Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2014: SUMMER ~ BLADE RUNNER (1982)

SFSOFFICIAL

BY: HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO

HTTHV

Shitfest 2014: Summer

BR1

 

I realize that I’m in the minority here, but I loathed Blade Runner. It’s one of the most boring, pretentious, tedious, etc., movies I’ve ever seen. It’s, dare I say it, humdrum. It literally took me six tries to get through, and I should have stopped at three. And I even watched one of the cuts without the anus-freezingly horrendous Harrison Ford voiceover (I actually disagree with Darabont here, the dove flying away after Batty dies is hokier than the pokiest ho-down from the event “Hamfisted Symbolism, Squaredancing and Chili Cook-Off” by Ridley Scott). And by the way, you know it’s the mark of a quality movie when there are 17 different cuts of it. The acting seems like everyone had malaria during filming. Is Deckard a replicant or not?? Well, if there was even an iota of a reason to care about Deckard’s character that might be an interesting debate. I just assume he is a replicant because he’s so unbelievably dull. Like basically every other character in this snoozefest except for possibly Roy Batty, mostly because he shows more than one emotion. Are we actually supposed to give a crap about Rachael’s feelings? Maybe if she was played by someone other than Sean Young, who was the Kristen Stewart of her day. But you can’t really expect a good performance from any actress when her leading man is sleepwalking the entire time.

SERIOUSLY??

I will acknowledge that there are some excellent visuals:

along with some not-so-excellent visuals:

even though Ridley Scott is immensely overrated. The best evidence of this is Blade Runner and its innumerable, Shitfest-worthy goofs, such as:

-When Roy Batty is climbing up the side of the building, in one shot you can see one of his testicles sticking out of his cut-off jean shorts. In subsequent shots, you can see three testicles sticking out. [as seen in the Super Special Mega Edition]

-During Deckard and Rachael’s rape scene, the lights on her vagina flash “O.S.S.” instead of “S.O.S.” [Key Grip’s Cut]

-When Deckard says he can track down the murder culprit based on the snake scale he found in the bathtub, Gaff’s line, “Unicorn farts” is clearly dubbed over him saying, “Ha ha, are you fucking serious, asshole,” which in turn was clearly dubbed over him saying, “Harvey Keitel’s daughter is hot.” [Ridley Scott Needs to Pay for Repairs on His Pool Cut]

-During Deckard and Roy Batty’s fight scene, Deckard screams, “Leave me alone, I’m a replicant, too!” 26 times, but his mouth never moves. [RepliCut]

-On numerous occasions, it is plainly noticeable that Harrison Ford has drawn fake eyes on his eyelids so he can sleep and act at the same time. There is even a scene where Rutger Hauer relentlessly makes fun of Ford for it, but Ford is too deeply asleep to be insulted. [Insomniac’s Dream Edition]

BR2

-During Leon’s interrogation scene, two wet circles are clearly visible on Brion James’s shirt because he just could not stop lactating throughout filming. [Brion James Memorial Cut]

-The seemingly out of place dialogue between Batty and Deckard when Batty says, “Time to make the donuts” and Deckard replies, “Just don’t squeeze the Charmin,” is due to the film receiving heavy sponsorship money from both Dunkin’ Donuts and Charmin Toilet Tissue. If you look closely, Deckard is holding a styrofoam Dunkin’ Donuts cup at the beginning of every shot, and his belt buckle has a “DD” logo on it. Also, in the 12-minute scene where Leon takes a dump in the neon-covered port-a-potty, he wipes himself, looks surprised, stares at the toilet paper and whispers, “My god, it’s remarkably soft…” then lovingly pats the Charmin logo on the toilet paper holder. [Fred the Baker/Mr. Whipple R.I.P. Edition]

-When Deckard finally cracks the case by realizing that “Pris” sounds like “Piss,” the urine stream he’s using to write the words out on the sidewalk is at minimum 5 times more urine than the human bladder could hold. Even if he is a replicant, there’s no reason for a replicant to be able to hold that much urine. [Darryl Hannah Keystone Pipeline Support Cut]

-When Zhora runs through the glass window, her Adam’s apple and erect penis hit the ground at the same time, which is physically impossible, based on my own personal experiences. [Gender Confusion Edition]

-When Tyrell is squeezing his nipples during Deckard’s questioning of Rachael, the ape that lights his cigarette changes from a bonobo to a chimp and back again. [Ape Runner Cut]

br3

-When Deckard confronts Leon, all of the dialogue Brion James speaks is from his brief appearance as Amos on an episode of Little House on the Prarie that same year. [Laura Ingalls Runner Cut]

-Edward James Olmos’s character Gaff is a verified human, yet his face appears to be melting throughout the film. [Edward James Olmos Court Appearance Fee Cut]

-When Deckard grabs Rachael and shouts, “Are you a repliCAN or a repliCAN’T?!” in one shot the background goes from a window washer visibly masturbating, then in the very next shot the background is a painting of some kind of Yeti-dog. [RepliCut v.6]

br4

-After Deckard rapes Leon, the anal beads Deckard uses change color from white to brown. [Cut of Bullshit]

-When Rachael says to Deckard, “Why do you have a bucket of shit in your living room,” and Deckard replies, “To keep flies out of the kitchen,” Deckard is inexplicably played by Rudy Ray Moore for a few seconds. [Dolemitedition]

br5

-While driving through the pastures at the end, in the background you can see two sheep having sex. Scott stops filming the car Deckard and Rachael are in and film’s the sheep sex instead. Deckard then sleepily says in a voice-over, “DO androids dream of electric sheep? I don’t know, but maybe I’ll zzzzzzzzzzz….” The sheep sex then continues on for eight more minutes, until the bottom sheep explodes, but it is clearly a regular sheep with fireworks strapped to it. This is most evident if you look at the very bottom of the screen, where you can see a crewman’s hand hold up a lighter to the other side of the sheep. [Dick Cut]

97 comments

      • Zoë

        My Sinner,

        I don’t know… I will try to bear all these criticisms in mind when I watch it again (which I am hoping to over the weekend, got a sweet collector’s edition and all that)… but I thought it was really good!

        Love,

        JB

        Like

      • theipc

        MY JB,

        Let me know what you think after you give it a shot. Blade Runner got me through a very difficult time in my life so I have a particular fondness for it. That and a lot of TOOL (who I know you don’t like but that’s OK 🙂 )

        Love,

        SSC

        Like

      • Zoë

        Chop,

        I just want to see if anything has changed over the years haha, I thoroughly enjoyed it when I was younger. Not Tool for me (though it is all good f you like them), I listened to a lot more more Manson, and let me tell you (whatever you may think) he was most helpful.

        Love,

        JB

        Like

      • theipc

        JB,

        It just dawned on me that when I was going through my darkest time and listening to TOOL, sitting alone in the dark, watching Blade Runner, with my cat……. you were……. six.

        HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

        Love,

        Gramps

        Liked by 2 people

      • Zoë

        GSC,

        To you too!

        I almost asked wtf you were doing up, then realised it is only getting on in hours here by me hahaha!

        So much fun.

        Love,

        JB

        Like

      • theipc

        Dearest JB,

        It’s only 3:30 here – so not quite my bedtime yet 🙂

        I may or may not be recording a podcast with a fellow blogger at 4:00.

        Love,

        GSC

        Like

      • Zoë

        GSC,

        Yeah, relatively far off. I am going to watch a Hitchcock film now.

        Hmmmm, you must let me know if that comes to fruition.

        Love,

        JB

        Like

  8. garylee828

    This was one of those famous films I had avoided seeing for so long, but in 2011 I finally watched it, and I thought it was okay; not bad, but not as great as the hype IMO. Good to know there are some others out there who didn’t love it, though. I was beginning to think I was the only one. Although I don’t hate it like some others on here.

    Like

    Reply
  9. garylee828

    I need to get the “Dolemite edition” for sure!! Speaking of, “Dolemite” would make an EPIC SF social!!! “Dolemite” and “Birdemic” could quite possibly be the best double-feature of all-time!

    Like

    Reply
  11. table9mutant

    WHAT?! What the fuck is this?! Blade Runner is one of my favorite movies!!! Dammit, Brian – and I was JUST starting to finally like you! ; )

    (I love the sound of that Laura Ingalls Runner Cut, though. Damn – I’ve not seen that one! A mash up of Little House On The Prairie & Blade Runner would be AWESOME…)

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  15. Anna (Film Grimoire)

    Haha! I’m not a fan of Blade Runner either if I’m honest. But it might be because the only cut I’ve seen is the one where all of the actors are replaced with llamas until that voiceover scene, where they’re hamsters because the llama budget ran out.

    Like

    Reply
  16. caragale

    THANK YOU. I don’t get why people love Blade Runner so much. I thought it was mostly boring. Also, I just laughed so, so much. I might actually be willing to watch some of these cuts.

    Like

    Reply

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