when he was a virgin. He loved it so much he turned himself into a woman and can only fuck people if the smell of trash is in the air. So Big Boobs puts a grenade in her mouth and blows everything to smithereens and then they go back to finish the shoot. Nothing makes any goddamned sense and I kind of loved it a little bit even though anything from 1990 can go fuck itself.
I know this last image sucks and I am sorry OCD-Mates but it’s all I could find. There’s a girl wrestling / fight in the middle of this that lasts abut ten minutes that is absolutely hilarious and to die for. I could watch that all the time. Oh well, I guess this is about enough of this shit. This is totally a useless piece of shit but…. kind of stupidly awesome.
The Itsy Bitsy Spider crawled up the waterspout.
Down came the rain, and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun, and dried up all the rain,
I can only have sex if there is trash surrounding me thanks to you.