I’ll start this off by admitting that I don’t know shit about Hammer films. I remember seeing some reviews of trailers or even the movie for this thing and reading people talking about “The return of Hammer movies” and the only thing I can really remember about them is that they seemed to produce a lot of G rated horror back in the 60s and 70s and most of them, that I know of, seemed to involve Dracula or some sort of Gothic castle of some sort. And people wearing capes. But again, I don’t know shit and I don’t like people wearing capes. I remember when I was transitioned to run the last restaurant I managed, a few days after I got there and the new GM arrived the bartender quit. A couple of days later the GM and I went down the street to the local bar and that bartender walked in with his girlfriend and he was wearing a fucking cape. This was 1999. Mother fucker!
Anyway, so this movie is a Hammer movie and it stars some cute girl who may or may not be possessed or may or may not be batshit crazy. It also follows the theme of found footage, to an extent, and may explore themes of Satan and ghosts and sexuality and love, much like this blog. You know what? I can’t think of anything else to say about this movie and it’s been a MONTH since I’ve watched it so, let’s revisit some of the past with some more notable WINS and FAILS!
THE YEAR: 1998
THE SETTING: DOWNTOWN OKC
THE CASE: The IPC is long-distance dating a girl who lives in Racine, Wisconsin. He flies her in for a weekend visit and they decide to go to this fancy brewery downtown. They also invite Scrotey and much beer and many shots of Jagermeister are consumed. After paying the tab and stepping outside to go home, THE IPC and The Girl make Kissy Face while Scrotey relieves himself. After several minutes of making Kissy Face, THE IPC notices Scrotey hasn’t come outside yet so he goes in to check on him. He finds Scrotey bent over the toilet, vomiting like a Greek. THE IPC stoops to soothe his old buddy and Scrotey shits his pants. THE IPC then heads to the other stall and projectile vomits all over the place.
THE VERDICT: FAIL
THE YEAR: 1984
THE SETTING: MIDDLE SCHOOL BASEBALL PRACTICE
THE CASE: The IPC is stationed at Center Field during a boring baseball practice. He decides to Moon his friend in Right Field and does exactly that. After standing there for two fucking hours doing ABSOLUTELY nothing, a ball is hit his way. It’s a deep drive so he has to run to get it. Doing so, his pants drop to around his ankles and he trips, displaying his bare ass to all of the moms picking up their Grade School kids after school.
THE VERDICT: FAIL
THE YEAR: 1999
THE SETTING: DOWNTOWN AT THE LOCAL ARTS FESTIVAL
THE CASE: The IPC and Smithers head downtown to drink hot beer and pick up some chicks. FAILING to meet any women, THE IPC goes to the food court and orders some Beef Stew in a Bread Bowl. Receiving his order, he grabs a bottle of homemade hot sauce, curiously labeled “X X X” and dumps a bunch of it in his stew. “NO! NO! DON’T DO THAT!!!” Shouts the clerk. Like an asshole, THE IPC turns to the guy and smugly says “Don’t worry, I’m a pro” and walks off like a dick. Sitting by Smithers he takes a spoonful of his stew into his mouth which starts to fucking burn like he had put a hot coal in there. He then gets dizzy and faint and almost passes out right there in front of a thousand people. Eventually he composes himself and, on the way to the car, his stomach emulsifies and he has to run, butt clinched, to the filthiest Port-O-Potty in Oklahoma and sit in that stinking hot box for about 40 minutes.
THE VERDICT: FAIL
THE DAY: OCTOBER 15, 2014
THE SETTING: SOMEWHERE NEAR GLASGOW
THE CASE: The IPC posts a piece about the movie GONE GIRL. In it, he strategically places two animated GIFs featuring pretty girls dancing topless and jiggling their breasts. Later that afternoon, Mark Walker (AKA Muckers) boards a bus bound for either home or the closest pub to get blistering drunk and end up ass up in his front yard (both locations will produce the same result). After he sits down and crosses his business-suited legs, he identifies that a woman of unknown comeliness sits next to him. He takes out his phone to do some reading and clicks on THE IPC’s link to GONE GIRL. As soon as he scrolls down one inch, the boobs start jiggling and the woman next to him leaves and finds another seat, thinking Mark is a perverted sexual deviant and that he wants to fondle here right there on the public transport.
THE VERDICT: WIN!!!!!!!!!