Isaacs Picture Conclusions

DELIVERANCE (1972) FOUR TOP HATS

HAPPY THANKSGIVING for those of you Most Beloveds who celebrate it!!! Here’s a Thanksgiving cornucopia of fun, just for you!!!

*Note – sensitive readers might avoid this post as it involves the topic of unwanted sex*DELV1Has anyone seen this? Here’s my story. When I was a kid, Superman came out. The first one with Christopher Reeve. And Gene Hackman and Ned Beatty. All of us kids fucking loved it and we went zooming around our front yards with our arms out in front of us flying around like a bunch of monkeys and eating ice cream sticks from the Ice Cream Man, trying to find that special stick with the star on it which would get you a free ice cream stick and building forts out of couch cushions and looking at skin mags stolen from out of my uncle’s drawer with a flashlight. I don’t remember who it was that brought the news to our group but, apparently Otis, (from Superman – Beatty) made a movie where he got fucked in the butt.

DELV2

Where I came from and back when I was a kid, man on man sex was pretty taboo. I was taught that it was bad and so was Seducing Yourself and so was cussing and so was farting in church. These days, I couldn’t give a fuck who you want to have sex with or who you want to marry or whether or not you want to worship something – just don’t try and pressure me with anything – but I remember watching this – maybe at 12 or 13 – and being all OOOOOOHHHHMMMYYYYYYGGGGGGAAAWWWWWDDDDD at the big event in this and didn’t finish it. I remember I thought it was really cool that Burt Reynolds came through with that bow and arrow and all, but stopped my VHS for some reason and never finished. Then, a few months ago, I ordered up a bunch of Netflix suggestions and here we are.DELV3So, when I was first thinking about how to do this post, I was thinking of addressing the topic of “rape”. Because I don’t fucking understand it. I understand that it happens and it FUCKING SUCKS but I don’t understand the people that do it. And, in no way do I take it lightly. I am VERY VERY protective of my the people I like and I will hurt everyone if anyone harms them – but – I don’t get it….

I mean – as far as I know, the big deal about this movie is that Ned Beatty gets popped in the butt without his consent. Got it. You don’t actually see him getting nailed (It’s whatshisname’s face while listening to it) but, the entire time I was thinking this:

How is someone so fucking horny that they want to fuck a muddy, fat guy in his stinky butt, in the woods?? What about the mosquitos? And the ants? And the spiders? Is he SO taken with lust over the thought of entering this stranger that he doesn’t care if a spider bites his sack? I KNOW that The Big R is an act of violence and not lust BUT – as a man – I know that… to have intercourse… you still need to get a…. Stiff One.

DELV4

So, being the classy guy that I am, I reached out to my friends for some help and asked them this question:

For the guys: If you and your buddy were out hunting in the woods and came across two complete strangers – IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WOODS – would your FIRST instinct be to chase one down and put your weenie in his butthole??

For the ladies: If you and your girlfriend were out hunting in the woods and came across two complete strangers – IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WOODS – would your FIRST instinct be to go shove something up one of their buttholes??

And, for posterity, I have recorded their answers here, starting with mine:

Me:

Fuck if I ever want to put my fucking dong in a sweaty man’s butthole

Luke:

YES

JB:

In all honesty, it would not occur to me to jam something up a stranger’s butthole in the middle of the woods. I am not creepy like that… unless the stranger was fucking hot, then I’d put him down in my basement for recreational purposes safekeeping until someone comes looking for him, but no, still no jamming anything up buttholes (anywhere, ever)…

Skeletor:

Anyway. Since I am a chick: First of all, I don’t hunt things. If I want meat I buy it in the store, and I don’t believe in killing innocent animals unless you plan to eat them. So, if I was walking in the woods, which I would likely NOT be doing, because FUCK all of those SPIDERS….I would probably be ready to get the fuck out. Bugs, ewwww. Spiders, FUCK those. Mosquitoes, no thanks, West Nile virus. Itchy weeds. Ticks biting my crotch. Sweaty swamp ass in my pants. Boob sweat. Get me the fuck out of there! If I had a friend with me, I’m sure she’d feel the same way.

But IF I WAS walking in the woods because I had absolutely nothing better to do with my time: There is a small chance I could have stumbled across two incredibly unattractive men who looked dumb as fuck. One of them could definitely have been fat and sweaty. Sweatier than ME, which is pretty hard to beat. I probably would have tried to ignore them and walk by, and they would have inevitably started talking to me, because I apparently have a face that dumbass people like to strike up conversations with. In my head, I’d think, “fuck off! fuck off! fuck off!” just like I do every day to everyone ALL THE TIME, but they probably wouldn’t shut the fuck up. They would probably keep talking….and talking….and talking….until finally, I’d had it. Because they wouldn’t shut the fuck up, there is a high possibility that one of them may or may not have gotten a stick shoved up their sweaty butthole. You know, hypothetically. But mostly because they irritated me. Not because it turned me on. Plus, a stick doesn’t really qualify as a boner, because it’s only stiff because it was born that way, not because it was attracted to a sweaty fat guy, in the woods, IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

So that’s the answer to that question. Now, if I had stumbled across a hot sweaty Tom Hardy in the woods….this would be a very different story. #droolface #skittleflavoredjizzum #stickinMYass #what?!

Anna Film Grimoire:

My answer is: My first instinct wouldn’t be to put something in one of their buttholes. My first instinct would probably be to ask them for directions to get the heckerson out of the woods. I haven’t spent time in the woods since watching Wolf Creek because that’s the kind of backpacker murdering shiz that happens here on the regular.

Kloipy:

I would at LEAST take them out to eat first.

Snap Crackle Watch:

HMMMMM First of all I would never ever be hunting in the woods with my girlfriends. Hell no! I can’t even camp, let alone hunt. My first instinct my first instinct would be to run or shoot him. I am definitely not touching some strange guy’s ass in the woods

The Hauntingly Beautiful yet Terrifying Madame Weebles:

Here are my thoughts. I would rather perform my own intestinal surgery than go hunting in the woods. So IF I were to go hunting in the woods, it would mean that I was terminally insane and who knows what I might do. Having said that, my first instinct would not, in fact, be to shove something up the butthole of any stranger I might encounter. If I want a man to squeal like a pig, I’ll just show him my rack.

Brian:

For the guys: If you and your buddy were out hunting in the woods and came across two complete strangers – IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WOODS – would your FIRST instinct be to chase one down and put your weenie in his butthole??

One day I was out in the Pine Barrens hunting for Jersey Devils with John Oates of Hall & Oates fame. We weren’t having much luck, and I was starting to wonder if the little bastards even existed. “Oh, they fucking exist,” Oates said. “They’re fucking maneaters.” I rolled my eyes and said for the hundredth time that day, “That’s great, Oates.” That asshole was constantly referencing his songs at every opportunity. It’s neat at first, but really starts to get on your nerves after awhile. “Look, it’s gonna be dark soon and we’re not having any luck,” I told him. “Let’s just call it a day.” Oates look at me with intense disdain. “I can’t go for that,” he said, and pressed forward. Mother fucker. I still to this day don’t know why he wanted to bag a Jersey Devil so badly, but I think deep down he blamed them for the breakup of the band, for some reason.

As we neared a clearing, Oates stopped dead in his tracks. “There!” he whisper-shouted, directly into my ear. Standing in the clearing were two disheveled men who appeared to be cooking something. I whipped out the binoculars I had with me in case we came across any female nudist colonies. “Dude, they’re making meth,” I said. “We’d better get out of here.” “NO!” he whisper-shouted directly into my ear again, which still rings to this day. “They’re fucking Jersey Devils in clever disguises. Don’t you see?” I shook my head, “John, they’re just meth-heads. How do you not see that?” John looked at me with intense disdain again. “You’re out of touch,” he said. “Use your private eyes.” I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, but suddenly I had the overwhelming urge to run. As if sensing this, Oates put his hand on my shoulder. “There’s only one way to know for sure,” he said. “We have to fuck them. It’s the only way to surprise them and make them reveal their true form…”

“I’m sorry, John,” I said. “But now it is I who is the one who can’t go for that.” I took off, hearing him yell, “Every time you go away!” As I ran, I heard shouting, gunfire, screams, then muffled grunts, then an eerie rendition of “Rich Girl.” Six hours later, I found the spot where the car should have been, but it was gone. In its place was a pile of singed leaves arranged to look exactly like Oates’s mustache. in the center was a note, written on what appeared to be a patch of the pants that one of the meth-heads was wearing. As I picked it up, it became clear that it was some kind of list, with every item but the last checked off:
-Become one with the forest.
-Locate the elusive Jersey Devils
-Share the gift of sweet love with them
-Become their master
-KILL THEM ALL
-Achieve a state of higher being via the spells of the Ancient Ones
-Your kiss…

And that was when the darkness took me.

***

Aside from all of that helpful insight into the minds of our friends, this was actually a pretty good movie even if we just talked about the butthole sex scene the entire time:

DELV7

35 comments

  1. Somehow I keep missing all of these rando questions of yours… :/ But I’m not sure how I would’ve responded to this, so maybe it’s for the best. Bahaha. I think Luke’s response in that scary ass writing might be my favorite.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh boy I’ll never forgot that weird kid in the beginning playing the banjo. I just had to look him up right now and yes he’s still just as ugly and weird looking. Love all the comments, glad that all the pals got together and discussed shoving stuff up people’s butts. It’s like we were sitting around a camp fire, roasting marshmallows and wieners and discussing the finer points of life. Nice!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. nicolenevermind76

    Yeah… the list of shit I’d rather do than violate some poor muddy, sweaty guy’s butthole in the middle of the mosquito filled woods without his consent is widely varied and nigh endless! (Then again, I’m not a sick, sad, self-centered sack of shit so I don’t have a desire to do anything sexual to someone without their consent. I’ve got better shit to do. Like watch terrible horror movies and sing to my hedgehogs! 😀 )

    Liked by 1 person

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