*SPOILERS and NSFW*
Well….. howdy… what do we have here?? It’s the naked Scarlett Johansson movie…. SPLURT!!!! But really… is it any good….? I don’t know… I watched it about five days ago and I’m still confused by what the fuck went on in there…. I mean – it’s really pretty to look at and all of that shit – it’s well directed and ScarJo does some good acting – considering most of this acting bit is staring off into the distance – and the special effects are top notch but… what the fuck did I watch the other day? There’s going to be some serious spoilers in here and later I plan to show off a new trick I learned but – seriously… what the fuck? Maybe I should start this off by saying that people who have read the book will probably get this better than a dumbass like myself but really… this started off confusing. Some dude is riding down a highway at 100 MPH at night. It looks real nice and all of that but then he stops, heads down to the beach. Soon, he’s carting some dead or passed out woman over his shoulder and takes her to this room with no walls or floor and a naked ScarJo strips the woman down and puts on her clothes. Then she gets in a van and goes driving around. Come to think of it, that was actually pretty boring aside from a naked ScarJo. You know, in fact, let’s just go ahead and get this out of the way:
The rest of this movie is just weird. Sure it’s pretty and good to look at and probably deep and has some sort of deep message about humanity whether or not humans are good or bad and all of that shit but fuck. I mean – for example – she lures the first guy back to her lair where it’s a an empty, black room with no walls or floors or any of that shit. She starts walking away from the dude who strips and has an erection. He then slowly fades away from the feet up like he’s sinking into some sort of oily goo but he doesn’t seem to care, because he’s so horny I guess. There’s no struggle for survival – the basic instinct of man, and just goes “underwater” until he ceases to be. I guess. Fuck if I know.
Later she brings another dude back and he gets naked with his boner and follows her and drops into the goo and this time they show what happens to him under the surface. He’s floating around in the darkness – LIVING – mind you – and sees the first guy. The first guy is all sunken in and shit like he’s been underwater for a month but – he’s also still alive – and it’s really fucking creepy looking and then – conveniently – he implodes and turns into a flappy, white, rag looking skin thing. I’m totally sure what they were going for here or what they were trying to convey but – while it was neat looking – I don’t fucking get it.
Aside from legally seeing Johansson’s tits – there was one thing I REALLY liked about this – what she looked like without her human suit on:
Oh well – I liked it and I kind of didn’t. It’s worth your time but I wish I knew what the fuck was going on. Why were the aliens harvesting these humans? Why? Why did the dude alien go track that Elephant Man guy down and shove him in a trunk? What did he do with him? If he can go get people why do they need the chick alien? What was the purpose of the couple on the beach? How did these aliens learn how to drive motorcycles and vans? How did they get here? Where was the spaceship? Why didn’t she just cut a slit in her human suit so she can have The Sex? Why does Mike Boyd have sex with goats? We may never know but we learned that if you run in to some pretty chick in the woods and you try and rape her but her skin comes off and she’s an alien, douse her with a convenient can of gasoline and then light her on fire. That’ll do the trick…