THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE MOVIE WATCHINGEST MOVIE WATCHER EVER:
Whenever Eric posts that Shitfest is coming, I start racking my brain as to what movie I saw and hated so much that I would want to re-watch and rant about it.
Unlike our esteemed host, I am usually not a fan of rewatching shitty movies, so this is generally quite a difficult task for me.
Soooooo, after thinking about it for a while, I finally came up with a choice and was gearing up to watch it when a friend reminded me that there is a George Clooney/Steven Soderbergh movie that is suppose to be quite shitty despite the fact that the two of them are usually great together.
Truth is, the idea of the two of them making a shitty movie together just didn’t seem plausible, but regardless, I decided I’ve give it a try. Worse come to worse, if I liked this movie, I could always fall back on my original choice.
Thankfully, this was s fucking nightmare to watch, so my fallback movie can wait until the summer 😉
Numerous spoilers for this movie and a few others with same stars (you are warned)
So here’s what I thought of the turdfest known as Solaris (2002)
Truth be told, the tagline on the poster asks the perfect question for a situation like this:
Below are my top ten answers to the question
What is the Mystery of Solaris? You Decide
10) That the movie has no coherent plot whatthefucksoever
9) That Jeremy Davies can play a non-creepy character (wait, he actually is creepy here also. At least he isn’t caught spanking the monkey or committing incest in this one)
8) That Viola Davis’ character didn’t need to become paranoid, she should have just offed herself like the rest of the crew
7) That even a 2nd (or a 3rd or perhaps a 4th) chance to be with Clooney might drive a woman to suicide (careful Amal) 🙂
6) That a psychologist would know about lone survival in space. Perhaps they could have used Matt Kowalski from Gravity (2013) to help out? (I think I just saw him floating by) 😉
5) That Kelvin’s friend invited him to journey alone to the distant planet where strange things are happening. Maybe he really wasn’t his friend and wanted to exact revenge on him for stealing his date to the prom years earlier.
4) That playing opposite both Viola Davis and Natascha McElhone in this movie proves that Tina and Amy hit the bullseye last year at the Globes; Clooney and women close to his age just aren’t the greatest pairing if you want his character to make it out alive or stay sane
3) That we don’t even care if Clooney’s character is dead or just dreaming at the end?
2) That Clooney and Soderbergh can make a boring 90 minute movie despite still hoping and wanting to like it!
1) That they needed to film Clooney’s ass in order to spark controversy with the MPAA and get some ladies in the seats to check out HIS seat
A HUGE thanks to Eric for organizing this every few months to give all of us a chance to actually find fun ways to enjoy real shitburger movies!
Long live SHITFEST!!!
Thanks Eric. This was lots of fun putting together!!
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Thank you, Rob! It’s nice to see you break out of the usual Rob-self!
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nice to break out every so often for Shitfest 🙂
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Reblogged this on and commented:
Check out my Shitfest Winter submission to the IPC. This time I reviewed Clooney’s crappy Solaris (2002).
Thanks to Eric for Organizing this!
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Thanks for the reblog!
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Love this post! Sounds like you are really pissed of by this film, haha 🙂
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well, I had hoped that it really wouldn’t be as bad as I had heard…I was wrong.
Thanks Reut!
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Sure thing! I’ll know now to keep my distance from this piece of crap film :-))
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Sounds like you need to steer clear of it like it was a wasp by your window……
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HAHA! Even worse! God help us all!
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I have a story to tell you when I get back to my laptop…
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Cool!! Love stories!
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So this one day I go on my break up at work and I’m minding my own business and I see something out of the corner of my eye and it’s a goddamned fucking wasp prowling on the ground next to me. I’m deathly allergic to those fuckers so I’m all “FUUUUUUUUUUUCK” and I know if I try to step on it it will crawl up my pant leg and kill me.
A couple of uneasy minutes go by and all of a sudden a bird swoops in and eats it and flies away. SOOOOOOOO – I love birds now.
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Oh my goodness! That’s very dangerous!! I’m so happy that bird saved your life!!! Wasps scare me. They come out of nowhere and harass you and don’t friggin’ let go! I’m not sure whether to praise the little flying shits for their determination or wish them dead! Anyways, all hail birds!
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I. HATE. WASPS.
All hail birds!!! Birds are our saviors!!!!
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I’ll throw in flies, bees, mosquitoes and roaches into the HATE bucket as well, cool? Not to keen on those either…
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YES YES YES YES YES. And spiders!!!!!!!!
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How could I forget them fuckers???? The first time I watched Arachnophobia was also my last. I can’t stand them!!! I can’t look at them!! I twitch by the sound of the word… SPIDER!!
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There’s NOTHING I hate more than them!! They can all go to hell!!!
Let’s not talk about this subject any longer, agreed???
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Agreed! :-))))
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*high fives*!
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High five!
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Piss off! Bees and spiders are awesome!
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NOPE. NEITHER!! Bess and spiders can fuck clean off.
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You’re a mad bastard! Bees pollinate flowers – it’s fuckin important, mate. And spiders, here’s the irony, spiders, right, they EAT the OTHER stuff you fuckin HATE!
So, have that bollocks!
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Bees sting me and make me sick.. do you want me to die?????
Spiders bite me and make me sick… DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE??????
I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!!!!!!!
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Bees only sting if you’re pissing them off!
Spiders only bite if you’re pissing them off!
Neither species has any interest in stinging or biting people!
Ludicrous. You must be doing something quite alarming to them.
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SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO – that fucking spider that crawled in my bed and bit my thigh and gave me poison that I had to had minor surgery…. I made HIM mad????????
That mother fucker!!!!
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Yes, that would follow, as a high percentage of spider bites occur (a) in bed, when unaware sleeper rolls on spider which responds to the perceived ‘attack’ or (b) sitting on a spider which responds, etc…
It’s important to note that spiders are sedentary by nature and only go wandering during mating season.
Of course, there are some folk like yourself who have an extraordinary reaction to bites/stings, and that’s very unfortunate and I sympathise. But it could just as easily have been a ladybird doing the biting (a harlequin in particular). Then what? Do we all start hating lovely little ladybirds?
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Haha, excellent entry Rob!!! I’ve never seen this film….and based on your review I never shall.
Loved the gifs 🙂
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Pen!
This sounds pretty rough….
Pen
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Thanks Emma! Thats the point of Shitfest…STAY CLEAR!!
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I always thought ‘Solaris’ looked kinda meh, guess I was right!
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I’ve never seen it but it sounds pretty shit! You know what’s not shit?? John Wick.
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John Wick is great 🙂
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John Wick was awesome!
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just saw John Wick. was pretty good. Tnx for recommending Eric!
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Yes it was!
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at least i thought so. thanks Mr. Movie!
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More like Solanus!
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YOU’RE a Solanus!
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i love that Brian, i think we should petition clooney to change the official title!
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It truly was a pile of shit. I did not care for it either and I appreciate how succinct you were about it. 🙂
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Did you take a shit on your DVD???
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Nope – the bonus to this little film was that rentals were still around so even though I wasted my money, it would not have been as much as if I had purchased it!
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EXCELLENT!
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thanks. i like being succinct when I can 🙂
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Before I read this – will it spoil the original? Because I’ve wanted to see that for years…
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I’ll have to let Rob answer this one, you Wanker.
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Yeah. Hurry up, Rob! WTF?! He should have answered by now. He’s had, like, two minutes to reply! Slacker.
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I don’t know, I just got out of bed – he’s probably watching the original right now : )
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Lol! Review will be up in an hour & a half. 🙂
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Like I said at the top of this post….. : )
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I don’t know – I’ve not read a word because of potential spoilers! 😉
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In the intro I called him the movie watchingest movie watcher ever…
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Oh yeah! That bit. I saw that then his name. But I knew it would be him anyway as that movie watchingest movie watcher told me since he also has a review on my site today too. lol! #RobWatchesAlotOfMovies
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LOL what a spoiler!
#LooseLipsSinkShips
: )
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Bwahaha – Rob can’t currently get into your site so we could just make fun of him all day…. Anyway, Rob – sorry you hated this but I still may wait to read it after watching the original Solaris! 😉
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LOL is Rob French? Making fun of the French is the priority on this site…
#HornyFrenchmen
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Preeeeeeeeetty sure he’s not French…. 😉
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Me too, so we probably can’t make fun of him with a clean conscience….
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FRENCH!!!!!!!
How dare you SIR!!!!! 🙂
FYI – I’m an born and bred American ex-pat living in Israel for the last 22.5 years.
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See how I protected you!
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That’s called protection? 😉
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i’m always a slacker, No McFly has ever amounted to anything in Hill Valley….
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Don’t use movie quotes that Eric won’t get… 😉
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HUH WHAT HUH HUH HUH?
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those r the best 🙂
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Thats about as funny as a screen door on a battleship Lorraine 🙂
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I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I fucking loved Solaris. A solidly existential piece of work.
But hey… That’s just me, man… a solidly existential piece of work 😉
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I actually tried watching this once but I couldn’t get into it and turned it off pretty early….
Boat Drinks!!
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guess i shouldnt count on your vote then Mark 🙂
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Haha! Sorry bud! I couldn’t vote against this film. 🙂
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its not against…it’s FOR this film!! 🙂
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Funny review, will definitely avoid this movie.
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thanks Vinnie!
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Really?? I love this movie!
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I can’t speak to it.. I tried once and didn’t get into it and aborted…. I didn’t go the entire length of the ride. Like the time I tried ride this amusement park ride called The Hammer. I was drunk and threw up all over everyone.
#GreatTimes
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Nice analogy.
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It works both ways…
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There goes another vote… 🙂
Guess it’s just me….
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Look at you getting all gif-tastic on us, Rob! Nicely done. I’d never even heard of it before, but it sounds incredibly bad…
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I learn from the best 🙂
Thanks Cara!
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This movie was very frustrating and boring. Shitty, shitty, shitty indeed!
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Thanks Abbi!!
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I have to admit, I still kinda like this movie. Nice review you, two.
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: ) I’ve never seen the thing….
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Ha. Not even to see Clooney’s arse?
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HA! Nope – I tried watching it once and was so bored I changed the channel….
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Dude. We need to find a project to work together on!
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I thought of one just this weekend!! I’ll DM you on Twitter!
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Sweet. Send it when ur ready. Fingers aching to type something up with you!
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Mission Accomplished!
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Tnx TMI!
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Is this the remake of the Tarkovsky film? Nooope, definitely never seeing this, especially since the best bit is the last image in the post and now I’ve seen it already. Nice one Rob!
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LOL Anna!!
#buttsies
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glad i could help anna!
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LOL great work Rob! Loved the gif usage here 😀 Never seen this, not in a rush, either.
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it’s a trick you taught me, dont you recall? 🙂
Thanks as always!
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This was all kinds of awesome Rob!
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Tnx Vic! appreciate it!
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Dat ass hahaha!
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Tap it!!
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Oh I would HAHAHA!
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#tapit
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See, Soderbergh went, “Got this great idea, right, I’ll take this sci-fi story, right, and I’ll take all the sci-fi out of it, right, and I’ll barely mention the planet the movie’s titled after! How cool is that!”
No, Soder-face, it isn’t cool; it’s shite.
Couldn’t make head nor tail out of the original either because, luckily, I’m an idiot.
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Isn’t that what he’s been doing his whole career………?????
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I just watched the film and it was so infuriating I had to look if there were people who hated it as me. 😦
It must be because I was binge watching sci-fi movies (2001, Gattaca, 2010, Interstellar, Event Horizon, Starship Troopers, etc), this was the movie that made me rage.
Thanks, I feel better now.
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I’ve actually never seen this one all the way through – this was a guest post and I guess it was pretty sucky!! Thanks for reading and the comment!!
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yep. I hated this one lots and lots Terre!
U are by no means alone!
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