Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015: THE HOBBIT~THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES (2014)

SHITFEST2015

THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY:

KIDNEYLOGO

THE BATTLE OF MIDDLE EARTH: WHEN SHEER GREED DESTROYS COMMON SENSE

the-hobbit-the-battle-of-the-five-armies-poster

So I’m sitting here in my new office, thinking happy thoughts in general, when I remember that my dear Pappy’s Shitfest is on the horizon.

WHAT TO CHOOSE? The options seemed endless. So much Shit everywhere, right? I had to narrow it down – with options like Ghost of Girlfriend’s Past, Vampire Academy and I,Frankenstein, I had enough to bitch about for the rest of my life – and believe me I do at every available occasion.

But I had to choose a movie that had offended me so badly that I took a personal offense at the mere mention of its existence. Something that would get me to make a banner that I would take to cinemas and stop people from buying tickets because it was so atrocious. Well, fuck, the only obvious choice was The Hobbit: The Battle of The Five Armies. The shit that offended me so much I wanted to fly to Hollywood and go smack Peter Jackson around.

It is so shit I promise to hide any movie merchandise I see in shops – DVDs, music scores, puzzles, cornflakes with little hobbit figures in – it will all go behind other worthier things like Coco Pops and Taylor Swift CDs (I fucking hate her music, so you know) I hate this shit so much that I snort unlady-like when people mention it. Why do I hate this movie so much????

If the four question marks didn’t alert you, I really, really hate The Hobbit: The Battle of The Five Armies. WHY? Because I know the pure magic that was created with the Lord of the Rings franchise. I can answer nearly every LoTR question you have, movie or book. I can discuss everything that went down because I’ve probably watched it three hundred and seventy five million times. To bring my point across, I present: THE BATTLE OF MIDDLE EARTH: THE RETURN OF THE KING VS. THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

DISCUSSION POINT 1: 3 MOVIES VS 3 MOVIES

I’m not even going to say anything, just put in pics and my point will be understood.

lotr books

Or here is a (very bad) picture of my own copies of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit Books:

hobbit and lotr book

DISCUSSION POINT 2: THE “SEQUEL” DISEASE: HOBBIT VS LOTR

One of the great diseases of our time is the quality decline of prequels/tree-quels (what the fuck do you call the third instalment of a franchise?) and so forth. In the Lord of the Rings, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. In fact, you can see an improvement from The Fellowship of the Ring to the Return of the King (you will have to look closely because The Fellowship is already pretty great).

Then you get The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. It is not a rotten movie at all. It doesn’t come close to any of the LoTR movies, but of the Hobbit franchise it is the one I will watch if I am forced. Quite frankly The Desolation of Smaug is all about walking and Thorin losing his temper twenty five times and an elvin-dwarf love story and some Orcs and Gandalf getting caught in Dol Guldur. etc. If that movie hadn’t existed this franchise could have been saved with a solid final movie. It should have been split into the first and third movie because that movie feels like it was just there for the cash. Then you get to The Battle of The Five Armies, the worst of the three. I still can’t understand how such a massive budget can give such a horrible result. The Battle of The Five armies comes with overwhelming CGI, insincere characters and a very drawn out plot. Plus googly eyes passing between elves and dwarves.

DISCUSSION POINT 3: BUT COULD THEY POSSIBLY HAVE CHILDREN?

How does Kili and Tauriel plan to reproduce? Can two different species make babies? I want to go back and ask my biology teacher because I, nearly a scientist, would not think this possible. And what would the result be? Short little things with pointy ears or tall things with big beards? The options are endless.

DISCUSSION POINT 4: HEY TAURIEL AND LEGOLAS, WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU COME FROM?

Bilbo Meme

Because who ever cared about staying true to the book?

DISCUSSION POINT 5: BIG BULKY LEGOLAS GREENLEAF

bulky legolas

I am all for a healthy lifestyle and bench pressing the shit out of the bench-press at the gym, but hey, Legolas, what happened to you? Some steroids or summa? I loved Orlando Bloom in the LoTR franchise – he has that perfect elven grace that is so essential to his character in the books. Then, in the Hobbit (where he isn’t supposed to be in), he is massive and does not look like he can jump on trees and sing songs about Lothlorien.

DISCUSSION POINT 6: MAYBE HE’S BORN WITH IT, MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE

Thorin

I personally think that Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield was one of the good things that happened with to the Hobbit. He pulls of the arrogance of Thorin very well and convinces you that he is a good guy just when you start getting annoyed with him again. However, my impression of dwarves is of Gimli, son of Gloin – short, stocky, messy and a bit dirty. Richard Armitage will never in his life be able to portray such an earthly character – he is simply too good looking.

This guy too:

Kili

Then WHY? Because you want girls (or boys for that matter) who haven’t read the books and doesn’t feel as strongly as we do about going to see this finally HAVING a reason to see the movies – SO much HAWTIES.

DISCUSSION POINT 7: FEELINGS TOWARDS PETER JACKSON AFTER RETURN OF THE KING VS. THE BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES

LOTR:

aragorn

THE HOBBIT:

smaug

AND:
thranduil

Sooo… through many images, bitching, memes and pictures, you now know how I feel about most of the Hobbit franchise. It makes me sad because it could have genuinely been just as amazing as Lord of The Rings. We’ve seen that Peter Jackson is quite able to produce Middle Earth wonderland. If you haven’t seen this yet, don’t; because you will either hate it or we could never be friends… 😀

43 comments

  1. Great points Nat! I totally agree with you that this movie just doesn’t live up at all.

    They should have made just two films and that might have helped

    I think PJ needs to retire in shame for doing this trilogy

    Liked by 1 person

      • Oh that’s okay Natasha, no problem!

        It was a great review, really made me laugh. And convinced me I’m better not seeing these films!!

        I had the giggles looking at Legolas figure too! Bulky ole’ Legolas!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Unimpressed Kidney,

    I love this. You know that I adore LOTR, and I have only seen the first of these and it hurt me. I suppose one day I might just sit through them all but… I just don’t know if I can. I have too many issues with what is going on.

    Your post ROCKS!!!!!!!

    Bkushi

    Liked by 1 person

    • Understanding Bkushi

      Thank you sp much. I think you might be the only one who loves LoTR as much as I do, so we can weep together.

      Best of luck if you do. You had the misfortune of hearing firsthand how I felt after seeing it. Really sorry about all the violence hahah!

      Kidney

      Liked by 2 people

  3. This trilogy is shamefully bad. Too much is crammed into them to make a nearly 9-hour adaptation out of a short book and it’s all just so forgettable. Thorin’s “dragon madness” scene in Five Armies is one of the lamest, most poorly-done scenes in movie history.

    And the dwarf guy (whatever his name is… Kilblorf?) who falls in love with Tauriel looks like a Calvin Klein model because that ridiculous romance would have been even more ridiculous if he looked like any of the other dwarves.

    Liked by 3 people

    • It is. Seems like nothing can ever stay sacred. The Five Armies movie felt painfully long and as if everyone couldn’t wait to be done with it. I’m glad I’m now certainly done with it.

      Kilborf hahahahaha

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Awesome! Nice job Natasha, I have heard a lot of people complain about this, I have never seen it, I just can’t get into these movies. I don’t know what it is. Ghost’s of Girlfriends Past would have been a good contender too, next time!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Haha! Nice review, Natasha! I couldn’t even be arsed to watch this thing and I LOVE the books & the LOTR trilogy. SO unnecessary to make 3 movies out of The Hobbit! Ridiculous. I said “fuck it” and FINALLY didn’t waste my money going to one of the Hobbit films. (Well, I’ll watch it at home someday. And bitch about it) 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Oh, Natasha. I totally feel you, girl. Hahahaha. I enjoyed these films significantly more than you did, I think, but yeaaaahhhhh. All of these points are pretty spot-on. Such a disappointment after the epicness of LOTR. Well done, lady!!!

    #SHITFESTISTHEBESTFEST

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Pingback: A random list of things I completely despise | Life of this city girl

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