Isaacs Picture Conclusions

BRICK MANSIONS (2014) A THREE EMOTICON REVIEW!

Brick Mansions

I was sitting around minding my own business the other day, trying not to get yelled at like I usually do and thought I might try something new with this one so – introducing! A potential new feature!

So – this movie was 100% NOT:hearts

But, then again, it was also NOT:xx

It was more of a:slightfrown

I like Paul Walker and I like Parkour but, for real if you’ve ever seen a Jason Statham movie that includes him driving a car in at least ONE scene, you’ve seen this before but +Parkour. Oh, and + RZA. Run, punch, kick, jump, run, punch, scream, kick, jump, run, scream, kick, jump. REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT. I sure didn’t hate it at all but it’s the same old thing, +Parkour. Thirty five people toting high caliber machine guns can’t hit one guy. Thirty different times. A man holds on to a car trunk / “boot” while the car races ninety MPH down the street smashing into cars and trucks and pedestrians for miles and miles. People can do acrobatic backflips with nothing to use for torque or ballast except for someone’s forearm. People can jump through windows and sit in broken driver’s side window glass without getting cut. Some of it was fun, some it wasn’t. Some of it was laughable. I wasn’t expecting shit and that’s about what I got.

One thing that REALLY irritated me? This is one of those French movies that got remade for the U.S. and they used mostly French or Canadian actors who speak “American” but sound French. The Mayor of Detroit in the future is a French sounding dude? Doubtful. The Secretary of the U.S. Department of Defense sounds French? Unlikely. The only person that sounded like he could be from Detroit was Walker and he really didn’t look like he was a true, blue collar Detroitian.

Another thing that really bothered me, before I sign off???? I HATE it when the big super villain who is willing to kill 30 million people with a bomb or is so ruthless he’ll shoot his lackeys with no remorse or regret and is so evil he’ll cut off his Number One’s hands without a care – BUT – he’s a finesse chef with unbelievably clean utensils and a sterile cook station in the middle of the filthiest parts of the Earth. EVEN if that can be conceivably true ————————-> NO ONE USES A MEAT CLEVER TO SLICE PEPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!! NO! I don’t buy it, brother. “I have an entire SHEATHE of slicing utensils” nearby but I use a meat clever? Nope. No precision, man. You’ll cut your fucking finger off.

42 comments

  1. Dearest PSC,

    Sounds like the meat cleaver belongs on grievances and taints!

    Meh, not something I wanted to watch. I mean I know you like that running + parkour stuff, but this just looked dodgy from the off. Oh well.

    Love the little graphics.

    Another hour. Six months of this, you say? CRY CRY CRY.

    Love,

    IJB

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The big question remains unanswered. Do we call parkour movies starting Paul Walker “paulkour” or “walkour”. I would think the former because the latter sounds like a toned down version of the real thing… but then maybe THAT IS THE POINT!
    Sadly, we will get no more paulkour it walkour movies anyway because he is dead.
    Though if a sequel swapped rappers and we replaced RZA with Common, we could have a freer inning movie which is also about education: commonkour.
    Right?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have zero desire to see this. I thought the original was OK, but I don’t think it warranted a remake. To be honest, I’m not keen on English-language remakes full stop – if the original is that good it should be good enough to watch as is, and if it isn’t then why are they bothering to remake it at all? It boggles my mind!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love Paul Walker, but sorry to say this movie sucked ass! Honestly felt embarrassed watching it, and it had all the right ingredients for a fun action film, it just failed. Miserably. This is not one of Paul Walkers best films, this and his film Vehicle 19 both sucked for different reasons.

    Liked by 1 person

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