Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE TAKING OF DEBORAH LOGAN (2014) THREE TOP HATS

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*There’s going to be big spoilers in this although I doubt you were looking forward to seeing it….*

I think I’ve figured out the secret behind Found Footage (and maybe I’m just behind on the game and everyone else already knows). But I think it works like this:

  • Never before published writer / director writes interesting non Found Footage script
  • He or she shows it to her Liberal Arts College classmate in California who reports it to any of the 135,010 members of the Coppola family during one of their nightly wine orgies and it gets picked up and financed and goes on to compete for Best Picture
  • He or she mentions it to any of the millions of people associated with CBS during a wine cotillion at one of the eternal-always-scarf-weather parks in New York and it gets optioned into a TV movie and gets almost nominated for an Emmy
  • He or she puts it out for funding on a public website and draws in the duckets to get their film made and then some production or distribution company makes them change their film to Found Footage to reduce the cost and / or use their script as an opportunity to use the writer’s personal work as a tax write off or the chance to get really fucking lucky ala Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity

I don’t know how this one worked out but I think “Deborah Logan” would have worked a TON better if it was a straight up movie and not dodgy Found Footage gimmickry.

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I think my biggest problem with FF is that – someone is ALWAYS filming. I mean, let’s pretend you and me are out in the woods making a movie. No, not a skin flick, some sort of “red moon rising” type thing.  The moon is a Blood Moon and we’re capturing its ascent and such and then something comes growling out of the woods. The SECOND I realized you were off and running I would throw that fucking camera down and run after you and make sure you were safe. In NO WAY would I still be filming while I run the fuck away with you because that fucking camera would be lying in a clearing wherever I dropped it. Don’t argue with me about the use of the camera light. I would go with those flashlights everyone always has that suddenly don’t work or the Zippos every non-smoker always has and do one thing: fucking hide and SHUT UP.tdl3

But, I guess that wouldn’t make a good horror movie for the Social Medi-ites these days. Anyway, so this red-haired Southern Belle that you might remember from the move SHUTTER ISLAND that I didn’t like very much (Sorry JB CRY CRY CRY). In Shutter she plays the chained up old, demented woman who, if I recall, shushes people a bit. Here, she’s a nice old lady with Alzheimer’s and that chick with the pony tail in the pic above is doing her thesis on how Alzheimer’s affects her and such and such and shit. But, before too long, she’s growling in French, ripping her own skin off and working a telephone switchboard…. naked in the attic….. Up next are the big spoilers….tdl6

You know the Ouroboros – the image of the snake or serpent or dragon eating it’s own tail? Well – that imagery figures in a lot in this movie and, after we learn that it’s not Alzheimer’s and, in fact, she’s possessed by the crabby soul of a dead, local doctor, she steals off with this little girl from the hospital and intends to sacrifice her to the crabby demons of hell. SOMEHOW, this frail wisp of a woman crawls up this mountain in her bare feet, toting the youth, makes her way through a Water Mill, then through hundreds and hundreds of feet of tunnels so tight that you almost need to strip down and lube up your skin to get through them – after all of that, we turn the corner and ——- and!!!!

The old woman is eating the girl’s head.

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squint

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeah.

Oh well – I actually want to give it up to them because I think they fucking TRIED. The plot is good and the old lady acts her ass off but, like most of these movies, everything is just too fucking convenient. Why does that room in the bottom of the modern hospital have no lighting? Why did the lady get naked to operate the switchboard? Does anyone in the target market for this movie know what a switchboard is? How did the human woman’s mouth get big enough to put that child’s head in it? Sure, she was possessed but she didn’t get changed into a snake or anything.tdl5

There you go – this isn’t worst movie you could ever watch for free. I could quickly name off a number of movies that are MUCH worse than this. It’s reasonable enough when you’re sick at home on a Tuesday.

37 comments

  1. Dear SSC,

    Great write up. Your second paragraph? TOTALLY IN AGREEMENT (of course). That’s why we might just survive these kinds of things, though it is also why people will think we are batshit if we ARE fortunate enough to survive it all. 😛

    I know you didn’t like Shutter Island, but I had a lot of fun with that one!

    I am sure you could list a whole lot of far superior films. Not difficult for you xD

    Love,

    Almost Free JB

    Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      No one in America calls in sick on a Wednesday without having called in Monday and Tuesday so if you’re calling in Wednesday I suggest you go to the doctor and get some antibiotics. I know the concept of getting medicine for your ailments escapes The British but, really, it’s ok.

      Wanker!

      #DoTheProperBritishThing

      : )

      Like

      • Wait. I’m confused. Does this mean you called in “sick” on Monday as well?? What if you’re sick on a Thursday? Do you automatically get the Friday off as well? Wednesday is my biggest sick day! My company keeps a “sickness graph” for each of us. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I was actually on vacation Monday which was timely since the temperature here dropped fifty degrees the last Tuesday and everyone got sick. On Monday night I got around two hours of cough filled sleep – on the couch – so I convalesced on the new Tuesday . On Wednesday I went back to work but, since it’s the holidays, no one works on my floor so I couldn’t get anyone sick. But there were still people pooping in my bathroom.

        Like

  2. Lem

    Wait, how can it be “No Boobs” and “old Boobs” – does the No Boobs imply some age categorization, No Boobs Under 60? Yes Boobs over 65? These are the questions we stay up nights worrying about.

    Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      LOL!!!!

      I think I meant to tag this with “Old Butts” but the auto spell in the tagging machine auto filled it HAHAHAHAHA!!!

      Happy Day, Lemuel!

      Here’s to steak and shrimp!

      Like

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