Isaacs Picture Conclusions

ROGUE RIVER (2012) ONE TOP HAT

ROGUE7

SERIOUSLY??? This movie SUCKED SO BAD I could barely stand it. And you know I watch shit like this so you don’t accidentally step in it and track it all over the floor of your house. But GOD DAMN this sucked! This starts off with a woman crying in the woods. Then she pulls a shiny revolver out of nowhere and points it at her head and then the screen goes black for the opening credits and the gun fires. K thanks for showing us the end of the movie at the beginning. Here it is:
ROGUE2

After that unpleasantness, we cut to the same woman, this time wearing more than a sheet, as she leaves her house she seems to share with some disptick who wears a big cross around his neck. They seem to be husband and wife and appear to be fighting about something because he hugs her and she doesn’t hug him back, or some fucking shit. Turns out she’s off to break the law and litter and dump her dad’s ashes into this fucking river, like so:ROGUE3

But this fucker:ROGUE4

Comes into the shot about five seconds in and says something like “Pardon me miss, but we don’t like strangers dumping stuff in our river here.” She says something like “My dad and I used to come here every year” so I would think that would make her not a stranger but she decides to leave and in the five seconds she was away from her car that fucking guy somehow had it removed from where she parked it, I guess by fucking magic or something, because it’s gone even though she was about twenty feet from it the hole time. She didn’t hear it start or drive off or get towed so he either ate it real quick or threw it into the atmosphere because it’s gone.

*SPOILERS* to comeROGUE5

So she agrees to let this total stranger take her to his house to meet his batshit wife who has cancer and can’t have kids. SOOOOOOOOOOO, since they can’t have kids of their own they want to make someone have one for them so they tie her up and pour boiling water down her throat. K – not sure how that would be very conducive to Conception but they do anyway and, after an unsuccessful escape attempt they drug her and drag her into a candlelit room where – yep – the wife had made this unconscious man have an erection so she makes her screw him until he nuts and then she pulls the pillow case off of his face and it’s her…………….. brother. The guy with the cross is her brother. And she just took his seed into her. I’ll let all of that wholesome goodness sit in for a minute.ROGUE6

Now that they’ve poured boiling water down her throat and made her fuck her brother what else could happen? Well, as she makes her final escape attempt, she decides to kill the wife by pouring all of her dad’s ashes into the wife’s mouth and suffocating her with them. Then there’s a big chase in the woods in which she murders her own brother and then murders the dude who ate her car. But – I was wrong!! She didn’t blow her own brains out after all!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Fucking terrible movie.

41 comments

  11. snapcracklewatch

    I just sighed in relief… ok good Eric is back. This was an on point Eric review. This movie sounds horrible… I mean she had sex with her brother. WTF. Why!!!!!!!!!!! I mean how do these movies get made? Who is like I have this really good idea for a movie, then the other person is like yeah let’s totally make this stupid ass movie. #doneranting

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    Reply

  15. Pingback: Marvelous Mondays: Elektra 2005 by the IPC | Life of this city girl

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