BY: CINEMA PARROT DISCO
Directed by Wip Vernooij & Morgan Francis
Starring Voice Actors:
Tom Clarke Hill
Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
Join Katsuma, Poppet, Mr. Snoodle, and the other Moshi Monters in an action-packed, song-filled race against time! Together they must stop evil Dr. Strangeglove and his incompetent Glump sidekick Fishlips from pulverising the recently discovered Great Moshling Egg.
You know how kids will make you watch annoying YouTube shit over & over & over again? Gangnam Style, the goddamn Gummy Bear song, Crazy FUCKING Frog?!? This movie is like watching a collection of those annoying clips but with some weird ass Indiana Jones type story written around them. (Seriously – it opens exactly like Raiders of the Lost Ark). Here’s Harrison Ford:
And they even ride in these cart things just like in Temple Of Doom:
Anyway – Lucky me, I went to this movie in the cinema (theater to you Americans). I didn’t review it at the time because I really had no clue what was going on as I spent the entire time looking at the cleavage of the woman sitting in front of me. No, not because she was hot. It was because she was on her phone during the ENTIRE fucking movie. Doing what, you ask? I’ll tell you what: She’d apparently posted a photo of her CLEAVAGE on Facebook (not of her face, just her boobies – when the lights came on after the movie, I could see why). So during the whole movie, in between checking a few other Facebook pages full of her other Selfie Cunt friends, she kept going back to her cleavage photo to check for comments on it. I shit you not. What the FUCK is wrong with people today?!?! Okay, now that I’ve seen this movie on DVD (several agonising times) I could tell that stupid bitch she didn’t miss much but, unfortunately, I wasn’t able to catch her name on Facebook. I soooo wanted to find out who she was so I could send her a nasty message somehow.
Do people REALLY not know how distracting it is when they dig out their phones with the bright screens in a dark cinema?!?! I hate people! This happened again recently when I went to A Million Ways To Die In The West – the woman in front of me sent texts to people and scrolled through fucking Facebook every 15 minutes or so. You’re not in your living rooms, people! Why the hell would you pay that much money to go sit somewhere and USE YOUR PHONE for two hours? Stay at home and “watch” a movie if you’re gonna do that shit! I admit I’m terrible for second screening (a bunch of you see my tweets during movies I’m watching). But that’s when I’m HOME watching a movie ALONE! Oh, and when we went to another kids movie recently, the guy in front of us actually took his phone out in the middle of the movie & started taking photos of the film then took selfies of him & his kid with the movie in the background. And then posted the pics on Facebook, of course. As you do. Because his friends NEEDED to know what he was doing THAT very second. That kind of earth shattering news can’t wait until after the movie to be told!!! I imagine his post went something like this: “Look at me! I’m watching the entirely mediocre Mr Peabody & Sherman with my kid RIGHT NOW! Look at how much I love my kid! I’m the best parent EVAHHHHHH! By the way – have you seen my wife’s fabulous tits? She posted a photo of them while watching that shitty Moshi Monsters movie. I love my kid and my wife’s tits! I’m better than ALL OF YOU!” (FYI – He’s now banned from that cinema)
Oh, so… Moshi Monsters: The Movie is pretty bad. I’ve “seen” it maybe five times. Except I haven’t, really. I cannot, for the life of me, pay attention to it for more than five minutes. I did try a couple of times as I knew it would probably be my Shitfest entry but it’s so fucking dull that my mind kept wandering. This is aimed purely at kids under the age of 7 – every other human being will hate it. Okay, I admit it: I have no idea what happens in this movie as I’ve ended up fucking around on my phone through the whole thing any time it’s been on. Here’s a picture of my tits during my last attempt to watch Moshi Monsters: The Movie.
My Rating: 3/10 (I have no idea why. Maybe because I still find those annoying little bastards quite cute. Look at them!)
Also, it gets one extra point for naming a character Dr Strangeglove & for the character of Sweet Tooth, who’s the Moshi Monster version of Marc Bolan slash Tim Curry’s Frank-N-Furter:
Hey – you know what’s funny? I realized that, upside down, my boobies look kind of like a Moshi Monster!
HA! I think that’s probably the look on the face of anyone who gets stuck sitting behind a goddamn phone user when they go out to see a movie…
WHAT UP JIZZBUTT??
I’ll end with a clip of one of several musical numbers from the movie to give you an idea of what you’ll have to endure for 81 minutes if your kids force you to watch it. This is the “Jollywood” song: