THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE LOVELY REUT AT:
I’m so excited!! This is my first Shitfest entry ever and I am so ready to do some cinematic slashin’ and bashin’. I was having some difficulty finding the right film to bash, but then I realized… how could I forget this one??? Neglect my suffering and anguish like that??? So, I am hereby proud to introduce you to my first Shitfest victim… Hope you’ll enjoy! (And if you violently disagree, please keep in mind I’m only human and I have feelings, and I am overall a nice person, o.k.?)
Ok, I know I’m totally swimming against the current here, but am I seriously the only one who got terribly bored by this film??? I mean, come on! Ok, I realize that it’s very cool it took like 12 years to make it, but what the fuck? I felt like I lost 12 years of my fucking life right now. Why would I give a flying fuck about this boy and his utterly annoying sister growing up? It happens to all of us, we all have to grow up so why would I give a shit about this boy specifically? He’s not so special, and pretty annoying himself and thank god for that cup of coffee I had during the film, otherwise I would’ve just keeled over in my chair out of boredom.
So Boyhood (or should I say Borehood!), to you who’ve never watched this film and practically saved yourselves, is about a six year old boy named Mason (does it really matter?) growing up when everyone else around him is growing old and wrinkles. The film is shot over a 100 year… sorry, a 12 year period and ends with no point or purpose what so ever. By all means, go watch it!
Instead of writing a review, I thought it might be best to provide director Richard Linklater with a letter containing a serious of 12 questions, each question for a year stolen from me, and get my point across so here it goes:
Dear Mr. Linklater,
How are you, Sir? I’m not doing so well as your film, Boyhood, managed to brutally yank all the energy out of me and I’m now left with nothing but angst and fury towards everyone on the planet. I hope you don’t mind my saying, but 165 minutes of this crap is way too much for a human being to handle, and this has gone far enough. In order to sort this matter out and help me get back on my happy feet, I would appreciate it if you take the time (way less than 12 years) to answer the following questions. Thank you in advance.
1. Mr. Linklater, why did you have to make us watch Patricia Arquette grow older and fatter? (don’t get me wrong, I’m asking this painfully cause I fuckin’ love her)
2. When did this idea for a film come up and what the fuck were you on?
3. Why did you have to make us watch Ethan Hawke wear a mustache?
4. Where did you find this irritating kid, Ellar Coltrane (and his even more irritating co-star, Lorelei Linklater)?
5. Why 12 years? WHY????
6. It took you 12 years to create this piece of shit, what’s next for you?
7. I thought Ethan Hawke was kidnapped because you fuckin’ took him hostage for 12 years and prevented him from making other shit, what are your thoughts on that?
8. What are you going to do with all the earnings, or should I say, what fuckin’ else?
9. Can I please get my $14 back?
10. Oh, and my $3 for the coffee too?
Wikipedia based questions:
11. “Boyhood began filming without a completed script”. Yes, it freakin’ shows!!! (Not a question, but more like a statement).
12. “Boyhood holds a “certified fresh” score of 98% on Rotten Tomatoes”. Has everyone gone completely mad???
Looking forward to hearing from you,
“Cause I’m just so damn interesting…”