We’re rolling out a new feature here today, Most Beloveds! One in which I ask Luke to describe a film he’s never seen, based solely on the images I uploaded. Today we present Bug – a strange little movie from back in 2006. Have you seen it?? Let’s see what Luke thinks about it below. Like the new feature? Luke hasn’t asked me to go steady yet so I don’t think we’re exclusive at this point so let me know if you’d like to be involved in a future installment in the comments or email me at @ ei@theipc.me : ) Away we go!

A new Eric Isaacs feature is a scary place to be. It is like watching a horror movie where you’re not entirely sure what it is about yet. Am I about to be attacked by vampires? Zombies? Rose Leslie as a… Honeymoon thing? However, like every horror movie character (haven’t figured out which stereotype I am yet: the nerd, the slut, the idiot or Rose Leslie?), I will suck it up and dive into the fray. So, I have been asked to describe this movie Bug, using only the pictures below as clues. Going from the title, I am guessing this is either a horror movie about centipedes or perhaps a prequel to Bug’s Life. I am hoping for the latter.

Okay, so here is the title page. Look’s like I am right about the horror thing. However, I don’t think it is about bugs anymore, but a movie where Michael Shannon lives in your face. That is the worst kind of evil.

Oh no! We are off to a bad start for Ashley Judd. Michael Shannon has stolen her clothes and she has to fend off this evil in nothing but her pyjamas. Hopefully, that silk will be pretty tough to get a grip on. I am hoping Ashley Judd manages to slip out of Shannon’s grasp. Or at the very least, slip out of something else…

She is having a tough time of it. Assuming Eric has given me these photos in chronological order, this could be the exposition part of the movie. Ashley Judd has a tough life and she needs to overcome her problems (Alcoholism? Michael Shannon? Facing winter in silk pyjamas?), using the movie monster as a plot device for conquering her demons. Oh crap, I am watching a Tom Cruise movie!

Oh dear… here is the ‘bug?’ of the piece, Mickey Shannon. That is not a nice face. It looks like a predator locking onto his prey, while that prey is wearing silk pyjamas. We all know that Michael Shannon has a habit of exploding at any given moment (emotionally exploding! calm down, ladies!), so this could turn into a pretty nasty plot development for poor old Judd.

More sad, dramatic face. I am pretty sure this movie has been set in the same room, since we started. I am only five pictures in and even I am getting a little bored. Luckily, I used my mind drifting away to come up with a nice phrase ‘Get your Judds out for the lads!’ It’s copyrighted by the Oracle of Film, so you can’t use it outside of WordPress, though.

Even Ashley Judd is getting bored that the two characters haven’t left the room yet. Michael Shannon helpfully suggests a game of ‘Shadow Puppets’, but this has frustrated Judd even more. And to think, she bought those silk pyjamas especially for this.

What the Zod just happened? We went from dull shadow puppets to Michael Shannon getting a pretty nasty rash (remember – safe sex, people!). I don’t understand how it happened. They didn’t leave the room, yet the bugs still got in. The best explanation I have for this is that they have a very over-enthusiastic make-up guy. When the manic scar painting wasn’t enough, he went and covered the entire set in tin foil.

Ashley: The bugs… they grabbed my silk dress and it slipped right off.

Shannon: Get your Judds out for the lads!

Ashley: Did you just explode?

Thank you for watching Bug. This movie was brought to you by Screenkicker Sausages. Small, but they’ve got a bite to them!

So in conclusion, Bug is a movie where nothing happens for three quarters of the film, right up until Michael Shannon gets a rash and everyone goes pear-shaped. In other words, I think I just watched Oculus again.