Isaacs Picture Conclusions

ROCKY 5 (1990) TWO TOP HATS

rockyv1

I don’t HATE this movie. I don’t. But there are some things about it that I fucking hate. Do I hate the story? Nope. It’s cliched and anyone can tell it’s a real fucking REACH to try and milk something out of the franchise (which I hope isn’t what’s going to happen with CREED). I get it. I do – but… it just doesn’t work for me at all. Rocky was supposed to be an inspiration for the little guy – the guy that never got a chance and when he did, he proved himself – he beat all of the odds and went the distance when no one thought he could. This one was just… not necessary… Let’s see what we’ve got..rockyv2

Starting directly after the big fight with Drago, where he about got his brains beat out but was still able to unite two warring countries through boxing; remember his big “Tear down that wall, Mr Gorbachev!! Yo, tear it down!!” speech after he knocked down Drago? Such an inspiration for the collapse of the USSR. Wait… you don’t? What? Were you loaded? HMMMM. Oh well, after the fight, we get to see some Rocky butt while he showers (notice: the only nudity in any of these aside from that bootleg copy Brian made on his Video Recorder where he’s getting a Handy from ________ in a filthy New Jersey Cinematheque) (There’s still a few copies circulating in Mexico – i was just there and you can get one sticky VHS box for 29 Pesos). Anyway, Rocky’s taking a shower and he gets the shaky hands and he calls in Adrian and her Pantsuit and he tells her he’s never felt like this and he’s scared and he thinks he needs to throw in the towel and all of that shit and they head home to The States.

I understand the emotional intention proposed in this scene but it really never worked for me – I saw this in theater back in ’90 – I think with Scrotey – I didn’t like it then and I didn’t like it now. Like I said – I get it – I get the story arc – this is what happens to a guy who gets punched in the face for a living – but… WAY too much fucking melodrama…rockyv9

When they get home they find out that Paulie gave Power of Attorney to some lawyer and they lost all of their money and their gigantic mansion and, I presume, that fucking robot from the last one. It also turns out the Rock has brain damage so he can’t fight to get some more money so they decide to Estate Sale everything they own. I’m not familiar with sales like this but I would have thought that they could have made SOME money off of the sales of their millions of dollars of furniture and shit but they don’t – they end up moving back to “The Neighborhood” where they all met and…. I think they even move back into Adrian and Paulie’s old house – which I would have thought they sold for pennies when Rocky made millions and they all moved into a mansion. Did I miss something?rockyv3

On the last day of their residence there, where I think they wouldn’t be home in the first place, Rock is up in the attic rummaging through a trunk where he comes across his old Fedora, leather jacket, rubber ball and Adrian’s glasses from 1977. Again – I do understand what they screenwriters were going for here – sentimentality and a return to the way it use to be before it got all “Mr. T and Drago-y” but…. I’m sure people think I have a damaged brain but, aside from a few drunken concussions, I’ve never had brain damage – but… in the first one Rocky was a simple guy who just wanted to go the distance. In this one, he turns into a simpleton who just wants to magically pull coins from behind his kid’s ear and talk nonstop. He even reverts to smoking filtered cigarettes.rockyv8

Broken like a Frenchman who just ran out of genital perfume or, even better, broken like a Greek who just ran out of chest hair wax, he wanders the streets of Philadelphia kicking beer cans, pissing on hobos and shitting in trash cans. After drunkenly challenging a stinking Wino to a fistfight and murdering him in the streets, he comes across Mick’s old gym where he first started out. Turns out that’s his last worldly possession – as willed to his son – so he decides to take in wayward, down and out fighters and whip them into shape by making them carry piss buckets around.rockyv10

One afternoon, while walking with Paulie to meet Adrian who is working at the feed store again they come across this white guy from Oklahoma named Tommy Gunn. Tommy Gunn is a terrible actor but he has a mean, knock-you-out-mother-fucker punch so Balboa decides to become his trainer and keep livin’ that boxing dream. If you’re not familiar with this, he falls in love with Gunn – so much so that he kicks his own kid out of his own home and gives the kid’s room to Gunn, presumably so they can grease each other up at night and work on their jabs and sticks. “STICK AND JAB!! STICK AND JAB!!!”

Get it?

*crickets*

*crickets*

*tumbleweeds*

WTH

That quote’s from the first one…. 😦rockyv4

Oh well….tainted humor, I suppose. Well – Rocky gets Gunn all badassed up and he wins a bunch of fights by KO and then Hostetler from Deadwood comes around as a big fight promoter and promises Young Gunn a lot of money if he’ll sign with him so this ungrateful mother fucker ditches Rocky to go to someone more flashy and hot with a lot of fucking bling and off he goes into the wild blue yonder leaving his mentor and friend behind like the Piss Ant he is. rockyv5

Before too long he wins the Title Belt but the media laugh him off because he’s just “Rocky Lite” so he gets his nads in a knot and screams out of the press conference to confront Rocky at the local bar. Instead of getting naked and submission wrestling, he punches Paulie in the face which pisses Rocky off so they get in the fucking Octagon and go Nine Rounds of Death. While they might not actually get in an Octagon, they do go out back behind the bar, “Man Style” and do some Old School Alley Fightin’ complete with Fence Tossin’ and Dumpster Throwin’ and Stay Down Sucka Finger Pointin’ and Charge From The Back Screamin’ and then when it’s time for the big Rocky Come Back Win-Winnin’ they do a MISERABLE 90s synth shitcrap rendering of the Rocky theme that made this entire movie feel like a crappy New Kids On The Block Video and I felt like my hero had been shat upon. Hi Fresh Prince of Bel Air Rocky theme.
rockyv6

I mean, it’s absolutely AWFUL. I’m surprised they didn’t have Rocky turn his pants around and do some Kris Kross while he did The Running Man after he decked Gunn. Or even The Moonwalk.rockyv7Like I said, I “get” the movie but it doesn’t work for me, a lifelong Rocky guy. Gone are all traces of inspiration and hope. This is simply a rotten tit-milk of an attempt and I’ll never watch it again. BOOOOOOO. PISSSSSSSSS.

118 comments

    • garylee828

      “Rocky Balboa” was tons better than this. I think Sly made it mostly to make-up to fans how disappointing part 5 was. The final installment was the best of the franchise since part 2. Parts 3 & 4 were entertaining, but felt more like super-hero flicks than an authentic sports drama. “Rocky Balboa” brought the franchise back to reality and felt like a genuine and more true-to-life story, which I think fans of the series appreciated. I definitely did.

      Same goes for the “Rambo” series as Sly made a final installment to make up for the dreadful 3rd part.

      Like

      • theipc

        I agree with everything you say here, Gary. The next one is actually my second favorite of the whole franchise – same with the last Rambo movie…

        Like

      • garylee828

        Loved Rambo 4! It was a prime and simple tale of good vs. evil and God was using John Rambo’s hand as an instrument to take out evil and protect the innocent. The Christian missionaires learned that sometimes violence is necessary when trying to better the world, while I think Rambo learns a lesson about faith by observing the missionaries. Great way to wrap the franchise!

        Like

      • theipc

        Man, when gets up there on the gun and starts mowing down all of those bastard soldiers is one of my favorite scenes of all time!!

        Like

  1. garylee828

    I am confident that if “Creed” does get made, that it will be a great piece of cinema. Michael B. Jordan is a strong up-and-coming actor and great choice to play the grandson of Apollo. I think this idea only gets produced if the story is strong b/c I don’t think they waste their time w/ a mediocre script. I will be keeping up to see when and if it gets made, and if so will definitely be looking forward to watching at the theater.

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  2. No. There are not five of these Rocky things. No way.

    Oh my god – you mentioned New Kids On The Block & Fresh Prince & Kriss Kross all in the same post! I CAN’T TAKE IT!!!! Argh!!!! The 90s!!!!!!!!! URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like

  3. The “_______” was Talia Shire herself, but she insisted on wearing rawhide gloves. And it was wonderful.

    I never fucking understood how fucking PAULIE of all people had complete control over Rocky’s fucking money. Since when can your brother-in-law just sign over power of attorney to your money? It makes absolutely no god damn sense. But if somehow Rocky DID make fucking Paulie his fucking money manager, then Rocky deserved what he got. But like you said, he wouldn’t lose EVERYTHING. He’d get at least a couple million out of his estate sale. Plus, he’s one of the most popular boxers of all time. He’d have high-paying gigs doing commercials (now that he can read) and providing commentary for ESPN. What a dumb fucking plot.

    By the way, Tommy Morrison was not only a shitty boxer, but also John “The Duke” Wayne’s grandnephew.

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      • garylee828

        We need to fly out there and track down that file! Smash can be our tour guide and help us search for clues; in the meantime, she can take us to a Blue Jays game. 🙂

        Like

      • garylee828

        You and I can be like “The Hardy Boys” and the more Smash leads us places, I think we might become suspicious of her motives and intentions. Maybe she deleted Film Hipster’s Three’s Company templates and had him shipped to another country. Maybe she was jealous that SHE was not in an episode yet and she couldn’t stand the way everyone else was getting all the attention. Maybe she’s a rejected comedian and she couldn’t stand that your writing was getting more laughs than her stand-up act!

        The more I absorb this mystery:

        (like Matthew McConaughey on the “True Detective” trailer)

        “Something deep and dark, boys. Deep…and…dark.”

        (lol. I still haven’t watched TD. I need to get on that. I actually haven’t watched many movies/shows lately.)

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      • garylee828

        I will try to watch soon so we can discuss.

        *Also, I really think you’d like BBC series “Luther” w/ Idris Elba.

        Like

      • garylee828

        I know what you mean. I really do want to watch True Detective, but I’ve just been distracted. I also have not yet started Game of Thrones, so really have no idea if I would like it, but I hear a lot about it, so I want to give it a try, but like you said sometimes it’s hard to just find the time or motivation to watch something you’re not even sure if you’ll like.

        *PS: “Luther” is only 10 episodes (6 episodes season 1; 4 episodes season 2. so if you were to get into it, it wouldn’t be a long commitment like other shows).

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      • theipc

        Yep… I don’t review TV shows and it’s been a struggle to get shit written about movies so all my free time is devoted to film. Hopefully there’s a big turnout for shitfest so I can get caught up on things…

        Like

      • garylee828

        Geez, I need to hurry up and get my entry written. I don’t even know what movie I’m doing yet. I’d like to do “Skyfall” but then I know you’d be the only one to give me a vote since you seem to be the only other person i know who realizes that movie was just plain dumb.

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      • garylee828

        We’ll see. Hopefully most entries will be work appropriate so I can check these out during the day…

        Is today the day with non-appropriate material at the IPC? I saw Texas CM The Beginning was the title, but didn’t open it.

        Okay, I need to get my priorities in order and start brainstorming what movie to write about.

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      • garylee828

        lol. Well, I saw you gave TCM Beginning 2 hats. I’d probably give it a 6 out of 10, which I think is slightly higer than your rating. Was not a great movie, but was decent. For me it was a lot better than the remake w/ Jessica Biel, which I thought was disappointing and looked far too pretty and pleasant for what should have been dim and gritty like the original.

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      • garylee828

        Honestly, I can appreciate the first one and loved the gritty look, etc. but I wasn’t crazy about it, either. When I was a kid I thought “Leatherface” was pretty good, but not sure I’d like it much today. The remake was disappointing; The Beginning was okay; the 3D was a complete joke. So, I think I’m in agreement, I wasn’t crazy about them, either – even the original.

        Now, the original “Halloween” I loved! Halloween 2, as well, which is simply a continuation of part 1. Halloween 4&5 were decent, and then it was all downhill after that and I don’t think any of the new installments were any good.

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      • theipc

        As a huge fan of the Halloween movies – I agree with you 100%

        I thought Zombie’s first one was decent enough but the second one was complete garbage…

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      • garylee828

        Yes, exactly!! That’s why I sent you that link of the Dr. Wolfula movie review where he makes fun of Zombie’s Halloween 2.

        In Zombie’s defense, something happened with the production of Halloween 2 and everything was rushed; you can tell. It was terrible.

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      • garylee828

        I actually haven’t watched many movies lately, and surprisngly it’s been a while since I’ve seen anything particularly bad, and I can’t even think of anything off the top of my head to submit…

        So…

        I can’t believe I am doing this…

        And I may live to regret this…

        Scratch that! I WILL live to regret this…

        But it’s shitfest, after all…

        I will allow you (EI) to select any movie for me and I will watch for shitfest and write an entry! (*assuming I can access it online)

        I must be a true glutton for punishment! 🙂

        Like

      • garylee828

        NO!!! 🙂

        But you endured “Typhoid Mary” last time around, so fair is fair and it’s my turn to do a little suffering for the betterment of other movie watchers.

        And it will make for a fun submission.

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      • theipc

        OK – see if you can find any of these:

        Wicked Lake
        Gutterballs
        The Slaughterhouse Massacre

        Those are on my Most Unclean list but you might be able to have some fun with them. If you can’t find them I’ll offer up some more.

        Like

      • garylee828

        Okay, I will look them up at home later; are these the worst of your unclean list? I can order netflix instant if your selection is on there. (*the only thing I ask is to be spared of any films w/ excess nudity.)

        Like

      • garylee828

        If they have a little nudity is not a big deal, but I don’t want to look at a lot of it, particulary male; movies with excess nudity tend to focus on that and no kind of story; I expect my selection to at least imitate an attempt at a storyline.

        Just think about me and the kinds of films I love and the kind that I hate and you will know when you find “the one”. lol. What would be painful for me to watch? THAT is the question you must ask yourself in your quest to give me the shittiest movie available! Which film would make for an interesting write-up.

        Like for me, I can’t wait until you watch “Birdemic”! LOL. Imagine me making you watch that, and you wanting to get me back. THAT is the selection you want to give me. 🙂

        Like

      • garylee828

        “Wicked Lake” it is! (assuming I can find it). This must be one enormous atrocity if it’s the film you’re giving me. Should I read your review first – or go in cold? I’m actually kind of relieved you didn’t make me reap what I sowed and give me “Typhoid Mary”. lol.

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      • garylee828

        I found it online, so will be watching tonight or tomorrow. I pulled it up on IMDB to read the plot line and didn’t think it sounded THAT bad from the tagline. lol. But with a bad decision or two I could see how this one could quickly escalate into shitfest material.

        Like

    • garylee828

      Smash, I understand where you’re coming from, and if you know anything about my sentiments on film you know that I am huge on writing and strong execution of material. I’m the first one to poke fun of implausible developments and cliches, etc. But honestly, “Rocky Balboa” is very well-written and executed. I actually love “Rocky” and I thought “Rocky 2” was good, but I roll my eyes at parts 3 & 4 and some of the over-the-top silliness. But “Rocky Balboa” had none of that; it returned the franchise back to the same heart and essence of the original, which is why Sly so badly wanted to do it, even at his age, b/c he wanted to close the series the right way since part 5 was such a dud. Sly wasn’t going for a cash-grab or anything; he just wanted to fix the wrong of Rocky 5 and close out the series the right way. “Rambo 3” was also horrific, so in the same year he did a final “Rambo” film which was also very good b/c he wanted to end that series on the right note, as well.

      If you liked the original “Rocky” then you should definitely give “Rocky Balboa” a shot. Now, if you didn’t care for the original, then not much point in watching the final installment, but if you liked parts 1&2 but were later turned off by other installments, then the final part is for you.

      Like

  4. garylee828

    Damn it, I just started “Wicked Lake” and I feel like Anchorman when he jumped in the bear cave, “I regret this decision immediately!” LOL. Okay dude, you have to watch “Birdemic”. lol.

    I’m 7 minutes in and on my first intermission. I will likely have like 10 of these breaks and finish this in a week. lol.

    Like

      • garylee828

        I have like 30 minutes left in the movie. This movie is utter trash, but I’m not so sure I have much material for a shitfest submission. Nothing is really sticking out for me to write about other than the obvious things like bad acting and bad writing, etc. and I think this was intended to be partially comedy. Any other suggestions that may offer a little more material to write about for SF? (am I seriously asking for more punishment here? I must have low self-esteem. lol.)

        Like

  5. garylee828

    Okay, I finished the atrocity that is “Wicked Lake” last night; it was tough, but I kept the faith and the Lord pulled me through a dark time! You didn’t tell me that you and Brian were in the movie. I thought you guys were great as the gas station clerks – and then Scrotey was in the corner doing what he does best when the girls were paying at the counter. I think I loved the acting the most – or maybe it was the dialogue. I can’t decide which was better! Wait, or maybe it was Caleb’s pink puffy pirate shirt that he borrowed from you!

    Like

      • garylee828

        Uhhh…I honestly don’t know b/c I’m not feeling inspired to write anything about it. I need to get a submission entered within the next few days, though. I think I’d rather write about something a little better known and one that is intended to be good, but is terrible. Like “Skyfall” or Rob Zombie’s “Halloween 2”. If you have any suggestions, I’m open. I will give another one a watch – if you watch “Birdemic”. LOL. Birdemic is terrible, but it’s really fun to watch b/c of how horrid it is, which is why I hope it’s the next SF social selection. I think everyone would have a blast with it, laughing so hard. 🙂

        Like

      • garylee828

        I couldn’t do Halloween 2 justice. Dr. Wolfula’s video submission totally sums it up immaculately! You should give that a watch when you can; you could even watch on your phone as it doesn’t require a big screen to focus on. I am thinking “Skyfall” and although I may come across a lot of opposition on here it’s okay b/c you’d have my back. lol. The only problem writing about Skyfall would be having to possibly revisit it and watch it over again, in which I am totally not prepared to do. lol.

        Like

      • garylee828

        I know you submitted “Social Network” last time and I actually liked that one a lot. I thought it was intriguing to see someone take such a small idea and turn it into something so massive, so quickly. I also like Andrew Garfield and Mara Rooney a lot, and I know a lot of people don’t like Jesse Eisenberg, but he’s a very talented actor who is actually distinctive and today that seems to be a hard thing to come by. However, I understand how he irks some people, so I wouldn’t debate those who don’t like him.

        WAIT!

        I now know my SF submission!! I will save “Skyfall” for another edition, so I can take my time. I know what I will do for this one; it’s going to be presented in a very unconventional way that hasn’t been done in SF history – but I think you will appreciate it! 🙂

        Like

      • garylee828

        I am going to catch so much crap from the IPCer’s, but you’re going to love it! And I think Brian will, as well – and THAT is what counts!! lol.

        Like

  6. garylee828

    Oh yeah, regarding “Wicked Lake”…Angela Bettis was billed at the top of the cast – and in the film for like 30 seconds. lol. There wasn’t even a point in her brief scene; but I guess it didn’t matter since there wasn’t a point in the movie, anyway. I like the way the 2 cops just abruptly into the movie out of thin air. lol.

    Like

      • garylee828

        The one redeeming quality it had that probably was what kept me from turing it off was the lot of girls were attractive. I have seen some films where the seductress girl is supposed to be hot, but is ugly. That I cannot tolerate and is where I draw the line! lol.

        Like

      • garylee828

        I liked the way Caleb was pinned to the door for the last 2/3 of the movie, and then at the end unpinned himself and then walked away. lol.

        You know I think I actually saw this on netflix a long while ago and put it on, but turned it off after about 5 minutes; the opening scene was familiar and felt like I had seen it before. I know it’d be hard to believe that someone would start this and not finish.

        Like

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