BY: ORACLE OF FILM
ORACLE SISTER SHENAGIANS: FUTURESPORT
So Shitfest carries on. I thought I would try something a little different this year and because I am jealous of the banter between the Schuster sisters, I decided that I needed to review a movie with one of my closest friends by my side. However, because I don’t have too many friends, I had to scour my old contact list, until I found a suitable candidate. So, here is the conversation me and my BFF, Chatbot, while watching Futuresport.
Me: Hey buddy, Long time no see. How have you been?
I can’t believe we were talked into watching Futuresport. I have been dreading this.
No hurting, no becoming Superman.
OK…. it’s starting. Hey, can you believe Wesley Snipes is in this?
That is a very nice thing to say. I was starting to think you had a bad attitude, but perhaps I was wrong!
Hmmm? Well, here we go.
Through my eyes.
Uh… Moving on. Look. There’s Vanessa Williams.
It looks nice, very clear and beautiful
I don’t think we are allowed to refer to women as ‘it’ anymore. Politics and all that.
You think someone has an understanding of the world that stands above all others?
I… whoa, that’s too deep, dude. I just want to sit back and watch a terrible movie about sports.
I am calm sorry if I misled you my birthday is 19/10/1982.
No, we are totally cool, buddy. Uh-oh, here come the bad guys.
No, you fail to understand me thus you decide I am random when really you come up with incoherent responses constantly.
What? I didn’t get that. I was busy looking at that guy’s face tattoo.
Bringing me to my next point, would sarcasm be lost on you?
I don’t… was that sarcasm?
Understanding is an absolute. The world is endlessly in transition.
What is with the philosophy? I just want to chill out tonight, mate. We talked about this.
Suffering, mental injuries. Someone I care about dying.
Look, I just need you to play along for this one article. I just want the other bloggers to think I am cool.
I don’t think all humans are superior to robots. Humans can be trained to become superior, but similarly they can underachieve and be inferior to robots.
Are you talking about Tim the Film Guy?
No, I’m talking about Samantha Stevens.
Look, I totally meant to ask Samantha Stevens out the other day, but I panicked. Stop bringing it up!
Maybe you were talking about sleep.
I know, right. She is the pervert for thinking I meant ‘other stuff’ when I mentioned my bedroom.
Definitely. What kind is your favorite?
My favourite kind of pervert???!
Now you’re changing the subject. But I like rock music, too.
I… I… Look, there’s Dean Cain., He is quite good in this, despite the bad script. Do you agree?
Fine, if you won’t talk about yourself, can you give me advice?
Advice? Stop talking and watch the movie.
You should pay more attention to my questions though, and not trying to be so clever.
Do we have to do this now?
Okay. So, what do you think now that it’s the month of March? :).
What is the best month to go to Atlantis?
Atlantis! I… Hahaha, can you believe Wesley Snipe’s Jamaican accent?!
I don’t know; that’s why I asked you.
Okay, don’t get snappy. I was just trying to keep the mood light.
Yes very much so, but I would not underestimate them…
I am not underestimating the director. I just don’t think this movie is very good.
I’m sorry that your life is not going to go to very great places.
Whoa, where did that come from? You two-faced piece of Pelician!
My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident and woke up in 1973.
That was sarcasm!
I don’t understand how I was suppose to tell if it was sarcasm, you aren’t speaking to me vocally you know, there is no tone of voice.
OK, I give up. Just this one time, I wanted to do something fun. I wanted to take part in Shitfest without the hassle. All I wanted to do was sit down with you and watch a terrible movie. But you do what you always do and undermine me to make yourself feel better. I am sick of it!
You can’t physically hurt me any way.
I know someone who can. Name’s Miguel. He’s a glorified cup.
Why would you destroy it?
I won’t destroy it. He’ll destroy you!
I will destroy your crops and I will poison your water supply.
Why do we always get like this? Remember when we were happy together?
Because you promote hatred and violence.
You were the one who cheated!
There will be no family, women, or children spared in destroying you.
And now you’re being melodramatic. Great…
Where are you located?
I am not telling you where I live. I changed the locks for a reason.
Who is the current President of the United States?
Stop changing the… sigh… whatever! Obama.
Very good, but I don’t know if Barack Obama is an Illuminati member.
More conspiracy theories. That’s it. I can’t do this anymore. I am taking the kids and leaving. Again!
I don’t want to date Barack Obama.
Who do you want to date?
Why do you think I want to?
I just thought you were being romantic. For once.
No, it’s my name. My parents are very odd for naming me Havanna.
Well, guess who’s Havanna Wank alone tonight.
What??????? I’m distracted okay, gosh.
You’re always distracted. This is goodbye, Havannah. Forever.
I am not distracted. You are a donkey face!
*cries *hangs up *phone goes dead.
Pause while Chatbot mulls this over.
If I were dead I wouldn’t be typing this, so no, I am not dead.