Greetings, pathetic humans. Many of you have heard tell of me and my many heart-pounding adventures (see here and here), but for those of you who are in the dark, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alejandro Hannibal Jack-the-Ripper Optimus Prime Shitfestival Trophyton the Third. But you may call me “Miguel.” My somewhat tolerable guardian, that Cara chick, has given me leave to do something I have wanted to do ever since I entered this strange and mostly boring plane of existence: pay homage to my beautiful, benevolent, almighty Creator, Lord Eric “The IPC” Isaacs. He is a majestic creature whom I suspect is the offspring of a phoenix and an angel and a velociraptor. Cara tells me that having three biological parents is not how reproduction works, but I don’t believe her.
When faced with the challenge of how to properly honor my beloved Creator, who farts with the strength and splendor of ten thousand soaring dragons, I paused to consider His scriptures, which you disrespectful heathens refer to as “movie reviews.” Unlike so many of you, Lord Eric, My Sun and Stars and Moon of My Life, appreciates the finer things, and nothing is finer than a good, violent, piss-your-pants-it’s-so-agonizing death. Though I could fill entire encyclopedias with thrilling deaths that never cease to bring a smile to my face, I thought it best to pay tribute to my Creator with 10 of my very favorite movie deaths. Much Adored and Most Unclean One, I sincerely hope this list pleases you. And I hope the rest of you enjoy, too, I guess.
10: Death by Maze and Inclement Weather – Jack Torrance (The Shining)
Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) is a chump. All that time—all that time to plan out his takeover of the Overlook Hotel and what does he do? Gets outfoxed by a kid who can walk backwards and a twig of a lady who can’t wield a knife for shit. Sure, he has a death on his hands and he does some mean damage to a door, but I laugh at his weak attempts at villainy. I would’ve been king of that creepy place in 15 minutes flat. Yes, Jack deserved to die. What better way than to gradually freeze to death while lost in the world’s most time-consuming maze? Bonus points for the ridiculous expression frozen on his face. Makes me giggle every time.
9: Death by Naked Embarrassment…Though Mostly by Knife, I Guess – Marion Crane (Psycho)
Marion Crane (Janet Leigh) should serve as a lesson to us all: never take a shower when you’re in a scary movie. Just get gross and stink it up, people. And probably there’s a lesson about stealing money from your boss somewhere in there, too. Anyway, most people would say Marion died of repeated stabs with a knife by cray cray Norman Bates/Mrs. Bates, but how mortified would you be if someone flung open the shower curtain while you were in the midst of a triumphant, exhilarating shower? I’m not convinced she didn’t die of embarrassment. The stabs were only insult to injury. This is why I always bathe in a full suit of armor. Two birds, one stone.
8: Death by Antelope Herd – Mufasa (The Lion King)
Who said cartoon deaths couldn’t be awesome? Some of you may pity Mufasa (James Earl Jones), but you can’t say he didn’t go down in a goddamn blaze of glory. I mean, c’mon…death by an antelope herd? I have told Cara that when I am old and rusted, I would like this to be how I go. She informed me that there are no antelopes in Indiana. I told her that was a pathetic answer and she’d have to make it work. Either way, I want my remains to be sent to my Creator, valiant eater of spicy foods straight from the kitchens of hell. I shall sit in his living room and lovingly haunt his pets—perhaps with an antelope hoof print forever engraved on my ghostly face.
7: Death by One Ring to Rule Them All – Gollum (The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King)
I have long hated Gollum (Andy Serkis) for stealing my ring of power. I know what the story says, but don’t listen to it—that illiterate bastard took the precious from me. But whatever. That’s all water under the Bridge of Khazad-dûm. As most of us know, it all worked out for the best anyway. Though I often miss the Dark Lord Sauron, who was one of my besties, it was almost worth it to see stupid, slimy little Gollum sink into the fiery lava of Mount Doom. I just wish he hadn’t looked so damn gleeful about it. Stupid punk.
6: Death by Freddy Krueger…and Death Bed? – Glen Lantz (A Nightmare on Elm Street)
I have often been told that Glen Lantz (Johnny Depp) died at the hands of Freddy Krueger—another good friend of mine, I might add (we text, like, all the time and wear pink on Wednesdays). But I’m not entirely convinced that Fred was the only culprit behind this delightful murder. Am I the only one seeing the handiwork of Death Bed, the Bed That Eats? I am not as familiar with his work as the Hard Ticket to Home Video boys, but c’mon…Glen sinks into the bed and a geyser of blood follows? I feel like Fred got some help from a bed murder pro. Either way, well done. I could watch this bloody death over and over again (and sometimes I do).
5: Death by Rapid Deadite Decay – Cheryl and Scott (The Evil Dead)
Dumb kids. Even I don’t mess with the Book of the Dead. Another case of “they had it coming” here. Even so, they sure ain’t pretty deaths. After succumbing to the will of Evil like the puny mortals they are, Cheryl (Ellen Sandweiss) and Scott (Richard DeManincor) find themselves in a bind when Ash (horror god Bruce Campbell) tosses the Book of the Dead into the fire. I don’t wanna ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it…hell, what am I saying? Of course I want to ruin it. They straight up rot, people. It’s gross. But it makes me weirdly hungry. Cottage cheese, anyone?
4: Death by Flaming Wheelchair – Freddy Lounds (Red Dragon)
Cara may or may not have expressed this, but I am a BIG fan of fire. I think I was a pyromaniac in another life. Oh, wait—I’m actually still a pyromaniac. What can I say? Its sheer destructive power is a beautiful thing. So, naturally, when scumbag reporter Freddy Lounds (R.I.P. Philip Seymour Hoffman) took off rolling down the road glued to a flaming wheelchair, I was all, “YAAAASSSSS!” If I ever became a serial killer, I think that would be my M.O. But Cara tells me I can’t do that, so I guess I’ll stick to crime fighting…for now…
3: Death by Dino with the Munchies/Being a Slimy Lawyer – Donald Gennaro (Jurassic Park)
There’s another thing Cara won’t let me do—get a T-Rex. She tells me they’re extinct, but I’m convinced we still have them in some secret government lab somewhere. I’m sure I could break into a place like that, but Cara probably wouldn’t let me do that either. What a buzzkill. Anyway, this is easily one of the most triumphant moments in an epic movie, but let’s be real: the moment we found out Donald Gennaro (Martin Ferrero) was not only a lawyer but a huge douche, too, we knew he was dead meat, so I don’t entirely blame the T-Rex for his death. But the way that T-Rex finds him…heh. Gets me every time.
2: Death by Adorable Alien in Chest Cavity – Kane (Alien)
We all knew something bad was in the cards for Kane (John Hurt) when that nasty space bugger attached itself to his face. However, who knew that his death would be so adorable? That’s right—I think that alien playing peek-a-boo in Kane’s chest is just precious. I mean, yes, it’s painful, bloody, and unimaginable for Kane and blah blah blah. But look at that cute widdle extra-terrestrial face! You just want to touch his itty forehead and go, “Boop!” …Woah. Did I just develop a maternal side? Is that what that feels like? I don’t like it. Excuse me. I have to go do something terrifyingly violent to purge myself…
1: Death by Ark of the Covenant Face Melt/Being a Nazi A-hole – Major Arnold Toht (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Nazis, man. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live…wait, I’m getting my sayings mixed up. You can totally live without Nazis. In fact, I’d encourage it. Those guys are jerks—which is why the fate of Major Arnold Toht (Ronald Lacey) is so perfect. That’s what he gets for messing with my Creator’s stuff! (I’m just assuming Toht stole the Ark from Lord Eric since his fate seems like something that would make my Creator smile.) The face melt is one of the messiest, juiciest, and most agonizing deaths ever. Yet it is also the most righteous ever. Praise be to The IPC! Suck it, Nazis.