BY: JOHN LINK MOVIES
Note to future filmmakers: If your most engaging character (and the thing doing your best acting) is a computer generated Troll named Edward, you probably want to reconsider the final product. Unfortunately, HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS was not so inclined.
Jeremy Renner is usually an asset to a film. But he seemed to realize what he was getting himself into and decided to mail this one in. Actress Gemma Arterton, playing Gretel, tries a little harder. Unfortunately she keeps taking this same pose which says “I want desperately to be tough, but I don’t know how!”
The story has Hansel and Gretel as adult hunters of witches. This is the brainchild of Writer/Director Tommy Wirkola, who previously found cult acclaim with his Nazi-Zombie flick DEAD SNOW. If you want to be nice, H&G:WH is a film which attempts to use brutal violence and silliness to create a fun experience. What happens in practice is that this is a movie which has alarmingly little fun and relies on Jeremy Renner beating up women and CGI violence which is never anything but unrealistic and less than scary.
But that is not all that disappoints about this movie. The prop guns look lame and plastic rather than cool. The sense of humor in this movie is off kilter. It’s never funny and never gets more than an eye roll at a cheesy line. There is a fanboy who wants their autograph, like that was a thing back in… oh. Right. We never really learn where or when this takes place. Instead it sort of takes place at some time in the past in some place where everyone has a different accent and yet sometimes the actors slip out of whatever personal accent they are using. I feel like a lot of alcohol was consumed just before (and probably after) people got on set.
There is a character who says she isn’t a witch. Only we know she must be a witch because the editing, script, and acting make it painfully obvious. I’m seriously trying to figure out if this was blatantly done in a way which makes the audience feel smart for figuring it out. But that would be giving this movie credit for putting more than three seconds of thought into any single aspect (other than the fight choreography, which is well executed in certain moments).
The only guy in this movie who even understands what kind of movie he is in would be Peter Stormare. Maybe it is all the training he got playing silly roles in Michael Bay films, but he at least has a good time with his Sheriff role. Too bad the movie doesn’t realize it and has him killed off in a manner similar to a certain recent Game of Thrones duel loser, only in a much less impactful way.
I just don’t know who the target audience is here. Who was yearning for Hansel and Gretel, but as grown ups killing witches? Nobody in this hour and a half flick is as cool as Ash from EVIL DEAD, a character this film so needs and so wishes it had. Seriously. Who is watching this and thinking, “Oh this is cool. The world needs this.” Apparently some people do, because a sequel is in the works. I’m already lining it up for Shitfest 2017.
I love horror/comedy, and I especially love horror/black-comedy. But there might be nothing more painful than a movie which gets this sort of genre wrong. I want to hear defenses of this film. What makes people like it? Am I getting to be a humorless old man without a sense of joy or a sense of humor (or humour if you want to be British about it)? Because, from where I sit, all we get here is something most fitting for a Shitfest.
*****
Editor’s note: Not to take anything from my main man John Link today but… well… I know THE IPC gives people a rash most of the time and I think at least two people like what I write (and don’t just read out of pity and shame) so – if you have an IPC itch to scratch or just want to read something I put together for the fucking miasma that IS There Will Be Blood for my colleague and associate Cinema Parrot Disco, you can check out the stink by clicking the following button : )
Great review. I must say, seems there is a damn fine reason I have stayed away from this!
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Stay far far away!
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I liked it. I am the only one who liked it haha 😀
Great post 😀
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Tim, can you elaborate on why you liked it and what was good about it? I think that was what John Link was looking for – to hear what others liked about it. I would also like to hear why you liked it since I have not seen the film, so really don’t know much about it; at first I thought it looked good, but then I started to get the feeling it was going to be bad.
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Well. The story is pretty weak and flimsy as hell but I found the action fun, and the visuals impressed me as the effects used were nearly all practical. There are fans out there 😀
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Apparently all of Europe liked it too. So you aren’t alone!
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Loved it in Russia too 😀
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I remember seeing this trailer at the movie theater and wanting to go see it when it came out; but then months later when it was finally released I no longer wanted to see it. I think my movie-instincts kicked-in and saved me from making a terrible mistake. I haven’t thought about this movie since. I think this entry confirms my reservations. Good write-up! 🙂
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It is baaaad. But at least it is short. May have some usefulness as a movie to watch with friends and bash.
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Don’t you worry Eric. If you are looking for a place to stick your extra plugs, I am your man!
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DULY NOTED!!!!
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I actually liked this film, I thought it was gory fun, although I don’t necessarily know who it’s target market is!
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You aren’t alone!
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Jeremy Renner: “You no like my movie? Wha happen?” http://i.imgur.com/l7LPtEF.jpg
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Jeremy Renner is clearly surprised by review. He will wipe away his misery with the hides of the endangered seals he purchased and slaughtered with the money he made doing this movie.
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This is GREAT, John!!
EPIC –
I was actually excited for this because of how much I liked Dead Snow but then the trailers came out……
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I still need to see Dead Snow!
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Dead Snow is hilarious!
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Terrible movie, couldn’t agree with you more. I couldn’t even make it through the whole film.
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I wouldn’t have. But I made a sacrifice for The IPC. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have made it past the first ten minutes.
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They’re making a SEQUEL to this shit?? Oh dear lord. I never saw it, but I thought it looked terrible. This review confirms it. Well done, John. I will continue to stay away. 🙂
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Everything gets a sequel! When is Schindler’s List 2 getting released?
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I have a particular set of skills I have acquired over a long career. I will find you. And I will list you.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Is it Drinkin’ Time where you live??
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It is!
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Me too!!
*clink*
Here’s to a fast dollar!
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Thought wife is in Texas visiting family this week. She took the kids. So most hours are drinking hours…
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Understood and confirmed.
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Oh God don’t even say it!!! They’ll hear you!!! Lol.
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I believe you but Gemma Arterton is so ridiculously hot… I forgot what I was going to say.
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So I agree. Only, in this movie, not so much. I’m not sure how they managed that.
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LOL John –
Have you seen The Disappearance of Alice Creed?
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No. Should I?
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It’s a pretty good little thriller that you won’t regret – but you will certainly not regret some Gemma boobs….
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That is a solid recommendation right there.
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You won’t hate them!
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Oh my god, this film is baaaaaad. I watched a while ago and my biggest problem (and there were many) was that I just couldn’t figure out who is was for. Too gory for kids. To stupid for grown ups. http://wp.me/p3sWVR-a5
I can’t believe there’s going to be a fucking sequel when the first one was such a piece of shit! Urgh.
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Laura! While I have your attention – don’t forget the Social(s) tomorrow : )
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Shit on it! Double booked with cocktail shennanigans. Fuck, shit, bollocks! [sad face]. I need to start writing this shit down.
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: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
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social? what time?
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Matinee at 2:00 PM US Central!
Night showing at 5:00 PM USC!!
LET’S DO THIS!!
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sounds cool, but i probably won’t be able to partake. but have fun
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SUCKY!!!
:(((((
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Okay I kind of thought this was a lot of stupid stupid fun. I hang my head in shame.
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No need! You aren’t alone! I have plenty of guilty pleasures. The IPC loves Care Bears! We are all equals here!
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I guess the world really needed this movie. LOL. Yes the target audience is adults who like to kill witches. hahahaha Sounds horrible!
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It’s a growth market.
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yup, you lost me at ‘candy coated carnage’ LMAO
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That alliteration is actually more clever than anything that made it into the film.
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I like that we use words like “alliteration” on my site. That and “boobs”.
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And ‘boob’ is a palindrome! So is “Ha! Boob. Ah!”
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This site just keeps getting better and better!!!
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Oh my god. They’re making a sequel? Didn’t they figure out that they made the dumbest film ever?
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They are doubling down on the dumbest film ever!!!
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Haha this is a great review of a movie I know to be shit. I knew it because I prophesied it. I stayed far away from it so I have no idea if it really is shit or not but I suspect it is shit
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Your prophecy holds, sir. It is indeed shit.
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SHIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!
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Great review, John. : ) You’ve convinced me to not watch this! Oh, wait… I wasn’t going to anyway. ; )
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That title just doesn’t grab you, eh?
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Good review! Thanks for reminding me not to watch this 🙂
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I live to serve!
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What I saw of it was shit. And it takes a really shitty film to make me stop watching when the lovely Gemma Arterton is in it.
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LOL
Hey!! I got your shit!!! WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!
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Yeeeeahhhh… this looks goddamn terrible. Great review, terrible movie.
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John brought his A Game 🙂 for an F Movie…
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