This entry was submitted by my Grandma:
It probably isn’t a good sign for your movie if your wife turns to you in the first five seconds and says “Wait… I didn’t know this was an animated movie.”
And, no, it isn’t an animated movie. The CGI used to bring us a series of snow-capped mountains just looks so fake that you might mistake them for something created for FROZEN.
I, FRANKENSTEIN doesn’t get much better from there. We are given a three minute whirlwind tour of the source novel and we learn that the doctor hunted the monster in the cold and died and that the monster brought him home to bury him (which he does even though he has no concept of humanity). Then some demons come to collect him because they want his rise-from-the-dead power. But that turns out okay, because some gargoyles change from stone into man-form and save him and send the demons back to hell.
The gargoyles take the Monster (played, by the way, by Aaron Eckhart) to their leader (Miranda Otto). She feels bad for him and names him Adam and gives him weapons to fight the demons and then gets mad when he leaves. Her main henchgargoyle (Jai Courtney) doesn’t like Adam either. Or maybe he is just pissed off that he is stuck in this movie.
Then we flash forward a few hundred years to present day. Adam/Monster is still wandering around killing demons. The gargoyles see him and bring him back to their home. Now they really don’t like him because he is fighting them in the open as opposed to, you know, flying around the skyline of a major city. Nobody sees the gargoyles of course. Not because they have a power or anything, but because… you know… it’s a dumb movie.
We learn that there is a prince of darkness (Bill Nighy) who wants to reanimate the dead and use them as houses for his demons’ souls in hell. He uses a human doctor (Yvonne Strahovski) to try and bring rats from the dead, but would rather use Dr. Frankenstein’s original journal (which the gargoyles keep hidden in their lair) to teach him how to do what the doctor did. The gargoyles don’t destroy the journal- presumably because they are stupid – and it becomes the thing everyone wants.
Then they all fight, with Adam/Monster fighting both sides at one point, and lots of demons go to hell and lots of gargoyles go to heaven and then Adam/Monster and the female doctor seem to fall in love kind of.
Does that make the movie sound idiotic? I don’t think it really does it justice in the idiotic department. There are loads of problems.
-Adam/Monster is way too pretty. Aaron Eckhart is supposed to be scary because he has a scar on his face and people in a nightclub look at him funny. Then this idea of him being ugly is mostly abandoned and he looks like a super model with a scar:
-When Jai Courtney looks bored and guilty for being too good of an actor for your movie, then your movie has some credibility issues.
-This movie was not good when it had less species of monsters and was called VAN HELSING.
-The CGI is atrocious:
-There is nothing specific about the locations in this movie. Everything is generic.
-The monster is supposed to have no soul and be evil and learn to have a soul – or something- by the end of the movie. Either that or he always had a soul. But if he always had a soul, then the entire plot of the movie is rendered mute because that would mean the demons’ plans were flawed for thousands of years. I’m not sure which of those two possibilities is worse. That a monster LEARNS how to get a soul, or that the movie hinges on the bad guys being record-setting levels of stupid.
Alright, I’m all done. This movie is brutal.
This was my other choice for Shitfest! It was SO HORRENDOUS! Great write-up
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! I just couldn’t stand it. Such a bad movie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just love how this movie is mentioned two days in a row…!!
SHITFEST FOREVER!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s alive! It’s alive!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your Willy???
GROSS
LikeLike
It’s very “worthy”!
LikeLiked by 1 person
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
LikeLike
Nice post! This looks absolutely awful. CGI can be a real downer in many films, especially if it’s so crap it looks animated!!!!!
I’d rather watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer to be quite frank.
LikeLiked by 2 people
That would be a far, far superior use of your time, haha.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It did kind of remind me of season 4 where Riley and the army guys have their “Adam” monster!
I love Buffy 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m still laughing about your Moby Dick comment. That was so random…. That would be like me saying “Oh, I watched I Frankenstein because it came with a box of pears.”
You crack me up Pen!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hahahaha! I’m glad I made you laugh Pen 🙂
Sometimes I type before I think 😀
The more I think about it, the more I realise how funny and silly that statement was!!! But the most hilarious thing is………..is it actually true!
Before this review I would have definitely watched I Frankenstein if it came with a box of pears 🙂
Love Pen
LikeLiked by 1 person
You always do : ) : ) : )
SCREW this movie!!
Love Cold Pen
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yay! You too 🙂 and all the marvellous Shitfest crew.
Oh no! 😦 hope you warm up soon!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
SHITFEST 4 EVER!
It’s supposed to start getting warmer over the weekend. FUCK this cold shit!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know getting sick of it now. Mind you, once Feb is out the way we’ll be getting some nice weather………..hopefully.
If not I might demand some with the next newspaper I buy.
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
HAHAHA!!! YES!!!
#penisdemanding
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 🙂
#staywarmpen
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m actually getting ready to go brave the cold before a nine o’clock meeting…..
#freezingwindsucks
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nine o’clock meetings suck! As does the wind 😦
I was cycling with my nan once when I was kid and the wind was so strong we were really battled. I was shouting at it, yes shouting at the wind, having a tantrum and crying! The memory makes me laugh!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nine o’clock meetings are BULLSHIT!
What?? You fought with the wind?? Are you the Ghost Rider???
LikeLiked by 1 person
I did do a facial recognition app once (true story) and it said I looked like Nicolas Cage so maybe!!!!!
I DON’T LOOK LIKE NICOLAS CAGE!
LikeLiked by 1 person
YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE NIC CAGE!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Pen 🙂
hee hee!
LikeLiked by 1 person
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
LikeLiked by 1 person
great shitty review John.
looks really really horrendous!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I knew it would be going in. Last year before Shitfest I watched a few movies that I thought would be bad, and a few turned out pretty decent.
This one… Not so much.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks for having me back. Now get over here and sit on my lap so I can pinch those cute little cheeks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank YOU!!
OK!!
Wait….. which cheeks………………?????????
*crosses fingers*
LikeLike
All of them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
YAY!!! Wishes do come true!!
LikeLike
I’ve heard nothing but good things about this movie.
I guess I understand using CGI to create multiple gargoyles flying around or whatever, but it seems that it would be much easier and much more cost-effective to just do a flyover shot of some actual mountains than to create that same shot on a computer.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This movie sounds like it’s right up your alley. And, by that, I mean your asshole.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s no room!
LikeLiked by 2 people
We have the technology to make more room.
#BionicButthole
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think we just found our next Madlib Movie!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like it!
But I don’t like your butthole.
LikeLike
It’s an acquired taste.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Like anchovies?
LikeLike
I don’t think more that four seconds went into any decisions made on this movie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They could have just called this Underworld 5 (or 4 or whatever the next sequel would have been). As it is though, it might not have been the best film, but I found a few enjoyable moments out of it. lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know – I’ve never seen any of those underworld movies….
LikeLike
The first one was great, the second one okay, the prequel okay and the fourth okay. Heard that a reboot might be in the works a while back but I think they are still too fresh for one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe I can get Zoe to watch them all with me!
LikeLike
I haven’t seen all of the Underworld movies, but the ones I have seen have at least been entertaining.
But I Frankenstein… Not so much for me.
LikeLike
Also, I’m still waiting for you and Zoe to get to all of the Land Before Time movies. Little Foot may have been bitchy sometimes, but the series had a reemergence when they threw a bunch of money at Kiefer Sutherland to do a voice.
I mean… That’s what I hear.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hmm. Not seen this & never plan to but I’m kind of liking shirtless Adam/Monster….
LikeLiked by 1 person
PERVERTED FILTH
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t you understand?!?! He’s hideous! That six pack is clearly not HUMAN!!!
LikeLiked by 2 people
That ab looks like mine except mine is more of an eight pack of tall boys…
#itdoesnthelpthatimgoingtoabartoeatgreasybarfoodanddrinktapbeer
LikeLike
I’m drinking at a hotel bar. Your hashtag is too long for consumption.
My euphuism lacks subtlety.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh God. Not even kidding, the mere mention of this movie made me want to puke everywhere. No wait–it makes me want to puke all over whoever decided this movie was a good idea. Fucking awful. Nice choice and nice review, John! I’m sorry for your suffering. Believe me, I empathize…
LikeLike
Isn’t it Stand By Me where the kid pukes all over the guy?
This is like that. Only the movie is the vomit and it’s viewers are the guy.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Unfortunately, I’ve yet to see Stand By Me, but that sounds pretty freaking accurate. Hahaha.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Have you seen The Meaning of Life???
#pukefest
#oneofmyfavoritecomedies
#selfreplicatingdna
If anyone gets that last # you win my eternal servitude and fealty. No googling!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have not seen The Meaning of Life… 😦
*hangs head in shames*
*shuffles off without Eric’s eternal servitude and fealty*
*remembers Eric is in her basement*
*realizes that as her prisoner, Eric’s servitude and fealty is forced*
*smiles*
LikeLiked by 1 person
Meaning of Life! Yes! Much better reference!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Even though i didnt read it, i saw that the original comic had Frankenstein’s monster look like the typical flat top, bolt headed creature. While i didn’t make a worst of list for last year, this movie would be fighting it out with Sin City 2.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That makes me sad for Sin City 2. I haven’t watched it, but fear that it could be terrible.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for confirming why this is shit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think John took a trip to Poop City!
LikeLike
Haha! I forgot this film ever even existed. It probably doesn’t need to exist at all. Officially never seeing it!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Smart choice. It should stop existing.
LikeLike
Wait until you see it’s partner shitfest film, Dracula Untold 😦 So this is Universals big campaign to re-do all the classic monster films? Great, i cant wait to see how they fuck up Creature From The Black Lagoon! A future shitfest contender for sure!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dracula Untold looks miserable….!
LikeLiked by 1 person
They use that CGI technique where everything fragments and blows away (or flies away) about 10 times in the movie. That was cliche by the time the 3rd Blade movie came out!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pitiful!
LikeLiked by 1 person
NOOOOOO, it wasn’t that bad! I liked it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Love,
HMMMMMMMMMMMMM
LikeLiked by 1 person
What?! It really wasn’t!!!!! And Luke Evans is hot as fuck!
LikeLiked by 1 person
HMMMMMMMMM looks kind of dodgy… maybe I’ll look at it to see what you’re going on about….
LikeLiked by 1 person
You should! The last say… ten or fifteen minutes are a little wrecked, but the final moments redeem itself, and everything before that was alright, if you don’t take it too seriously and pick it apart. Plus it was so badass when he used the bats to fly.
#JustSaying
#EntertainingAtLeast
#LukeEvansBrokeMyHeart
The Kidney will get that last statement….
LikeLiked by 1 person
OK – I’ll watch this if you watch Wyrmwood : )
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oki, remind me about it later when I am at home, then we will get this sorted.
LikeLiked by 1 person
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOP
Wait – you still need to watch Sauna….
LikeLiked by 1 person
YOU MUST REMIND ME ABOUT THAT TOO!
LikeLiked by 1 person
K!
(hahahahahahaha!!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
On the other hand, they are making it SUPER easy to find movies for Shitfest.
If there is a famous character in the title, chances are it sucks. Last year I suffered through that awful Hansel & Gretel movie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Still haven’t seen this and in a weird way I need to see this 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Masochism. Pure masochism.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes. That!
LikeLike
And Flatulism…..
LikeLike
I have learned that henchgargoyle is an amazing word.
LikeLiked by 3 people
If I supply but one modest thing to the world in my time here, let it be the word ‘henchgargoyle’ and I may die satisfied.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL great write up. I have not had one reason to watch this movie, but I have another to add to the list that has kept me from it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
WHOOP!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds awful!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
HAHAHAH Baller!! I bet it is!!
LikeLike
It’s pretty awful. No argument from me.
LikeLiked by 1 person