Hey everyone. Some of you may know me as Luke Abbott, others as the Great Oracle of Film, others as the twat who thinks he can write movie reviews. Most of you as the guy who drank Amaretto on camera for his birthday… yeah, that guy. Well, seeing as I have the reins of the IPC for the day, I felt that I would give the people what they want. You readers seem to love those articles where all of cinema’s hotties are compiled for your perusing. And bedtime reading, if you get my meaning. Well, I decided to get in on the action and give you some of the hottest pictures of those steamy trees we see on the big screen. You can thank me in the comments.
Before, we begin, I understand that some of you readers aren’t into trees. Yes, I understand that some of you would much rather read an article, full of pictures of rivers, so I will include a quick picture of a dinosaur being caught unawares in a river. See, I do think of the wider audience.
And now onto the proper trees. In all of their glory.
10 – POCAHONTAS
One for the older readers here. There is something very sensual about the wisdom of this tree. Something very motherly. I think we all, as kids, decided she was an utter MILF.
9 – THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
There’s nothing better than a happy ending and this little minx from the Shawshank Redemption will definitely give you one. I bet she saps just thinking about it.
8 – TRANSFORMERS
Sorry about this one. There’s a hot girl in the way of the tree in question, but take it from me, her bark is definitely as bad as her bite.
7 – THE TWO TOWERS
Again, Treebeard isn’t the most obvious choice, but he works for it, when he wants to. Slow, boring, but a freak on the field.
6 – THE CONJURING
There is something very dark and mysterious about the tree in the Conjuring, but let’s be honest, ladies, we all love a bad tree, don’t we? Also, according to this photo, he is into his swingi… no, that joke is too dark for even me. Moving on…
5 – PAN’S LABYRINTH
OK, The Dead Tree isn’t much to look at now, but let’s just reflect on what a stunner this tree was in her hey-day. Say what you want about her, but she will almost definitely give you wood.
4 – AVATAR
OK, I had to put the Tree of Souls in here, because a lot of men go crazy about her, but I never saw the attraction. It’s too artificial for me; there’s too much make-up here. I mean… fake, much, gurl! Also, looking at the cast of Avatar, there is a serious case of blue balls going around. Nice to look at, but don’t go barking up the wrong tree.
3 – THE RETURN OF THE JEDI
There is something very safe about the trees in Return of the Jedi. They protected the Rebels in their time of need and are very reliable. A lot of the trees on this list are phwoooar, but these are the trees I would take home at the end of the day. They didn’t judge Luke and Leia after their awkward experimental phase; they just want to help those in need.
2 – HARRY POTTER
At first, I didn’t want to put the Whomping Willow on this list. I never saw the attraction. He is violent, abusive and a lawsuit waiting to happen. Adul-‘tree’ and all that. But my friends asked me to look past all of that and look at the inner tree. And that’s when I saw it. The Whomping Willow cares. It protects your secrets in its heart. It will look out for you, when your enemies are after you. How can you not fall for a tree like that?
However, I think we can all agree there is only one winner. And that is:
1 – KATY PERRY
Brilliant post, I never really thought about trees in film, I have however, thought about Katy Perry (y)
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I think about Katy Perry quite frequently….
#delicious
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I was giggling through the first few entries. Then I got to the Conjuring tree and laughed my and off! You’re a sick bastard Luke!
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At that point, I was writing my stream of consciousness as it happened and I scared myself lol.
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WHO is????
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Is that first river picture from the Jurassic Park ride in Universal Studios?
I love this post. Stupid, sexy trees.
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Yep. I saw that Dino gasp and it had to go in somewhere haha.
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V!! You like trees, eh??
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At first I was hesitant to speak of my forbidden love of the tree. But now, Luke has given me the confidence I need to admit to myself, and the world, that yes, I like trees. ❤
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I never used to like trees, but I needed to ‘branch’ out with my sex life. See what ‘sticks’.
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Haha fantastic post 😀
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From a bizarre man indeed…
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Lotta junk in that trunk!
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Why do you constantly insult me?
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I’m jealous of your lifestyle.
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And my legendary testicles…
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More like mythical testicles. No one is 100% sure they exist…
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Do you need proof?
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No. I’m good. Please don’t do an article about the Top Ten Eric Ball Shots.
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Sounds good, I like taking requests!! I’ll get started on some close ups…
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LOL no wonder you just freaked yourself out. Adult-TREE? Hahahaha.
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My Dearest SB,
Strange post from a strange mind. Perfect for this site, yes?
Love,
Chop
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PSC,
Naturally, there would be no other way!
JB
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Um. Luke, I don’t know if you know this . . . but, well, Katy Perry’s not a tree. 🙂
Oh and that tree from The Conjuring is the hands down winner. Easily.
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Katy Perry? Not a tree? Look, I don’t understand this biology and anatomy stuff, so don’t go confusing me…
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🙂
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Katy Perry is yummy….
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A tree fetish? Well I be damned so if see some treehugger it might be you 😉 but pans labyrinth tree does kick bark…
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Table9Mutant here once again unable to login & comment on blogs.
Luke! Great post. Love it. I expected a joke about wood but not Adul-‘tree’. Lol! Weirdo. ; )
And what about the tree from The Guardian (1990)? Hmm?!?!?! Oh wait – maybe I was the only one to ever see that godawful movie….
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What the fuck is The Guardian??
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WTF? The King of Shitty Horror hasn’t even seen it?!?!?
I’m awesome. ; )
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HaHaHa!
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You’re going to watch it now, right? ; )
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Lol I’m looking it up 🙂 imdb sucks at work lately so I’m using Wikipedia…
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Well then you’ll know the whole film! Spoiler: it has to do with a tree.
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I’ve seen that!!!!!
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Haha! Shit, wasn’t it?
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I saw that when I still lived with my mom!
It was terrible shit!
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I saw it when I was in my “I’ll watch any shit on late at night on the Sci-Fi channel” phase.
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Let’s forget we’ve ever seen it…
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Well… I kind of liked it. I think? :-p
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You should re watch it again and let me know O_x
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Adul-tree hahaha. Great post
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Clever 🙂
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Please don’t ever leaf me alone with that conjuring tree. It’s a little too intense for me….
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Bada-boosh.
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Great job Luke you always crack me up and I will always think of you as the guy who drank a shit load of Amaretto on his bday. Gosh these trees are so sexy, I am getting hot and bothered just thinking of them. lol I am all about that Avatar tree that sexy beast.
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I’ve got a video coming up you might like. It’s not a drinking one, but it is the same style of humour.
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NICE can’t wait to see it.
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Holy mother of Jesus, I can’t believe I missed this and am just reading it now. This is hilarious. But the tree from Avatar was totally robbed, should be higher on the list. I’d also like to put in a vote for the tree from The Tree of Life by Terrence Malick!
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I wish I posted this a week later, because the GOT tree in the final episode would have definitely made it.
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Now that was one handsome tree.
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Catch up begins…NOW!!! Luke, this is one of the weirdest things I have ever seen, and it is glorious. Well done. However, I can’t say that I’ve ever encountered a Katy Perry tree…Do I even want to know what grows on that?
#filth
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AHAH! Loved this! Maybe you’d be interested in contributing this and your other fun features to Moviepilot.com? Shoot me an email, jazmina@moviepilot.com. Hope to hear from you! I think our audience will really dig your humorous approach.
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Glorious! There’s simply no other word for it. For the post, not the no. 1. Well… maybe for the no. 1 too.
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Woke up this morning and had to go back and read this. Haha, so much fun making this.
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