This entry is NSFW and submitted by:
*MASSIVE SPOILERS*
I rented this movie a while back because: it was NEW and because it’s got an actor I find enjoyable in it. It started off OK and then it got pretty shitty and unbelievable quick. I really didn’t think this would be a SHITFEST entry but…. here’s how it went…..
There are three protagonists in this piece of shit. Pornstache from Orange is the New Black:
A total meathead that you will absolutely hate:
And a frail, pale redhead that is SOMEHOW the wife of the meathead:
There’s also a dog that you know is going to get killed at some point. These three decide to go hunting and blah blah blah kill a deer, wax philosophical – “Man is the only animal that kills for fun” says Pornstache – get drunk and pass out. SOMEHOW, in the middle of the night, three people come in and steal everything but the clothes on their backs – including their fucking tent – AND the dog – and no one wakes up1. Off they go in their stocking feet to get back to the car when – for some unknown reason – Meathead accuses his own brother of doing this to them all so they get in a fistfight.
After they split ways, Pornstache finds his dog suspended 300 feet in the air and gets shot at. Using his Afghanistan War Vet training, he sneaks into the deer blind, stabs the assassin in the calf and knocks him out by punching him the head several times with the butt of his gun. Stupidly, he turns his back to the dude and begins to reload the weapon. In the worst kind of fashion ever, they person isn’t knocked out and when Pornstache turns around he gets stabbed in the gut2.
Elsewhere, Meathead and Redhead are looking for the car and Meathead steps on his own beartrap that he set earlier. Holing up in the ranger station, he decides that he is going to make a diversion while she – the frail pregnant woman – is going to go scale a cliff using just her hands and feet to get to their car where she will hotwire it and go for help. So what does he do?? He hobbles off screaming “I’m here! I’m here!” and goes and hides in a port-o-potty where he would surely and immediately be trapped, making this the worst decision ever made by a human being.
Inside the stinky shithouse, he gets stabbed at through the walls until he’s finally had enough and climbs out the top. He then gets the upper hand on his idiot attacker who didn’t see him climb out of the top of the port-o-potty, wrestles him, subdues him, then turns his back on the situation and what happens?? He gets fucking shot is what3.
Elsewhere, Redhead makes it to the top of the cliff and calls Meathead on their walkie talkies they stole from the ranger station. Even though Meathead was shot and the gunshot was heard throughout the valley, he picks up and says he’s dying. “Meathead, where are you??” Redhead asks and, somehow over the phone, she diagnosis a problem she doesn’t know he has and realizes he’s dying so she sings him a goddamned fucking lullaby even though three masked killers are hunting her down.
I won’t go into the entire plot here but, at one point the frail, redheaded, wisp of a woman has turned into a mercenary type and has offed two of the kids. As the last one goes, the kid is riding by on his bike so, hanging from a tree, she manages to capture him by the neck with the jumper cables from the car, strangle him a bit and then he cocks her on the head with his gun. Stunned, she turns her back to the guy to grab his rifle that he dropped and – SUR-FUCKING-PRISE, he bangs her on the head with something and she’s knocked out cold.
I know I said I would stop, but I’ve had a few cocktails and I can’t shut up so I thought I’d address one more thing. Tied to a picnic bench with the aforementioned jumper cables, the guy makes a bunch of dramatic throat slitting gestures with his hunting knife, then slowly pulls up her shirt to reveal her ivory stomach and proceeds to do some of those fancy “fake stabs” to build tension. Right when he’s about to gut her like the deer they gutted earlier, in mid-stab his cell phone rings, so he stops, answers and it’s his mom. While he’s explaining that he’ll be home for soccer practice soon, she saws her way through a thick-ass copper and plastic jumper cable —- with her wedding ring4
I guess I better wrap this up by saying that the end to this movie is actually, physically embarrassing and I kind of feel bad for the redheaded, wisp of a woman turned mercenary that had to act it out. #anothergoddamnlullaby
I really can’t believe how stupid this was…. Poor Pornstache
#pornstache
1You can’t make the argument that the dog was killed while they slept. HOURS later, when they find the dog hanging 300 feet from the ground, it’s dripping blood on Pornstache’s face. The blood would have either all been gone or dried up.
2After the big reveal that the killers are, in fact, video game playing teenagers, this makes this scene absolutely ridiculous that the Army trained war guy didn’t kill the kid when he hit him with the gun or even less than knock him out. Plus, I think this was the kid that had the asthma.
3Again, after the big reveal that these are teenagers I guess either this grown man is terribly weak or maybe the teenager is superboy.
4BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULSHIT
Because this movie was SO bad and this post was too long – here’s a gift to you for reading it:
Dear Chop,
This truly looks like a sorry excuse for a film. Shame! Good way to kick off Shitfest.
Hope Mark takes that NSFW under advisement this time… it’s a bit raunchier than the last time he got bust xD
Love,
JJB
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Dear PJB,
I couldn’t believe how ridiculous it was. It had such a good idea too but it was just…. sorry all the way around…..
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!! I hope he doesn’t pull that one up on his bus ride home HAHAHAHAHA
Love,
ISC
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Dear SSC,
We will have to await his verdict 😛
Love,
JJB
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Dearest IJB,
If we don’t hear from him we’ll have to hunt him down like the masked killers we are.
#PreservationSucked
Love,
PSC
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Wow, you crack me up, man! Can’t wait to not watch this movie. Thanks for the Eva Green gift. If I was a guy I’d be much more appreciative, trust me. Nice gesture, though 🙂 Go, Shitfest 2015!
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I try!!
This one was a real stinker – that’s for sure : (
You are VERY welcome for the green present. I understand if you want to return it. I’m sure you’ve met Zoe by now – she’s not afraid to counter those GIFs out here…
SHITFEST FOREVER!
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Fantastic way to kick start SHITFEST Eric! Love your review, hilarious as always 🙂
My favourite line – “at one point the frail, redheaded, wisp of a woman has turned into a mercenary type” what? And you DIDN’T like this movie?!
And your pictures / gifs will get me into trouble at work one day!!!
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THANKS PEN!!!
LOL – you would just croak watching this thing…. I think my favorite line was something about her ivory stomach HAHAHA
As for your last sentence: #penisonthesmartphone
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HA!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds like a bad romance novel 🙂
(not that I would know! Ahem!)
I will send you my entry by tomorrow morning (UK time!) WITHOUT FAIL I promise.
haha! #penisdry
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AHEM!!
Are you pulling on my leg????
#steamyromance
I can’t wait!!! I’ll be waiting by the phone!
#peniswaiting
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Yeah I am pulling your leg!!! I don’t read romance novels, things aren’t that bad….yet!!! ha ha ha 🙂
Shitfest is even going to make coming into work marginally better! I am excited to read entries each day 😀
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I KNEW IT!!!!
Shitfest is the best!! And it’s good for you!
#shitfest
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It’s blowing away the February blues!!!! 😀
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YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!
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The meathead husband of the frail pregnant lady is from Mad Men! So that’s two people from excellent television shows in what sounds like one extremely sub par film. How does that even happen?!
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It was really not going very well and then it lost all cred when she sawed through the jumper cables with her wedding ring… I think my eyes rolled out of my head….
OITNB is a great show!
#shitfesties
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How unfortunate….this was on my must see list. A shitty start to SHITFEST….and I mean that in a shitty good way.
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Well – as you know – I always say to each their own but…… this was shit.
Happy JizzButt Day!
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When’s JizzButtFest?
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Isn’t it always JizzButtFest out here??
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what a Shitty review!!! 🙂
finally sent you my entry, let me know that you got it and all is well because some of the files are quite large
SHITFEST RULES!!!
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Hey Rob!
I see the emails in there but I haven’t tried to tackle them yet – I just got up and am still sleepy.
SHITFEST FOREVER!
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Great. Let me know when u verify that all is good. Go back to sleep! !!
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I certainly will!
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Sweet dreams full of shitfest! 😉
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LOL!
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Eva Green ❤
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We aim to please out here!
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This is probably going to be an unpopular, minority opinion, but I think Eva Green has nice boobs.
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I think we’re definitely in the minority here….
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May I join in on this minority party thing going on?
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Nope, too many members.
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Dammit. I knew it might get overcrowded…
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I’m sure we can make some sort of accommodation = you don’t take up too much space.
#LowFives
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#LowFives
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#GoGoBuffalo
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Wow! That looks….. shitty.
Also, Eva Green is a goddess! Is that a gif from Camelot or something else?
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It was pretty awful!!
She sure sure is – it’s a gif from 300: Rise of an Empire!
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That should also make an entry into Shitfest – that movie was pure garbage.
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It’s not too late!
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Pappy!!!
Shitfest forever!
#pornstache
Kidney
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Kidney!!!
#Shitest4Life
Pappy!
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I appreciate the gift 😀
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my pleasure!!
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Yay. Shitfest. Well, this movie sounds like a good place to start. 🙂
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A comment! Thanks!! You are very sweet!
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Yes. Comments are nice. 😉
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Comments are fun : )
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Hey i didn’t know it was Shitfest time! Why wasn’t i warned????
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You were! A dozen times! You paid no attention you Irish bastard!
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I need to be seduced into these things, plus i wasn’t around much in January 😦
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I’m not going to fucking seduce you!!!!!
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Not acceptable, Mike! You must comment on our blogs EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail! 😉 (not that I’ve visited yours lately… Lol…)
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Nice commen
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It’s not a spoiler to say that it’s a steaming pile of doo-doo I’m guessing?
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It is doo-doo. Not much of a pile though – more like a puddle of doo-doo.
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Sounds like a beautiful film. Can’t wait to see it.
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Gramma – you’ll absolutely love it!
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Think I’ll avoid this movie. At least you have the decency to review the film and give us some Eva Green at the end.
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Good call!! And – you’re very welcome!
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I mean who doesn’t love a bit of Eva Green? She’s so gorgeous.
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She’s ABSOLUTELY smokin!!
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Couldn’t agree with you more.
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High Fives!
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I nearly rented this the other day. Thanks for taking that bullet for me, dude!
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We could have had dueling Shitfest entries!
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Guess I’ll be taking this off my to-see list… And I’ve been staring at that gif for much too long… 😉
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You know what – I’m having a crabby day but this comment just made me laugh so – THANK YOU!
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Glad to be of service. If you need me again, I’ll be here with Miss Green…
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Now I’m glad to be of service!!
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This sounds weird and disgusting… totally shitfest material. And that meathead dude he plays a dork on Mad Men. Is it weird that I kind of like pornstache dude?!
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Pornstache is awesome! You are justified!
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THANKS! haha, are you still taking entries? I saw a horrible HORRIBLE piece of trash movie that would be great for this. Let me know. 🙂
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I sure am Number One Baller!!!
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Ok cool I am going to put something together for you. My first shitfest entry what what!
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WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!
#FuckYeah
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Nice kickoff post here, Giantess!!! Sounds SHIT!!! You do love you some Eva Green, huh? You realize this gif is going to get soooooo many retaliation gifs of pretty men…right? 😉
#SHITFEST4EVA
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SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????????
#whathaveistarted
#midwestperv
#probiesforever
#youstrumpet
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#gifwar
#takesonetoknowone
#foreverandever
#youtrollop
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I’m sure you’ll be shocked to learn that I’ve seen this. It is shit. It also illustrates perfectly my belief that the only people who have never seen a horror film EVER are those in them*.
*Scream being the obvious exception.
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All good points!
Say – I don’t know if you’ve been looking at it, but I tweeted you a movie I think you might like the other day. Camp Massacre. It’s not at all good but I think you’d appreciate it : )
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https://vinnieh.wordpress.com/2015/02/09/my-third-liebster-award/
I nominated you for an award.
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THANKS!!!
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