Magic Mike (2012)
Directed by Steven Soderbergh
Starring:
Channing Tatum
Alex Pettyfer
Cody Horn
Matt Bomer
Olivia Munn
Joe Manganiello
Matthew McConaughey
Running time: 110 minutes
Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The plot revolves around Adam, a 19-year-old who enters the world of male stripping, guided by Mike Lane, who has been in the business for six years. The film is loosely based on the experiences of Channing Tatum, who was an 18-year-old stripper in Tampa, Florida.
A Word Before The Review:
Hello everyone! It’s Table9Mutant, Disco Girl, Mutant Parrot, Cinema Parrot Disco, Mutey, or whatever else you want to call me. This is the final day Eric’s blog will be taken over by four lovely ladies before He Who Is Most Unclean is released from the Pit of Despair & allowed to once again post about godawful horror movies filled with boobs & blood.
So, in at least keeping in the spirit of things here at The IPC (Home Of Shitfest), I’ve decided to review Magic Mike for you today. Indeed, it is a pile of shit. But instead of the usual naked boobs at The IPC, we get to look at half naked men and treat them like pieces of meat. Again. (Have a look at when Zoe took over The IPC HERE if you want to further drool over some sexy beefcake).
Besides – we all know by now that Eric has a big ‘ol man crush on Matthew McConaughey so I’m sure he won’t mind coming back to all the shirtless photos of him. Those are JUST FOR YOU, Eric! Enjoy! 😉
My Opinion On Magic Mike:
What the fuck was this shit? This was a Steven Soderbergh movie? SERIOUSLY?? You know what this was? This was Coyote Ugly With Cock. Except Magic Mike made Coyote Ugly feel Oscar-worthy. What was the point of the whole thing? That, past a certain age, maybe you should think about giving up your male stripper career & get a real job? As in… You should stop dancing like a slut on the tops of bars & get a “real” career like writing music (yeah – that was the Coyote Ugly “plot” except, in Magic Mike, his dream is to make furniture instead of write music. I think. I lost interest after ten minutes).
And you know what? You all know I have a bit of a thing for a certain Chris Hemsworth and use every opportunity possible to post photos of him, with or without clothes. But, believe it or not, I hate the male stripper thing. It’s stupid and degrading and they just look like idiots all greased up and humping around (shit – isn’t that a Bobby Brown song?). I went to see some male strippers once in my early 20s. It was gross. They were all sweaty and thrusting their bits too close to my face and the stupid girls I went with were all like “Woohoo!” and shoving money down their g-strings. I figured I better do it at least once so I took a dollar bill and gingerly tucked it in the side of the least-sweaty-looking dude’s g-string and then went & sanitized the fuck out of my hand. Okay – I didn’t quite do the last bit. But I wanted to. Nasty. So, no thanks! I can live without ever seeing a male stripper again. (Unless it’s Chris Hemsworth. He can grease himself up and get all sweaty and start humping around me as much as he likes. I’ll give HIM some dollar bills! *wink wink nudge nudge*). 😉
Um. Where was I? I think I got a little off track there. Oh – Magic Mike! So we’ve established that male strippers do nothing for me. Unfortunately, not one actor in this does anything for me either. I know chicks seem to dig Channing Tatum but I just do NOT see the attraction there. Sorry. I’ve never found Matthew McConaughey the slightest bit attractive either and, since finally seeing him in some great roles recently such as in Mud, Dallas Buyers Club & The Wolf Of Wall Street, it was a big disappointment seeing him waste his time in this piece of crap. I guess the best looking one was Alex Pettyfer but he’s a little too “clean cut” for me plus his character was a bit of a moron, which is my biggest turnoff. But, hey – I know plenty of women will find one or maybe even all of them sexy so I’m happily including as many photos of them as I can. You’re welcome, ladies. And Eric. 😉
So, anyway, the “plot” here is that Channing Tatum is an aging male stripper (30, I think) who dreams of opening up his own furniture store. Meanwhile, he takes the sweet & innocent but dumb & useless Alex Pettyfer under his wing after introducing him to the world of stripping. Pettyfer is then seduced by the seedier side of his new lifestyle & turns into an even more useless wanker than he was before stripping. Umm… Spoiler there I guess. If you care. But… What was the point? I guess it’s that Tatum is growing up & becoming a more responsible adult while Pettyfer is going in the opposite direction. Whatever. Who cares. I’m not really sure if we’re meant to feel sympathy for them or something but the movie certainly doesn’t try very hard to give these characters any depth. And if they’re going to focus on Tatum becoming “too old” for the stripper thing, surely they could have had some wise words for him coming from Matthew McConaughey or something as HE’S the one who’s clearly FAR too old to be stripping (sorry Matt – I’m old too. But I’m not planning on stripping. Lol. *shudder*). But… No. Nothing from McConaughey’s character. He’s just an old fart who takes his clothes off. What a waste of a guy who’s proven he has some pretty damn good acting skills!
Poop on Magic Mike. Poop on his furniture store and his completely unbelievable romance with Pettyfer’s sister in the movie. Poop on their greasy torsos & all their humping around. Poop on the naked boobs in this movie because, duh, those who would be into boobs were NOT watching this movie. Poop on McConaughey’s decision to be in this. Poop on Steven Soderbergh. Poop on Coyote Ugly With Cock!
My Rating: 5/10 or One Strategically Placed Top Hot
(Okay – a five is probably the equivalent of Two Top Hats by Eric’s rating system but the joke doesn’t work with two. Oh look -Neil Patrick Harris!)
Why, what do we have here…. ?
You didn’t seriously think I’d leave The IPC without throwing in some photos of The Hems, did you?? 😉
Now, as “Me so horny” after those Hems photos, I’m going to whore my own blog on here. Because Eric is gone so I CAN! Bwahaha! Most of you know that I’ve been posting loads of great guest reviews for my IMDB Top 250 Challenge. Well, I finally got up off my lazy butt & wrote a review of my own for it yesterday (well, I wrote it sitting down so I guess I didn’t get “up off my lazy butt”). But anyway – if you truly love me long time, you can go check out my review of Full Metal Jacket HERE. (I like how I linked to, like, four of my reviews in this post. That’s pretty cheeky. Ohhh… Now I’m thinking of Chris Hemsworth’s lovely bum again). 🙂
Hey, leave us male strippers alone! It’s a noble profession!
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Totally!
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I thought you were a professional wanker….?
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Being a wanker is a hobby.
It helps with the stripping, actually. People pay extra for a Strip N’ Wank.
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Should I try it at this airport I am stuck in?
BTW – your post is fucking hilarious.
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Thank you. I look forward to it coming out.
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Are you going to post a video of this, Luke??? : )
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Err…. A stripping video. Not a video of that other thing!
#NastyBoys
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Haha. Classic case of replying before you looked.
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I should know to be especially careful of that when at The IPC!!!! ; )
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“This was Coyote Ugly With Cock.” – I love this hahahaha!
That strip club story? Just made my afternoon!
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JB!!!
I didn’t know YOU were a perv too…..!!!
#shocked
#whereisthepurity
#unchaste
Love,
PSC
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Zoe is sweet & innocent! Stop corrupting her!!! ; )
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I’m not so sure after today….
#shocker
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My End-of-Vacation-and-Depressed Chop,
I have NO idea what you are talking about!!!!
#innocence
Love,
JB
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I’m glad my disgust at those sweaty men humping around my face made your afternoon! ; )
And, btw, thanks for helping me out with my blogging issues. Lol. #isuck ; )
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Your description! LOL! Sanitising and all!
🙂 It is always my pleasure!
#noyoudont
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Awesome job, T9! I watched this movie last summer because I kind of felt like I had to. So many people were talking about it so I had to know. It’s fucking terrible. Although, I don’t hate Joe Mangaaiennillo… can’t spell his last name. That guy, you know him. He’s hot.
Also! I’m officially 1 month away from a huge bachelorette partaaay that my friends are throwing for me. And it’s a total secret, they won’t let me know the details until the day of. There will probably be male strippers and it will probably be the wildest time of my life. I can’t wait! And I can’t wait to tell you guys all about it, especially the gory stripper details.
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Dear Smash,
Post plenty of pics, but not of dongs.
THX,
MGMT
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hahahahahaa! That’s a reasonable request. I think I can honour it.
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Great!!
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Ohhh – you have GOT to post pictures from this crazy bachelorette party, Smash! And don’t listen to Eric – feel free to include dongs. : ) Oh – I don’t know this Joe guy – one of the other strippers, I guess! They really didn’t give those other guys much to do… Stupid movie!
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I agree with Zoe, that was the best line!! LOL
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Gross!!
Pervs!!
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Coyote Ugly With Cock? Lol. I’m proud of that one… ; )
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As well you should be LMAO
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More like ‘Cock-scrotey Ugly’. Boom!
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Ha! Good one, dude. Good one. ; )
#MaleAnatomyJokesRule
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I can keep going (with my wiener)
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That one was a little weak. Try harder…
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thanks for saving me from watching this Mutant!
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Were you going to watch this to begin with??
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You’re welcome, Rob! Lol – like Eric said – were you GOING to watch it?! ; )
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Poor Eric’s site haha! This movie is really WTF, I have to agree with you. No amount of sexy man could save this. But thanks for the CHs pics – they made my day! 😀
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Over the last two weeks I have discovered that chicks are much more openly pervy than dudes…..
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This is true 😀 I think it is high time!
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hahaha!!
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You’re welcome, Natasha! I knew you’d appreciate those Hems pics. ; ) And, Eric – you’re WAY more openly pervy than any of us girls! ; )
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Any pic of him is welcome all times of day! hahahaha!
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WHAT??
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THIS IS WHAT I GET TO LOOK AT WHILE I AM TRAPPED IN A MEXICAN AIRPORT???? THIS????? THIS????!?!?!?!?!?!?
SMUT!!!!!!
THANK YOU MUTANT DISCO!!! YOU’RE THE BEST WANKER AROUND!!!
#smut
#tosser
#perv
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You know you love it. ; )
You’re welcome, dude! Thanks for trusting me with the keys to your (pervy boob-filled) kingdom! ; ) It was fun writing about this shitty movie & being slightly naughtier than I would be on my own blog. More fun to taint yours! :-p
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YOU’RE A TAINT!!!
: )
Finally boarding this god damn plane!!
Wish me luck!!
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Safe travels! : )
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Thanks!!
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This comment had me laughing so much.
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HAHAHAHA!! I had to go look that one up – I forgot about being trapped in that airport for eight hours….. LOLOLOL
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I haven’t seen the film ( and don’t plan on seeing it) but I did have an interesting discussion about it with Zoe which was funny.
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I bet! JB’s a funny little rascal : )
Thank you for looking at this old post! I doubt I’ll ever see this either – it’s not really a big draw for me…
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You should check out her review of it, really good and the comment section is great.
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The one she did last week? OK – I’ve got to go to a meeting in three minutes and then I’ll give it a look again : )
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The comment section was so funny.
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That was pretty funny! So – you’re a stripper???
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Who’s a stripper?!?
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YOU’RE A STRIPPER!!!!!!!
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HA! Never in a million years… 😉
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BRITISH LIES!!!!!
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I’m American!!! 😉
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TURNCOAT!!!!!!
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No I’m not a stripper, but it was funny having banter in the comments. Saying that if blogging didn’t work out it could be a lucrative career move.
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Go for it, my brother!
#strippers
I don’t think The Sex would sell with me because I’m old and would break a hip gyrating and grinding….
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Thanks for the encouragement, I would need a decent stage name though.
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How about: The Satrap of Sex?? That’s an old word that I haven’t used in 20 years…
#satraps
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Sounds interesting, just need to perfect a routine now.
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If there’s anyone in the world that has no rhythm and no dance game, it’s this guy…
#nohelp
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I think for the time being, I’ll stick to blogging. Though that leather thong someone bought me as a joking Christmas present could come in handy in the future if I ever decided on a career change. Now I’m tired and sleep is calling me.
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Sleep tight! don’t let that thong bite!
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Hopefully it won’t, can’t have it damaging my valuable assets.
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Hehe… I like that I must have a really high number of comments on my review now!!! 😉
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Glad me and my wild imagination could be of use.
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Or: The Satrap of Sin!
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Just out of curiousity, what is a satrap?
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It’s a title I learned in a Humanities class 30 years ago – it’s an old Persian title for “Lord” or “Chief”
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Well that sounds like a great title to hold.
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Satrap of Swing??
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Well that more than perfectly describes me( I wish).
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HA HA!!!
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Not that I have a high opinion of myself or anything.
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LOL – believe in yourself, my child!
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Thanks for the words of encouragement. I don’t think I’ll ever look like a movie star, but at least if my blogging career isn’t productive I can be the Satrap of Sin.
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Silver Linings!!
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The way I look at it, life is filled with silver linings somewhere.
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Good perspective!
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Hi Ho!
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HI Ho???
#guvnor
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Silver Lining!
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What the fuck’s going on here???
#britishbastards
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Hiiiiii hoooooo Silver Lining!!!!! #itsasongdude ; )
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You KNOW I haven’t listened to anything since 1979.
#toadies
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It’s from 1967. Hehehe!
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Well – I listened to music from 1971 – 1979 and that’s it.
NYAH NYAH NYAH
#tosser
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You’re missing out on loads of good music, dude! #disconut
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Like Blondie and Madonna??
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Lol! THAT’S all you could think of?! ; )
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Men Without Hats!!!
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We can dance if we want to!
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DOO DOO DO DA DOO DOO DA DOO DOO DOO!
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That sounds more like The Police!
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The WHAT?????? : )
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STING!
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WHAT?? What are you, a bee????
#bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Buzz Lightyear!!!!
#toinfinityandbeyond
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Buzz Lightyear??? Is that some sort of weird British sex act???
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You need to watch more kids movies, man….
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So…. No?
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Nope!
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Rats!
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Hey! How excited are you about the Peanuts movie? I can’t wait for that to come out!!!!!!!
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VERY excited! I’ll have to be very choosy about when I see it. I don’t want to have a nervous breakdown because of 1000 screaming kids….
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Hehehe. That would be hilarious….
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I told you about the time I went to the baby shower?
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Hmm. Not sure…. I think so….
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Our hippie handyman knocked up his hippie wife so I got conned into going to their babyshower by my friend. I figured it would just be four or five of us and when I got there there were dozens of old women clacking all over the place and little kids running around bumping into me and then someone made me hold a baby and then, when my head was about to pop off, SOMEONE STARTED PLAYING THE PIANO AND SINGING.
I literally almost died.
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HA! Okay – you did tell me about that. I’d LOVE to have seen you in that situation!!!!! ; )
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it was AWFUL…..
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It was good for ya! ; p
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Never again!
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(How many comments on the post now?!) lol ; )
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(168)
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169!!!!! (Dudes!)
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I can’t wait for you to see It Follows, btw….
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I can’t wait either – I think it looks fantastico : )
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Gordon Sumner!!!!
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huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?
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Sting, dude! Sting! #dontstandsoclosetome
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I thought you wanted to hold my hand and roller skate???
#mixedmessages
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Lol. #mixedmessageinabottle
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#teacherspet
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I thought he was mega hot in that video….
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Perv….
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Baron von Sexhausen? Penishausen?
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Ha ha, I think these two names are a bit too dodgy. Sound more like porn star names than a stripper.
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OK – well, I’ll keep at my thinking cap on : )
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Thanks man, keep on thinking.
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Will do!
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If you have any suggestions, you know where to find me.
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I’ll keep thinking!
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Ooo…I have a question?! Can the shirtless photos of McConaughey be for me as well? Or just for Eric?
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We might have to submission wrestle for it….
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Come on, Eric – don’t be greedy. Share MM with Joseph! You can enjoy the MM photos all you want, Joseph! ; )
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HAHAHA OMG that was awesome. I actually have a love/hate relationship with this movie. You know I am a huge perv and I love me a hot man, but still I am not a complete fan. In actuality, I agree this movie is seriously dumb, stupid plot, slow driving, hate Pettyfer’s sister in the film (so ugly and weird), Matt M looks unlike himself and honestly that stupid furniture idea is just lame. Now whenever I watch this because I have it saved on my DVR for moments when I am bored, I fast forward and watch all the strip scenes. HAHAHA. It seriously makes me crack up and I actually think Channing, Pettyfer, the wolf guy from True Blood and Matt Bomer are super cute. Ok that was a mixed bag comment sorry! Thank you for the shirtless, pantless Hemsworth shots. Totally making my Friday right now.
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Lol! Thanks Melissa! Although are you sure you want to admit just HOW often you watch this? Over and over and over? ; ) I wonder if I’d feel differently about this film if Chris Hemsworth was in it? Hmm… NAH! I’d be too annoyed he was in such a bad movie. I’m having a hard time forgiving him for the Red Dawn remake. ; )
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HAHAHAHA! I have no shame girl, I like when Channing dances to that pony song. Can you imagine him in this movie?! Omg! but then that would just be a low point for him. I never saw the Red Dawn remake. I liked him in Rush… ugh drool worthy.
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Ugh is right – he’s SO freaking gorgeous in Rush! Know what’s funny? I typed that wrong & it said Tush. Lol! Anyway, Rush was awesome. Red Dawn is NOT. Avoid! He’s very cute in The Cabin In The Woods as well. : )
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Yes we luvs him long time oh yeah! Do you like his brother?
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Liam? Not so much. I think it’s especially as he’s touched Miley Cyrus… *shudder*
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Yes I know right! He is adorable but I always think that too like what is wrong with this kid for having dated her. Something ain’t right!
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OMG. I just laughed. So. Much. Brilliant, Mutant. Your review is five million times better than this movie. And that strip club story!!! I am still dying. Well done, madam. Well done. 😀
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I’ve never seen this film. But now I think I probably should!
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OH and I’ve never seen a male stripper in real life before, but I have seen a lady one, and I can confirm that the general sense of “I need to sanitise everything I own” is a common experience when confronted with both genders!
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I think it’s funny that most wives or girlfriends think that when their dudes go to strips bars they’re going to get blow jobs or get laid. I have never in my life been turned on by a skanky stripper.
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Totally, if more chicks went to strip clubs once in their life then they would see there’s nothing to worry about. Plus those strippers see a million men a day, as if they could ever realistically seduce their clients, that would be a total waste of time!
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I’d want SO many sanitizing hand wipes with me if I ever went to a female strip club! ; )
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The male stripper thing is so weird. I’ve been a few times, mostly when I was younger and I’ve always found it hilarious. I once got called out on my birthday and the poor guy was trying to be all sexy and I was literally pointing and laughing.
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LOL Abbi!!
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Nicely done, Mutant. I haven’t seen Magic Mike. Now I don’t want to. 🙂
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Lol. Were you planning on watching it in the first place?? ; )
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Maybe. Only because it’s Soderberg.
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Funny review, had a discussion earlier with Zoe about the movie.
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What’s going on here?!?!? 🙂
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Just saying how your review was really good and made me chuckle.
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Aww. Thanks! 🙂 I had a lot of fun writing this one. Should’ve been my Shitfest entry! Lol 😉
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With regards to mine and Zoe’s discussion it can be found on her review of the film.
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With regards to the #British bastards comment, The Satrap of Sin is one of the finest examples of British beef around( in my dreams). hahaha
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Thought I’d add another comment, just for the sake of it. #Satrap approves.
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