Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE UNINVITED (2009) THREE TOP HATS

UNIN1

I didn’t know much about this movie – or why I even Netflix-ed it – so when it showed up I was all – what the fuck is this PG-13 shit? Then I saw Emily Browning and I was all: “JAIL BAIT!!!!!” (JB) and put this in and watched a couple of skinny, teenage girls slink around in their short shorts and  two piece bikinis for an hour an a half and it was really fucking boring. I mean, you can’t go wrong with Elizabeth Banks in tight tank tops but…. this really was Yawnsville….UNIN2

But then came a big twist near the end that I didn’t see coming and it redeemed the whole goddamn thing for me but, aside from that, I can’t really give this one to you like a ripe plum and say “eat this, you’ll fucking love it” because it really is just a couple of mopey girls moping around most of the run time. They mope on a dock:UNIN3

They mope in a bath tub:UNIN4

They mope out a window:UNIN5

And then there’s the big twist where I was like: “FUCKING NICE” and I kind of want to watch it again to see how the twist worked DURING the movie but I already sent it back and don’t feel like queuing it up again so fuck it. Actually, I don’t even know if this is really Elizabeth Banks so fuck that too:UNIN6

Also: fuck this heat and fuck heartburn and fuck these shoestrings and fuck lower back pain and fuck Diet Pepsi and fuck mayonnaise and fuck the elevator situation here at work and fuck that lady that calls me by name in EVERY sentence she says to me and fuck this age spot on my arm and fuck this voicemail and fuck scorpions that sneak into our building and fuck this belt-loop that ripped and fuck that I misspelled “beltloop” and it changed it to “bellhop” and fuck this garbage bag of newspapers that I have to haul down three flights of stairs to my truck and fuck this chair:

CHAIR

41 comments

  1. My Beloved PSC,

    I laughed myself silly att “…fuck scorpions that sneak into our building…” sneaky bastards!! Jeesh, have they no respect?

    Yeah this was a pretty bland one, though I did like that twist that came by the end. Moping all over the show though, it got old quickly.

    Love.

    JB

    Like

  2. No it’s a load of bollocks this film. I’ll give credit where it’s due – the twist is handled well but like you, I couldn’t be arsed going back to check consistency. I reviewed this as well and I was bored to tears. You’ve summed it up better than I did!

    Tell you what, threading a bellhop through a belt-loop… not gonna be happy that bellhop.

    Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      Well… thank you very kindly!

      Speaking of mystery things, I have a very impressive bruise on the inside of my elbow… I wonder how that happened…

      Like

  3. I seem to remember quite liking this one, but then I end up watching a lot of SHIT so anything that isn’t TOTALLY SHIT can seem good by comparison. I’ve seen it more than once because I can never seem to remember I’ve already seen it, so I suppose that’s a bad sign!

    Liked by 1 person

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