Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2014: SUMMER ~ UNDER THE BED (2012)

SFSOFFICIAL

BY: THE SPORADIC CHRONICLES OF A BEGINNER BLOGGER

under the bed poster

*CONTAINS SPOILERS*
(just in case someone really wants to waste their time and look into this hunk of junk)

I know I am not one to spoil on movies, and usually I am pretty quiet on it. But this one… just no. I have to forewarn you all. I have to bitch, enough that you can understand why this was such a waste of life.

What the hell did I watch? This is like material that Eric usually watches (though even he wouldn’t touch this one and even laughed at me for having watched it)… I cannot even begin to articulate it, though I am going to try my best. I don’t even think that this will go on very long, either, which is alright too.

WHY, WHY, WHY?! First off, why the heck was the older brother with his aunt all these years and not institultionalised? Evidently something is “wrong” with him. Secondly, why is dad (Peter Asle Holden) such a total prick? I mean Douchebag Dad of the Year Award won right there! Thirdly, what exactly is hunting these boys and why? What are the constraints and abilities it has? Why the hell was there suddenly a bed chasing them around all gory? I can’t even get into this, it broke my head.

under the bed - what must we do with this

The prize for the Douchebag Dad of the Year Award was pretty disappointing.

The soundtrack/score went from working to not working all the time, the acting was dreary and the concept was just useless and terribly implemented (I mean the oldest phobia in the book aside from the dark, and this is what you give us?!). There was just no logic to be followed, and I know horrors are not renowned for being the most logical of all things, it is sort of what makes a horror, but this was not even something that progressed logically.

under-the-bed-image

Let’s talk about Neal (Jonny Weston) and Paulie (Gattlin Griffith). I know they were just doing the best with what they had, but dammit, did they need to take themselves/the movie so seriously?! I think that is also a problem here. It takes itself way too seriously. Which just makes this all the more terrible. And not even terrible in the sense that you can laugh at it either. Just awful. I mean Neal is grumpy and returning from his aunt to his father, his stepmother is Angela (Musetta Vander) and she tries, but overall it seems not to be working out between everyone. Paulie is super tight with Neal like immediately, and soon they are swapping stories about something huffing and puffing under the bed. Nice bonding. Nice. Really.

under the bed borrowing a sheet

Just borrowing a sheet.

Before you even have the time to rub the sleep out of your eyes, something is stealing sheets and running with a bed as a shield… which I couldn’t fathom or comprehend no matter how hard I tried because really, the creature was not the bed, ever, but it chased them as a bed? What?! Does this make sense?! Am I daft because I missed what the hell was being said here?! What?! NOBODY wants to listen to these kids, and can you blame them? One angry teen, another impressionable boy, and gibbering about something waiting for them, stalking them from beneath the bed… sure thing!

under-the-bed

Because one jumbo flash trident is way better than each having a weapon.

Then – wait for itthe flashlight trident! This was truly my favourite part. I almost died laughing. If only it was that simple to scare things off, using a flashlight! But never mind that, now you have some trippy triple barrel silly looking thing with cables trailing everywhere. There’s a chainsaw in the garage that Neal eyeing out means freaking out step mom… totally wicked. Then there was the inexplicable way that the thing (we still don’t know exactly what it is but now it wants both brothers) was suddenly jumping houses and garbed in a sheet it kindly borrowed from one of the beds to cover up its really stupid looking facade. I thought this was just awful.

60 comments

    • It was ridiculous… so much so that it actually hurt me! Hahaha. Definitely wouldn’t recommend this or make it through it again to be sure. It was really funny, but completely pointless once you realise they have seriously limited their weapons supply lol!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Hahaha! You’re way too nice to Eric, Zoe! You couldn’t pay me to watch something this bad for Shitfest. ; ) Or… Wait. Shit. I dunno… I wonder if it’s worse than Alone In The Dark?! #theshitwedoforeric : )

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This sounds a lot like my review of A Haunted House 2. There’s tons of things wrong with it but it’s just so pointless, so dumb, so logically, emotionally and visually dissatisfying that you really find yourself short of words to describe just how bad this is.

    Like

  3. Abbi

    If you read the title of this blog wrong it sounds like someone has done a shit under a bed. I’ll leave you with that to muse on.

    Like

  4. Looks terrible. So the creature under the bed has no reason to be hunting the kids or standout power? How shit. Also, is it me, or does the creature have a pair of man tits in the first picture? You can only see one. I think the other is nudging the back of the dad’s head. His look of boredom is because he’s so fed up with getting his head poked with flabby demon man tit.

    Watched the trailer. Honestly, if I see one more person get yanked backwards across the floor, away from the camera, with their arms outstretched… it’s a massive cliche in horror films now.

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    • That’s the problem. It is never explained WHY these two boys, and his power seems to be making a bed chase them? Ridiculous I tell you. BWAHAHAHA that about sums that picture up perfectly!

      Oh so much truth there. Just the other day Brian was having a thing about being pulled away into the dark 😛 Suffering through the trailer was enough, I trust you won’t go for the whole haul?

      Like

  5. The only thing it sounds like this film is good for is the flashlight trident. I’m gonna have to craft one of those…lol. 😉 Good review or what sounds like a God awful film. I’m sorry for your suffering. :/

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    • If you look anything like this thing, then no, I am not okay. Also, if you borrow my bedding we are going to have problems.

      I don’t even know:/ But sheeeeeeesh!

      Like

  6. Tom

    Hahah!!!! I want you to write my reviews Zoe. Because “It broke my head” is seriously one of the funniest sentences/claims I’ve ever read (even though I believe you!!!!) god that was great.

    On the other hand, this movie doesn’t look so much. I’m sorry you had to sit through this. Shall we take a moment of silence for you? .. . . 😉

    Like

  7. Pingback: Review: Lights Out (2016) – The Sporadic Chronicles of a Beginner Blogger

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