Isaacs Picture Conclusions

ALIEN ABDUCTION (2014) NOT SO MUCH…

ALIENAB1

This post is dedicated to Brian @ Hard Ticket to Home Video

 I’ve seen this hanging around – loitering and smoking cigarettes by the “NO SMOKING” sign – if you will, for some time now and thought the trailer looked interesting BUT I also thought that if what is happening at the end of the trailer is what I think is happening in the movie, this might be a fucking stretch to get through. But one of my friends watched it and liked it – liked it enough that he called it “reasonable” (or something) so, one day I was stuck at home getting my doors reframed and – while I was imprisoned in my kitchen, listening to an overweight man grunt and groan for four straight fucking hours, I gave this a look. And, while I still respect my friend and the work he does – because to each their own and we all have our own perspectives – I thought this movie was terrible and hated it from the opening. This thing will be filled with SPOILERS so you might head on out the back if you’re looking forward to this.ALIENAB5 We all know almost every movie has it’s Money Shot (and NO I don’t mean a “Pop Shot” Boyd) and the movie people usually save that up for the end. Well… this one starts off with the Money Scene and it pissed me off in a number of ways. The set up: an alien with his alien fingers turns on a Video Camera up on his spaceship. He films some creepy hallways and we hear people screaming and……. glimpse some alien carving up some human with some sort of handsaw.

While I consider myself a Master Proby – I have NEVER understood the concept of some race of aliens soaring across the universe to pick up some humans and put their fingers up our butts. As well – WHY would some group of intergalactic astronauts come to our planet to pick some of us up and then cut off our arms with a primitive saw? Wouldn’t they have some laser-y thing or something?

But…

So this guy is filming the inside of his ship (WHY??) and he takes the Camera to some sort of chute and jettisons it out into space.  Even though it’s cool footage, for some reason this tiny piece of metal and plastic DOESN’T drift off into space like some 1/8th pound of debris floating in the non-gravity of the universe, but instead – WHILE RECORDING – spirals through the Earth’s atmosphere and crashes, 1st POV, onto some farmland, simply cracking it’s lens.

WTH

HUH? It didn’t burn to cinders in a matter of seconds, screaming through the atmosphere???? It didn’t blow into smitherfuckingeens when it landed?? What did it have, a parachute??? FUCK. COME ON. But onward we press and we go back to why this video camera is being used in the first place. Turns out some “autistic” kid uses it to film everything because it makes him “feel better”.

*glances to the side*

K.ALIENAB2 So this family drives around in the mountains of North Carolina and they get lost and the mom and dad yell at each other a lot and a shitload of dead crows fall from the sky and that doesn’t seem to bother them but then they’re about to run out gas and they come up on this fucking tunnel. This fucking tunnel is filled with wrecked and abandoned cars. Dozens of em. They can’t turn around and go back because they’re about out of gas so…. the dad, the brother and the autistic kid go investigate. Because that’s what you would do with your autistic kid, right? Take him into the unlit, disaster area. I have a cousin somewhere on my dad’s side that’s autistic. Nothing against him or anyone autistic…. I haven’t seen him in probably 30 years but…. he could get pretty fussy sometimes. I don’t think I would take him into the tunnel (above).ALIENAB4 Anyway. Once they’re in the middle of the tunnel, the aliens come into view and one of them grabs the dad and he starts screaming so the brother and the boy with the camera run off, leaving him to die a nasty death, presumably and hop in the car and peel out, burning rubber like a mother fucker. I like how I just made myself laugh. Blah blah blah they run out of gas and end up at some hillbilly, buttfucking redneck’s house.  Of course, the hillbilly, buttfucking redneck wants to kill them at first – “GET OFF MY PAPPY’S LAND” style – but they convince him to let them in and he proceeds to bend them all over his Pappy’s recliner and buttfuck them all, one by one, at gunpoint, screaming “LOOK AT ME, PAPPY!!! LOOKIT LOOKIT!!! I’M CHURNING THAT BUTTER JUST LIKE YOU TAUGHT ME, PAPPY!!! PAPPY!!! PAPPY!!!!“ALIENAB3 That last part didn’t really happen, but it should have – it could have made this movie a little better. A little later the aliens and their EXTREMELY LOUD spaceship that no government entity has ever been able to hear or capture track down the entire cast and zoom them up into their ship where we end with what we started – the video of the inside of the ship and the camera’s unbelievable trip back to Earth. I know it sounds like I hated this movie – because I did – so let’s come back tomorrow and talk about something I really liked.

Love,

Pappy Isaacs

52 comments

  1. Zoë

    Dear SC / Pappy Isaacs,

    What the ever loving hell? This sounds so…. just not for me. And it isn’t even that I mind alien movies, I just don’t see why we would get probed like that, either. Oh well.

    Love,

    JB

    Like

    Reply
  16. kloipy

    I just watched this last night. It sucks. Starts off alright, up until the dad gets taken. Then it was just boring for another hour. And I was fucking pissed that it ended with the same footage it began with. YEAH WE FUCKING SAW IT ALREADY, MOVIE!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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