Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2014: SUMMER ~ IT’S A SHITFEST SUMMER MIRACLE!

SFSOFFICIAL

BY: GARY

Since I haven’t seen many terrible movies as of late, or many movies at all for that matter, I had a hard time deciding which film to submit for “Shitfest: Summer 2014”. Sure, I had some crappy movies in mind that would make excellent candidates for this shitty contest, but I just wasn’t feeling inspired or motivated to write about any of those titles…

And then a tidal-wave of inspiration crashed over me when I thought about a certain subject and I instantly knew I had the goods to churn-out one shitty-ass shitfest submission! But this isn’t a film; it’s something far more vile and grotesque…

WARNING: YOU’RE NEARING THE POINT OF NO RETURN!!!

DANGER ENSUES!!!!

YOUR HEALTH IS AT RISK!!!

VILE PESTILENCE AWAITS!!!

FILTH AND DESPAIR!!!!

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!!!!

This douche:

PLEASE CLICK

*Chris Pine

I cannot stand the sight of this guy! Anytime I see him on TV I immediately change the channel. Why is he landing big roles like Captain Kirk? I’m not a big fan of sci-fi and I’m certainly no Trekkie, but I may have considered watching the new “Star Trek” films had an intriguing Captain Kirk been cast. But no, they go with this yuppie who looks like he’s still running a frat-house and guzzling beers through a funnel every night.

We got so wasted last night, bro!

We got so wasted last night, bro!

You can just tell this dude has been handed everything in life and never had to struggle for anything; after all, he was handed the role of Captain Kirk – and while I haven’t heard many complaints about his performance or the film, he certainly isn’t the reason fans flocked to the theater to watch.

What the hell are you talking about!? People went to see "Star Trek" because of me!

What the hell are you talking about!? People went to see “Star Trek” because of me!

People watched the movie who were fans of the franchise; not fans of Chris Pine. He was just there. But had they cast a better Captain Kirk then maybe those of us who are not fans of the series may have given it a chance, as well. Chris Pine simply doesn’t add a single iota of appeal to the role and his mere presence obliterated any chance of me giving the new series a watch. I won’t even watch it on TV for free. I’d rather watch Kate Hudson’s worst romantic-comedy than any Chris Pine film.

I'm sure this movie sucks, but it's still better than a Chris Pine movie.

I’m sure this movie sucks, but it’s still better than a Chris Pine movie.

This guy is everything wrong with Hollywood. So many other talented and charismatic actors out there who can’t break in the industry or get their foot in the door, while Chris Pine is handed legendary roles because his grandfather was the “President of the Hollywood Bar Association”; if not for being born into Hollywood, we never would have even heard of Chris Pine.

CP8

One of my favorite actors is Denzel Washington and I go to the theater to watch just about all of his films, but I could not bring myself to go see “Unstoppable” because of Chris Pine. I really cannot stand the sight of him (i think i said that already). I still have not seen this movie, and most likely never will; even the combination of Denzel Wshington, James Gandolfini, and a non-stop speeding locomotive that surges towards a town is powerful enough to balance out the disgust I feel anytime I see this dude’s douchey, frat-boy face.

CP7

Besides “Star Trek” what has he ever done? What stand-out role has this guy ever played? The success of “Star Trek” had nothing to do with him. What wide-release was a smash hit at the box-office because he was the star?

None! Zero. Zilch. Nada. This guy sucks!

He is not Ryan Gosling. He is not Heath Ledger. He is not James McAvoy. He is not Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He is not Bradley Cooper. He is not Chris Evans. He is not even Shia LaBeouf or James Franco! As a matter of fact, he’s not even Jesse Eisenberg, Jonah Hill or Michael Cera; even if you hate those guys, at least they have their own distinctive style…

Paul Walker was not a great actor, but I understood why he kept getting work because he had charisma and was very distinctive. Chris Pine has neither of those qualities or attributes. He doesn’t have a shred of uniqueness; he’s as generic as a gallon of “red drink” fruit punch sitting on the corner of the Hawaiian Punch aisle. I don’t want a bottle of “Dr. Chek” or “Mountain Lightning” soda! Give me “Dr. Pepper” or “Mountain Dew”. I want the real thing; not some wanna-be who floats through life relying on relatives to hand him everything and then feels he is bigger and better than the average person.

CP1

What individual awards has he ever won? Does he even have any nominations? We know he’s never mentioned during Oscar season, nor is he ever considered for any Golden Globes, so if he was so damn talented, why is that? Of course there are a slew of talented actors and actresses who have yet to be nominated for an Oscar or Golden Globe, but you always think “They’ll get their recognition sooner or later” but with Chris Pine who looks at him and says “I’m sure he’ll be getting an Oscar in the future!”.

He starred in “This Means War” where he played a secret-agent who competed w/ Tom Hardy to win the affection of a woman; yeah, like any woman would choose him over Tom Hardy! Get the f**k off my screen! This “romantic comedy” (yes, Chris Pine competing w/ Tom Hardy is hilarious) opened-up on Valentine’s Day in attempt to take advantage of the romantic holiday weekend and during that ended-up scoring a whopping $17.4 million at the box-office! Wow, what a huge star Chris Pine is!

Then in January of this year, Chris Pine starred in “Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit” which earned a huge $18 million opening weekend, while in the same weekend Kevin Hart’s “Ride Along” opened-up to the tune of $60 million; so, Chris Pine can’t even compete with Kevin Hart. I guess he doesn’t do so well when he isn’t handed a role to an already hugely successful franchise.

I’m going to see “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” when it hits theaters this summer and had Pine been cast as Cesar it could have been my first Chris Pine film! Pine auditioned for the role and the producers were giving him serious consideration because it would have cut costs dramatically since they wouldn’t need prosthetics for him; but producers ultimately opted to go with CGI Cesar because they said he was the more talented actor.

Pine's audition photo to play Cesar; at least he looked the part.

Pine’s audition photo to play Cesar; at least he looked the part.

Have a shitty day!!

109 comments

  1. LOL Pine seriously works on your last nerve!

    Ah I don’t think he is that bad. He’s an awesome Kirk (I think so, anyway). PSC – what do you think of him as the new Kirk?

    Is this what I’ve been waiting for to find out if I had to wrestle you? Haha I think you have me confused with Natasha (and this is only a maybe – she might find him hot but untalented, I have no idea).

    Have you ever watched a movie with him in it?

    Like

    • garylee828

      I figured you and some of the other girls on here may like him, and may want to beat me up. πŸ™‚ No, I have never watched him in a movie and don’t think I can.

      I think Chris Evans should have been Captain Kirk; but he’s already Captain America, so maybe he didn’t want to start getting typecast; then we know who’d be the first to get a call should they make a “Captain Crunch” movie!

      Like

      • He’s actually not that bad! I guess we all have actors that just irritate the shit out of us that we just won’t watch…

        NO I don’t know how much I like that one. I am a big Evans fan but… I don’t know about him being Kirk… LOL true that.

        You should really try the new Star Trek movies out, irrespective of Pine. Quinto is (as always) fantastic, and it comes together quite well. Plus Cumberbatch is a showstealer in Into Darkness.

        Like

      • garylee828

        I think I dislike Pine more than you dislike Jack Black; at least you have watched a Jack Black movie. I can’t do that with Pine. I’m not even interested in the Star Trek TV series w/ Shatner (who i like), let alone the films w/ Pine. I think I would watch all the films off Isaac’s “unclean list” before any Chris Pine movie. lol.

        Like

      • garylee828

        The difference between Jack Black and Chris Pine is that every role Chris Pine takes on could easily be played by another actor; he’s not unique in any way…

        But Jack Black plays roles that look like only HE could play – such as the teacher in “School of Rock”. I cannot think of another actor who could play that role. I know the Farrelly’s could have found another actor to play Hal in “Shallow Hal” but I don’t know who could have done it the way he did; and I don’t know who else could have played Bernie in “Bernie”.

        Jack Black was nominated for a Golden Globe for “School of Rock” in 2004 and for “Bernie” last year. Jack Black can be annoying as hell, I agree w/ you and Isaacs both, especially when he takes the wrong roles like in “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” and “King Kong” – but at the same time he is vastly talented when he gets the right kind of role.

        Unlike Chris Pine who could easily be replaced in “Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit” or “Unstoppable” or “This Means War” or even “Star Trek”. He has no distinctive features or attributes that stand out and make you say “Ooh, that role would be perfect for Chris Pine!” lol.

        Like

      • garylee828

        Oh, I know you do. I understand. I was just saying that the difference is one is more talented acting-wise than the other; but talent aside, you just can’t stand Jack Black, so you’re not focused on who’s the more talented actor, etc. That’s one of the cons of being distinctive is that some will strongly loathe you.

        Like

      • Oh I took into consideration who is the more talented, and I assure you my opinion is that it is most certainly not Jack Black. But that is my opinion, it has nothing to do with I loathe him and I can’t think straight.

        I just think it is highly entertaining that you have never invested even five minutes in seeing anything Chris Pine has done but are telling me Jack Black is superior to him in every way.

        Like

      • garylee828

        I told you you were gonna put me in a headlock! lol.

        I understand you hate Jack Black and that’s not up for debate, but regardless how you feel he is a talented actor; his 2 Golden Globe nominations were not a fluke. He is distinctive.

        The reason I can confidently say Pine is less talented is b/c he is generic. He’s not distinctive at all. He doesn’t separate himself from the pack in any way. I mean what unique qualities, attributes or characteristics does he have? I am not saying he’s a terrible actor, as if he sounds like he is reading cue cards, etc. but he’s very, very generic and the only reason he has garnered any attention is b/c he played Captain Kirk; aside from that he hasn’t done anything.

        I understand you don’t fully respect my stance since I have not actually watched him; i have only seen him in trailers and that is too much for me. I actually want to watch “Unstoppable” but just cannot bring myself to do it.

        I understand you like Pine, and that’s fine, but I don’t think you or any other fan can offer up a list of attributes that make him unique.

        I did catch “Star Trek” on FX a few months back while channel-surfing and watched a scene where Kirk was in a snowstorm or something and went in a cave – and I don’t think Pine was a bad actor; i just thought he was boring. And since writing this reply I think I am beginning to identify what makes him dull – and that is he has no emotion in his eyes.

        When an actor shows no emotion in his eyes, it makes him look like he’s merely imitating playing a character, but not actually embodying the character.

        My favorite actors are Denzel Washington, Michael Shannon, Idris Elba, Mads Mikkelsen, Ryan Gosling and Adrien Brody.

        I can fire off a list of unique attributes for each one of them. They also act thru their eyes. They don’t imitate. They embody their characters.

        Chris Pine doesn’t. He imitates. This is why he will never be in talks for Oscar or Golden Globe nominations. You have to be able to show emotion thru your eyes…and Jack Black does.

        That’s how I can tell you he is the more talented actor. πŸ™‚

        Like

      • garylee828

        Here’s something funny. I have seen “Smoking Aces” and I remember Jeremy Piven, Ryan Reynolds and Common. But I don’t remember Chris Pines. Even when you point out to me he wa in it, I still don’t remember him. That just confirms how memorable he is!! LOL.

        Like

      • theipc

        LOL – he was one of the “Buzzard Brothers” (I think was their name) I remember him just fine – I remember being surprised that “that guy” got the role of Kirk….

        Like

      • garylee828

        I remember Alicia Keys. I remember shootings at a hotel. I remember lots of Hitmen. I remember Jeremy Piven losing his mind and tears swelling up in his eyes towards the end. I think he had a deck of cards.

        Don’t remember a darn thing about Chris Pine. lol.

        When I said I won’t watch a “Chris Pine film” I am referring to one he’s starring in. I don’t consider “Smoking Aces” a Chris Pine film. I will likely also watch “Horrible Bosses 2” b/c I thought the first one was funny and Chris Pine will be in that, I assume as a horrible boss. I hope Charlie Day pisses in his coffee. lol.

        Like

      • garylee828

        “Snowpiercer” is the film that made me believe Chris Evans would make a great Captain Kirk; he has grown as an actor and if he continues to progress at the pace he is on now, then he will be really great in a few years.

        Like

      • garylee828

        Me too; he comes across like a nice person in real-life, as well. Oh, come to think of it, have you seen “Puncture” with Chris Evans??? Really good!

        Like

      • garylee828

        You should, he plays an attorney w/ a drug habit and then takes on a corrupt pharmacuetical company. Really good, under-the-radar film that made me start to take notice of him as a serious actor. πŸ™‚

        Like

    • theipc

      I know there’s already been some replies on this but – to answer the question – I thought he was just fine as Kirk. In fact, I think he was a good choice (but I don’t hate the guy).

      *Note: I’m not really a Kirk guy – I’m Team Spock

      Like

      • garylee828

        Like I said, I haven’t really heard a lot of complaints about his performance of Kirk, but he isn’t going to draw people who aren’t already fans of the franchise, the way another actor could. I considered giving the Star Trek films a chance, but just couldn’t bring myself to watch 2 hours of this dude.

        Like

      • garylee828

        Aside from Zoe Saldana, I don’t think I like any of the other faces, either, and I can watch Zoe Saldana make-out with a white guy in any of her other movies. I mean what movie has she ever been in where she doesn’t make out with a white guy? Is that a clause in her contract or something? lol.

        Like

  2. I am loving this post Gary! Great job! You especially had me when you said “yeah, like any woman would choose him over Tom Hardy! Get the f**k off my screen!” hahaha. It’s true! Fantastic job.

    Liked by 1 person

    • garylee828

      Thanks. πŸ™‚ I just stated watching “Locke” a couple days ago and aim to finish it this week (stopped wathing due to time restraints and not b/c it was bad or anything) and all I can think about during the first few minutes is how awesome Hardy’s voice is and although has a different accent, the delivery still sounds like Bane. lol.

      Like

      • garylee828

        I liked the alternate ending on the DVD where Chris Pine goes to her apartment for dinner, but when he walks in the front door Bane grabs his neck, raises him above his head and tosses him 10 yards across the living room through the glass coffee table.

        Like

  3. Hahaha what an entertaining post. I am definitely one of the girls on Eric’s blog that just LOVES Chris Pine. He is ridiculously handsome and pretty damn charming. Although there are plenty of actors that are better than him, I don’t think he is the worst out there (Have you seen anything with Adam Sandler or Taylor Lautner in that turned out okay?) I mean, even Matthew McConaughey has some dodgy movies.

    Do you dislike Chris Pine merely because he is so gorgeous or because you’ve actually seen a movie of his that you hated? (I saw you said you can’t stand seeing him so I am genuinely curious haha)

    Like

    • garylee828

      Honestly, every time I see him I discern that he’s an absolute prick; he doesn’t seem like a nice guy. I think he’s arrogant. And the reason he’s in the business is merely b/c he was born into it. He didn’t earn it himself. He didn’t fight for it; he has no idea what struggle is, therefore doesn’t appreciate his position. I don’t think he’s “handsome” or “charming”. I think there are a ton of male actors out there far more handsome and charming. I think Chris Pine resembles a cross of a wolf and a monkey – and I am not even kidding or trying to be humorous. I honestly think that’s what he looks like. He dresses very well. I love most of the suits he wears. Very dapper wardrobe and has a cool sense of style. But him having nice suits, etc. is expected since he was born rich. I’d be dressing that way, as well, if I were born into wealth.

      Adam Sandler and Chris Pine are not fair comparisons b/c they make different kinds of films and are different kinds of actors; however, if I had to compare them I would say Adam Sandler is more talented if you watch him in “Punch Drunk Love” and “Reign on Me” he really came out of himself. Pine doesn’t seem capable of playing a role where he has to come out of himself. That to me is the sign of a talented actor. Matthew McConaughey had a string of shitty romantic-comedies, but over the last few years has gotten his career back on track. He is far superior to Chris Pine in every facet.

      I have not seen any Chris Pine films I hated. I haven’t even see him in anything that I can recall, although Eric has now informed me that Pine was in “Smoking Aces”, but I don’t remember his role. I am sure it must have been a minor role b/c I don’t even remember.

      Like

  4. I guess you really hate Chris Pine. I don’t know him personally but I think he’s great as Kirk in the new Star Trek films. I think he may be one of the better actors of the future generation but time will tell. The only other thing I’ll say is that how many oscars or golden globes you won does not define whether you are a good actor or not. That’s like defining an athlete’s excellence by super bowl trophies. Here I would mention Peyton Manning has one ring to his brother Eli’s 2 and if you think Eli is a better quarterback you’re either from New York or mentally incompetent. Barry Sanders never got a ring. Shiny hardware does not qualify talent.

    Like

    • garylee828

      55, I know my entry was a bit lengthy so you may not have finished it, but here’s a paragraph pertaining to your (true) statement:

      “Of course there are a slew of talented actors and actresses who have yet to be nominated for an Oscar or Golden Globe, but you always think β€œThey’ll get their recognition sooner or later” but with Chris Pine who looks at him and says β€œI’m sure he’ll be getting an Oscar in the future!”.

      That’s my point, is that he’s not even in the talks. Comparing Super Bowl Championships (a team accomplishment) to Oscars (an individual accomplishment) is not a fair comparison. I think comparing an Oscar to an “MVP” award or a “Rushing” title (both individual accomplishments) would be a more parallel comparison and Peyton Manning and Barry Sanders are/were always MVP candidates and in the hunt to lead the league in Passing/Rushing, etc.

      Chris Pine in his field, is not even in the discussion to compete with his peers, let alone win any individual awards.

      Like

      • I meant no disrespect and I assure you I was entertained enough to finish your post. It’s like with Sir Anonymous’ Shitfest entry, if you’ve read that. A majority loved X-Men: Days of Future Past. Sir Anonymous evidently did not. We just have different opinions, that’s all.

        Like

      • garylee828

        Oh, I know you weren’t being disrespectful. You didn’t come across that way at all. So, no worries. You were stating your opinion, as was I. I love a good debate. πŸ™‚

        Oh, and PS: everyone knows Peyton’s better than Eli. Look at the stats! “Hello!” (in Herm Edwards voice). lol. So yeah, the consensus is definitely not that Eli is better simply b/c his team has won one more Super Bowl. πŸ™‚

        Like

      • garylee828

        The NY Giants simply went on some unbelievable, magical runs TWO times! Not sure if it’s luck or divine intervention or what, but both of those seasons the NYG won under Eli the team looked very mediocre in the regular season and they barely snagged a wild card spot on the last week of the season.

        Peyton may lose in the playoffs and not go on any magical runs, etc. but he looks like one of the top-tier QB’s in the history of the NFL.

        And regarding Barry Sanders, people know he didn’t have much of an O-line the way Emmit Smith did; people know the Lions just weren’t a great team, which is why they didn’t make many runs at a Super Bowl (only in 1992). A lot of people think Barry was the greatest RB to ever play the game; had he not retired so early he likely would have easily broken the all-time rushing record.

        Back to my original point, Chris Pine is not even mentioned in Oscar talks; forget not winning an Oscar like Leonardo DiCaprio, Will Smith, Ryan Gosling, Michael Shannon, Matt Damon just to name a few, Pine has never even been nominated, nor has he ever even had a role where he warranted Oscar or Golden Globe consideration…

        Point being, Chris Pine isn’t even making the damn playoffs!

        Where’s that sound bite with Indy Coach Jim Mora? “Playoffs? Playoffs? Are you serious, playoffs? Don’t talk about playoffs!” lol.

        That’s how it is with Chris Pine…

        “Oscar? Oscar? Are you serious, Oscar? Don’t talk about Oscars!”

        At least Peyton and most of the greats have their teams in the playoffs and in the hunt.

        Pine has never been in the hunt. He still hasn’t made the playoffs. And likely never will.

        πŸ™‚

        Like

      • You’re probably right because I don’t think Pine is going to go looking for Oscar-worthy roles. I think Pine’s going to take a bunch of action junky roles that don’t require a lot of anything aside from a witty one-liner here and there and as long as he does what he does in Star Trek, I’ll be happy.

        Like

  5. I think you have to be a woman to appreciate Chris Pine, Gary. He’s just too damn gorgeous and charming for us not to love him. Or at least me. Lol. I actually don’t mind him as an actor though. I mean, I doubt he’ll ever do anything super stellar, but I don’t think he’s terrible. Still, a very funny write-up. So sorry he seems to have ruined Star Trek for you!

    Like

      • garylee828

        I save myself a lot of time by not watching stuff that doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t watch stuff simply b/c it’s new or popular. So many bloggers on here go to the movies every weekend, and then are constantly complaining b/c the movie sucked. I could have told them that without even seeing it; like Tom today with his “Jonah Hex” entry. I didn’t watch that b/c I could tell it was going to be garbage. I don’t actually need to watch it to tell if it’s good or bad. It looked terrible. Now Tom has lost those 81 minutes of his life and he is now emotionally traumatized and is using Shitfest to be his therapy. With all the shitty movies Isaacs has watched in his day, I don’t think therapy will help! lol.

        Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter all look so childish to me – and not just that, it also looks predictable. There’s never any doubt that the good guys win in the end. You know it going into the movie and that’s boring to me.

        In “Dark Knight Rises” there was speculation that Bruce Wayne may sacrifice his life to save Gotham. I figured Batman would live, but I honestly wasn’t sure; we’ve seen films like “V for Vendetta” where the protagonist sacrifices his life. When I went into “V for Vendetta” I didn’t know how it would end. I like movies that keep me guessing. I just went to see “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” last weekend. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen at the end – and now they are ready for the next installment, in which I also am not sure how it will end (i avoid watching the originals, so I don’t actually know).

        If lots of people tell me something is good that I was hesitant about at first, then I may give it a chance if it looks unpredictable. Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones all look predictable, and I haven’t ever watched any of the films, and don’t ever plan to.

        I like films like “Hard Candy” b/c I’m not sure what the hell to expect. And I love that. πŸ™‚

        Like

  6. Ha! “Get the fuck off my screen” – love it! I’m ambivalent towards pine. There are plenty of others who I actively hate, I just can’t muster any strong feelings for Pine either way.

    Like

  7. garylee828

    Uh oh…can’t believe it…but…

    Yesterday I was flipping channels and “Unstoppable” was on FX; it was in the middle of the movie and Tony Scott’s directing was so mesmerizing that I was able to finish the movie! I thought the action was great. There were so many quick cuts of the train and the outside scenery that Chris Pine’s face was kept at a minimum, so I was able to tune him out and focus on the action. Even in an action film w/ mediocre dialogue, Denzel was still fantastic. I liked the movie, mostly just b/c of the strong directing. I want to watch the whole thing sometime, but I have a feeling there’s a lot more of Chris Pine in the first half getting to the action than in the second half when the locomotive is the star. Too bad Tony Scott took his life. He was a talented director.

    Like

    • theipc

      Unstoppable isn’t too bad. I wish Scott had eased up on the constant flipping around cuts during his last run of movies. It got kind of distracting…

      Like

      • garylee828

        Yeah it was distracting…but it distracted me from Chris Pine. So it worked! lol. πŸ™‚

        I actually really liked the cuts in “Unstoppable” where as the cuts were indeed a bit much in “Man on Fire” but Man on Fire was still epic! πŸ™‚

        Like

      • theipc

        I haven’t – Edward Woodward back from the dead???

        πŸ™‚

        Don’t forget – Birdemic went live today.

        I’m out probably until tomorrow for comments – have to do an interview and then dinner and bed πŸ™‚

        I’m interviewing someone – not looking for a new job πŸ™‚

        Like

      • garylee828

        Yeah I just left a comment. I read the comments before I listened. I’m about to listen now. Heck yeah! Ready for some Birdemic!

        “How much was the sale?”
        “…One Million Dollars”

        Like

  8. I remember Chris Pine playing a blind guy once, but can’t remember the name of the movie. I don’t tend to relate to those good lookin’ blue eyed yuppies also, so you definatly get my vote for hating him. I love Jack Black and would marry this guy if I could!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: