Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015: BOYHOOD (2014)

SHITFEST2015

THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE LOVELY REUT AT:

reutlogo

BOYHOODPOST

I’m so excited!! This is my first Shitfest entry ever and I am so ready to do some cinematic slashin’ and bashin’. I was having some difficulty finding the right film to bash, but then I realized… how could I forget this one??? Neglect my suffering and anguish like that??? So, I am hereby proud to introduce you to my first Shitfest victim… Hope you’ll enjoy! (And if you violently disagree, please keep in mind I’m only human and I have feelings, and I am overall a nice person, o.k.?)

Boyhood (2014)

Ok, I know I’m totally swimming against the current here, but am I seriously the only one who got terribly bored by this film??? I mean, come on! Ok, I realize that it’s very cool it took like 12 years to make it, but what the fuck? I felt like I lost 12 years of my fucking life right now. Why would I give a flying fuck about this boy and his utterly annoying sister growing up? It happens to all of us, we all have to grow up so why would I give a shit about this boy specifically? He’s not so special, and pretty annoying himself and thank god for that cup of coffee I had during the film, otherwise I would’ve just keeled over in my chair out of boredom.

So Boyhood (or should I say Borehood!), to you who’ve never watched this film and practically saved yourselves, is about a six year old boy named Mason (does it really matter?) growing up when everyone else around him is growing old and wrinkles. The film is shot over a 100 year… sorry, a 12 year period and ends with no point or purpose what so ever. By all means, go watch it!

Instead of writing a review, I thought it might be best to provide director Richard Linklater with a letter containing a serious of 12 questions, each question for a year stolen from me, and get my point across so here it goes:

Dear Mr. Linklater,

How are you, Sir? I’m not doing so well as your film, Boyhood, managed to brutally yank all the energy out of me and I’m now left with nothing but angst and fury towards everyone on the planet. I hope you don’t mind my saying, but 165 minutes of this crap is way too much for a human being to handle, and this has gone far enough. In order to sort this matter out and help me get back on my happy feet, I would appreciate it if you take the time (way less than 12 years) to answer the following questions. Thank you in advance.

1. Mr. Linklater, why did you have to make us watch Patricia Arquette grow older and fatter? (don’t get me wrong, I’m asking this painfully cause I fuckin’ love her)

2. When did this idea for a film come up and what the fuck were you on?

3. Why did you have to make us watch Ethan Hawke wear a mustache?

4. Where did you find this irritating kid, Ellar Coltrane (and his even more irritating co-star, Lorelei Linklater)?

5. Why 12 years? WHY????

6. It took you 12 years to create this piece of shit, what’s next for you?

7. I thought Ethan Hawke was kidnapped because you fuckin’ took him hostage for 12 years and prevented him from making other shit, what are your thoughts on that?

8. What are you going to do with all the earnings, or should I say, what fuckin’ else?

9. Can I please get my $14 back?

10. Oh, and my $3 for the coffee too?

Wikipedia based questions:

11. “Boyhood began filming without a completed script”. Yes, it freakin’ shows!!! (Not a question, but more like a statement).

12. “Boyhood holds a “certified fresh” score of 98% on Rotten Tomatoes”. Has everyone gone completely mad???

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Sincerely,

Reut

BOYHOODREUT

“Cause I’m just so damn interesting…”

111 comments

  1. Hahaha!! Love this!!!!! Reut this is fantastic 🙂 really made me laugh.

    This films looks SHIT and I will avoid at all costs!!!!

    Can I just say as well………………165 minutes?!! Are they having a fucking laugh? I hope someone was as you clearly weren’t!! And let me know when Richard Linklater gets back to you, I’ll be interested in his explanation and it better be good!! (temporary insanity over 12 years maybe?)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hey Reut, what a shitty review 🙂
    Although I don’t hate this movie as much as you did, I still question the point of it. When I saw it back in Aug and there was Oscar talk about it, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.
    This movie is like watching someone grow up with not much interesting happening to him along the way.
    I have been meaning to rewatch this before the Oscars in 10 days, but the thought of sitting thru 165 min of this again is quite daunting.
    Not sure whether to take the plunge again or not!
    BTW, great letter, but I think PA needs to answer your first question, not RL 🙂
    #11 is my favorite…so true

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Love it! Someone brave enough to go against the grain on this one. I appreciated the whole concept of the 12 years thing, but really, it’s very similar to watching someone grow up on a long-running TV show…and TV shows at least have a plot. I didn’t hate it, but it was SO long, I probably won’t ever watch it again. Love the letter to Linklater, haha.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. This was also thoroughly despised by our own Brad. Even sitting through the trailer you could tell it’s boring, pretentious garbage. “But he GREW UP BEFORE OUR EYES!!!” Yeah, so did every kid on every long-running sitcom. Two and a Half Men has been on for 12 years too, and that kid grew up before our eyes in that time, doesn’t make that show any less shitty.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. I truly enjoy that someone shared my thoughts – although I have not seen it yet. But it looked like such a bore and I had absolutely no interest in it in the first place, so now I know to avoid this piece of shit at all costs. Thank-you very much! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I really enjoyed this movie and didn’t find it boring at all. The way it presented children and divorce hit home for me, so I connected with it there. But your review was hysterical, lol!! Thanks for the laugh!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  7. LOL. No, sweet Reut–of all blogs in the great wide internet, this is definitely the LAST place you would receive criticism for this review. Very, very funny stuff, lady. I’ve not seen Boyhood, but I’ve wondered whether or not it would be my thing. You make it sound like it should be renamed SHIThood. 😉 Great job!!!

    #GOSHITFESTGO

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Absolutely awesome review Reut, had such a great laugh here this morning, so thank you for that! I have not yet seen it, and I am curious about it. I just don’t know what the hell the point is, to be honest. Oh well… will see what I think when I get there, but I am not expecting too much, seeing as how it has been hyped up so much!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Zoë. Glad it made you laugh 🙂 There is no point in this film really other than watching some kids grow up. I wasn’t really planning on seeing this, but when I arrived at the cinema there was such a long line, I just had to see what the fuss was about. It will win an Oscar, no doubt, and when that happens I’ll be screaming inside 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  9. This was awesome, even though I did LOVE this movie. That is okay when I watched it I honestly thought I could list a million people who would hate this one. Did you ever see Before Sunset? I bet you hated that one too haha, so much pointless talking. Good shitfest entry and I enjoyed the letter and the annoying sister of course is his daughter, he had to put her in the movie.

    Liked by 2 people

    • THANK YOU, Melissa! You know what? Silly me, I should have realized the family connection there, I mean, da! Same last name, haha! I did watch Before Sunset, and you are correct! Didn’t like that one either… They just walk and talk and talk and walk and, wow! ^_^

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Enjoyable review. I don’t think I hated it quite as much as you, but borehood was one of the most tedious viewing experiences of my life. A classic case of style over substance – very happy that Birdman wiped the floor with them at the oscars.

    Like

  11. This may be the most epic SF post since Abbi’s “Eat, Pray, Loathe” entry! I agree 100%. This movie was so pointless!!

    Now, had they filmed this over 12 years and there was an actual plot, it could have turned out very good; it’s a really cool idea to film over a period of 12 years, but you have to have a purpose of going on the journey – which is what this film lacks. It’s like hiking up a mountain all day and once arriving at the top seeing that there is no view. It’s like you simply ask yourself “What the heck did I just watch this for?”

    And Patricia Arquette won an Oscar for this? For what? I mean, she was good, but not Oscar good. They just give those things away like expired raffle tickets in Hollywood. Here, Halle Berry gets one! Anne Hathaway can have one! Patricia Arquette, here’s one for you, too!

    Liked by 1 person

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