The Traveler (2010)
And, for the first time!! THE IPC and SCREENKICKER present:
THE MANY FACES OF VAL KILMER!!!
Its always difficult when it comes to choosing a film for shitfest. Do you watch a properly bad movie that doesn’t move you and you forget about instantly? Or do you pick one that’s awful in a watchable way? This summer I have chosen the second type, I present to you The Traveler starring 80s actor Val Kilmer!
The worst yet best part of The Traveler is the performance by Kilmer. I can’t summon the words to describe my feelings towards what he does with the role. I can’t say that its bad and at the same time I can’t say its good. All I can say is that its fucking nuts! Imagine if someone resurrected Heath Ledger in the body of a fat female Val Kilmer lookalike and dropped him into a low budget horror film. Its more horrible yet glorious than you could ever think of.
There’s a story to this atrocity and for most of the movie its quite enjoyable. Six police officers working the late shift get a surprise visit from a huge claymation version of Val Kilmer who confesses to six murders. The police dudes cuff him and take him to a cell and that’s when weird shit starts happening. The line up of cops is as follows:
Weasely New York wise guy cop
Big meathead jock cop
Sexy feisty female cop
Fat nervous glasses wearing cop
The one I can’t remember cop
Finally we have the haunted scruffy detective cop called Joe or something. The first scene with him is as subtle as a punch in the throat from Steven Seagal. He’s on the phone to his wife and the following conversation takes place:
“I miss you”
“I’m sorry Joe we need more time. You haven’t been yourself since Mary died.”
(Cut to shot of Joe’s ‘World Best Daddy’ pen)
Turns out Joe’s daughter was snatched and murdered by a guy one year ago. Hmmmm, I’m intrigued. Could this have something to do with the balloon animal version of Val Kilmer that walked in tonight? Go ask him Joe!
Now we get to the good stuff – StayPuft Val Kilmer gets to act. And his character is quite the enigmatic fucker. Kilmer’s attempt at being mysterious is to take an annoyingly long time to answer any questions. All while tilting his head slightly to the side and sitting with a look on his face as if he’s shat himself and is too embarrassed to say (we’ve all been there). Obviously Fat-Suit Kilmer has seen The Dark Knight and is channelling The Joker. However this isn’t a Chris Nolan film and Kilmer isn’t Heath Ledger so you have someone spouting awful lines like:
” Everything is in the eyes, your eyes are full of fear”
The normal response to this would usually be “shut the fuck up Iceman, you’re shit at beach volleyball” but this scares the cops. You see, a year ago they collectively beat and tortured a drifter they thought killed Joe’s daughter. This left the drifter in a coma before he dies at the same minute that Big Momma’s Val comes into the station! Could this be the ghost of that drifter? And would this ghost kill these assholes one by one in the same way that they tortured him? Yes to all of those of course!
So we have a succession of gruesome murders including a man literally having his guts dug out by a shovel, a man being whipped to death with a belt, and someone being suffocated with a plastic bag which somehow produces a ton of blood and the victim’s head falling off. All the while Kilmer sits with his head tilted sideways looking like a huge pile of laundry with classic Val Kilmer poking his head over it.
Once all this bullshit ends the film has a twist that’s so stupid I can’t even repeat it. It involves the ghost of Joe’s daughter telling him Klump Kilmer’s real name which for some reason is his weakness. But you don’t need to worry about that, all that matters is that Val Kilmer is fucking weird and someone gets their intestines dug out. The Traveler is a truly shit film but one that now has a big fat Kilmer sized place in my heart.