Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING (2006) TWO TOP HATS

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When it comes to this franchise, I have only ever seen two of them. One was the original I saw when I was a kid when HBO first came out. I use to stay at my grandma’s and I slept on the couch because there was no other room for me… one night I pretended to go to sleep so they would leave me alone and then I turned on cable to check out some boobs. I ended up watching this and it literally scared the piss out of me…. When I finally went to sleep I pissed the couch… so I never really went back in to any of them. I remember the second one coming out and it had Dennis Hopper in it which I thought was weird because I thought he was a big movie star and I didn’t know there was a third one until Matty M and Renee My-Face-Looks-Like-A-Baseball-Glove-Sometimes Zelweigger (sp??) got big but I never watched it. Then Michael Cocksucking Bay came around with all of his Armageddon money and started remaking old horror movies.

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I watched the remake when it came out on DVD one night when I was stoned – or maybe not because I’ve never smoked one leaf of grass – so I didn’t really remember much of it – because I wasn’t stoned, so I don’t count that as a real movie watching experience. Then, recently I was out of town and watched the newest one which was complete shit. Anyway, some months ago I beeredly queued up all of them (but couldn’t find the second) and they got here and I watched them all, not in any real order LOL but here we go….

This thing starts off with some obese, pregnant woman greasing her baby out onto the floor in the stockyard shoppe where she works. I find it hard to believe that someone put his peep into this person and managed to knock her up but she drops the kid on the floor and (I think) dies so they toss the kid in the dumpster and get back to work. Later, some gross old lady hears it crying from the garbage, picks it up and takes it home, where, I guess she either feeds it from her supple, old lady tits or they drop food in it’s mouth like a fucking bird.

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Eventually this little baby grows up to be a hulking beast of a man who likes to cut people up with chainsaws and eat human flesh. His family also lives in some sort of gothic mansion that doesn’t resemble the home they lived in, in the original, in the slightest.

As natural as it seems, Jordana Brewster, smokin’ hot Diora Baird and a couple of schmucks come driving by and tangle with some bikers and get in a big wreck. Eventually the murdering patriarch of the Leatherface family, who murdered the real sheriff earlier, pulls up in his stolen sheriff car and outfit and takes three of them hostage. Why only three? Because one of them is hiding under the van.

I suppose this movie is important because, as “LF” is killing one of the dudes, so they can all have supper, he gets the wise idea to skin his face off and wear it instead of the shitty rag (or something) he’s been wearing the whole movie to cover his deformed mouth

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*spoilers*

Diora Baird is REALLY hot.

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In the end, I didn’t love it.

96 comments

  1. kloipy

    For some reason Twitter is not working for me at work! UGHGHGAKLDFJDLKF I might not be on Twitter for a bit until i get this figured out

    Like

  2. saw the original way back in the day, kinda under the same circumstances as you (minus the couch christening). Stayed up late and watched it when nobody was looking, I saw the Exorcist the same way. LOL
    I never really had an interest in the remakes.
    Knowing that the idea for the Leatherface character is based a real dude… way scarier to me!
    xoxo

    Like

    • theipc

      Just go yank it off after you’re done shitting!!

      #weknowwhatyoureuptobuddyboy

      I like how my shoulder was sore after playing pool the other day…

      Like

  3. What’s the damn difference between this one & the Jessica Biel one?? Anyway, I was talking about the Jessica Biel one when I mentioned this earlier. Stupid fucking horror remakes! Can’t keep track of them all!!!

    Like

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