You know, I’m not the type of guy who hates sequels or prequels or remakes or that terrible word “reboot” because I’ll watch almost anything and don’t care what version of a movie it is, as long as it’s fucking good. Like – I thought PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 was the best of the bunch and I LOVED the newest EVIL DEAD while I didn’t really love the first three. Sure there’s some nostalgia from being a kid but they’re really not THAT good – especially the very first one. So – anyway – I ordered up the both of these a while back and watched the first one and the remake HERE and then finally gave this a shot and………. this was really fucking stupid.
Despite being clearly fucking killed at the end of the first one, O’Quinn is back and, indeed, alive and living in one of those fancy Insane Asylums and building fucking birdhouses and one day he gets the itch to escape so he kills his only friend and walks out of there like Security Guards have never been invented and, despite having no money or any sort of ID, and despite being a known murderer, buys a house in the middle of some suburban development and takes up shop being a counselor to middle aged women who are having problems because they have to give Blow Jobs to their husbands while humming Broadway show tunes.
Soon, he shacks up with Meg Foster and her dopey kid who doesn’t know how to throw a baseball and one night she wants to make The Sex but he wants to wait until they’re married and she doesn’t find this fucking weird at all that a grown man does NOT want to make The Sex to a hot broad so she agrees to get married.
While all of this bullshit is going on, the only sane character in this whole fucking thing is a Postwoman who breaks the laws of the United States and reads his mail before she delivers it and comes to the fucking conclusion that the Doctor’s name he is using is actually the name of a black fellow so he’s not who everyone thinks he is so he kills her and a few other people. That reminds me of a funny story… in 1990, before JB was born, Scrotey and I and a few other folks drove down to South Padre, TX for Spring Break. We were only 18 so we couldn’t buy booze legally or get into clubs but no one really cared out on the beach. One night we decided to try and get in a club so I borrowed this dude’s ID and we stood in line for an hour and then got to the door guy and I showed him my ID and he laughed and let me in for giving it a shot. You see – the picture on the ID I used was a black fellow and I’m a total white honky cracker.
But back to the movie… you know what? Fuck this movie. Two top hats because Meg Foster was a smoking hot act back in the day.
On another note – for some of you Long Term Most Beloved Readers guess what I got in the mail???? A FUCKING GIALLO!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!! GIALLORAMA BABY!!!!!!
If anyone was curious what that’s all about, you can check out a bunch of posts at this link HERE!
AND!!! On an even BETTER NOTE!!!!!! Have you ever wondered what a movie about THE IPC would be like – CHECK OUT THE GREATEST FUCKING TRAILER EVER FOR: THE IPC: THE MOVIE by clicking anywhere on this paragraph!!!