Hey everyone. Some of you may know me as Luke Abbott, others as the Great Oracle of Film, others as the twat who thinks he can write movie reviews. Most of you as the guy who drank Amaretto on camera for his birthday… yeah, that guy. Well, seeing as I have the reins of the IPC for the day, I felt that I would give the people what they want. You readers seem to love those articles where all of cinema’s hotties are compiled for your perusing. And bedtime reading, if you get my meaning. Well, I decided to get in on the action and give you some of the hottest pictures of those steamy trees we see on the big screen. You can thank me in the comments.
Before, we begin, I understand that some of you readers aren’t into trees. Yes, I understand that some of you would much rather read an article, full of pictures of rivers, so I will include a quick picture of a dinosaur being caught unawares in a river. See, I do think of the wider audience.
And now onto the proper trees. In all of their glory.
10 – POCAHONTAS
One for the older readers here. There is something very sensual about the wisdom of this tree. Something very motherly. I think we all, as kids, decided she was an utter MILF.
9 – THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
There’s nothing better than a happy ending and this little minx from the Shawshank Redemption will definitely give you one. I bet she saps just thinking about it.
8 – TRANSFORMERS
Sorry about this one. There’s a hot girl in the way of the tree in question, but take it from me, her bark is definitely as bad as her bite.
7 – THE TWO TOWERS
Again, Treebeard isn’t the most obvious choice, but he works for it, when he wants to. Slow, boring, but a freak on the field.
6 – THE CONJURING
There is something very dark and mysterious about the tree in the Conjuring, but let’s be honest, ladies, we all love a bad tree, don’t we? Also, according to this photo, he is into his swingi… no, that joke is too dark for even me. Moving on…
5 – PAN’S LABYRINTH
OK, The Dead Tree isn’t much to look at now, but let’s just reflect on what a stunner this tree was in her hey-day. Say what you want about her, but she will almost definitely give you wood.
4 – AVATAR
OK, I had to put the Tree of Souls in here, because a lot of men go crazy about her, but I never saw the attraction. It’s too artificial for me; there’s too much make-up here. I mean… fake, much, gurl! Also, looking at the cast of Avatar, there is a serious case of blue balls going around. Nice to look at, but don’t go barking up the wrong tree.
3 – THE RETURN OF THE JEDI
There is something very safe about the trees in Return of the Jedi. They protected the Rebels in their time of need and are very reliable. A lot of the trees on this list are phwoooar, but these are the trees I would take home at the end of the day. They didn’t judge Luke and Leia after their awkward experimental phase; they just want to help those in need.
2 – HARRY POTTER
At first, I didn’t want to put the Whomping Willow on this list. I never saw the attraction. He is violent, abusive and a lawsuit waiting to happen. Adul-‘tree’ and all that. But my friends asked me to look past all of that and look at the inner tree. And that’s when I saw it. The Whomping Willow cares. It protects your secrets in its heart. It will look out for you, when your enemies are after you. How can you not fall for a tree like that?
However, I think we can all agree there is only one winner. And that is:
1 – KATY PERRY