Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015: SOLARIS (2002)

SHITFEST2015

THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE MOVIE WATCHINGEST MOVIE WATCHER EVER:

ROBLOGO

 

Whenever Eric posts that Shitfest is coming, I start racking my brain as to what movie I saw and hated so much that I would want to re-watch and rant about it.

Unlike our esteemed host, I am usually not a fan of rewatching shitty movies, so this is generally quite a difficult task for me.

Soooooo, after thinking about it for a while, I finally came up with a choice and was gearing up to watch it when a friend reminded me that there is a George Clooney/Steven Soderbergh movie that is suppose to be quite shitty despite the fact that the two of them are usually great together.

Truth is, the idea of the two of them making a shitty movie together just didn’t seem plausible, but regardless, I decided I’ve give it a try.  Worse come to worse, if I liked this movie, I could always fall back on my original choice.

Thankfully, this was s fucking nightmare to watch, so my fallback movie can wait until the summer 😉

SOLARIS1

Numerous spoilers for this movie and a few others with same stars (you are warned)

So here’s what I thought of the turdfest known as Solaris (2002)

SOLARIS1

Truth be told, the tagline on the poster asks the perfect question for a situation like this:

Below are my top ten answers to the question

What is the Mystery of Solaris? You Decide

SOLARIS3

10) That the movie has no coherent plot whatthefucksoever

SOLARIS4

9) That Jeremy Davies can play a non-creepy character (wait, he actually is creepy here also. At least he isn’t caught spanking the monkey or committing incest in this one)

SOLARIS5

8) That Viola Davis’ character didn’t need to become paranoid, she should have just offed herself like the rest of the crew

SOLARIS6

7) That even a 2nd (or a 3rd or perhaps a 4th) chance to be with Clooney might drive a woman to suicide (careful Amal) 🙂

SOLARIS7

6) That a psychologist would know about lone survival in space. Perhaps they could have used Matt Kowalski from Gravity (2013) to help out? (I think I just saw him floating by) 😉

SOLARIS8

5) That Kelvin’s friend invited him to journey alone to the distant planet where strange things are happening. Maybe he really wasn’t his friend and wanted to exact revenge on him for stealing his date to the prom years earlier.

SOLARIS9

4) That playing opposite both Viola Davis and Natascha McElhone in this movie proves that Tina and Amy hit the bullseye last year at the Globes; Clooney and women close to his age just aren’t the greatest pairing if you want his character to make it out alive or stay sane

SOLARIS10

3) That we don’t even care if Clooney’s character is dead or just dreaming at the end?

SOLARIS11

2) That Clooney and Soderbergh can make a boring 90 minute movie despite still hoping and wanting to like it!

SOLARIS12

1) That they needed to film Clooney’s ass in order to spark controversy with the MPAA and get some ladies in the seats to check out HIS seat

A HUGE thanks to Eric for organizing this every few months to give all of us a chance to actually find fun ways to enjoy real shitburger movies!

Long live SHITFEST!!!

110 comments

  1. See, Soderbergh went, “Got this great idea, right, I’ll take this sci-fi story, right, and I’ll take all the sci-fi out of it, right, and I’ll barely mention the planet the movie’s titled after! How cool is that!”

    No, Soder-face, it isn’t cool; it’s shite.

    Couldn’t make head nor tail out of the original either because, luckily, I’m an idiot.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. terre

    I just watched the film and it was so infuriating I had to look if there were people who hated it as me. 😦
    It must be because I was binge watching sci-fi movies (2001, Gattaca, 2010, Interstellar, Event Horizon, Starship Troopers, etc), this was the movie that made me rage.
    Thanks, I feel better now.

    Liked by 1 person

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