BY: SIR ANONYMOUS (And no, it’s not me, I liked this movie)
When I saw Mr. IPC’s invite to Shitfest Summer 2014, I was pretty excited. We all like be vulgar and express ourselves from time to time and this seemed like a perfect way to do so. However, I wanted to see a film I hadn’t seen before so that I could express my hatred and disdain with as much sincerity as possible. I didn’t think I would find a film in time but Hollywood presented me with such a film. For your great pleasure and entertainment, I present to you X-Men: Days of Future Past.
This movie….aahhh, where do I begin? Well it fucking sucks, let’s go with that. You thought X-Men: Last Stand was bad. At least there was some semblance of reality and basic comprehension with that film. There’s none to be found here. Have fun watching a movie that will literally turn you into a fucking toddler because you won’t have a fucking clue what is going on. The past? The present? The past? The present? The future? What the fuck!
You like Hugh Jackman? Yeah I do, too. Was that one of your primary motivations for seeing this movie? Me, too! It’s like we’re the same person! Well guess what, Hugh Jackman isn’t doing Jackshit in this movie (see what I did there? Play on names, haha, fuck you movie). There’s more of James McAvoy putting his fingers to his temple than there is Wolverine slashing some bitches up into stacks of sushi. You know how cool Quicksilver is? I mean, with a guy like that and the awesome special effects you can do with him you think they’d keep him around, right? Wrong, let’s throw him to the curb after he executes quite possibly the only entertaining sequence in this theatrical clusterfuck of assholes. Every character aside from Beast and Wolverine is intolerable. You know what they both have in common? Neither of them are on the screen right now! Or now! Or now! What about Blink, the girl with the portals? She was cool, too and had some electric scenes but they cut her screen time to like ten minutes, too.
No one can kill anything in this movie. No one dies, not even during the war that’s going on between the mutants and sentinels except mutants. They can’t kill even one sentinel. We didn’t get to see one get their head blown off or, again, I really wanted to see Wolverine slash some bitches into sushi but I guess he wasn’t available for that because he was too busy practicing his fucking English in the past! I have no fucks to give!!!
Michael Fassbender, you’re a good actor, I like you as Magneto, but you are such a fucking asshole. Have you ever done anything right in your entire life, Magneto? You’re such a selfish, arrogant, egotistical bastard. No one likes you. How this film can say you somehow became a decent and respectable human being I have no fucking clue because you are such a stubborn bitch. No one cares that your family died in the Holocaust, okay? Stop being a selfish fuck and hating on everyone who’s not named Magneto. You know who fucking ended the Holocaust? We did! America, FUCK YEAH! So on behalf of the U.S.A. and Uncle Sam, FUCK YOU MAGNETO!!! FUCK YOU!!!
Professor Xavier spends a whole movie trying to get Mystique to change her mind because apparently saying, “If you fucking kill this guy, you’re tortured, killed and every mutant on the planet dies” wasn’t convincing enough. She’s also such a dumb bitch. Magneto says he wants to start a war. Mystique says she doesn’t want to start a war, she just wants to kill Trask. Bitch, if you kill Trask, you’re starting a war, you dumb whore!!! Gosh!!!!! Jennifer Lawrence, why would you subject yourself to such shit?! You’re better than this!!! Then, Mystique miraculously decides to change her mind!!! Well, fuck you for not doing this when we first told you about the future and saving us all the trouble, you dumb slut!
Why does time change when Mystique puts her gun down? I don’t feel like time would change instantaneously like that although that is incredibly convenient for Professor Xavier, Kitty Pryde and Wolverine, who had those flames inches from their fucking faces. I mean, CLICHES!!!
Finally, we have the worst of the worst, easily the dumbest, most aggravating part of this whole movie. Wolverine gets transported into the future of the past but past of the future, dammit! Let me try again. Wolverine is transported back to when the school was in operation and everyone’s walking around like normal and then we having fucking Famke Janssen because she just won’t go away!!! However, the real problem is in The Wolverine, you know that Wolverine said he’d finally gotten over her, he was over it, etc. etc. which I had been waiting to hear for nearly the entirety of the film’s 126 minute running time? Well, now he’s like “Oh, Jean” and all this romantic stuff and shit. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! YOU CAN’T JUST REWRITE YOUR PREVIOUS MOVIES LIKE THEY NEVER HAPPENED!!! THEY HAPPENED, WE ALL SAW THEM SO QUIT WRITING YOUR SCRIPT LIKE THE BAD PARTS OF YOUR OTHER FILMS DIDN’T HAPPEN!!! FUCK YOU MOVIE!!!
AND FUCK YOU BRYAN SINGER! BRYAN SINGER COULDN’T TEACH A DOG HOW TO PLAY FETCH! HE COULDN’T TEACH A BABY HOW TO SHIT IN A DIAPER! HE COULDN’T TEACH A DEAD PERSON HOW TO BE DEAD! HE COULDN’T EVEN TEACH A WHORE HOW TO GIVE A BLOWJOB AND I BET HE GIVES THOSE ON THE DAILY CONSIDERING HE SOMEHOW GOT THIS FUCKING ATROCITY TO THE BIG SCREEN!
FUCK YOU MOVIE!!!
P.S. FUCK YOU!