THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE MOVIE WATCHINGEST MOVIE WATCHER EVER:
Whenever Eric posts that Shitfest is coming, I start racking my brain as to what movie I saw and hated so much that I would want to re-watch and rant about it.
Unlike our esteemed host, I am usually not a fan of rewatching shitty movies, so this is generally quite a difficult task for me.
Soooooo, after thinking about it for a while, I finally came up with a choice and was gearing up to watch it when a friend reminded me that there is a George Clooney/Steven Soderbergh movie that is suppose to be quite shitty despite the fact that the two of them are usually great together.
Truth is, the idea of the two of them making a shitty movie together just didn’t seem plausible, but regardless, I decided I’ve give it a try. Worse come to worse, if I liked this movie, I could always fall back on my original choice.
Thankfully, this was s fucking nightmare to watch, so my fallback movie can wait until the summer 😉
Numerous spoilers for this movie and a few others with same stars (you are warned)
So here’s what I thought of the turdfest known as Solaris (2002)
Truth be told, the tagline on the poster asks the perfect question for a situation like this:
Below are my top ten answers to the question
What is the Mystery of Solaris? You Decide
10) That the movie has no coherent plot whatthefucksoever
9) That Jeremy Davies can play a non-creepy character (wait, he actually is creepy here also. At least he isn’t caught spanking the monkey or committing incest in this one)
8) That Viola Davis’ character didn’t need to become paranoid, she should have just offed herself like the rest of the crew
7) That even a 2nd (or a 3rd or perhaps a 4th) chance to be with Clooney might drive a woman to suicide (careful Amal) 🙂
6) That a psychologist would know about lone survival in space. Perhaps they could have used Matt Kowalski from Gravity (2013) to help out? (I think I just saw him floating by) 😉
5) That Kelvin’s friend invited him to journey alone to the distant planet where strange things are happening. Maybe he really wasn’t his friend and wanted to exact revenge on him for stealing his date to the prom years earlier.
4) That playing opposite both Viola Davis and Natascha McElhone in this movie proves that Tina and Amy hit the bullseye last year at the Globes; Clooney and women close to his age just aren’t the greatest pairing if you want his character to make it out alive or stay sane
3) That we don’t even care if Clooney’s character is dead or just dreaming at the end?
2) That Clooney and Soderbergh can make a boring 90 minute movie despite still hoping and wanting to like it!
1) That they needed to film Clooney’s ass in order to spark controversy with the MPAA and get some ladies in the seats to check out HIS seat
A HUGE thanks to Eric for organizing this every few months to give all of us a chance to actually find fun ways to enjoy real shitburger movies!
Long live SHITFEST!!!