I’m talking about Yellowbrickroad all-one-word. The turgid 2010 horror film, not the 2005 documentary Yellow Brick Road, about a group of disabled actors staging a performance of The Wizard of Oz, which actually sounds quite interesting.
Seeing as this is Shitfest, I’ve no need to worry that I’m giving anything away by saying right at the start that this is truly, unequivocally and without any remote, miniscule, wavering shadow of a doubt, one of the worst films I’ve ever had the misfortune to endure. It. Is. Pure. SHIT! I fucking hated every teeth-grinding second of it. Honestly, it probably isn’t the all time worst film I’ve ever seen (I watch an awful lot of shit), but it is certainly one of my least favourite films. Ever.
It begins, Blair Witch style (those guys have got a lot to answer for), with a group of wide-eyed young researchers setting out to investigate a legend of some spooky goings on. These crazy bastards decide (no, I don’t know why) to try to get to the bottom of the mystery of Friar, New Hampshire. Apparently, in 1940, the 500 or so residents of this sleepy little town simply got up and marched off into the wilderness, with nothing more than the clothes they stood up in. They never returned. Nobody knows why they left. Some of the residents were found frozen to death. Some had been butchered. Some weren’t found at all. Oh, did I mention this is supposedly based on a true story? Remember that later, when it gets really nuts.
Clearly none of these people have ever seen a horror film. If they had, they sure as shit would’ve considered the possibility that by retracing the steps of a group of people who died horribly…they might…umm…die horribly.
But hark, ‘tis written: thy horror film victims will be extremely stupid, and will put themselves in unnecessary and mortal danger, and thou shalt be compelled to shout at the screen with incredulity. True, we need an element of that for these films to get off the ground, but still…
From here on in SPOILERS ABOUND!
So they head off on the trail of the Friar townsfolk, and sure as eggs is eggs weird shit starts to happen. There’s an unnerving, ominous noise that sounds how I imagine tinnitus might sound – an incessant, continuous and utterly maddening high-pitched buzzing. There’s also some inexplicable music playing in the distance.
But wait; things get seriously mental any minute now. Almost instantaneously they all begin to go insane. I mean, totally bat shit. There’s an argument over a hat which leads a guy to rip a girl’s leg off and beat her to death with it. Can we just let that one sink in for a moment…?
Up to this point, nothing much has happened except for a bit of back story, some walking and weird noises. Then, all of a sudden, the guy RIPS HER FUCKING LEG OFF with his BARE HANDS. He hardly even breaks a sweat even though he’s RIPPING A WOMAN’S LEG OFF and BEATING HER TO DEATH WITH IT.
Someone else walks off a cliff. A man convinces his wife to tie him up and break his neck because he wants to kill her. A woman commits suicide by eating poisonous berries.
By about the half way mark I was starting to think I was going mad too and the prospect of tearing my own leg off and beating myself to death with it, was actually quite appealing. The dialogue isn’t any better than the shitty plot, either. Oh no!
Melissa: Are you going to kill me now? Here?
Melissa: Does there have to be so much pain?
And guess what happens at the end? A total FUCK YOU, that’s what! After 98 gruelling minutes all you get is an ambiguous, dream-sequence type deal that completely ignores the whole ‘based on a true story’ premise they tried to sell us at the beginning. Basically the lone survivor turns up at the cinema in Friar and there’s some weird footage of his chums on the screen, and the other people who went missing are there and is he really a survivor at all or is he dead too, and in some kind of purgatory/hell sort of place? At this point I honestly didn’t give a fuck; I was just relieved whole dreadful experience was over.
Score: 0/10 because, did I mention, I HATED THIS FILM?