Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015: PRESERVATION (2014)

SHITFEST2015

This entry is NSFW and submitted by:

theipclogo1

*MASSIVE SPOILERS*

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I rented this movie a while back because: it was NEW and because it’s got an actor I find enjoyable in it. It started off OK and then it got pretty shitty and unbelievable quick. I really didn’t think this would be a SHITFEST entry but…. here’s how it went…..

There are three protagonists in this piece of shit. Pornstache from Orange is the New Black:

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A total meathead that you will absolutely hate:

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And a frail, pale redhead that is SOMEHOW the wife of the meathead:

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There’s also a dog that you know is going to get killed at some point. These three decide to go hunting and blah blah blah kill a deer, wax philosophical – “Man is the only animal that kills for fun” says Pornstache – get drunk and pass out. SOMEHOW, in the middle of the night, three people come in and steal everything but the clothes on their backs – including their fucking tent – AND the dog – and no one wakes up1. Off they go in their stocking feet to get back to the car when – for some unknown reason – Meathead accuses his own brother of doing this to them all so they get in a fistfight.

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After they split ways, Pornstache finds his dog suspended 300 feet in the air and gets shot at. Using his Afghanistan War Vet training, he sneaks into the deer blind, stabs the assassin in the calf and knocks him out by punching him the head several times with the butt of his gun. Stupidly, he turns his back to the dude and begins to reload the weapon. In the worst kind of fashion ever, they person isn’t knocked out and when Pornstache turns around he gets stabbed in the gut2.

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Elsewhere, Meathead and Redhead are looking for the car and Meathead steps on his own beartrap that he set earlier. Holing up in the ranger station, he decides that he is going to make a diversion while she – the frail pregnant woman – is going to go scale a cliff using just her hands and feet to get to their car where she will hotwire it and go for help. So what does he do?? He hobbles off screaming “I’m here! I’m here!” and goes and hides in a port-o-potty where he would surely and immediately be trapped, making this the worst decision ever made by a human being.

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Inside the stinky shithouse, he gets stabbed at through the walls until he’s finally had enough and climbs out the top. He then gets the upper hand on his idiot attacker who didn’t see him climb out of the top of the port-o-potty, wrestles him, subdues him, then turns his back on the situation and what happens?? He gets fucking shot is what3.

Elsewhere, Redhead makes it to the top of the cliff and calls Meathead on their walkie talkies they stole from the ranger station. Even though Meathead was shot and the gunshot was heard throughout the valley, he picks up and says he’s dying. “Meathead, where are you??” Redhead asks and, somehow over the phone, she diagnosis a problem she doesn’t know he has and realizes he’s dying so she sings him a goddamned fucking lullaby even though three masked killers are hunting her down.

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I won’t go into the entire plot here but, at one point the frail, redheaded, wisp of a woman has turned into a mercenary type and has offed two of the kids. As the last one goes, the kid is riding by on his bike so, hanging from a tree, she manages to capture him by the neck with the jumper cables from the car, strangle him a bit and then he cocks her on the head with his gun. Stunned, she turns her back to the guy to grab his rifle that he dropped and – SUR-FUCKING-PRISE, he bangs her on the head with something and she’s knocked out cold.

I know I said I would stop, but I’ve had a few cocktails and I can’t shut up so I thought I’d address one more thing. Tied to a picnic bench with the aforementioned jumper cables, the guy makes a bunch of dramatic throat slitting gestures with his hunting knife, then slowly pulls up her shirt to reveal her ivory stomach and proceeds to do some of those fancy “fake stabs” to build tension. Right when he’s about to gut her like the deer they gutted earlier, in mid-stab his cell phone rings, so he stops, answers and it’s his mom. While he’s explaining that he’ll be home for soccer practice soon, she saws her way through a thick-ass copper and plastic jumper cable —- with her wedding ring4

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I guess I better wrap this up by saying that the end to this movie is actually, physically embarrassing and I kind of feel bad for the redheaded, wisp of a woman turned mercenary that had to act it out. #anothergoddamnlullaby

I really can’t believe how stupid this was…. Poor Pornstache

#pornstache 

1You can’t make the argument that the dog was killed while they slept. HOURS later, when they find the dog hanging 300 feet from the ground, it’s dripping blood on Pornstache’s face. The blood would have either all been gone or dried up.

2After the big reveal that the killers are, in fact, video game playing teenagers, this makes this scene absolutely ridiculous that the Army trained war guy didn’t kill the kid when he hit him with the gun or even less than knock him out. Plus, I think this was the kid that had the asthma.

3Again, after the big reveal that these are teenagers I guess either this grown man is terribly weak or maybe the teenager is superboy.

4BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULSHIT

Because this movie was SO bad and this post was too long – here’s a gift to you for reading it:

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83 comments

  1. Zoë

    Dear Chop,

    This truly looks like a sorry excuse for a film. Shame! Good way to kick off Shitfest.

    Hope Mark takes that NSFW under advisement this time… it’s a bit raunchier than the last time he got bust xD

    Love,

    JJB

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • theipc

      I try!!

      This one was a real stinker – that’s for sure : (

      You are VERY welcome for the green present. I understand if you want to return it. I’m sure you’ve met Zoe by now – she’s not afraid to counter those GIFs out here…

      SHITFEST FOREVER!

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
  3. emmakwall

    Fantastic way to kick start SHITFEST Eric! Love your review, hilarious as always 🙂

    My favourite line – “at one point the frail, redheaded, wisp of a woman has turned into a mercenary type” what? And you DIDN’T like this movie?!

    And your pictures / gifs will get me into trouble at work one day!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      It was really not going very well and then it lost all cred when she sawed through the jumper cables with her wedding ring… I think my eyes rolled out of my head….

      OITNB is a great show!

      #shitfesties

      Like

      Reply
  21. Laura

    I’m sure you’ll be shocked to learn that I’ve seen this. It is shit. It also illustrates perfectly my belief that the only people who have never seen a horror film EVER are those in them*.

    *Scream being the obvious exception.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      All good points!

      Say – I don’t know if you’ve been looking at it, but I tweeted you a movie I think you might like the other day. Camp Massacre. It’s not at all good but I think you’d appreciate it : )

      Like

      Reply

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