*There’s going to be big spoilers in this although I doubt you were looking forward to seeing it….*
I think I’ve figured out the secret behind Found Footage (and maybe I’m just behind on the game and everyone else already knows). But I think it works like this:
- Never before published writer / director writes interesting non Found Footage script
- He or she shows it to her Liberal Arts College classmate in California who reports it to any of the 135,010 members of the Coppola family during one of their nightly wine orgies and it gets picked up and financed and goes on to compete for Best Picture
- He or she mentions it to any of the millions of people associated with CBS during a wine cotillion at one of the eternal-always-scarf-weather parks in New York and it gets optioned into a TV movie and gets almost nominated for an Emmy
- He or she puts it out for funding on a public website and draws in the duckets to get their film made and then some production or distribution company makes them change their film to Found Footage to reduce the cost and / or use their script as an opportunity to use the writer’s personal work as a tax write off or the chance to get really fucking lucky ala Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity
I don’t know how this one worked out but I think “Deborah Logan” would have worked a TON better if it was a straight up movie and not dodgy Found Footage gimmickry.
I think my biggest problem with FF is that – someone is ALWAYS filming. I mean, let’s pretend you and me are out in the woods making a movie. No, not a skin flick, some sort of “red moon rising” type thing. The moon is a Blood Moon and we’re capturing its ascent and such and then something comes growling out of the woods. The SECOND I realized you were off and running I would throw that fucking camera down and run after you and make sure you were safe. In NO WAY would I still be filming while I run the fuck away with you because that fucking camera would be lying in a clearing wherever I dropped it. Don’t argue with me about the use of the camera light. I would go with those flashlights everyone always has that suddenly don’t work or the Zippos every non-smoker always has and do one thing: fucking hide and SHUT UP.
But, I guess that wouldn’t make a good horror movie for the Social Medi-ites these days. Anyway, so this red-haired Southern Belle that you might remember from the move SHUTTER ISLAND that I didn’t like very much (Sorry JB CRY CRY CRY). In Shutter she plays the chained up old, demented woman who, if I recall, shushes people a bit. Here, she’s a nice old lady with Alzheimer’s and that chick with the pony tail in the pic above is doing her thesis on how Alzheimer’s affects her and such and such and shit. But, before too long, she’s growling in French, ripping her own skin off and working a telephone switchboard…. naked in the attic….. Up next are the big spoilers….
You know the Ouroboros – the image of the snake or serpent or dragon eating it’s own tail? Well – that imagery figures in a lot in this movie and, after we learn that it’s not Alzheimer’s and, in fact, she’s possessed by the crabby soul of a dead, local doctor, she steals off with this little girl from the hospital and intends to sacrifice her to the crabby demons of hell. SOMEHOW, this frail wisp of a woman crawls up this mountain in her bare feet, toting the youth, makes her way through a Water Mill, then through hundreds and hundreds of feet of tunnels so tight that you almost need to strip down and lube up your skin to get through them – after all of that, we turn the corner and ——- and!!!!
The old woman is eating the girl’s head.
Oh well – I actually want to give it up to them because I think they fucking TRIED. The plot is good and the old lady acts her ass off but, like most of these movies, everything is just too fucking convenient. Why does that room in the bottom of the modern hospital have no lighting? Why did the lady get naked to operate the switchboard? Does anyone in the target market for this movie know what a switchboard is? How did the human woman’s mouth get big enough to put that child’s head in it? Sure, she was possessed but she didn’t get changed into a snake or anything.
There you go – this isn’t worst movie you could ever watch for free. I could quickly name off a number of movies that are MUCH worse than this. It’s reasonable enough when you’re sick at home on a Tuesday.