BY: DIGITAL SHORTBREAD
Shitfest summer ’14 – ‘Jonah hex’
Jonah Hex is a boner-killer, despite a Megan Fox pre-face job.
It is actually almost suicide-inducingly bad. If it were a person it might be Osama bin Laden, or perhaps even Ryan Seacrest. Let me first pose two pieces of information that will probably fuck your mind into thinking it’s being. . .well, fucked with: an IMDb consensus of this movie is 4.6, which is terrible. Okay, maybe Rotten Tomatoes will have a different opinion: 12% critical. 20% audience.
Ppphhhhtttttt. That’s actually even terrible-er!
So those puke-worthy ratings, let them be exhibit A.
Exhibit B, the fucking stacked-ass cast: Josh Brolin, (give-or-take Fox), John Malkovich, Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett, John Gallagher Jr, Wes Bentley and Michael Shannon.
When you put Exhibit A and Exhibit B together, the facts just don’t goddamn well add up. It’s like Justin Bieber and fame, the two don’t go together, clearly. While this vile filth has successfully slipped into obscurity like a turd after the flush, Jonah Hex must still be hounded for its supreme wasting of everyone’s time, talent and. . . . .tits. Between the horrendous CGI, ass-dragging pace (this, in spite of a brief 81 minute runtime. . .I think that’s with credits, too), and piss-poor performances shrouded in all kinds of awkward lighting, this is very likely one of the most excruciatingly painful films I’ve had the displeasure of sitting through. My god.
Alright, just breathe Tom. Deep, healing breaths. Deep, healing breaths. . .
Any kind of civil, polite, professional. . .whatever. . . .analysis of this film will be all but impossible, it’s such a craptacular voyage. Adding to the fact it’s a miserably executed tribute to fallen heroes, it’s a miserably executed DC comic adaptation at that. Might we have evidence for the worst hero adaptation of all time? Even with what’s come before in the past, Jonah Hex has this incredible ability to frustrate you that might strike record levels.
Poor old Josh Brolin puts on a brave, brutally scarred face as the mangled bounty hunter out to get some kind of vengeance on the world after he was tied up, branded on the little cheeky-poo and forced to watch the sadistic Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich), a former friend of Jonah’s, burn his house down with his wife and son inside. The moment has all of the gravitas of the hit sitcom Diff’rent Strokes had Mr. Drummond been a black man. Brolin’s hell-bound Hex then somehow manages to be partially resuscitated by a passing tribe of Indians, who essentially bust out a Civil War-era pharmaceutical rape on the guy. Medical malpractice. . .ain’t nobody got time for that shit. Too bad it’s still not all good for Hex as he comes back as a still-hideously disfigured, emotionally gutted man who’s consciousness allows him to be able to communicate with the dead. By touching corpses he can make this connection.
Ludicrous as this sounds, I have more of a problem with the way the film handles these sci-fi elements. Neither director Jimmy Hayward (Free Birds), nor the guys with the magic digital animation wands, nor any of the screenwriters could seemingly make any of the admittedly bizarro concepts manifest into watchable material. Multiple scenes are drenched in over-satured colors to emphasize the realities Hex can jump between, you know. . .being half-dead and all. This is a completely fucked movie, have I mentioned this?
I’m starting to feel my train of thought running off the rails. . .my brain is apparently wanting nothing of this torture.
Oh yeah, back to the loose assemblage of a plot. . . that, when glanced at more closely, bears a striking resemblance to the loose stool one produces after chugging an ungodly amount of beer the night before. Too much? I don’t know Eric, was that too much? (ED: NOPE!!!!) I personally don’t think this is possible when talking about the ineptitude of this 2011 disaster.
The film plods for something around 20 minutes — yes, this is to suggest it squanders a quarter of its running time in mind-bogglingly awful boringness, uneasily mixed with cheesy science fiction elements — before getting to some sort of action when Turnbull, who is widely thought to be believed dead when a hotel he was staying in burned to the ground, turns his sights on bombing the crap out of the nation’s Capitol on the Fourth of July. President Incompetent-as-Fuck recruits the battered but not broken Jonah Hex to stop the attack.
Fox mostly gets in the way; Brolin is tolerable but looks pained most of the time, as if knowing the entire time how badly this move and this stupid character is going to hurt his career going forward; Fassbender is basically nonexistent in a thankless (probably thank-god for not having to spend so much effort) role; and Malkovich is serviceable even though his character is despicable and amounts to nothing more than a pile of drama cliches. All of these issues and grievances are mostly slighted against the grade-level writing. Direction ain’t a particular strong point either, but fuck. The writing here, guys, what the fuck.
What the Jonah Hex wrong with these people? Beyond the inexcusable fact they butchered beyond belief a story that might have been watchable purely on the basis of its talent-rich cast, lies the more head-scratching thought that this is intended to be a representation of a DC comic. I’m certainly not among the fandom but god almighty do I feel terrible for that niched group. This is so not the film they need, want nor hoped for.
The filmmakers ought to be subjected to a life of suffering like Jonah Hex for producing this spectacularly awkward non-event.
Recommendation: Ahhh, I think you know what I have to say here, guys and gals. Absolutely, 100% without a doubt in my mind, skip this film that’s purely dedicated to desecration and damned dickish deliverance of dumb. . . I’m running outta words that start with ‘d.’ Jonah Hex will likely put a hex on you if you watch it. I’m also running out of cheesy fucking things to say. This has exhausted me. Piss.
Rated: R (for ridiculously awful)
Running Time: 81 of the longest minutes you’ll spend in a chair
Quoted: “I’m about out of wise-ass answers, my friend.”