Hi! Eric is in bed for the night so it’s Table Cinema Mutant Disco Parrot the 9th here. THIS MOVIE STARTS IN 30 MINUTES, EVERYONE! Let’s trash this thing in the comments below!
Press PLAY at 11:00pm UK / 5:00pm US Central Time. Synchronize your watches, people!!!! Or, like, set your iPhone alarms. Or whatever. 🙂
Isaacs Picture Conclusions 
I hope you all have fun watching this while I pretend to as I’m actually watching Citizen Kane instead! ; )
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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh well, they’re both pretty bad… you should have done CK for this!!
#puttingonmynightcap
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Lol. It’s past your bedtime, old man!!!!
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I know!! THREE HOURS PAST!!!!
Where’s my Metamucil and Pepto Bismol?????
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It’s on the Netflix watch list. The wine has been poured and the popcorn is ready. Bring it on!
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Yes! I was starting to get scared all alone in here. In the dark. With Christian Slater.
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That is a terrifying thought!
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Not as scary as Tara Reid!
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And her epically weird bewbs…
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What? I thought you liked Slater??
#GirlBoners
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I do love him, actually. Yes…. 😉
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You think I don’t remember things…….
…… but I do…..
#SmartieSometimes
#smartmotherfucker
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In like 1995… before he went wrong.
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Heathers & Pump Up The Volume Slater rules! #mycrush
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You’re eating popcorn? Lucky! I’m still thinking about dinner..haha! 🙂
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My husband is a very good man and got me the mixed sweet and salty kind which he hates. I’m very lucky!
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So awesome! 🙂
Is he going to sit down and watch this with you?
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Are you home yet??
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Yup! all set up and ready to go! 🙂
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Yup… he’s super excited 🙂
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Aaaaand…. Go!
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It’s ON!
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Shit. Is all this important? I lost interest!
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I was drinking cocktails at my friend’s house so I’m watching it now. I had to rewind 3 times before I could get through that opening blurb. So boring already!
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Is he going to just read the whole film???
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Wait, I’m watching this on weird streaming site…there is like a huge narration section in the beginning, right?
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Lol. Yep. Hope it wasn’t important. I almost fell asleep. 😉
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JESUS CHRIST WOMAN
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LOL! I hope not..since I worried about having the wrong movie and not really listening…..
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Yup… he’s reading like 3/4 of the film.
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I’m here and I’m watching! This intro is a bit wordy, isn’t it?
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that damn monologue took up the whole first act.
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“Someone’s missing.”
“Shit!”
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What’s the bet that Tara Reid is the missing kid?
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Oh, disregard, it’s a dude.
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Lol. I think she’s the (ugh) love interest?? #puke
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Oh Christian – I hope I still love you after this…
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My guess is you won’t 😛 I’m already kind of starting to hate him….
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Awww… : ( lol!
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Comment from Mr O (world’s most flamboyant straight man): “Why is he wearing a lady top?” Then he started muttering about a Interview With a Vampire.
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This is some funky pursuit music…
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Nice music! Lol! #cheese
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Big trouble in little China!!
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Has there ever been a video game that’s been successfully translated into a film? This is bad. So much video game exposition.
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YEAH! Slow motion crashing through the window! *rolls eyes*
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This is the fight choreography of a drunk teenage boy!
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Lmao! Didn’t know Slater was such an action star!
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Also SHIIIIITTTTT!!!!!
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I’m off to the ice store to buy some giant ice blocks???
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Christian Slater should have been “Neo” instead of Keanu Reeves! Who saw that backflip!!!???
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Hahahaha. This is the worst.
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She’s wearing glasses. It means she’s smart.
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And totally not a whore!
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Hahaha!
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Christian Slater is a BAD ASS!!!
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Don’t you know who she is??? She’s Elaine Whatserface!
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oh the dude lands on the SPIKE! What a twist! No one saw that coming!!!
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Is it just my stupid version or the background effects/sounds/music is louder than the actual talking?
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What, Kim? I can’t hear you over this music!
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LOL!
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I’ve lost the plot. If there is one.
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Shut the fuck up, dude; she’s the ASSISTANT CURATOR! Don’t you know anything!!??
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She curates the assistants and stuff!
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Come into my lair, bitches. We can fuck by the chain link fence.
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Nice arms, Christian!
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Haaaaa. Tara Reid as an assistant curator is about as believable as Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist in whichever Bond film she was in.
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Bwahaha! True. Was her name Christmas? Christmas only comes once a year!
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Hahaha! That line is the absolute worst. I still can’t believe that they named a character to have a sexual innuendo joke about it at the very end of the film.
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OMG why did I never think of dressing Mr O in a wifebeater and surgical gloves???
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It really is a sexy look :-p (I’m kind of serious)
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Just… No….
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This villain kind of looks like the dude from Nickelback?
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Are you saying this is how he reminds you of him?
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I can’t wait to see exactly how bad the CGI is for these monsters.
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So this guy just knows how to open the secret compartment in that golden box?
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I’m so confused??? Should I curate the tablets or not? What does it all MEAN???
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I thought I was supposed to assist with the curating!
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I just want to say good luck, and we’re all counting on you.
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I don’t know if I can survive this!!!
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Is that an actual lane? Is it in Shitsville?
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He just gets there and the woman thinks he has all the answers….Where is John?..Whats going on?
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This guy has the longest nose I’ve ever seen and Mr O claims he has played many Kardassians.
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Lol! Oh my god. That punch. Oh my god. Her acting.
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My LOL moment right there! I don’t know if its the punch or her…
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You ladies are fucking AWESOME!!!!!
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Me? Or Mike??
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UMMMMMM…. aren’t you ALL ladies????
#mustbetootiredandconfusedpoundsmileyface
#you
#offtothebar
#lovingthis
#youreallydorock
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I’m not a lady, you bastard! 🙂
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Rob the security guard is the best part of this film so far!
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And he’s so totally about to bite it.
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“Give me one reason why I should even speak to you again!” Damn that was intense! Tara Reid is better than Jessica Chastain.
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Now I’d really like to see a remake of The Tree of Life with all of Jessica Chastain’s scenes replaced with Tara Reid. Someone needs to make this happen!
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Yeah lets do this for ALL Jessica Chastain’s films; Tara Reid in “The Help” and “Take Shelter”. lol.
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Uh oh I’m on edge right now while this security guard is checking things out. This is so creepy!!!
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Bad CGI, what a surprise!
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Ohhhh – this is even better than Alien! Did Giger design this shit?? ; )
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Oh shit that was scary! James Cameron, eat your heart out!!
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Get away from Christian Slater, you bitch!
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That creature is such of rip-off and so video-game like….
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“What the hell was that?” That was so smart to talk so it can find you!!
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I’ve never played this video game before but I’m guessing that all of the music is directly from the game. There’s no excuse otherwise!
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So it is actually a video game adaptation?
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What the hell is happening with the back of Stephen Dorff’s hair???
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No, Tara Reid, you don’t need to study those artifacts.
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She only needs to study acting!
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Haha! That wasn’t meant to be in response to your comment but maybe her bad acting and Stephen Dorff’s hair are psychically linked.
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Polo!
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Tara Reid’s acting here may be even worse than in “Devil’s Pond”.
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NOTHING is worse than Devil’s Pond…. NOTHING!!!!!
#nothing
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Um. Is there really an hour left?
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Stephen Dorff, unless you want your ass kicked, I suggest you mind your tone when addressing Christian Slater!
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Tara Reid is clearly on something. She’s barely conscious.
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Cue Alien-style surgery scene?
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Oh yeah… Run through my veins alien goo…
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Lionel Hutchins? Isn’t that the name of the lawyer from the Simpsons?
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According to IMDB there is a sequel…
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Shitfest Social 2014 Fall!!!!
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Yes! Take that shirt off!!!
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What the hell is he injecting into his veins?
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Is it just me or has Christian Slater had a shit ton of Botox?
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Here comes the love making!
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This music. The worst.
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Don’t touch Slater, Reid! #yuck !!!!!!!
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EW.
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Isn’t this song about third world poverty???
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Tara could use a burger or two. In between acting lessons.
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Yeah, I remember that song having a vague social conscience? So inappropes!
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Wow. That was the LEAST sexy sex scene ever…
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Especially with that horrible song…
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Especially with Reid ; )
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Reid’s boobs!!
#Boobs
#Funbags
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Do you have any standards, man?! ; )
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Aw man, I missed it. I am juggling this and ESPN.
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We didn’t even see her misshapen funbags!!!
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Lol. Damn.
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Unleash a hail of bullets!!!!!
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Lol. Slight music change.
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Ha! I almost enjoyed that bit…
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LOL! This fight scene.
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More IMDB… Apparently this cost $20m to make and only took $10k at the box office.
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Wow. That’s really bad.
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$20m?! What did they spend it on? Reid’s boobs???
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Maybe they decided to make the props out of real gold?
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Surgical gloves and boot cut jeans.
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And Dorff’s hairdresser
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They obviously didn’t spend it on the fake gunfire…
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Bring on the video game cut scene!
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Haha, scene transition through Christian Slater’s jacket. So cheesy.
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Does anyone know what’s going on???
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Haha. No clue.
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They have to go to the abandoned gold mine because of reasons!
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Lol. I think Anna is actually following the plot the most!
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Nope!
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We need moar gunz!!!
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America FUCK YEAH!
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I hope they find Newt!
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Stephen Dorff’s ability to act is throwing a monkey wrench in this thing!
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Don’t wanna be your monkey wrench, Slater!
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IMDB has suggested Titanic 2: The Legend Goes On and a remake of The Birds called Birdemic: Shock and Terror as similar films.
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Titanic 2?! Shitfest Social 2015!
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I finally remembered where I knew this director from – he made a film about Auschwitz that is apparently worse than this!
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He also made a film called Blubberella about “an overweight woman whose footsteps cause explosions and whose dual swords are used against anyone who makes fun of her”, which also involves Nazis. ERIC – please watch this and let us know what you think of it!
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Drop the bitch!
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It’s what any sane man would have done!
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Oh no, did Marco get shot??
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Polo!
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The doctor’s evil and he’s sending in his “dogs”.
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Did I hear the Wilhelm?!
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What is a warning? Oh dear…
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I’ve just realised I’ve been commenting on the wrong site this whole time
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Really?! Where have you been? Are you loving this film or what?
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Commenting on mutant’s site! She never told me it was the wrong one!
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I didn’t realize you were! Lol!! Since I’m the author on this post, I’m getting all comments through at the same time in notifications.
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I wondered where your photo was!!!
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Wait – were you commenting on my site?! Lol. Aww – did no one know you were suffering with us all along?!
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Only you! My comments were pure gold too!
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Haha! Damn! You did have some good ones! ; ) Poor Mike – you must have thought everyone except me was ignoring you!
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Why is the mine full of sand??? It’s not like they’re in the desert.
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I hope Marco’s okay.
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and Polo…
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“Shoot it! Shoot it!” Yeah, because that seems to be working so well!!
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Is it really a smart idea to set explosions off whilst you’re inside an abandoned mine?
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Making this movie wasn’t a good idea, but they still did it ; )
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She’s got a splitting headache
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I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be twitching if your head was split open like an egg.
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“We gotta find a way out.” Good dialogue.
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Maybe you shouldn’t have gone in there in the first place, dillhole!
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I love the word dillhole…
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Dillhole! I’ve just found my new go-to insult.
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Thank-you to That 70s Show.
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Don’t you dare question Tara Reid’s leadership.
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This movie is creepy as f**k. I’m going to have nightmares tonight. About Tara Reid’s acting.
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Work it out Tara, you’re a scientist
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Taras legs are meant to stay shut
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Boom!
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Wish her mouth would
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Tara Reid: Where am I? Who are these people? Maybe is I stand around looking confused someone will bring me some cocaine.
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That’s why she was just staring at the ground aimlessly in that scene with all the sand!
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This is like Indiana Jones crossed with Aliens! But shit.
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James Cameron only wishes he could come up with something similar as this; he could only land a mediocre actress like Sigourney Weaver!
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“There’s been enough killing today”
The first casualty was my boner
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“Its a key” No shit…”Some doors are meant to stay shut..” Huh? Ok…
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“Some doors are meant to stay shut” she reads off her cue card.
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Where’s Hicks?
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Say hello to my little friend!
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“Are you the man who hands out the cocaine?”
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Um. It’s day now? What happened? I’m confused. But I don’t care.
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They’ve been in the mines ALL NIGHT… just go with it…
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He probably should have given himself longer than 5 seconds
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I like the way that knife flew right into that guy’s heart; looked like it was sliding down a clothesline they deleted from the frame.
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This is basically Tara Reid every Sunday morning. Staggering home bleary eyed covered in dirt as the sun rises
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Best comment of the night.
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So my commenting on the wrong site all night was redeemed in one small way?!
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Hahaha! Yes. ; )
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Tara Reid is totally out of it.
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Miles. Rodriguez. Richards. No, no, no! All my favorite characters are dying off!
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You knew their names???
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Lol. I know there was a Marco! But not sure who. And couldn’t name anyone else!
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They just said their names. DAMN IT, GIRL, WEREN’T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?? How could you doze off to this??
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I wasn’t dozing I had an uncontrollable giggling fit.
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So there’s not much longer to go and I have no idea how they’re going to resolve this dumb film!
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8:45 – outside the grand premiere of Alone in the Dark
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I think I’m as confused over this plot as Reid is
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I like you you something or other….
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Wait were they evacuated or wiped out???
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I have no fucking idea. Lol! What the hell just happened???
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City evacuated? What? When?
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20 million budget and that’s the efx you get? LOL
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What city is this even meant to be?
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Thanks Christian Slater for the conclusive narration.
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I wish I had an angel!!!!!
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SO DUMB!
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Max Wanko
Its like a two word review
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Lol! Perfect for this film.
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I hope they both were murdered.
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In real life
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Oh! Maybe they were dead? And everyone else was still in the city but Slater and Reid couldn’t see anyone because they’re in some sort of purgatory!
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Youre giving it too much credit. I know it helps to feel like you haven’t killed half your braincells but you need to embrace the horrible truth
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Damn. Well, I thought maybe it was like the end of Lost. ; )
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That cat was the first frame of the film that was any good.
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I agree! It was so cute!
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I have no idea when the city was evacuated and I still don’t get the point of this movie…but ok…at least its over!
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If anyone wants to see a man talking to himself about Alone in the Dark for over an hour head over to Cinema Parrot Disco!
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Hahaha! But… Where are all my replies to you?!
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Theyre there too but I thought you were finding me boring cos you only replied to a few!
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That’s weird! And hilarious. ; )
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WHAT AN ENDING!!! And I loved the warp-speed zoom in! Great effects!
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I can’t believe this was even a film. I’m going back to bed! Haha! Goodnight everybody! (Just jokes, it’s 9:38AM on a Saturday.)
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Lol. I actually AM going to bed in a few minutes. Thanks to everyone for joining in! I want to watch a GOOD movie with you all sometime. We’ll post on my site but Mike can post here. : )
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Screw you! No one here got to see your classic “I thought there was something fishy about that guy” joke!
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True. Damn! ; )
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That was fun, everyone! Well, your company was fun! : )
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Good work team!
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Thanks for watching this piece of crap with us, Abbi! Thanks to you all! Goodnight everyone. : )
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Your lack of company was upsetting and hurtful 😦
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Hahaha! You do look slightly crazy talking mostly to yourself on my blog. :-p
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I was trying to be nice cos I felt bad that no one showed up for your thing!
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Awww. Aren’t you sweet! : )
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I learned a valuable lesson – never be nice to anyone. Night night 🙂
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Goodnight! : )
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I hate good-byes!!
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Pingback: Thoughts on… Alone in the Dark (2005) | FILM GRIMOIRE
Reading these comments after the event, while I watch the film alone (but not in the dark), and trying to resist the temptation to like everything you guys said.
Great work.
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You can read some on my blog too because poor Mike was commenting there alone for the first hour. Lol!!! ; ) Wait a second – you’re actively choosing to watch this now?? Haha. It’s a painful experience. ; )
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I just finished. What a test of endurance! I mean, it didn’t make ANY SENSE AT ALL! Poor Christian Slater. Poor Stephen Dorff.
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Okay – good. I thought I was maybe just stupid for not knowing WHAT the hell was going on. : )
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Honestly, I had no idea what the hell was going on!
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Pingback: Alone in the Dark | filmnerdblog
Uggghhhh I missed not one but TWO socials!!! The pain!!! …Or was that actually a smart move? Lol. 😉
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Smart move…. ; )
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I am so sorry I missed this one 😦 It was a bit late by me though.
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Lol. You didn’t miss much. It SUCKED. Funniest bit was Mike commenting in the wrong place & thinking no one had shown up. Still lmao!
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LOL! I read about that. Pretty awkward! 😛
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Dammit, I even had two chances at this. I’m the worst.
But again, I have to say.. T-Reids is looking pretty great on that poster. I’m glad she’s finally found a surgeon who gets her.
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Well, her boobs are covered. I bet those are a MESS!!!! Lol
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