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THE BATTLE OF MIDDLE EARTH: WHEN SHEER GREED DESTROYS COMMON SENSE
So I’m sitting here in my new office, thinking happy thoughts in general, when I remember that my dear Pappy’s Shitfest is on the horizon.
WHAT TO CHOOSE? The options seemed endless. So much Shit everywhere, right? I had to narrow it down – with options like Ghost of Girlfriend’s Past, Vampire Academy and I,Frankenstein, I had enough to bitch about for the rest of my life – and believe me I do at every available occasion.
But I had to choose a movie that had offended me so badly that I took a personal offense at the mere mention of its existence. Something that would get me to make a banner that I would take to cinemas and stop people from buying tickets because it was so atrocious. Well, fuck, the only obvious choice was The Hobbit: The Battle of The Five Armies. The shit that offended me so much I wanted to fly to Hollywood and go smack Peter Jackson around.
It is so shit I promise to hide any movie merchandise I see in shops – DVDs, music scores, puzzles, cornflakes with little hobbit figures in – it will all go behind other worthier things like Coco Pops and Taylor Swift CDs (I fucking hate her music, so you know) I hate this shit so much that I snort unlady-like when people mention it. Why do I hate this movie so much????
If the four question marks didn’t alert you, I really, really hate The Hobbit: The Battle of The Five Armies. WHY? Because I know the pure magic that was created with the Lord of the Rings franchise. I can answer nearly every LoTR question you have, movie or book. I can discuss everything that went down because I’ve probably watched it three hundred and seventy five million times. To bring my point across, I present: THE BATTLE OF MIDDLE EARTH: THE RETURN OF THE KING VS. THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES
DISCUSSION POINT 1: 3 MOVIES VS 3 MOVIES
I’m not even going to say anything, just put in pics and my point will be understood.
Or here is a (very bad) picture of my own copies of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit Books:
DISCUSSION POINT 2: THE “SEQUEL” DISEASE: HOBBIT VS LOTR
One of the great diseases of our time is the quality decline of prequels/tree-quels (what the fuck do you call the third instalment of a franchise?) and so forth. In the Lord of the Rings, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. In fact, you can see an improvement from The Fellowship of the Ring to the Return of the King (you will have to look closely because The Fellowship is already pretty great).
Then you get The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. It is not a rotten movie at all. It doesn’t come close to any of the LoTR movies, but of the Hobbit franchise it is the one I will watch if I am forced. Quite frankly The Desolation of Smaug is all about walking and Thorin losing his temper twenty five times and an elvin-dwarf love story and some Orcs and Gandalf getting caught in Dol Guldur. etc. If that movie hadn’t existed this franchise could have been saved with a solid final movie. It should have been split into the first and third movie because that movie feels like it was just there for the cash. Then you get to The Battle of The Five Armies, the worst of the three. I still can’t understand how such a massive budget can give such a horrible result. The Battle of The Five armies comes with overwhelming CGI, insincere characters and a very drawn out plot. Plus googly eyes passing between elves and dwarves.
DISCUSSION POINT 3: BUT COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE CHILDREN?
How does Kili and Tauriel plan to reproduce? Can two different species make babies? I want to go back and ask my biology teacher because I, nearly a scientist, would not think this possible. And what would the result be? Short little things with pointy ears or tall things with big beards? The options are endless.
DISCUSSION POINT 4: HEY TAURIEL AND LEGOLAS, WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU COME FROM?
Because who ever cared about staying true to the book?
DISCUSSION POINT 5: BIG BULKY LEGOLAS GREENLEAF
I am all for a healthy lifestyle and bench pressing the shit out of the bench-press at the gym, but hey, Legolas, what happened to you? Some steroids or summa? I loved Orlando Bloom in the LoTR franchise – he has that perfect elven grace that is so essential to his character in the books. Then, in the Hobbit (where he isn’t supposed to be in), he is massive and does not look like he can jump on trees and sing songs about Lothlorien.
DISCUSSION POINT 6: MAYBE HE’S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE
I personally think that Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield was one of the good things that happened with to the Hobbit. He pulls of the arrogance of Thorin very well and convinces you that he is a good guy just when you start getting annoyed with him again. However, my impression of dwarves is of Gimli, son of Gloin – short, stocky, messy and a bit dirty. Richard Armitage will never in his life be able to portray such an earthly character – he is simply too good looking.
This guy too:
Then WHY? Because you want girls (or boys for that matter) who haven’t read the books and doesn’t feel as strongly as we do about going to see this finally HAVING a reason to see the movies – SO much HAWTIES.
DISCUSSION POINT 7: FEELINGS TOWARDS PETER JACKSON AFTER RETURN OF THE KING VS. THE BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES
Sooo… through many images, bitching, memes and pictures, you now know how I feel about most of the Hobbit franchise. It makes me sad because it could have genuinely been just as amazing as Lord of The Rings. We’ve seen that Peter Jackson is quite able to produce Middle Earth wonderland. If you haven’t seen this yet, don’t; because you will either hate it or we could never be friends… 😀