BY: FILM GRIMOIRE
Another season passes, and another Shitfest begins! I know this because I willingly watched a film called Ultrachrist! (2003) the other day, and I never normally would have done such a thing. I’m not sure how I found this film, but I had the opportunity to watch it, and I did so. And it was bad.
Ultrachrist! begins with Jesus Christ himself arriving from the heavens above, naked, in a dingy alleyway in New York City. He’s arrived on Earth to re-establish his ministry, fulfil some prophecies, and usher in 2000 years of godly peace. There’s a nice Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) reference as he has to beg for clothes in a bar. After wandering around the city naked, he finds some clothes at a vintage shop. Then he meets a marketing executive at a bar and they discuss his new quest. This marketing guru asks him, “Isn’t spreading the gospel just a marketing issue?” and Jesus sort of agrees. After watching a Japanese anime on television, he decides to rebrand himself as Ultrachrist and dons a nifty superhero costume, which his new lady friend at the vintage shop constructs for him. As it turns out, the costume has a positive effect on would-be sinners, and he experiences various degrees of success in stopping people from doing bad things, such as stealing and watching pornography.
Then the film starts getting interesting. It turns out the Parks Commissioner of NYC is the leader of a drug ring that operates out of the various parks in the city. He’s lost a lot of revenue since Ultrachrist started working his almighty magic, since now that “sin isn’t hip anymore” no one wants to buy any drugs. He decides to send out an army of four of the biggest sinners in the history of mankind to defeat Ultrachrist: Vlad the Impaler, Jim Morrison, Adolf Hitler, and Richard Nixon.
What happens next is an absolute clusterfuck of stupidity. That’s the most eloquent description I can muster for this film. There are a number of big showdowns as Ultrachrist defeats each villain one by one, and there’s a subplot with the fat and balding Archangel Ira, who is the designated Archangel of Erotic Massage (?!). The whole film ends (spoiler alert!) with a country hoedown as Ultrachrist sings about sex not being sinful anymore, and then literally everyone on earth converts to Christianity. The end.
The first thing you need to know about Ultrachrist! is that – surprise! – it is an incredibly low budget affair. The graphics look like a Powerpoint presentation from 1998, the audio is extremely choppy, the special effects are the complete opposite of special, and the acting is so bad that it’s almost non-existent. As certain people are using their special powers during a battle, the powers look like they’ve been illustrated with the airbrush tool from MS Paint out of Microsoft Windows 95. At the beginning of the film this is sort of charming, but by the end, the novelty has definitely worn off. Also, the script is painfully bad. It sounds like it’s been written by two ten-year-old boys who’ve just downed four Red Bulls. It’s horrible.
However, there are two good things about this film. One, there’s a great grungy punk rock soundtrack, and two, the man (I won’t call him an actor, because he can’t act) who plays Ultrachrist is pretty adorable. He plays Ultrachrist as someone with a lot of innocence and a really nice outlook on life, which is really cute in comparison with his friend Ira, who is super sleazy despite being a holy Archangel.
Here are some interesting things I learned from Ultrachrist!:
1. Apparently Jesus’ weaknesses in battle are wireless technology and silver bullets.
2. Hitler’s secret battle move is what can only be described as an ‘atomic salute’, so watch out for it in case you ever end up in a fight with him.
3. Jesus has Terminator vision and can automatically see which Commandment you’re in violation of, so be careful.
4. Putting a superhero costume on legitimises any weird activities you want to partake in.
5. Jordan Hoffman, one of the screenwriters of this film, enjoys playing backgammon. (Source: his Wikipedia page.)
Overall, I probably wouldn’t recommend you watch this film. It’s not the shittiest of films, but it is so low budget and unfunny that it’s pretty painful to watch, and it goes on for about an hour too long. The most entertaining bits are where Ultrachrist is fighting Hitler and the other sinful individuals, but those moments are sandwiched between so much mediocrity that you almost forget about them. Oh, and don’t even think of watching this film if you are very religious, because your brain will probably explode. Ultrachrist! is a total mess. It’s not ‘so bad it’s good’. It’s just bad.
0.5/5 Watch the trailer here.
Sounds pretty Shitty 🙂 Anna!
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It sure does… but also kind of alluring….
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Definitely not the best film I’ve ever seen! 🙂
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Hahahaha nice!!
“4. Putting a superhero costume on legitimises any weird activities you want to partake in.”
No, Eric, that does not apply to you so don’t go getting any ideas!!!
xoxoxo
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But… BUT…. BUT!!!!!!!!
I had something great planned for my next visit to Texas….. 😦
xoxoxo
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LOL ok, maybe just once!
; )
❤
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OK GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
❤
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Haha! I’d like to extend point four to also include animal onesies, just in case.
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Good call!! Hahahahahaha
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BUT I JUST BOUGHT ONE!!!!!
#icantwin
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I figured you’d have a separate closet full of those! You needed to BUY one???
#whoareyou
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My old ones were ratty and the backside had holes in it….
#youknowwhoiam
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HAHAHAHAHA
❤
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🙂 🙂 🙂
❤
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I actually think this movie sounds pretty damn fantastic!
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(I kind of do too)
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Haha! The part where he fights Hitler is pretty fantastic. But the rest is just so bad!
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Appropriately shitty! Good find!
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AMEN LINCOLN!!!!!
I might have to give this a watch….
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Thanks! 😀 I can’t even remember how I found it. But I knew it was The One as soon as I saw the shitty DVD cover.
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If a sixth grader designed the cover, the movie shouldn’t even count for Shitfest. Impact font 4 life.
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KOMIKA TITLE 4 eva
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❤ Comic Sans ❤
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This sounds like a 10-minute short stretched out to feature length. I think we should all boycott Film Threat.
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And the IPC!!
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My Shitfest entry is about reading The IPC.
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FUCKING PERFECT!
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That’s exactly what it’s like when watching! I forgot to mention that it’s about 90 minutes long. Way, way too long.
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This movie looks bad, but I’ve seen much worse in SF; this looks better than Typhoid Mary or that accountant movie Misty watched last time. lol. This movie at least looks like it may have some funny moments; it seems like one of those movies you just don’t take seriously at all and it may end up offering a few laughs. I think Film Grimoire has our curiousity, but if any of us actually watch this thing will probably regret it. lol.
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I tried to watch that accountant movie Misty didn’t finish – just to get closure and make sure someone finished it. I couldn’t do it.
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Dude, no way, I wouldn’t even attempt it.
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It was stupid I couldn’t even believe it….
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One day after shitfest, we need to have a trade-off where you watch Birdemic and I will watch any movie you choose; and then we write an entry about the films. Or we at least watch HALF of the movie if it’s just too unbearable. 🙂 I’m willing to give Typhoid Mary or George Biddle CPA or anything else a go for you to watch Birdemic.
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OK – you’re on for Typhoid Mary. I’ll try and wrangle up Scrotey for a podcast and let you know how it’s going 🙂
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LOL, so you will wrangle up Scrotey for Birdemic if I watch Typhoid Mary? If so, I agree to it. 🙂
When I reboot my blog I want to have some monthly segments; maybe doing a trade-off with a blogger where they have to watch my selection and I watch theirs and then we discuss. Sometimes it could be a terrible film trade-off like “Birdemic” for “Typhoid Mary” and other times would be films we like that we want the other to see; like I will watch your recommendation “Galaxy Quest” if you watch my recommendation “8 Mile”. And then we could write an entry with our thoughts.
I have some other ideas, as well. I just have to find a theme and concept for my new blog; the “With A Friend Like Gary” idea never clicked with people b/c they didn’t know what “With A Friend Like Harry” was; i still think some people thought the photo of Harry was me. lol.
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Sounds good – let me know – sorry to be short but I’m working on a 400,000 row spreadsheet at the moment…
😦
I’ll talk to scrotey soon –
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I’m working on a 400,000 word SF submission! lol.
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LOL
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Wow, a whole movie about an accountant? I would rather not see that! Submitting a tax return is tedious enough in real life. You’re right, this is probably much better than anything a movie about an accountant could be. If anyone else ends up watching this travesty I’d love to hear their thoughts!
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I’m actually not sure exactly what happens in the movie; you would have to ask Misty – or Eric, b/c I think he watched some of it, but I don’t think he was able to man through the entire thing.
Good and fun submission to kick off SF, Anna! 🙂
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That CPA movie was a miserable turd of a thing. It’s basically some guy driving around in a convertible doing people’s taxes. Or something. It was SHIT.
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If shitfest was based strictly by how bad the movie was, I think Misty may have won by a landslide last time around.
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LOL or my Green River movie…
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Is this movie for real … Hilarious 🙂
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LOL – sounds like it….
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It was definitely real! And really bad! 🙂
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Woohoooo, let’s go Shitfest! I feel honoured to be the first cab off the rank and I am also highly enjoying the Hasselhoff! 😀
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I was hoping you’d see that!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!!
SHITFEST FOREVER!!!!
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Shitfest Titles are always the best 😀
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HAHAHAHA!!!!
YES!!
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The best of the worst! 😀
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Jim Morrison?! Lol. I’d watch this just for that. Great review, Anna! This sounds… Well, shitty of course! Good god. Er… I mean… Jesus! : )
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CHRIST!!!
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The guy who played Jim Morrison was pretty cute too! 😀
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Archangel of Erotic Massage?
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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Yep! They have Archangels for pretty much everything now. It’s actually kind of gross in the film as well because the character is played by a really sleazy-looking guy. Such a shitty film.
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Good lord… literally.
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Hahahahahaha!!!
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Haha! The blasphemy is strong with this one!
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How does this even exist? What a find!
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Right?? This sounds like a beaut!!
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I can’t believe someone actually paid money for this film to exist!
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Holy crap what the freaking hell did you WATCH?!
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LOLOLOLOL!!!
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It was pretty bad!!
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It looks RIDICULOUS. But awesome entry, highly entertaining (you poor soul).
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JB – wasn’t this awesome???
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Absolutely!
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WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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Wow. I mean…wow. Where did you even dig this up, Anna??? Lol. Sounds awful…and yet a spectacular find for Shitfest. 😀 Nice job, lady!! Also, I’m sorry. Hahaha.
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Haha, thanks Cara! 🙂 I can’t even remember where I found out about this! I think I’ve repressed the memories of this film already.
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I can’t say I blame you. Bahaha.
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Why would you even make a film like this? Just, wow. How did you come upon this film and decide to watch it?
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That’s what I was thinking! What’s even the purpose of this film? It fails on so many levels. I’ve lost all memory of where I found it. I think I was Googling another film and this one popped up as a suggestion for some reason. I immediately noted it down as a film for Shitfest because I decided that my rule for Shitfest this year is to go hard or go home!
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I’m not sure where this came from but I’m glad it exists!!
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This looks brutal. Even superhero Jesus isn’t allowed to sit at the cool kids table…
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hahaha!!!
You know you like him….
#truelove
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Haha! Nope!
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Awesome great job Anna! I can’t believe Eric got you to watch this!
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LOL –
I have a huge file on Anna….
#blackmail
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Knew it!!! #saveanna
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LOL!!
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Haha! Thanks Melissa, this one was weird. I think even if it wasn’t Shitfest I would have watched it, because the concept is so intriguingly stupid!
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Yeah. This sounds pretty wretched.
I have to wonder. Where does the government drug kingpin find his four villains to send after Ultachrist?
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LOL – Hopefully Anna will come back around and enlighten us….
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Hopefully. It has been a long time since you posted it. 🙂
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If you’re not afraid to hear a spoiler, I can tell you how he finds the villains! 😉
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Oh. I am not afraid – not at all.
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Here you go! The commissioner of the Parks Department is actually Satan in disguise (which is pretty obvious as he’s wearing a black suit with a red tie and red pocket square, if I recall correctly). He brings back all the four villains from hell in order to combat Ultrachrist. It’s kind of ridiculous!
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Not just kinda. Entirely. 🙂
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Um, this looks AMAZING! If you pair it with JESUS CHRIST: VAMPIRE HUNTER, you would have the best religiously themed movie night ever!!
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Is that the one where Jebus is a DJ?
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YES!!!
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