Isaacs Picture Conclusions

PROXY (2013) THANKS, BUT… NO THANKS

PROXY1

*SPOILERS THROUGHOUT*

*GRAPHIC IMAGERY TOO*

*DON’T READ IF YOU’RE EASILY SICKENED*

*REALLY*

When I watched the trailer for this I thought it was going to be a tough watch but I also noticed that this film is directed by the guy who did SCALENE, a clever little indie that I liked quite a bit that was…. relatively tame for the most part. It was more emotional horror and not violent, grisly, bloody horror. So I rented this movie – having liked SCALENE – and found something that was relatively GOD AWFUL with a few redeeming pieces. This is also your last chance to stop reading this before I offer up some gruesome details about this thing. Last chance. Stop.PROXY2This first ten minutes of this movie are this: a very pregnant woman is getting an ultrasound. She seems cute and innocent and is probably a real nice girl. As she’s walking to the bus, she gets clubbed in the back of the head with a brick by someone wearing a red hoodie. In fact, I’m going to cover this up. While she’s lying there unconscious, her assailant takes the brick and bashes it on her stomach ten or fifteen times. If that wasn’t fucking enough, after they get to the hospital, they show the ER people pulling the fucking baby out of her stomach!!!!! It was SO FUCKING GROSS I COULDN’T EVEN WATCH IT. FUCKING BARF. FUCKING WRETCHED. MOST UNCLEAN!!!PROXY3But I powered on and, after all of that mess, we get some more standard story telling. Grief counseling… mopey mirror stares…. counseling groups… new friends etc. The lead character’s name is Esther and she meets a blond lady at counseling named Melanie. Melanie also lost her son a few years ago. They bond and one night Esther goes home and is looking in the fridge and the person in the red hoodie walks by! The hoodie is in the house!! FUCK!!! OH NO!! Esther gets dragged off screaming!! What now?? We hear her grunting and groaning off screen!! Slow track into the room!! What’s going on??? Slow turn around the corner!!!! EEEEHHHHHHH……. they’re fucking???? Dog French Style???? HUH????PROXY4After all of the fucking is over, we learn that the person in the hoodie is a “she”, so they must have been using some attachments. And then – in a very puzzling move, the filmmakers have Esther’s girlfriend say “I just love fucking you. Don’t ever let anyone else fuck you. I did what I did because no one loves you like I do.” WHA? HUH? Next up?? She goes to a bar and lets two guys fuck her in a filthy bathroom, French Style. I don’t know about you but never in my life have I wanted Sloppy Seconds. Not once in my life have I EVER thought, “Boy I’d like to put my peep in there now that it’s filled with someone else’s jizz.” Wow – this thing is going longer than I expected…. I better go get some more pics.
PROXY5The next day or so, Esther goes to the mall and sees Melanie in some department store screaming about how her kid has gone missing. Huh? So she follows her outside like a pervy stalker and sees Melanie pull her son out of an SUV and carry him back inside the store. What? Another night comes around and her new bestie is feeling lonely so she pays a visit to where Esther lives. They do some talking and Esther kisses Melanie on the mouth and that doesn’t go over so well and Esther screams “I saw you and your son!!” and Melanie takes off like a typical, lying Greek.PROXY6So what does Esther do??? She storms over to Melanie’s house and drowns her son, that’s what. And then, in what I actually thought was kind of a cool plot point, because it’s ballsy to do this, Melanie’s husband kills Esther by blowing her guts all over the place. I always find it cool when someone will kill off the main character in the middle of a movie – it’s done so rarely. In other news, the scene where he kills her is so utterly pretentious and lame, I hated it. It’s super, super, super slow mo and blood and guts come flying at one inch per minute all over Joe Swanberg’s scrunched up face. It was absolutely laughable, and I know this was the big money shot of the movie.PROXY7You know, I hate to be the guy who just spouts out the plot of the movie so I’ll wrap it up. Things get weirder from here and, unlike some things I watch that I really can’t stand, I appreciate what they were trying to do here and, without the first ten  minutes of this, I might have liked it better but…. nah. You know what I liked best about this movie? At one point after the middle, Red Hoodie’s truck has been stolen. Weeks later she’s beating off in her roadside motel room when there’s a knock on the door. Irritated, she pulls up her drawers, DOESN’T was her hands and opens it up. Outside there’s a cop played by actress Rachel Illingworth.

COP: Are you (whatshername)?

WHATSHERNAME: Yeah what of it.

COP (looks down, looks up): Care to put on some pants?

WHATSHERNAME: No. Got a problem?

Best part of the movie, right there.
PROXY8I HOPE EVERYONE HAS GREAT WEEKENDS!!

 

54 comments

  1. Dear Chop,

    WTF did you subject yourself to?! WOW! Poor you!

    In other news though, screw construction and all that, though the end product is usually awesome!

    Love always,

    JB

    Like

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