BY: MOST UNCLEAN
I don’t know if I am going to take some shit for this or not – and I’m not doing this to be cooly counter culture – but I fucking really hated this movie and this is the perfect example of why I don’t ever watch those Oscar nominated, pretentious pieces of shit movies they like so much. I mean, me and Mrs. IPC rented this one night when it came out on VOD and sat through the first 30 minutes of it before giving it a pause. Normally, in situations like this, I say something like, “I hate this goddamned piece of shit..” and politely excuse myself for a piss and then go to bed. In this one, we paused it and she said something along the realms of “How do people like this thing? I hate everyone in this movie.” and I was all “Me too, I fucking hate it!!” and she was all “what a waste of money” and I was all “fucking bullshit!” and she was all “do you care if we stop it??” and I was all “I can just go to bed if you want to finish it” and she was all “no I don’t like it either” and I was all “do you want to watch Doctor Who in bed?” and she was all “LOLOLOLOL HELL NO!!!” and I was all ” 😦 ” and she was all “you’ll be asleep in five minutes” and I was all “good point” and we went to bed.
But now it’s Shitfest time again so I ordered it up and sat through this boring, wretched, piece of shit movie and hated almost every single frame in it. I have to admit that I did actually enjoy the .003 seconds of bare Amy Adams boob we got and was ACTUALLY starting to maybe even like it during the Robert DeNiro part but the fucking second that DeNiro cameo was over they followed it up with a FUCKING MUSICAL NUMBER with Jennifer Lawrence singing and doing some goddamned house cleaning. Eat my shit, movie. And speaking of JL… was she nominated for something in this because her accent that came and went sporadically throughout the entire movie was a fucking joke.
I don’t want to come across as a hater as in – I hate Bradley Cooper so I hated this movie – because that’s not the case. I like all five of the principals in this movie – sure – but the movie SUCKED. I didn’t care about ANYTHING these people were doing or saying, I hated Fat Bale and his stupid hairdo, I hated irritating Cooper and his stupid hairdo, I liked Amy Adams’ boobs but hated her and her English accent and Lawrence… ugh. Here’s another type of shit that turns me off… Jeremey Renner – the mayor – gives Fat Bale a microwave oven. Fat Bale has never heard of such a thing so he calls it a “Sci Fi Oven” – a LOT. So irritating. At one point he tells his wife (Lawrence) not to put metal in the Sci Fi Oven so she does anyway and it blows up and he’s all sad that she blew up the Sci Fi Oven. Kill me now.
What else is there to say about this bullshit? I think I’ve already used the word “pretentious” followed by “piece of shit” so let me see if I can come up with some synonyms? “affected, ostentatious, showy; overambitious, pompous, artificial, inflated, overblown, high-sounding, flowery, grandiose, elaborate, extravagant, flamboyant, ornate, grandiloquent, magniloquent” See John – the IPC IS a place for learning!In conclusion: FUCK THIS THING