Isaacs Picture Conclusions

MAGIC MIKE (2012) ONE STRATEGICALLY PLACED TOP HAT

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Magic Mike (2012)

Directed by Steven Soderbergh

Starring:
Channing Tatum
Alex Pettyfer
Cody Horn
Matt Bomer
Olivia Munn
Joe Manganiello
Matthew McConaughey

Running time: 110 minutes

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The plot revolves around Adam, a 19-year-old who enters the world of male stripping, guided by Mike Lane, who has been in the business for six years. The film is loosely based on the experiences of Channing Tatum, who was an 18-year-old stripper in Tampa, Florida.

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A Word Before The Review:

Hello everyone! It’s Table9Mutant, Disco Girl, Mutant Parrot, Cinema Parrot Disco, Mutey, or whatever else you want to call me. This is the final day Eric’s blog will be taken over by four lovely ladies before He Who Is Most Unclean is released from the Pit of Despair & allowed to once again post about godawful horror movies filled with boobs & blood.

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So, in at least keeping in the spirit of things here at The IPC (Home Of Shitfest), I’ve decided to review Magic Mike for you today. Indeed, it is a pile of shit. But instead of the usual naked boobs at The IPC, we get to look at half naked men and treat them like pieces of meat. Again. (Have a look at when Zoe took over The IPC HERE if you want to further drool over some sexy beefcake).

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Besides – we all know by now that Eric has a big ‘ol man crush on Matthew McConaughey so I’m sure he won’t mind coming back to all the shirtless photos of him. Those are JUST FOR YOU, Eric! Enjoy! 😉

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My Opinion On Magic Mike:

What the fuck was this shit? This was a Steven Soderbergh movie? SERIOUSLY?? You know what this was? This was Coyote Ugly With Cock. Except Magic Mike made Coyote Ugly feel Oscar-worthy. What was the point of the whole thing? That, past a certain age, maybe you should think about giving up your male stripper career & get a real job? As in… You should stop dancing like a slut on the tops of bars & get a “real” career like writing music (yeah – that was the Coyote Ugly “plot” except, in Magic Mike, his dream is to make furniture instead of write music. I think. I lost interest after ten minutes).

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And you know what? You all know I have a bit of a thing for a certain Chris Hemsworth and use every opportunity possible to post photos of him, with or without clothes. But, believe it or not, I hate the male stripper thing. It’s stupid and degrading and they just look like idiots all greased up and humping around (shit – isn’t that a Bobby Brown song?). I went to see some male strippers once in my early 20s. It was gross. They were all sweaty and thrusting their bits too close to my face and the stupid girls I went with were all like “Woohoo!” and shoving money down their g-strings. I figured I better do it at least once so I took a dollar bill and gingerly tucked it in the side of the least-sweaty-looking dude’s g-string and then went & sanitized the fuck out of my hand. Okay – I didn’t quite do the last bit. But I wanted to. Nasty. So, no thanks! I can live without ever seeing a male stripper again. (Unless it’s Chris Hemsworth. He can grease himself up and get all sweaty and start humping around me as much as he likes. I’ll give HIM some dollar bills! *wink wink nudge nudge*). 😉

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Um. Where was I? I think I got a little off track there. Oh – Magic Mike! So we’ve established that male strippers do nothing for me. Unfortunately, not one actor in this does anything for me either. I know chicks seem to dig Channing Tatum but I just do NOT see the attraction there. Sorry. I’ve never found Matthew McConaughey the slightest bit attractive either and, since finally seeing him in some great roles recently such as in Mud, Dallas Buyers Club & The Wolf Of Wall Street, it was a big disappointment seeing him waste his time in this piece of crap. I guess the best looking one was Alex Pettyfer but he’s a little too “clean cut” for me plus his character was a bit of a moron, which is my biggest turnoff. But, hey – I know plenty of women will find one or maybe even all of them sexy so I’m happily including as many photos of them as I can. You’re welcome, ladies. And Eric. 😉

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So, anyway, the “plot” here is that Channing Tatum is an aging male stripper (30, I think) who dreams of opening up his own furniture store. Meanwhile, he takes the sweet & innocent but dumb & useless Alex Pettyfer under his wing after introducing him to the world of stripping. Pettyfer is then seduced by the seedier side of his new lifestyle & turns into an even more useless wanker than he was before stripping. Umm… Spoiler there I guess. If you care. But… What was the point? I guess it’s that Tatum is growing up & becoming a more responsible adult while Pettyfer is going in the opposite direction. Whatever. Who cares. I’m not really sure if we’re meant to feel sympathy for them or something but the movie certainly doesn’t try very hard to give these characters any depth. And if they’re going to focus on Tatum becoming “too old” for the stripper thing, surely they could have had some wise words for him coming from Matthew McConaughey or something as HE’S the one who’s clearly FAR too old to be stripping (sorry Matt – I’m old too. But I’m not planning on stripping. Lol. *shudder*). But… No. Nothing from McConaughey’s character. He’s just an old fart who takes his clothes off. What a waste of a guy who’s proven he has some pretty damn good acting skills!

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Poop on Magic Mike. Poop on his furniture store and his completely unbelievable romance with Pettyfer’s sister in the movie. Poop on their greasy torsos & all their humping around. Poop on the naked boobs in this movie because, duh, those who would be into boobs were NOT watching this movie. Poop on McConaughey’s decision to be in this. Poop on Steven Soderbergh. Poop on Coyote Ugly With Cock!

My Rating: 5/10 or One Strategically Placed Top Hot

(Okay – a five is probably the equivalent of Two Top Hats by Eric’s rating system but the joke doesn’t work with two. Oh look -Neil Patrick Harris!)

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Why, what do we have here…. ?

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You didn’t seriously think I’d leave The IPC without throwing in some photos of The Hems, did you?? 😉

Now, as “Me so horny” after those Hems photos, I’m going to whore my own blog on here. Because Eric is gone so I CAN! Bwahaha! Most of you know that I’ve been posting loads of great guest reviews for my IMDB Top 250 Challenge. Well, I finally got up off my lazy butt & wrote a review of my own for it yesterday (well, I wrote it sitting down so I guess I didn’t get “up off my lazy butt”). But anyway – if you truly love me long time, you can go check out my review of Full Metal Jacket HERE. (I like how I linked to, like, four of my reviews in this post. That’s pretty cheeky. Ohhh… Now I’m thinking of Chris Hemsworth’s lovely bum again). 🙂

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171 comments

  3. Pingback: Magic Mike (2012) Review | Cinema Parrot Disco

  4. Smash

    Awesome job, T9! I watched this movie last summer because I kind of felt like I had to. So many people were talking about it so I had to know. It’s fucking terrible. Although, I don’t hate Joe Mangaaiennillo… can’t spell his last name. That guy, you know him. He’s hot.

    Also! I’m officially 1 month away from a huge bachelorette partaaay that my friends are throwing for me. And it’s a total secret, they won’t let me know the details until the day of. There will probably be male strippers and it will probably be the wildest time of my life. I can’t wait! And I can’t wait to tell you guys all about it, especially the gory stripper details.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  9. theipc

    THIS IS WHAT I GET TO LOOK AT WHILE I AM TRAPPED IN A MEXICAN AIRPORT???? THIS????? THIS????!?!?!?!?!?!?

    SMUT!!!!!!

    THANK YOU MUTANT DISCO!!! YOU’RE THE BEST WANKER AROUND!!!

    #smut

    #tosser

    #perv

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  11. snapcracklewatch

    HAHAHA OMG that was awesome. I actually have a love/hate relationship with this movie. You know I am a huge perv and I love me a hot man, but still I am not a complete fan. In actuality, I agree this movie is seriously dumb, stupid plot, slow driving, hate Pettyfer’s sister in the film (so ugly and weird), Matt M looks unlike himself and honestly that stupid furniture idea is just lame. Now whenever I watch this because I have it saved on my DVR for moments when I am bored, I fast forward and watch all the strip scenes. HAHAHA. It seriously makes me crack up and I actually think Channing, Pettyfer, the wolf guy from True Blood and Matt Bomer are super cute. Ok that was a mixed bag comment sorry! Thank you for the shirtless, pantless Hemsworth shots. Totally making my Friday right now.

    Like

    Reply
    • table9mutant

      Lol! Thanks Melissa! Although are you sure you want to admit just HOW often you watch this? Over and over and over? ; ) I wonder if I’d feel differently about this film if Chris Hemsworth was in it? Hmm… NAH! I’d be too annoyed he was in such a bad movie. I’m having a hard time forgiving him for the Red Dawn remake. ; )

      Like

      Reply
    • Anna (Film Grimoire)

      OH and I’ve never seen a male stripper in real life before, but I have seen a lady one, and I can confirm that the general sense of “I need to sanitise everything I own” is a common experience when confronted with both genders!

      Like

      Reply
      • theipc

        I think it’s funny that most wives or girlfriends think that when their dudes go to strips bars they’re going to get blow jobs or get laid. I have never in my life been turned on by a skanky stripper.

        Like

      • Anna (Film Grimoire)

        Totally, if more chicks went to strip clubs once in their life then they would see there’s nothing to worry about. Plus those strippers see a million men a day, as if they could ever realistically seduce their clients, that would be a total waste of time!

        Like

  14. Abbi

    The male stripper thing is so weird. I’ve been a few times, mostly when I was younger and I’ve always found it hilarious. I once got called out on my birthday and the poor guy was trying to be all sexy and I was literally pointing and laughing.

    Like

    Reply

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