Isaacs Picture Conclusions

NO ONE LIVES (2012) THREE TOP HATS

*SPOILERS*

NOL1

A couple of years ago our old, vanished friend Tyson made a post about this calling it pretty good and rambling on and on about how much he liked it. He said something like “This is really good and gory and I loved it so much that I want to mate with it” and added “I’ve never seen a better film in my entire life and anyone that doesn’t agree with me is an ignorant fuck” and finished with “This is the greatest movie ever made BY FAR and nothing will ever exceed its quality or value”. He then pooped in his pants and threw his own feces at us for doubting him and then he went off and disappeared. So, a couple of weeks ago I had the day off and couldn’t think of anything better to do and I watched this and…. it was all right.NOL2

I thought the start of this thing was pretty stupid as we open to a girl in her tee shirt and panties is running screaming through the woods. As it happens to all of us, she steps on a trap and is swung into the air swinging around like a cowboy’s lasso. When she bumps into this particular tree, instead of trying to cling to it and save her life, she carves “EMMA IS ALIVE” into its bark and then we open up the credits.

TERGWe cut to  gang of banditos, lead by Lee Tergesen (from Oz the TV show). They are robbing a house while the owners are away. The owners show up and one of the robbers blows them away, proving how bad ass and vicious his shit is. Actually, after the credits we MIGHT have cut to a couple of half naked heterosexuals getting ready to do The Sex in a hotel. Either way, those two sequences occur next to each other and the result of these to highly profound pieces of cinema result in a big confrontation between the the couple that made The Sex and these evil bad guys in a restaurant near a hotel.
NOL5

The tough mother fucker that shot the rich couple does his best Alpha Dog interpretation and hits on this man’s squeeze ↑. Not to be intimidated, Blue Shirt there doesn’t back down but a slight shake of the head from his old lady backs him off. “Let’s go, Cockface” says Tergesen, and the crisis is avoided. Later, at their secluded home in the middle of nowhere, Tergesen tells Cockface that he owes him money because of the robbery he fucked up earlier so Cockface does what all normal people would do, he runs Blue Shirt and Shake Head off of the road, kidnaps them and one of the thugs threatens to kill Shake Head. Oh – you also get to see America Olivo’s tits, if that’s what you’ve been looking for your entire life. God damn she’s a terrible actress.NOL4

So, Shake Head commits suicide by pushing her throat down on the guy’s knife which spurs Blue Shirt to escape his handcuffs and murder Knife Guy. Later, Cockface comes back to get Blue Shirt but all he finds is the dead girl his buddy’s dead body. In the big Money Shot for this movie, after they dump his friend’s body in a shed, Blue Shirt CRAWLS OUT of the dead man’s corpse. That’s right. After he killed the guy with the knife, he hid himself INSIDE the man’s body. I have a feeling you’re either going to think that bit is totally stupid and laughable or – well – it’s pretty silly and unbelievable. I did like this girl although her name escapes me.NOL6

All in all I thought this was OK – if you can get over the fact that a man hides himself inside a dead body. This really was pretty bloody and the concept about kidnapping a lethal killing machine was new but…. it’s OK I guess…

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